Here Are Some Of My Favorite Jokes From The HBO Special Jackie Mason On Broadway.

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Here are some of my favorite jokes from the HBO special Jackie Mason
On Broadway. Keep in mind that Jackie is a former rabbi. His father
and two brothers are also rabbis.

"I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian.
If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!"

"I've got another friend who is half-Polish and half-Jewish.
He's a janitor, but he owns the building!"

"I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish.
He hates Jews but can't remember why!"

Did you hear about the accountant who became
am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!

It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles.
After the show, all the gentiles are saying "Have a drink?
Want a drink? Let's have a drink!" while all the Jews are
saying "Have you eaten yet? Let's have coffee and cake!"

When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all
the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc.
Jews, on the other hand, return and say "I had this slice of
cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don't know how they make
it! It was great!"

Subject: Oh, you're just going to shoot your wife???
This morning's Mercury carried an article about the visit of the Royal
Andrew and Fergie, to L.A.'s British Fest. A man was arrested nearby for
carrying a rifle. It was subsequently determined that the event was
of the royal visit, that the man was toting his gun around because of a
spat. So he was immediately released, and given back his gun.

Tweedledee: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Tweedledum: No...
Tweedledee: Good.

More stupid robber stories
Heard on the radio this morning about a guy who walked into a bank
and presented a teller with a note that read "I have a gun. Give me
all your money. Bang." The teller gave him the money and he walked
out of the bank. He was caught only a short while later. Why? He
had written the note on the back of his parole card.

The fellow robbed something like a supermarket of about $5000 (value
approximate and probably wrong, since it is from fuzzy memory). The
local newspaper ran the story, but with the amount given as $7000. The
thief called the newspaper to complain about the inaccuracy and to
suggest that maybe the store manager ripped off the extra $2000 and was
unjustly blaming the thief. The people at the newspaper kept him busy
on the phone giving his version of the story while the police traced
the call to a phone booth and arrived to arrest him while he was still
talking to the newspaper!

Here's another one about an unlucky purse snatcher. In the middle
of last year, I heard a story about a purse snatcher (in England, I
believe) who snatched a woman's purse. Much to his surprise and
dismay, he found an arm attached to it after he'd grabbed it. It
seems that the woman had a prosthetic arm, and he picked the right (or
wrong) arm. Apparently, the guy babbled for quite a while, and the
woman called the police, and they picked him up, still babbling.

This happened to somebody on jury duty 10-15 years ago.
The people who weren't on a case had been excused to go to lunch.
Well, when it was time to be back in the room waiting to be called on
there were two people missing. Well the bailiff in charge was getting
a little annoyed when he got a call from the police who are located
in the courthouse.
The police said are you missing two of your jurors, so-and-so and
so-and-so2? The bailiff said yes. Then the police said, well we have
them in jail up here. They were arrested for shoplifting.

I heard on the radio this morning about a man who had a small amount
of cocaine in his suitcase when he was coming through customs. For some
reason, he knew that the customs officials were going to search his bag.
So he grabbed someone elses bag off the carousel and went through customs.
When the officials opened up the suitcase, they found several pounds of
marijuana in it.

The original post up here about the theft of the apple laserwriter plus from
the computer center here at Carnegie Mellon was, shall we say, somewhat
inaccurate. I just happen to be the roomate of the guy who trapped the thief.
This is his story ( By the way, everything you are about
to read is TRUE. I was there when it all came down........

Random Info :
Baker Hall - One of the BIG academic buildings here. The cluster has 20
3/50's, 20 each Mac and IBM PC's. The laserwriter (called cedar - all andrew
printers are named after trees :-)) was stolen from the UCC across campus from
Baker. BTW, the UCC cluster doesn't even have macintosh's. You'll understand
why this is important later on.
Academic Computing - the people who run the clusters and hire the PCons

(voiceover the dragnet theme):
On Jan 16, at approximately 2:00 am, a $4,000 laserwriter printer was stolen
>from the main computing cluster of CMU. As the printer was not alarmed and
unwatched, the suspect simply walked in and carried it off. Witnesses
described the suspect as a black male, 6'2", very heavily built and "mean
looking". This is the story of how that printer was recovered. My name is Don
Snow. I'm a computer hacker. (Dragnet theme: dum, ta-dum, dum)

By Jan 16, 2:00, the word was out on all the bulletin boards. I was at my
usually scheduled post in the Baker Hall computer cluster. I worked until
6:00. My replacement was late, so I had to wait until they rotated somebody
over to relive me. At approximately 5:30, I received a strange phone call:

me: Baker hall, what can I do for you?

voice: are you in front of the printer right now?

me: no.

voice: can you get to the printer while still on the phone and still be
in front of a mac?

me: no, there is no mac next to this printer

voice:ok, thanks, (whispered to people on the other side) just be quiet
and call security, I'll handle this.


Obviously, something was up. (dum, ta-dum, dum)

At 5:50, received visit from campus security. Officer explained meaning of
phone call. Suspect had called the main computing center, claiming to be the
consultant in Baker Hall, asking how to hook up an apple laserwriter printer
to a macintosh. The call to me confirmed the fact that he was not the
consultant, because it was impossible to be on the phone and in front of a mac
and in front of the printer in Baker Hall as the suspect claimed. (dum, ta -
dum, dum daaaaa)

The word went out to all clusters who had laserwriters to be on the lookout
for a phone caller asking about laserwriters. At 6:20, I received another

me: baker hall, how can I help you?

voice: yeah, I'm the consultant over at the main computer center, and I
need to restart the laserwriter for the macintosh. I'm getting this strange
error message. Can you help me?

me: sure, let me get the manual.

I then put my hand over the receiver and whispered "security" to my friend
sitting next to me, who immediately got up and ran out of the cluster. I then
began to stall the person on the other line.

me: now, what is the error message?

voice: unauthorized password failure.

me: sounds bad. let me look it up.

(5 minute pause of holding the receiver)

me: no there's nothing here...oh, I see why. This is the dinky users
manual and not the reference manual. hold on.

(5 minute pause)

me: ok, I got the right one, here we go. I'm looking at the index now.

me: hold on, I have to help a user.

(5 minute pause)

me: ok, I think I know what the problem is. You probably have the print
options configured wrong.

voice: no, I have all the options under print right

me: do you have the reduced bit map set?

voice: that is not on the menu

me: its on a secondary menu

(I then begin to have him toggle all the print options. Security arrives and
begins phone trace)

(later, after toggling about 5 print options)

voice: what do you mean, try setting the font substitution? that should
have nothing to do with the password.

me: (I begin to spew out technical garbage) Actually, it might. the
problem might be that the fonts you are using are not standard, and thus, the
mac is giving the printer a non-standard password which the laserwriter
doesn't understand.

voice: but I'm using "times" font! that has to be standard!

me: (calmly) yes, but the version of "times" from the MacDraw document
may an old version and therefore be outdated and thus in a non-standard form
than that of the laserwriter, which is thus expecting the standard print
toggle from the mac. Toggling the font substitution would tell the mac to send
the codes to the printer triggering the printer to be ready to receive non
standard fonts, and thus allow a smooth transfer of your document from mac to
printer. try it.

voice: OH, i see now. let me do it. no, it still isn't working.

me: er, hold on, I have to help another user.

(5 minute pause)


Total elapsed time of stall: 40 minutes. Phone trace: successful.

On Jan 18, suspect was arrested in possession of printer, along with $20,000
more stolen computer hardware. Suspect made full confession. Case closed (dum,
ta - dum, dum daaaa, da da da dum!)

Inscription on gold plaque from Academic Computing:

"Presented to Donald Snow in recognition of his
invaluable assistance in the recovery of the LaserWriter
stolen from the UCC cluster on January 16, 1988. Don's
impersonation of a helpful user consultant held the thief on
the phone long enough for a successful phone trace."