HomeShort JokesBill Clinton


What he says............................What he means


"My fellow citizens"...................."Suckers"

"I didn't inhale"......................."I think you're all idiots"


"broad-based contributions"............."taxes"

"investing in our infrastructure"......."pork-barrel spending"

"spending cuts"........................."decimating the military"

"jobs program".........................."military base lay-offs"


"Attorney General"......................"the first semi-qualified woman
I could find without a criminal

"God bless America"....................."God help us, 'cause
I don't have a clue"

"Fairness".............................."screw all of you"

"I feel your pain"......................"and I like it"

"Economic program"......................see "investing in our


"opportunity"..........................."federal handout"

"compassion"............................see "opportunity"

"crime"................................."gun control/ban",
ref "Attorney General"

"deficit reduction".....................see "goals" and "Economic program"

"foreign policy"........................see "Vietnam" and "spending cuts"

"Health care reform"...................."nepotism",
ref "broad-based contributions"
"The Big Dinner in Los Gatos:
After a couple of Cocktails, President Clinton and the entire Entourage were
finally served.
John Sculley was presented with Grilled Salmon, Garnished with a small bowl
of Apple sauce.
Hilliary Rodham had Breast of Chicken.
Al Gore had Quail.... Of course.
When the Waiter presented President Clinton with the finest Cut of
Prime Rib you ever saw, He Looked at the plate and said " I ordered
the Pork Chops!!" The Manager (Who was hovering at this point, said
respectfully "Mr. President, I was there when you ordered and you
requested the Prime Rib." Bill Replied " I never said that"..."

The current menu at the White House
Mar 22 1993
From Kosher Kitchen, add 15% broad-based value-added contribution.
Certain items may not be available from Kosher Kitchen.
Changes in menu and kitchen by First Lady Hillary Clinton
(NYT Feb 01 93)
Certified by the Department of Agriculture, won the 1993 Espy award.
NOTE: I more suggestions for a "lite" menu for Secretary Aspen. We
do not want to contribute badly to his heart condition.
Waffles (catered by McDonald's)
1. Pain waffle $2.25
2. Waffle with a middle class tax cut NOT AVAILABLE(1)
3. Waffle with Lloyd's consumption tax syrup (2) BTU-dependent
4. Fried Waffle in Haitian Rum Sauce $3.25
with curly-excuse potatoes $2.99
(not available for Jesse Jackson)
(1) It's not the #1 item on our menu. I don't know who suggested that it
would be, but we never said it would be a balanced part of our
nutritious healthy budget of calories.
(2) With added ethanol. Also "reduced calorie" available, especially for
those with gas problems.
Fruit Loops in milk (camouflaged) 21 votes
trial basis until July from Senate
Nunn of the camouflage NEGOTIABLE
"Chelsea's breakfast specials"
{lots of sausage, bacon, and waffles}
with Quaker Oats $3.15
with condoms $3.50
with RU486 (test recipe) UPON REQUEST
Jogging track hash rounds $1000 gratuity
Stuffed Shelby Thousands of
Ball-and-chain, whipped, & opposition-free jobs in AL
QUOTE: ... The day after Clinton announced his budget
package to a joint session of Congress, Vice President
Al Gore sought to sell the plan by visiting lawmakers.
But he was embarrassed at a meeting in Sen. Richard
Shelby's office when, as the cameras rolled, the Alabama
Democrat publicly complained that the proposal was "high
on taxes and low on cuts."
The response from the White House was swift and
unapologetic: officials said they would move from Alabama
to Texas the management team for a space shuttle contract,
a loss of 90 jobs for Shelby's state. "We tolerate
dissention here," said one administration official familiar
with the episode. "But he embarrassed the veep on national
telelvision instead of speaking to us privately."
/Clinton musters support for plans by courting congress/
Richard Berke, NYT News Service
Mar 08 93 from Duke _Chronicle_ p. 13.
Budget cuts
from Democrats Not available due
to an "emergency"
$30B to be announced and executed in 1997-98.
The NY Times reports that Rep. Charles Schumer was asked why
the Democratic plan (lots of tax increases) is better than the
Republican plan (no tax increases). Schumer said "what makes our
budget the best is that it can pass, and we're doing something
about the deficit."
RLS Mar 19 93
from Republicans Found in trash
1. Rep. John Kasich (R-OH) produced a Republican plan
which would reduce the deficit by $429 B over the
next five years, without any tax increases.
2. Santorum-Specter plan (cut $97B of spending)
Subject: Re: Give me specifics == Yet Another Lie
Date: 9 Mar 93 16:26:02 GMT
3. Gramm-Lott amendment in Senate
4. Sen. Hank Brown (R-CO): WSJ Mar 09 93, p A16.
5. Rep. Gerald Solomon (R-NY). Compromise bill that
incorporated elements of the Clinton plan's
taxes and Kasich's spending cuts. Defeated with
the Kasich plan on Mar 18, 1993. Cuts included
"killing" the superconducting supercollider, and
an additional $60B in defense cuts underneath
the defense cuts set by Bush, Powell, and Cheaney
which were $50B beneath the 1990 Budget deal caps.
1. The Congressional Special
Two FAKE pork patties (it's a Kosher kitchen,
after all), special interests, and an industrial
strength laxative (to help it go down smooth)
on a sesame and caraway seeded bun (to show
the bun's cultural diversity) $3.95
Tenderheart recipe
25% fewer staff members than the old WH menu,
but have yet to see if the Congressional
Special's recipe will follow the lead $4.50
2. The Social Security Special SEE NOTE
3. Spotted Owl Wings @ SEE NOTE
4. Fried chicken lips (demonstrated by DNC) $120 K
cf. The Economist, Feb 27; RLS Mar 08 93
5. Supreme Choice Sandwich $13.20
May substitute for White bread anything that is
tested pro-choice, has minority status, and has
liberal activist connections to Clinton's law
school profs at Yale.
6. Carville's Blackened Louisiana Basketball Final Four
Carville was also asked why so many campaign officials had been
brought back to the White House to straighten things out. He
replied "well, it's like how many blacks you played on the
basketball team in Louisiana 20 years ago - the rule was three
at home, four on the road, and five when you're behind."
Reported in RLS Feb 26 93
[Right after he had been brought into the White House to fix
the Clinton administration's mess of things, Carville talked
about how "the President is doing a fine job, but the
problem is we don't know what to do with her husband."]
NOTE: Cannot be served at this time, as it is an endangered species.
- VP A.G.
@ Spotted Owl Wings is an actual menu item at the Bordermine Cafe in
Colorado [RLS Feb 03 93]
1. Sacrificial Republiclamb with scapegoat cheese ***SPECIAL***
with Ronaroni memory of 1980s
with Broccoli guilt of Horton
with Quail and a baked potatoe price is a joke
2. The Rainbow Cabinet Trout
(confirmed in less than a month)
in a special interest jus $11.00
with a salad fit for millionaires $9.00
a la Hillary (grilled over wood for at least
90 min) $7.95
feminist flambe' (a sprinkling of womyn/en) $7.75
with Reich-a-roni (laborously stirred) $7.50
in a Ron Brown sauce (w/o Social Sec Sauce,
with golden parachutes) $1.4M
with Zoe-cchuni NO LONGER
Nevada-style (all croutons from Reno) $8.36
a la Gore (without fish, not cooked over a stove, no nukes
or microwaves, not stored in a Freon-using refrigerator ... hell, it's
just pieces of raw organically grown grass) $9.50
3. Suefood Surprise
with a cabinet full of lawyers $10.95
with a cabinet full of millionaires $10.95
with a "leaner" bureaucracy $10,950
fully serviced by illegal immigrants NOT AVAILABLE
with micromanagement NO EXTRA CHARGE
Children's Legal Defense Fund Portion
with a parental lawsuit and an Al Gore
Environmentally sound coloring book
(bag of crayons, no book - would mean
the death of a tree!) PARENTS BILLED
4. Stephanopoultry assortment (from the "Chicken Plant")
without a Dee-Dessert $6.75
with a large Gephardt role $7.95
special prosecutor UPON REQUEST
5. (Mis)Steak of the Union $10.15
Burned to a crisp. (Hey I guess we asked for it.)
6. Forest Gridlock Summit Vegetarian Pizza
(may substitute marijuana for oregano
in Arkansas:: 01/28 AP Report) $8.95
After Years of Gridlock, Action to Save Jobs and Precious Resources
... It is time to break the gridlock that has blocked action
and bring all sides together to craft a balanced approach to
the economic and environmental challenges we face."
Wed Mar 10 93 White House Press Release
1. Hope Springs Eternal (Flavored dirty tap water from the Arkansas River
near the "Chicken Plant")
In a recycled glass or plastic bottle
(BYO Bottle) $2.25
"Dolphin-Free" $2.95
"Soak the Rich" punch
We'll back a truck to the nearest
window, stick a nozzle in your mouth, and
irrigate you like some Tennessee Valley
Authority project. UPON REQUEST
2. Celestial Blackmail Teas $100K
[Celestial Teas targeted by the New York Boycott Colorado
group, which was formed in protest of Colorado's rejection of Amendment
2. Story by Walter Smith, Colorado Springs IT Center, Feb 05 93]
3. Shalala Shake $2.50
Milk shake with PC pudding and a pink flamingo
decoration. Stirred with tongue depressor.
[Inspired by a picture of 1000 plastic pink flamingoes placed on
a quad area in the University of Wisconsin.]
4. CAFE au EPA 40 mpg
5. Dallas Cowboy Stampede Scalp of Wash Redskin
Slick Willy Long Island % $1.00
Hillary's health care cookies $2.99
with Celestial Blackmail Tea $3.99
Triple layer-of-taxes cake (SALE PRICE!!!!) $30K or more
Schoolhouse deficit cake $128.31
Sweet death of pro-life movement (Gunned down) Freedom of Choice
Access Act Passage
% Really, this is an actual menu item in Harry's Chocolate Shop,
an adult bar in West Lafayette IN. (It's $3.00 w/tax.)
Source: Kevin L. Stamber, Purdue Univ.
********** SPECIAL NOTICE ********** SPECIAL NOTICE **********
Any item from the old John F. Kennedy menu 15% off menu price.
Any item from the old Franklin Roosevelt menu is 20% off.
Any item from Eleanor Roosevelt's recipe book is FREE!!!!!!
Larry Villella, a 14-y.o. in Fargo ND [Feb 22 93] $1000.00
"I think you're really a symbol of what's best
in this country, and I'm proud of you and I
thank you for doing this." -- Bill Clinton
An elementary school [RLS Mar 08 93] $ 130.00
An elementary school [RLS Mar 08 93] $ 200.00
Liz Smith, gossip columnist, NY Newsday [Mar 03 93]:
"Now is your chance actively to help Uncle Sam with his
deficit headache. Do you want to do something useful,
while waiting as Congress tries to sweat out and melt
down President Clinton's new tax program? Well, you can!
Simply figure out how much you can bear to part with and
make out a check to the government of the US, marking it
as a contribution to help reduce the deficit.
"This is a trendy and good thing, no matter how
big or small your contribution, and it is something that
more and more people are doing to show they really want
the deficit reduced. If everybody in the country sent a
small check or money order, it could make a very big
impact. Address your envelopes to President Bill Clinton,
The White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC 20500."
A prison inmate at Somers CT [RLS Mar 17 93] $ 25.00