Childhood --- I Was Born By Caesarian Section... But Not So You'd Notice.

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--- childhood ---

I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a
closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy
subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and
then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you
have any toy train schedules?"

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand
box. I was an only child... eventually.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was
a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running
down the street on a purple wooden horse.

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I
stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I
learned that the shortest distance between two points was a
direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't
find tractors small enough to fit it.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his
birthmark until he was eight years old.

My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked,
I'm in the band."

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for
twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but
he didn't obey.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the
beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and
say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so
later I can ask him what he meant.