We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model
and represent our product - TROJAN CONDOMS. Although your general apearance
is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feel that your wearing our pro-
duct does not portray a positive, romantic image of our product. A loose,
baggy and wrinkled condom is not considered romantic. We did admire your
efforts to firm it up by using polygrip, but even then it slipped off
before we could get a photograph taken. We would like to note, however,
that we have never seen a penis that looked like a bicycle grip until now.
We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will
retain your application for future consideration, if by some chance we
decide there is a market for micro-mini condoms. We send our greetings
deepest sympathy to your wife and/or girlfriend.
Very truly yours,
P.S. Remember our slogans: "Cover your stump before you hump."
"Don't be silly, protect your willy."
"Before you attack her, wrap your whacker."
"If you are not going to sack it, go home
and whack it."