RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody
home. I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night
she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I
said to the guy .... Hey buddy ....why are you doing that? He
said....Because you came home early.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button
fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go
to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my
father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...But he pulled
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my
father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my
parents. I said to him .... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I
don't know kid ....there are so many places they can hide.
My wife made me join a bridge club. Next Tuesday is when I jump.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the
mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said...I don't
know but your eyesight is perfect.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ...turned me over and
said. Look ... twins!
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My
doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.