by Matt Groening
NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike. Sure, you thought you already
knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and
studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers
to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular
basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out
to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots".
Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting
go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he
will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and
I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I
want you to know there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I
Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at
least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get
over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as
adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving
each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately,
the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try
to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will roll
their eyes and groan and wait it out.
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
"i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their
"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazine
also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a
beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should
not be seen by the light of day.
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and
buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are
half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He
buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout
counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When
a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out,
as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then
slip into Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag
from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five
minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.
A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the
dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she
wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme
the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line".
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface--mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.
Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use
garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they
watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind". For men, it's when Jimmy
Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy".
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one
ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge
singer named Vic.
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of
the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a
uniform reaction--he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather
driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to
send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for
two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they
will talk for three hours.
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One
of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee, that must
hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain.
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings,
she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to
be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will
drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like
I've found a new way to get there", and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I
recognize that White Hen store".
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that
he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate
Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the
health club and dates only married women.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite
foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some
short people living in the house.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for:
Nudity in Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is
because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.
The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4,000 for
state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography
classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up
taking better pictures.
Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things
such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is
growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign
for them and cry on election night.
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well
as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk
about one thing in the locker room--sex. And not in abstract terms, either.
They are extremely graphic and technical, and THEY NEVER LIE.
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of
clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take
his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet
beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk
about "the bachelor party".
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male
cheerleaders are scary.
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear
strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds
on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or
12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession wih toys. As
they older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical.
Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated
juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails
on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least
six "D" batteries to operate.
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man
waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment
full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt
Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like
"Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk", women eschew the use of nicknames. If
Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will
call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave,
Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.