This is a excerpt from the sci-fi series "Red Dwarf" and one of the
characters, a mechanoid named Kryten has just been turned into a human...
he has the following conversation with a human-since-birth, Lister:
Lister: Any problems?
Kryten: Well, just one or two. In fact I've compiled a little list if
you'll indulge me. Now then, uh, my optical system doesn't appear to have a
Lister: No, human eyes don't have a zoom.
Kryten: Well then, how do you bring a small object into sharp focus?
Lister: Well, you just move your head closer to the object.
Kryten: I see. Move your head ... closer, hmm, to the object. All right,
okay. Well, what about other optical effects, like split screen, slow
Lister: No. We don't have them.
Kryten: You don't have them -- just the zoom? Hmm. Well, no, that's fine,
that's great, no, no, that's really great, that's great. Now then, my
nipples don't work.
Lister: Er, in what way `don't work'?
Kryten: Well, uh, when I was a mechanoid, the right nipple-nut was used to,
uh, regulate body temperature, while the left nipple-nut was used mainly
to, uh, pick up shortwave radio transmissions. Now, what I'm saying is, no
matter how hard I twiddle it, I can't seem to pick up Jazz FM.
Lister: Human nipples don't do that, Kryte.
Kryten: I see. Fine. Ah: recharging. Now, I presume that, uh, when a human
wants to recharge they do it much the same way mechanoids do. Indeed, I
have located what I presume to be the recharging socket, but for some
strange reason it doesn't appear to have the standard three-pin adaption.
Now, do I have to use some kind of special adaptor? because, no matter what
do, the lead just keeps falling out.
Lister: Kryten, we eat and sleep: that's our way of recharging.
Kryten: Hmm. Ah yes, now, I wanted to talk to you about something.
Something about, um, well, something I know we humans get a little
embarrassed about. It's a bit of a taboo subject -- not the sort of thing
we like to sit around and chat about in polite conversation.
Lister: Kryten, I'm an enlightened twenty-third century guy. Spit it out,
Kryten: Well, I want to talk to you about my penis. I knew it, you've gone
straight into smirk mode. Aren't we both two human adults? Can't we discuss
our reproductive system without adolecent sniggering?
Lister: Yeah, of course we can.
Kryten: Thank you. [hands Lister polaroid] Well?
Lister: `Well' what?
Kryten: Well, what do you think?
Lister: I'm not quite with you here, Kryten. What am I supposed to say?
Kryten: I want to know: is that normal?
Lister: What? Taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates? No,
Kryten: Well, but is it supposed to look like that?
Lister: Well, yeah.
Kryten: It's hideous! That's the best design they could come up with? Are
you seriously telling me there were choices, and someone said "Ah, there,
that's it. That's the shape we're looking for: The last-chicken-in-the-shop
look"? Shakespeare had one? Einstein? Perry Como sang `Memories are Made of
This' with one of those stashed in his slacks?
Lister: Well, yeah.
Kryten: No wonder humans don't have a zoom mode! Ugh. Now, take a look at
this [hands Lister polaroid. Lister rotates it several times, perplexed]
and this. [hands Lister second polaroid. Lister holds them side-by-side,
then top to bottom. Sudden shock] Now why do you suppose that happened?
Lister: Wwwwwhat were you thinking of at the time?
Kryten: Well, nothing in particular, sir. I was just idly flicking through
an electrical-appliance catalogue. I came across the section on
super-deluxe vacuum cleaners and suddenly my underpants elastic was
catapulted across the medical bay.
Lister: You see, man, you're neither one thing or the other. You shouldn't
be getting erotic thoughts about electrical appliances.
Kryten: It was a triple-bag easy-glide vac with turbo-suction and a
Lister: Kryten, I don't care what model it was. No vacuum cleaner should
give a human being a double polaroid. Do yourself a favour, man, change
Kryten: Back? Become one of those poor sappy sad-act mechanoids again? This
is my dream. Hey listen, listen, I've got a joke for you. Now, how many
mechanoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
Lister: [sadly] I don't know.
Kryten: Twelve. And you know why?
Lister: [even sadder] Why?
Kryten: Because they're so stupid! Uhuhuhuhuh. Isn't that just the greatest
joke? Huhuh. I've got another one. Ever heard of the mechanoid peeping-Tom?
[Looks repeatedly, like a machine.] Uhuhuhuhuh.
[Lister leaves. External shot with Kryten's laughs echoing]
Cat: Man, this is a totally wacked-out idea. It's never going to work.
Rimmer: That DNA machine can do anything. Why shouldn't it work? The hard
part was finding one of my dead cells.
Cat: You really think you can clone yourself from your own dandruff?
Rimmer: Why not? Dandruff has DNA in it. That machine has a clone facility.
Cat: But a man made from dandruff? It's never going to work. The first time
you take a shower with medicated shampoo, you'll disappear.
Rimmer: I won't be made of dandruff -- my body will be recreated from the
genetic pattern contained in its structure.
Cat: How's Kryten?
Lister: Confused. If he ever offers to show you his photo collection, my
advice is: decline, politely.