From: Elaine Jordaan (emjord@FISHNET.NET)
Date: Fri, 19 Jan 1996 14:51:22 +0000 (GMT)
If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted
for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You
wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it
anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced
steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up
95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that
let's you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would
secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them.
Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them
since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
If Fisher Price made toasters...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the
bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every
morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service
department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the
box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have
an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access
in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and
gives you regular bread.
If Sony made toasters...
Their Personal Toasting Device, which would be barely larger than the
single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to
If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your
authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.
If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice
toaster in the world.
If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the same
If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a
licking and keep on toasting.
If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you
could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If K-Tel sold toasters...
They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of
If University of Waterloo made toasters...
They would immediately spin-off a company called WatToast.
If the PQ made toasters...
They wouldn't want to be on the same counter-top as the rest of the