10. Hot Buttered Elves
9. Santa's Magic Lap
8. Babes in Boyland
7. Crisco Kringle
6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
4. Not-So-Tiny Tim
3. Santa Goes 'Round-the-World
2. The Nutcracker Swede
1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
A warm June evening. Belinda and I are curled up on my sofa, getting quite
intimate. I stroke her belly. "Belinda, you know, it feels like love,"
Her hand on my crotch, she squeezes my erection. "sure feels like something all right."
"MMmm" I agree. We're both getting pretty aroused. I can feel her
wetness as I move my hand from her belly down to her vulva, caressing its
velvety softness, juicy and wet.
She moans. "Do you have a rubber?" she asks.
"Umm, yes," I say. "Since we have just barely met and don't know each
other's sexual history, a condom would be a good idea."
"Let's make some history," she says, as I free my erection and unroll a
condom over it.
"Absolutely," We kiss passionately as I lean over her, caressing her
breasts. "Wait a minute," I say. "Don't forget that as we kiss, we're sharing
"Ummm, I guess that's right," she says. "But does it matter, since neither
of us have open sores or wounds in our mouths?"
"New evidence reveals that direct contact to blood may not be necessary
for transmission. Just to be on the safe side, we should both be wearing
"Oh, all right."
From the drawer in the table by the sofa, I take a couple of dental
dams. I put one on myself, help her fit the other one over her lips and
We exchange rubbery kisses, getting back in the mood. My hand meanders
down across her ass, caressing her cheeks, then back to her vagina.
"MMM," she moans. And then (putting her dental dam aside for a momment),
"But don't forget, my vagina is also a copious source of bodlily fluids."
"Oo an ay at again," I agree, continuing.
"I'm serious," she says. "Don't you think you should be wearing gloves?"
"Oo're obably ight," I agree, taking two pairs of rubber gloves from
the drawer in the table. We slip them on with sensuous snaps. The rubber
makes for an interesting sensation, stroking her nipples. They agree,
standing at perky attention.
Finally, I lay her gently down on the sofa. Astride her, I slip my
fiercely throbbing member into her waiting eager vagina. We rock and roll,
pause and slow, harpoon, fish and hammer. Our simultaneous climax rolls
over us both like a breaking wave, her vagina squeezing my penis in an
affectionate handshake of love. Gratefully, both covered with sweat, we
collapse together. We take off various rubber items and throw them aside.
I realize something. "Hey! Do you realize perspiration is a bodily
fluid also?!?" I tell her.
"I could be hopelessly contaminated right now! God knows how many AIDS
viruses are boiling out of your pores! And into mine!"
"Don't be silly."
Irritated at her irresponsible attitude towards disease prevention, I
roll away, stand up, and get my flamethrower out of the table. I
activate it quickly, before she has a chance to escape, taking her
contamination elsewhere. She and the sofa disappear in a swath of flame.
I didn't like to do it, but the measures necessary to stop the spread of
AIDS are everybody's responsibility.
I sit down on a chair, watching the last few flames flicker out on the
sofa. Something else occurs to me. I am full of bodily fluids. Belinda
may have contaminated me, even though she seemed like a nice enough girl.
What to do now? Do most people even know that the human body is almost all
fluids? Those are bodily fluids. Sweat. Blood. Mucus. Phlegm. Even tears.
All bodily fluids. I sit, contemplating the final measures I must take.
This Aggie, East Indian and a Jew were riding through the country when
their car broke down. They walked up to a farm house and asked if they
could spend the night? The farmer said, "Well yea, but one of you will have
to sleep out in the barn. I've only got room for two of you in the
So the Indian agreed to sleep in the barn. A couple of minutes later
there was a knock at the door. The Indian says, "I can't sleep out there.
There is a cow out there and that is sacred." So the Jewish guy volunteered
to sleep in the barn. A few minutes after everyone has gone to bed,
there is another knock at the door. The Jewish guy says, "I can't sleep out
there! There is a pig out there and that just isn't kosher." So the Aggie
says, "All right, all right. I'll sleep in the barn." So everyone goes to
bed one more time. A few minutes later, again, there is a knock at the
door. When they opened the door, there stood the pig and the cow........
A MODERN FABLE
Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve
allegory far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need
an updated message with contemporary circumstance and plot line,
and short enough to suit today's minute attention span.
_The Troubled Aardvark_
Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life
was driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage
house in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his
conniving and unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling,
spoiled children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of
his life and his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of
his nation, its pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete
ineffectiveness of any personal effort he could make to change the
status quo. Overcome by a wave of utter depression and self-
doubt, he decided to take the only course of action that would bring
him greater comfort and happiness: he drove to the mall and bought
imported consumer electronics goods.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics
An engineer is a person who passes as an exciting technical expert on
the basis of being able to turn out with prolific fortitude, infinite
strings of incomprehensive estimates calculated with microscopic
precision from vague assumptions and debatable figures taken from
inconclusive data obtained with recording devices of problematical
accuracy by uninformed persons of doubtful reliability and
What's two foot high, screams and can't manoeuver in corridors.
A baby with a javelin through its head!
How long does a baby scream.
Depends what speed you set the blender to.
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...