NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected
unless accompanied by a complete financial statement,
school history, job history, ancestral lineage, DMV
printout, and a current medical report from your doctor.
DATE OF BIRTH______________
HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________
SOCIAL SECURITY #___________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND
Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?
If NO, please explain
Number of years they have been married
If less than your age, explain
Do you own a van? _____________A truck with oversized
A waterbed?_____________A pickup with a mattress in the
A condom?_______________Pornography?_______________Do you
earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring? ______________
(IF YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to
In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER,
mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to
Church you attend
How often you attend
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________ priest? _______________
mother? _____________ parole officer? _______
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all
answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
C: A woman's place is in the:_______________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me
E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her
NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue.
Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a
serpentine fashion is advised.
What do you want to do IF you grow up?
What is the current going rate of a hotel room?
Condoms come in packages of (circle one)
E: ALL OF THE ABOVE
How do you know?________________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND
CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH,
DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION,
ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND
HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
Signature (that means sign your name, moron)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six
years for processing. You will be contacted in writing
if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write
(since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury).
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by
two gentleman wearing black shirts and white ties carrying
violin cases (you might want to watch your back).
Have a nice day.