When I was taking a 300 level computer science class in college
there was a girl in the class that was a good friend of mine, she
was one of those people that was accademiclly briliant with zero
common scence. Durring the first week of class the prof always
gave every one in the class an account on the system and a common
password for everyone in the class. I logged into Karen's
account before she did and created a ".profile" which printed
out a message to the effect:
I'm having a very bad day today, the freshman are
driving me crazy with there stupid errors and the System
Administrator was very rough when he mounted the backup
tapes. So I suggest, if you want your homework programs
to compile correctly, that you log off now and try again
when I'm feeling better!
I'd forgotten all about my little prank until one day, right before
a homework was due and we were talking in the cafateria, she said
she had gotten an extention from the prof because "Every time I
logged into the computer it gave me a message to loggout imediatley!"
She never knew that someone played a joke (alright it really wasn't
that good) on her. I decided it would be better not to tell her.
A few years back, the CS100 class (Computer Science for semi-sentient beings)
was given their first Machine Problem (MP 0). For this one, students were
given the program listing so the only thing the student had to do for the
grade was to conquer the card punch and card reader. To be cute, the TA's
punched the program (~60 card), lined up the cards one below the other in
sort of a listing style, and zeroxed the "listing" which was handed out so
that the students could see what the cards should look like. The language
was FORTRAN so this helped show the proper columns.
One particular student managed to punch her deck of cards just fine but was
having some problems with the card reader. After a few dozen tries, she
asked the operator on duty if he could help her with the reader. The op
went over and tried the deck once. Only the first card read. Opon closer
observation, the first card was the /EOJ (End Of Job) card. She had reversed
the order of the cards so that they would match the order of the handout if
fanned out. The op explained that the cards were arranged that way just so
they could make the handout and that her problem was just that she was trying
to read the deck in backwards. The topper: She went back and punched a new
deck in the proper order!
Then there was the one about the user or (ab)user as we used to call them who
stood waiting by the printer for his printout for about 15 min. He then
proceeded to ask the operator if the op could check to see what was taking his
printout so long. The op checked the queue a number of times during the next
10 or 15 mins and finally told the user, "I don't see it on the queue. Why
don't you just send it again." To which the user replied, "Send?"
Reminds me of the Department Chairman(!) at Seton Hall who last week wouldn't
let me copy a book on the Copier because you can't close the lid on a book,
and so it 'lets the light in' and breaks the copier.
The pages of the book were the same size as the papers I was copying onto,
so it wasn't a problem of extra toner being wasted. I also offered to
close my eyes while making the copies (in case he was worried about my safety),
but he told me that this wouldn't help, since the light would still get into the
copier and "Break It".
I can just imagine the copier repairman's chuckle when he blamed the broken
copier on light 'getting in'. "you let light into the copier, so its your
fault it broke".
I was tempted to tell this professor that he should also watch out for
burned out light bulbs, since if you leave a light socket without a working
bulb (or worse, no bulb at all), the electricity escapes into the air and
can make you very sick.
And of course the 'smoke theory of electronics' (smoke makes electronic
circuits work, since circuits stop working once the smoke escapes) came
to mind as well...
One customer at a computer store (or perhaps a computer faire) asked a salesman
a number of questions about a given model of computer. Does it do this? Yes,
it does this. Can it do that? Yes, it can do that. Does it have these?
Yes, it has these. Finally he began to become somewhat suspicious of the
amazing capabilities of this machine, and asked in as serious a tone as he
Does it have flim-flam flip-flops?
Yes, yes, it has flim-flam flip-flops!
One day I happened to be in our local "mom and pop" computer store,
scanning the new magazines, when a fellow came in to buy some floppies
for his home computer. The proprietor happened to be behind the counter
and asked the man which computer he had. He then took a box from the shelf
behind him, and opened it. "How many disks do you need?" he asked.
"Oh, two I think" came the answer. The proprietor then rang up the sale,
and gave the man his change. With that, the man said "Thanks very much",
picked the disks up off the counter, carefully folded them into quarters,
and stuffed them into his shirt pocket as he strolled out the door.
The experience left me speechless, but I noticed that the owner didn't
even flinch. (No doubt because he knew the fellow would be back for some
Jesse Jackson: "We have guided missles but we have misguided leaders,
and that's why I want to be your president." (I almost fell onto the
floor. Does he write his own stuff?)
Judge Thomas was asked, "Do you even know the meaning of Harrassment, let's
hear you use the word in a sentence."
"Ok", he replied. "Anita Hill has a sharp mind, but harrassment nothing to me."
<Note: answering Machine Messages>
"I know what you're thinking. Did the phone ring four times, or only three.
Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I kind of lost track
myself. But seeing as how this is a touch-tone phone, the most powerful
phone in the world, and is liable to blow your ear clean off, you've got a
question to ask yourself: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well... do ya, punk?"
"Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
We're out on the town, or punching the clock.
Leave your name and number and we'll call you back soon.
Have a great afternoon!"
She attempted the following (although the answering machine balked at the
length of this one!) to the tune of "Tale to tell" (or whatever it's called)
"I have a telephone.
Some times it gets so hard when I'm not home.
I was not ready for your call.
To deaf to hear the ringing in the hall..."
(I forget the rest -- Thank God!)
A man walks into a bank and tells the teller, "I want to open a
fucking bank account." The woman replies, "Sir, there's no reason to
talk like that." Again he says, "Listen, all I want to do is open a
fucking bank account here." And again, her response is "Sir, you really
need to stop talking that way." All this commotion alerts the bank
manager who comes over and says to the man, "Can I help you?" To
which the man says, "Yeah, I just won ten million dollars in the lottery
and want to open a fucking bank account here." Upon hearing this, the
manager motions toward the teller and says, "Is this bitch giving you
a hard time?"
My favorite restroom joke is
Walk into a busy restroom and say "This must be where all the pricks hang
Seen above a urinal in a Mtv. tavern:
Return rental beer here.
What do you call the useless fleshy parts around a vagina ?
What's the difference between a blond girl and a blond guy ?
She has a higher sperm count.
Three surgeons were talking. The first one said he preferred to do his
work on thin people and the others wondered why.
"Because, there's no fat in the way - you can see what you're doing."
The second one said that was strange, because he preferred to do his work
on fat people. Why?
"Because, although there's fat, it protects the cut, and makes it easier
The third one said he didn't care about fat or thin, he only worked on . Why?
"Because they are so simple to work on. There's only two parts - a mouth and
and asshole, and they're interchangeable."
The first time I had sex, I was terrified. I was alone..