THE NEW & IMPROVED 10 COMMANDMENTS!
10. Thou shalt register thine weapon so that in the event thou dost kill,
thou shalt be easily found and reminded of the original "Thou shalt not
kill" commandment. And also, it provides ample time to knit thou a lovely
gun cosy for Xmas.
9. Thou shalt still honour the Sabbath, but in the event thou art scheduled
to work, thou mayest swap Sabbaths with someone of a differing religion
which has it's Sabbath on thine day off. And also, thou can play cards,
drink, and generally be sinful, as long as thou promise to swap penance
with someone who's built up a glut of "Heaven Things."
8. Thou shalt honour thy legal guardians, unless of course thine therapist
suggests they're too dysfunctional to be worth the bother. Also, thou can
put them away in a home any old time thou feels like it, but thou should at
least try to visit once in a while. OK, how 'bout a phone call? No? Thou
art a jerk.
7. Thou shalt not covet thine neighbour's spouse, nor their lover that
they've taken for the Summer, nor their relatives, nor them either. Thou
should buyest a magazine.
6. Thou shalt not steal...unless it's antiperspirant. In that case, please
5. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's baked goods, nor their gardening
supplies, nor their camper, nor their rotten children, nor that expensive
bottle of scotch thou gavest them for Xmas, nor anything that belongs to
them. Thou mayest, however, "borrow" any of these items and then
conveniently "forget" to take it back - unless it's a perishable food item
4. Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain, with the following
a) Thou hast inadvertently made an appointment with whomever did
Tori Spelling's last hairdo.
b) Thou hast been saddled with co-workers who useth "action" as a
c) It's the second coming and the Lord has returned, but only if
the Lord seems confused and has wandered aimlessly onto your
estate and they don't look like they're about to do any yardwork.
3. Thou shalt not be tiresome in thine conversation, nor in thine choice of
clothing, nor in thine work habits. Thou may, however, go jump in the lake.
2. Thou shalt not pay a lot for this muffler.
1. I am the new improved "Lemon Fresh God" and thou shalt have no Gods
before me, not a "Potpourri God" nor a "Meadow Fresh God" nor even a
"Double Action Blammo Dirt To Hell God."