An astronomer on an extended lecture tour became weary of delivering the
same lecture night after night. He confided this state of mind to his
chauffeur as they were driving to their next destination. The chauffeur
expressed a similar boredom in his line of work.
"I've got it!" said the astronomer. "You are bored with driving and I am
weary of lecturing. Let's exchange places for one night. It will be a
refreshing change for both of us. My lecture is all written out word for word
and nobody in the next town knows me by sight anyway." The driver agreed and
the exchange of roles and dress was made. That night the lecture hall filled
to capacity. At the appointed time those in attendance heard a flawlessly
delivered lecture. At its conclusion the lecturer basked in the euphoric
applause. Then came the question and answer period.
"Who discovered Uranus?" came from a boy in the front.
"Uh...William Herschel." He remembered that from somewhere.
"And who discovered Pluto?" continued the boy.
"Aaaa...that would be Clyde Tombaugh." He had read a little.
Then from the back: "Would you please comment on the relative merits
of the pulsation instability model and the accretion disk instability model for
the explanation of outbursts of cataclysmic variable stars?"
The speaker paused for a moment, then said, "I am surprised that you
would bother to ask me such a simple question. To show you how really simple
it is I shall have my chauffeur answer it for you."
What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbian bar?
Did you hear about the dead girl who was found in a vat of milk with a
banana inserted in her anus?
Apparently, it was the work of a cereal killer.
Did you hear about the guy who was into Sadism, Necrophilia and
He gave it up because it was flogging a dead horse.
What do you call a rock group with Mozart, Bach, Beethoven, Handel,
-"Don't you ever call me stupid again. Now tell me you're sorry."
-"I'm sorry that you're stupid."
On the first evening of their honeymoon they are sitting on the balcony
of the hotel while the sun is setting.
-"Honey", she says,"now that we're married, will you tell me
what a penis is ?"
He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask.
So, being her husband, he led her into their room and took his pants off.
-"*This*, my love, is a penis." he told her.
-"Oh", she exclaimed, "it's like a d*ck, but much smaller."
-"I know a Girl that doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't swear,
goes to bed early, and isn't thinking about sex all the time."
-"Hey, that's great."
-"Yes, I know, and, you know, tomorrow she'll be five years old."
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...