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"Members of Congress...People of America....I banged her. I banged her like
a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky
was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying
The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno,
Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and
they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy, which
isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water
coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope,
Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files,
smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the
White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the
Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered
the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as
horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a
good move on your part.
Your other choice was Bush, an aging Baseball player and part-time resident
of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into
the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the
same Alzheimer's he came in with.
There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest
rate,smiling the whole time like his lithium drip just kicked in.
Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of
'plausable deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for
his crackerjack style of governing.
Johnson was an inbred, power mad war criminal whose major contribution to
American society was Agent Orange. And John
Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough
for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver wrestling" shared
by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.
Which brings me back to my point.
Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is
doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did
a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about,
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night
watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of
dumb dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell
'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his
boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker
What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless,
of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it.
In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life
you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the
Presidential Limousine.
Thank you, good night, and God Bless America.