The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been
broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government
plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first
five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father- a
government employee who attempts to solve
the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to
arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man
should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings
Ms Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."
Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially
Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the
right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out."
Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but
if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim
Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his
time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed
Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at
this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown
Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned
out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to
Ms Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park
to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible
conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a
Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited
she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't
concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men restrain her. By that
time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just
packed it all in."
Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a
pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this
baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."
Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we
can get to work."
Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much
too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting.
Ms. Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...