Syadov walks into the Moscow health clinic and asks to see an
ear-and-eye doctor. The nurse explains to him that there isn't a specialist
in those two areas at the clinic, but tells him that they have an eye-doctor
AND an ear, nose, and throat man. She further goes on to suggest, after
seeing his rather vacant stare, that he see the ENT specialist, and, if that
doesn't work, why then he can go to the opthalmologist. So a month later
(Remember, the clinic is run by the Soviet bureacracy) he is shown to the
doc's office. The following dialogue ensues.
Doctor: So, tell me, Comrade Syadov. What seems to be the trouble?
Syadov: DOC! DOC! Ya GOTTA help me! I'm going crazy!
Doctor: Just calm down, and tell me your symptoms.
Syadov: Well, I..OK. I...I'll try. It's like my ears and my eyeballs aren't
connected to the same man. I can't see what I hear, and I can't hear
what I see!
At this, the doctor sighs, shakes his head, closes his notebook, and
prepares for his next patient. When Syadov asks what he's doing, he explains:
"Really, I'm very sorry, Comrade. But there's no known cure for Communism."
A man in Russia gets a ticket allowing him to buy a car. He sits down
with the car dealer and picks out the basic car and then a few options.
The car dealer says the car will be ready in ten years. The man wants to
know if it will be ready in the morning or the afternoon. The car dealer
is a bit surprised, "Why do you care? It's ten years away." "Well the plumber
is coming in the morning."
Stalin, Churchill and Roosevelt were riding in a limo, when they happened
to look back and notice a huge ugly monster was chasing them. Hoping to
persuade it to go away, Churchill rolled down his window and tossed out
all the money he had, about 10,000 pounds. The monster picked it up,
sniffed it, then tossed it aside and continued to pursue the limo. So
Roosevelt opened his window, and tossed out $100,000, with a gold money
clip he'd gotten from Rockefeller, and his $1500 gold watch. The monster
picked up the bundle, sniffed it, sneered and continued to pursue the limo.
So comrade Stalin pulled out a pen and paper, scribbled a short note, and
tossed it out the window. The monster read the note and came to a screaming
halt (a la buggs bunny, smoke from the heels), turned around, and ran the
other way. Well of course, the other world leaders wanted to know what
Comrade Stalin had written in the note. "Simple", he said. "I wrote,
'This is the road to Communism'."
It was really tough work being an Apostle of Jesus. Can you imagine
the hours? What if you wanted a day off? So you call up Jesus and say,
"Jesus, I'm sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I
won't be able to make it to today's Sermon.......what........say that
again, you say I'm cured?"
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a
long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back
to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that
dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you
want to have him arrested for ?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay
his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence
for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the
"you have known the defendant for how long ?"
"Tell the court whether or not you think he is the type of man who
would steal this money."
"How much was it ?"
A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion
year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center
in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.
After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by
the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.
"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this
procedure can be really expensive."
"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's
brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's
brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five
thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."
"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain??
Why on earth is that?"
"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we
would have to kill?"
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...