Cars And Driving --- For A While I Didn't Have A Car.

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--- cars and driving ---

For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no
place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it
running... (slow glance upward)

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it
looks like I'm the only one moving.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my
car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one
out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the
driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to
listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some
people must be really tired.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so
fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an
accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the
engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this
thing? This steers it."

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,
"Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes,
officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said,
"Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't
believe everything I read."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer
and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you
can go."

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your
honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask
me if I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came
back the entire area was missing.