How About That Footage On The News Yesterday Of Our New Commander-in- Chief On The Deck Of The Aircraft Carrier (Teddy Roosevelt?

HomeShort JokesBill Clinton

How about that footage on the news yesterday of our new Commander-in-
Chief on the deck of the aircraft carrier (Teddy Roosevelt?)..
After throwing one of his snappy salutes (he's *almost* got that down),
I half expected him to give the order, "Let's turn this thang around.
We're taking 'er to the dump."
Or "Are there any communists on board? How'd you like to be in charge
of a floor of the Pentagon?"
Or "Those who voted for me, step forward. The rest of you are out of
Or "I want you to re-target those missles from Moscow to EIB headquarters."
Or "Admiral, tell me about your plans for Gay Heritage Month..."

Zipity do dah,
Zipity ay,
Billy boy's the prez,
Now we're all gonna pay.
They'll take all your money,
And give it away.
They'll leave you with nothin
for a rainy day.
[ Chorus ]
He's got a big chip on his shoulder
dont ask me why, cause I don't know.
He seems to really hate the mid class
he wants to knock you right down on you'r fat ass.
Zipity do dah
Zipity ay
Congress is behind him
now we're all gonna pay.
Energy taxes are rising each day
my house is gettin colder cause the gas went away
I can't fill my car so I can'v get away
Dr. Kervorkian take my troubles away.

The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption
are Las Vegas and Washington, DC.
The difference between the two is that in Washington the
drunks are gambling with *our* money!

WGST radio in Atlanta reported yesterday that the Clinton's cat Socks arrived
at the White House after being driven from Arkansas by a friend.

Acording to the reporter, "Socks ran around the room becoming familar with the
new surroundings. There was that one embarassing moment though when Socks, as
cats will do, began scratching a post. Unfortunately, it was Vice President
Al Gore."

"A Gore friend told him to urge Clinton to pick Sigourney Weaver
for Attorney General: 'She knows how to handle aliens.'"

Arkansas 12th Grade Reading Test
Slick Willy, Administrator
Test #1 Test #2
MR Farmers MR Snakes
CMMT Pockets CMBDI's
MR Farmers MR Snakes

Test #3 Test #4
MR Ducks MR Mice
CM Wangs CMEDBD Feet
MR Ducks MR Mice

Test #5
CM Puppies
MR KNOT Puppies
MR Puppies

After taking un-official office, Hillary wants to have her middle
name used when news reports refer to her, Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Since she is quite assertive and is giving Mr. Bill and
others advice on many matters, maybe she should be called
Hillary "Ram-rod 'em" Clinton.

Q: How does Bill Clinton say "Fuck you"?
A: "Trust me."

It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party
emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a
bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while
being screwed.

If Bill Clinton wins the election this November, they're going to have an
air-conditioned sauna installed in the White House -- so he can have it both

Bill Clinton is *so* fat, when he wears his yellow raincoat, people shout,

Bob Kerrey, when asked about Bill Clinton evading the draft: "Do I care if he
evaded the draft? Well, a part of me does." [Bob Kerry lost an leg in

Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
A: One has two boobs, the others *are* two boobs.

Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the eyes.

Richard Belzer told this joke on TV today, apparently after watching Bill
Clinton's performance in last night's debate (loosely paraphrased):
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?
A: He's the stiff one.

I heard that some of the women in Arkansas are so fast that they have to put
a governor on them!

"One thing's for sure about Clinton...
-- He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!"

Q: What does Gennifer Flowers do when she misses Bill Clinton?
A: Eats Waffles

My brother explained why Bill Clinton is having so many woes:
Bill Clinton has been in the Flowers and weeds!!

So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex life. Seems today
he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer Flowers a couple of times...
...but he didn't come.

They said in the debates that Governor Clinton's home state of Arkansas has
the lowest teen pregnancy rate in the nation... I'd like to thank the
governor for wearing a condom."

It's interesting that Bill Clinton chose a a running mate who DID inhale.
Perhaps had the country paid more attention to Gennifer Flowers, Clinton
would have picked Gary Hart instead.

From a Mike Royko column:
Gov. Clinton, after that blond bimbo got up on TV and said you had been her
lover boy for years, you and your wife went on TV and your wife was
affectionate, supportive and calm. Would you care to share with millions of
American men how the heck you managed to talk your way out of that pickle?

Bill Clinton is *so* fat, when he makes love to two women at the same time,
they never see each other.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.

Aides for presidential candidate Bill Clinton hotly denied new allegations of

misconduct. Officials of the company marketing the popular "Where's Waldo"
puzzles noted a striking resemblance while examining the bare-breasted woman
depicted frolicking in the water with an as-yet-unidentified man.
Clinton denies that he has ever met the woman, and says he was with Waldo the
whole time.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and
one to obscure the issues.
A: None -- He'll only promise "change."

George Bush:
"Change, change, change... That's all we'll have in our pockets if Bill
Clinton is elected president."

Heard on MTV News:
"Bill's brother who who owns a band, Politics, will be playing at the
inauguration if Bill Clinton gets elected. Bill's brother will bring down the
house just like Bill Clinton will bring down the country."

Did you hear Hillary Clinton ate beans on Friday night so
she could take a bubble bath on Saturday?

1040 Bufoo Street
Little Rock, AR 72205

Dear Friend,

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising five
million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame in
Washington D.C.

This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was not
wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a
lie, nor beside Senator Joe McCarthy, who never told the truth, since Bill
Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside the statue of Christopher Columbus, the
greatest Democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not
know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on
borrowed money.

Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your
shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised
Land!" Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit
on your asses, and light up a Camel, this IS the Promised Land!" Now, Bill
Clinton is going to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the price of
Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land.

If you are one of the fortunate few who has anything left after taxes, we
expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.

The Bill Clinton Statue Committee

Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and Bill Clinton's campaign limo?
A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing
something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow
manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, "Little boy, what ARE
you doing?"
The boy replied, "I am making George Bush, Mister."
Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making George Bush?
Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?"
The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Bill Clinton."
"But why not?" asked the man.
The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough bullshit here to make Bill

I heard that Harris [headed for the electric chair] was going to imitate Bill
He wouldn't inhale...

A friend told me he saw this on F-Troop last night:
The Captain, the Chief, and an Inspector General were discussing the Chief's
breaking of a Treaty. The following was the dialog:
Inspector General: But Chief, how could you break the treaty?
You smoked the peace pipe with us!
Chief: Ah, yes. But, I didn't inhale!
HELLO! Sound familiar everybody? Not only can't Clinton tell the truth,
but he plagiarizes his lies!

There was a line in George's speach where he said I raised taxes 1 time and I
lived to regret it. Bill Clinton did it 132 times and loved every minute.
(I thought he was going to add: And it's the same way on adultry.)

Governor Bill Clinton had billed himself as a common man's president. In
order to garner the votes of two states, he decided to go baby-kissing and
flesh-pressing along the border of Louisiana and Arkansas. There, he
encountered a strange fellow working at a gas station, a common man if there
ever was one.
"Sir, I'm Governor Bill Clinton, and I'm running for president," said Gov.
Clinton, extending his hand out for a handshake.
"That's mighty fine! I'm a great admirer of yours, Governor. You've done
great things for the state of Arkansas," replied the man enthusiastically.
The odd man, noticing the Governor's outstretched hand, shook his head sadly
and said, "I'm sorry Governor. As much as I'd like to shake your hand, I
can't do it right here. However, I will shake your hand if you cross the
highway with me."
Willing to do anything for a vote, Clinton agreed and crossed the highway
with the man. Upon reaching the other side, the odd man vigorously shook the
Governor's hand. Curious, Clinton asked of the man, "Why is it that I may
shake your hand only after crossing the highway with you?"
The man replied, "Oh, that's simple, Governor. You see, that there was
Louisiana, and this here is Arkansas. Everyone knows that boob touching is
legal only in Arkansas."

Reagan speech 8/17/92, referring to Bill Clinton (with veiled reference to
Lloyd Bentson's comment to Dan Quayle during the 1988 VP debate; also after
joking about his (Reagan's) advanced age):
All right. Listen to me. This fellow they've nominated claims he's the new
Thomas Jefferson. Well, let me tell you something. I knew Thomas Jefferson.
He was a friend of mine. And, governor, you're no Thomas Jefferson.

Reagan speech 8/17/92 at Republican National Convention:
When we see all that rhetorical smoke billowing out from the Democrats,
ladies and gentlemen, I'd follow the example of their nominee: Don't inhale.

Bill Clinton justifies his proposed increases in government spending by
dividing it into investment spending and consumption spending:
GNP = C + I + Government Investment + Government Consumption
He claims that goverment investment is productive and is worth running a
deficit for.
The question is whether the government can really make that many investments
that are better than private sector investments. People are scared that under
Bill Clinton and the Democrats, we will instead get:
GNP = C + Pork Barrel + White Elephants
+ Bureaucracy + Inefficiency
+ Uncontrolled Costs
+ Politically Correct Spending
+ Outrageous Boondoggles
+ $500 Billion Bank Bailouts
+ Favors to Lobbyists
+ More Favors to Big-Voting-Bloc Special Interests
+ Even More Favors to Big-Money Campaign Contributors
Most people don't think that politicians, government bureaucrats and academic
economists would know an efficient investment from a hole in the wall. They
think that politicians would end up calling everything they like, including
increases in their own salaries, a form of investment.

One Man's Story Of Saying Whatever It Takes To Get Elected

He'll do to America what he did to Arkansas.
He won't inhale.
He won't take us to war... because he wouldn't go himself.

Hillary Clinton as "Tammy Wynette" Gennifer Flower as "The Bimbo"
Ted Kennedy as "His Chaperone" Mario Cuomo as "The Godfather"

Don't Miss the Sequel: GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS!

DLC Studios presents
Executive Producer: RON BROWN
Screenplay by: GEORGE MCGOVERN
Based on the Book By: GLORIA STEINEM
Music by: SISTER SOULJAH Performed by: ICE-T

Special Apperances by:

Soundtrack Available On Rated R: Ridiculous
Records and Tapes

George Bush:
"When Bill Clinton blows his taxophone, America will be singing the blues."


It's Friday night and President Bill is working late in the White House.
Suddenly the big, red telephone on his desk rings.
President Bill:
Hello! Hello!
Voice on the Line:
President Bill! We have a report that Boris Yeltsin
just ordered the launch of all Russian missiles
in a full-scale nuclear attack against the United States!
President Bill: [take-off on a Clinton tirade against Jesse Jackson]
BAM!!! goes the receiver back in the red telephone's cradle.
President Bill grabs the briefcase next to his desk,
whirls the combination locks, flings open the lid,
and jabs in a series of top-secret access codes.
A voice comes over the briefcase speaker.
Mr. President, is this a drill?
President Bill:
Listen to me.
We're being attacked by the Russians.
Launch a full-scale response immediately.
Are you sure, Sir?
President Bill:
OK Sir, we're launching them this minute.
President Bill:
Thank you, Son!
The speaker goes silent and President Bill collapses in his chair.
Suddenly, an aid flings open the door and bursts into the room.
Hey Bill! Neat joke, huh?
Sounded real, didn't it?
Attacked by the Russians! What a gag!
Hey, you want something from the kitchen, Bill?
How about a Pizza or something?
Say Bill, are you OK? You look kinda pale.
You OK Bill?

I just realized why Clinton visited Tandem yesterday rather than Sun or HP
which would have brought larger crowds.
He thought Tandem would be a friendlier crowd when he heard they were a
"fault tolerant" company.

Reporter: Governor Clinton, what damage do you think has been done to your
campaign by your wife's comment the other day about how "Hitler was really a
great guy" ?
Clinton: (Mixture of sadness and anger, but articulate as always.) Hilary and
myself are shocked, outraged, and deeply saddened by this terrible
misunderstanding. The media hype is way out of proportion. You guys should
know us by now--we would never say anything like that. And though she did say
a few things about Germany she certainly didn't mean anything offensive by
her remarks, which I might add have been willfully and shamefully taken out
of context and distorted. There is nothing in my life, or Hilary's life,
which can be construed as deroguerotory toward the German people. We honor
them. Some of our best friends are Germans. My own grandmother was
one-quarter German. And it certainly isn't true that Germans are excluded
from our country club. In my eleven years as Governor of Arkansas I was
responsible for hiring more German-Americans than my three predecessors
combined. We have some pie charts which we'll pass around for all you boys
so you have the whole story. Once the American people know all the facts
they'll understand just how ridiculous this is.
Part of this just naturally comes from being the frontrunner, although I
never thought of myself that way or wanted to be called that. You boys just
keep taking your best shots. The American people have seen the worst of me
and they aren't turned off by what we stand for. But this latest outrage is
just too much. You boys ought to be ashamed. Sleaze for soundbites, trash for
cash, that's what this is. We have good reason to believe the audio tapes
were doctored. We're not even sure if that's Hilary's voice. You guys ought
to have checked this out better before launching a major attack on my wife.
The whole story was phony to begin with. In fact, our sources suggest that
this is is just the latest manifestation of the viscious smear campaign
orchestrated by the white house, who have declared many times that they will
do whatever it takes to win this election. And that's part of the reason tha
we're so outraged about this--the very gall of the whole thing. The only
nazis you find in America these days are people like David Duke, who of
course is a Republican, not a Democrat. But I certainly don't mean to imply
that George Bush has any Nazi skeletons in his closet. As I told Hilary just
this morning, "Two wrongs don't make a right."
It also comes as no surprise that Governor Brown has jumped on the bandwagon
and has repeated these ridiculous charges every chance he gets. It is clearly
in Governor Brown's interest to do whatever he can to turn the discussion
away from his "flat tax" proposal which would spell disaster for the people
of this nation. And former Senator Tsongas, although he tried to claim he
was above such things, has also chimed in with a few comments of his own and
he maintains he isn't even running any more. Unlike Senator Tsongas and
Governor Brown, I've always tried to focus on issues, and God knows we've
tried to avoid misleading or negative campaigning of any kind.
(Turning up the heat, getting more dramatic.)
The millions of citizens of this great country who are out of work or scared
of losing their jobs or their health insurance know what I stand for. People
are genuinely disillutioned with the way things are in Washington, and this
kind of sideshow just reinforces their disgust. People have been let down,
they've been shafted by Washington. They want to know whether they have a
vehicle for their resentment. I have always run my campaigns as a change
agent. I'm as much of an outsider as anybody. I ran the first ad against the
congressional pay raise!
Certainly this is a sad commentary on the manipulation of the media, and the
people, by evil forces who oppose our candidacy. Here we are trying to bring
everyone together in this country so that we can work for the future, and
once again viscious lies are spread about us and guerilla tactics are used
against us. Besides, I thought you guys were supposed to be on my side. It is
just plain cowardice to keep bringing this up and attacking my wife instead
of raising honest issues like the need for more submarines, my support for a
middle class tax cut, the way Senator Tsongas wants to break the backs of
poor honest retired folks by slashing their social security payments, how
opposed I am to raising the gas tax, or the way Jerry's flat tax would
cripple the nation. Maybe Hilary should have just stayed home in Arkansas and
baked some cookies.

Saw this on "In Living Color" last night:
Barbara Bush to Hillary Clinton: "Your daughter's so ugly Woody Allen
wouldn't touch her."

New campaign slogan for Gov. Clinton:
Smell my lips.....No more Bush

I heard Bill Clinton was Grand Marshal of a stock car race during the Labor
Day weekend. A politician strikes me as an excellent choice to preside over
an event where people drive in circles at high speed.

Ya know, I kinda hope that Clinton does get elected... It will be the first
time in a long while that I'll have been able to *really* enjoy political
Bill Clinton has been advised by doctors to save his voice and
not speak a single word for the next couple days.
Guess this means he'll have to contradict himself in mime...

Bill Clinton is *so* fat when he sits around the White House, he sits
*around* the White House.

CLINTON = Chicken Lickin' Idiot Now Taking Over Nation
CLINTON = Crazy Liberal Intent On Needlessly Trashing Our Nation
CLINTON = Clearly Loose Internal Navigation Techniques Occupy Never-Neverland
GORE = Genniffer's Only Remaining Enterprise
GORE = Greatly Oriented to Radical Ecology
EARTH DAY = Ecological Alarmism Retold To Hysterical Dopes And Youngsters
GORE = Great One Regulating Everything

Well, now that the election will be a thing of the past tonight, I guess Bill
Clinton will be glad. Why you ask?
So he can put Jennifer Flowers to bed! [literally]

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving
this year?
A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!
A2: Because they can't afford any more pork
A3: Reagan ate all the jellybeans
A4: They've been having turkey FOR YEARS
A5: Because Bill is having Gennifer
A6: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.

If you don't like BUSH, you're a homo.

Why does Hillary have a big mouth?
She likes to bl** whales.

Why does hillary have a grimace on her face?
Bill forgot to take the di*** out.

Why did Bill use the di***?
Because Hillary bit it off!

Why did Gennifer Flowers leave Bill and talked?
Bill had NOTHING to give her!

About the porno film,
Slick Willie bl*** the country.

And a Perot Joke:
Doesn't Perot look like Radar 30 years later?

And another Clinton joke:

Hillary isn't just butt ugly, she's up-butt ugly!

Vote Democrat... It's easier than getting a job

Come April 21, Many Americans will be seeing the following 1040EZ, Thanks to
Bill Clinton:
Enter your salary from last year on line 1. ..........line 1_____________
Please remit Line 1 for tax due.
Put all Comments/ Complaints in the box that follows: -------
| |
| |
Yes, I would like to give $1 for a re-elect the president fund...

does Bill Clinton really live on Bufoo Street?
Is that short for buffoon street?
Its great that Clinton is such a common place name...
It makes for great signs (thanks, Rush) like ...