I Remember When I Was So Depressed I Was Going To Jump Out A Highrise Window.
I remember when I was so depressed I was going to jump out a highrise
window. I tell you I get no respect; when they sent a priest up to talk to
me he said, "On your mark. Get set ..."
RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS A girl phoned me the other day and said .
... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over....
I was tired one night, so I went to a bar to have a few drinks.
I tell ya' I get no respect. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?...
100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate 1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat.
Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in....
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.
Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments....
cars and driving --- For a while I didn't have a car.
.. I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running....
Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside a famous movie actor.
Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He'd do pushups and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around on their fat asses not doing a thing....
This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two -- black eye
a coupla real shiners. He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th' other way and they stopped to talk....
I tell ya' I get no respect. I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No - I hate myself NOW ......
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest....