Straight Out Of The Eighties... This Will Only Make Sense To Those Of Us Who Had The Dubious Distinction Of Being Children Of The Eighties, Or Listened To Music On A Regular Basis.

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Straight Out Of The Eighties...
This will only make sense to those of us who had the dubious distinction of
being children of the eighties, or listened to music on a regular basis. If
you were "there", then you will understand....
I was working part time in a five and dime. My boss was Mr. Magee. He was
six foot four and full of muscles and walked like an Egyptian, but I was
happy to be stuck with him. One manic Monday, while I was busy working for
the weekend, I overheard him make a careless whisper. He told two of my
co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave love a bad name.
Well, I got so emotional, baby. I told him to say say say what he wants, but
don't play games with my affection. He told me it was hard for him to say
he's sorry and not to worry, to be happy. Then he blamed it on the rain. He
was so out of touch. It just took my breath away. I couldn't fight this
feeling any longer. I asked him "What's love got to do with it?" He told me
to get outta his store and his dreams and into my car.
So I figured I might as well jump. I cut footloose, went home and called my
girl, Jenny. (You already know the number) She was on the other line with
Amanda. They were talking about Mickey and how he was so fine. That blew my
mind! Was she really going out with him? I told her that I had just called
to say I love her. She told me she had been saving all her love for me, but
now she was looking for a new love - asta la vista, baby. I thought "I can't
go for that - no can do! Bring me a higher love!" I called up some of my old
west end girls, hoping that one of them would want to get physical all night
long (all night). First I called Billie Jean - she told me to beat it. I
called Rosanna - her sister Christian blessed the rains down in Africa and
then hung up on me. Come on, Eileen! ... no answer.
Nobody told me there'd be days like these! I was feeling like the owner of a
lonely heart. Then, out of the blue, my best friend's girlfriend (she used
to be mine) Roxanne calls. Yes, the real Roxanne. She told me she still
hadn't found what she's looking for and that she wanted to take on me. I
said "I thought you were Jessie's girl." She said "Don't you want me? You
don't have to put on the red light - I'm on my own." What a feeling! I had
the eye of the tiger. Who was I f-f-f-foolin? Roxanne drove me crazy like no
one else. She's a beauty! She blinded me with science, and weird science at
that. There was always something there to remind me of her and I just knew
that I'd have the time of my life. I wasn't about to la-di-da-di. I jumped
in my little red Corvette and rocked down to Electric Avenue. I got my mind
set on her. When I got to her house (in the middle of her street) I ran. I
rapped on her front door and to this rapper's delight, i heard a voice say
"Who can it be now?" "Here I am, the one that you love", I replied. I let my
love open the door and was immediately lost in her eyes. I felt like a
virgin touched for the very first time. She loosened her blouse and said
"Rock me Amadeus!" Well, I felt it was my prerogative to bust a move. I told
her "I'll tumble for ya!" as I pinned her on the stairs, hungry like the
Just then I felt an invisible touch on my shoulder. "Turn around bright
eyes!" said a familiar voice. As I did, Jessie hit me with a sledgehammer of
an uppercut that spun me righ round like a record. He was hangin' tough and
continued to roll with it, knocking the wind from beneath my wings - broken
wings by this time. He rocked me tonight, for old time's sake, beating me
from head to toe, until my true colors were black and blue and blood was
spilling from my mouth like red, red wine. "You don't owe me money for
nothing!" he snarled. At this point I was livin' on a prayer. I crawled back
to my little red Corvette and drove home thinking about how my tainted love
had cut like a knife - how it seems that every rose, truly, has its thorn.
No longer do I want to know what love is... Love stinks.