IF MEN HAD THEIR WAY...
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle,
you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable
excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your
window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car
like Fred Flintstone.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned
helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be
with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go
drinking. Mother's Day, too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be
celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing
cops. Or to the crooks.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the
Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football
from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned
it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.