Many are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets
is that one doesn't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't
get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat
diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3
days, and go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is
there nothing one can do. . . .?
. . . . The new Toddler Miracle Diet, used by millions of trim toddlers the
Breakfast - One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2
bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite
of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch - Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of
milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner - A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer.
Bedtime Snack - Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.
Breakfast - Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half
bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch - Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a cigarette (to be
eaten, not smoked). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack - Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop
in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring
inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner - A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left
nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.
Breakfast - Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in
hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After breakfast,
pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the
cushion of your best chair.
Lunch - Three matches, peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites
onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner - Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee.
Breakfast - A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an
olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of
sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch - Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that
sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner - A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate.
Stick of mascara for dessert.