A 5-year-old Girl Gets A Kitten For Her Birthday. Soon Thereafter, The Mom, While Getting Into The Car Slams The Door On The Kitten, Killing It In Front Of Her Daughter.

HomeShort JokesJokes from Emails

A 5-year-old girl gets a kitten for her birthday. Soon thereafter, the Mom,
while getting into the car slams the door on the kitten, killing it in
front of her daughter. Mom explains that "this is life", accidents happen, we
learn from our mistakes, and so on. The little girl is still grieving when 2
days later the mother returns with a new kitten. A few days later, the
mother is closing the car door, and the kitten jumps in and, you guessed it,
gets smashed right in front of the little girl. The mother's mind is racing
now trying to determine how to explain this one to her daughter when the
little girl says "That's okay, mommy. But this time, let's get an armadillo."

A man is driving when he sees a dead cat in the road. Recognizing it as his
neighbor's, he retrives the cat and places it into the only available
receptacle he has, an empty bag from Hudson's (a local department store).
Placing the cat, in the bag, in his trunk, he proceeds on to his appointment.
The next day he is driving and he sees a Hudson's store and this reminds him
that the cat is decomposing in his trunk. So he stops the car and gets the
bag out of his trunk when he feels a pain in his side. Its a man who says
"Okay buddy. I have a gun and I don't want to hurt you. Hand over that bag."

My uncle raised boxers (the dogs) and one, named Sarge, would get out and
whore around the neighborhood, coming back stinking and worrying his owner.
When this happened, my uncle would grab him, take him to the basement, and
put him in their standup shower and run cold water over him for 10 minutes
as punishment. Well this routine happened about 4 or 5 times, until one day
Sarge showed up at the door after a round of visiting the neighborhood
female dogs. My uncle was just getting ready to grab him when
Sarge ran directly down to the shower stall and sat down.

32 Reasons why Cookie Dough is better than men.
1. It's enjoyable hard or soft.
2. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
3. It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.
4. You always want to swallow.
5. It won't complain if you share it with friends.
6. It's "quick and convenient".
7. You can enjoy it more than once.
8. It comes already protectively wrapped.
9. You can make it as large as you want.
10. If you don't finish it you can save it for later.
11. It's easier to get the kind you want.
12. You can comparison shop.
13. It's easier to find in a grocery store.
14. You can put it away when you've had enough.
15. You know yours has never been eaten before.
16. It won't complain if you chew on it.
17. It comes chocolate flavored.
18. You always know when to get rid of it.
19. You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed.
20. It's always ready to go.
21. You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.
22. You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
23. It won't wake you up because it's hard.
24. You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.
25. You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like
you're bragging.
26. It won't take up room in your bed.
27. It's easy to pick up.
28. You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.
29. You know what the extra weight is from.
30. It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.
31. It never has an insecurity problem with its size.
32. It is very pliable.

Q. You're in a room with George Bush, Micheal Gorbachev and Boris Yeltzin, and
you have a gun with two bullets in it. What do you do?
A. You shoot Dan Quayle twice!

There once was this slimy showbiz agent named Dave who
really really wanted to sleep with his premier client, a beatiful
sexy fashion model. Time after time, he would proposition her,
and at every opportunity she would turn him down.
Finally, hs birthday rolled around, and the gorgeous fashion
model agreed to sleep with pathetic Dave. They rented a
hotel room, turned out the lights until only the whites
of their eyes showed, and did the deed. The two then rolled
over and went to sleep.
A few minutes later, the model felt a tap on her shoulder.
"Ooo, Dave," she said, "I didn't know you had such stamina!"
And they went at it again.
Minutes later, she felt that tap on her shoulder again, and
again they went at it. The events were replayed about
fifteen times until finally the fashion model said,
"Dave! I've never known a man to have such sexual endurance!"
"I'm not Dave!" said a strange man next to her. "Dave's outside
selling tickets!"

Conceit: a mosquito floating down the river on his back, yelling "Raise
the drawbridge!"

Did you hear the one about the jump rope and the lollipop?
Skip it. It sucks.

What is black and white and red all over?
Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.

What do Anita Hill and Herve Villachez (sp?) have in common?
Both live in a fantasy world...

ok,ok, there's this reporter, see, and he goes to an Indian
reservation to interview the Chief. Turns out, the animals on the
land can talk, so the reporter convinces the Chief to let him
interview some of them.
Reporter: Chief, can I talk to the horse?
Chief: Okay.
Reporter: So, tell me, horse, how is it living here?
Horse: Good... lots of room to run, plenty of grass to eat, and me
and the dog get along well.
Reporter: Chief, can I talk to the dog?
Chief: Okay.
Reporter: So, tell me, dog, how is it living here?
Dog: Good... lots of room to run, plenty of cats to chase and me
and the sheep get along well.
Reporter: Chief, can I talk to the sheep?
Chief (looking flustered): Sheep tell lies, sheep big lier.

Date: 19 Oct 91 07:20:06 GMT

$ ps -ef
gbush 13995 13853 0 10:07:37 tty09 0:00 grep sexual *thomas*
gbush 13853 1 0 08:50:57 tty09 0:01 -sh
gbush 13864 1 0 08:51:01 ? 0:03 /defense/bin/d.e.w.server
baker 12901 12814 0 08:23:22 tty07 0:34 vi /usr/acct/baker/israel/peaceplan
baker 12814 1 0 08:13:25 tty07 0:01 -sh
powell 09013 09011 0 04:21:10 tty01 5:03 /defense/bin/authnukes iraq
powell 09011 1 0 04:18:01 tty01 0:01 -csh
quail 14003 14001 0 09:15:53 tty11 1:15 /usr/bin/games/pacman
quail 14001 1 0 09:13:24 tty11 0:01 -sh

Confucius say: There is no such thing as rape; Woman run faster with skirt
up, than Man with pants down.

Confucious Say:
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

What is the difference between a nigger and a black person?
Earshot distance.

An American lady came to France to have some strong sexual feelings. She
was told about this guy in St Denis who is really good. So she went there.
Lady: What can you do to satisfy me. And pay attention I am a
professional, you can not fool me.
Guy: My speciality is leaking navels.
Lady: What? I came from the States specially to see you driving me mad
and all you can do is leak my navel. Even my husband can do that.
Guy: Yes lady. But I do it from inside.

Q. What did Jimmy Swagart pay for his prostitute and her four blonde friends?
A. Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.

There was a young fellow named Bart
Who strained every shit through a fart.
Each tip-tapered turd
Was the very last word
In this deft a most intricate art.

follow this line__________
you are now pissing
down your right leg

not now Scottie...