"Dear Santa" from Barbie and Ken
Listen, you troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being
the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid
weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate
to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better
be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a
nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.
I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits
gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro
crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my
skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway?
If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me)
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away
once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just
get it done.
6. A jog bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about
a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature
container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips;
"Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own pain gun, outfitted with a fake
fur coat andhandcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable
Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years -- I think I deserve it.
OK, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I
don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can
find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in
her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In
addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about
me, my ability to please, and my some of my fashion choices. I would like
to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms.
Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT
deserve preferential treatment -- the bitch has everything. I, along with
Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening
gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hair style. I
personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great
length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my
decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered "Decorator
Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of work Actor Ken"? In addition there are
several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S & M Ken",
"Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken" These would
more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as
for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I need bendable
knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be
helpful for me in other situations -- we've talked about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the
blonde bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others.
And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine; at least that's what he
said last night in bed.