NASA'S GALILEO PROBE FINDS NO EVIDENCE FOR ELVIS ON EARTH
The Galileo science team today announced that the spacecraft's instruments
failed to find any new traces of Elvis Presley during its flyby of Earth
last December 8th.
"It's a tough background subtraction problem," explained Dr. Edward B. Rock
of Caltech. "We know the planet contains several thousand Elvis imitators.
You have to distinguish the real thing from many objects of similar
The method used involved interdisciplinary comparison from several of
Galileo's sensors. "For example, an Elvis imitator would have a very
similar appearance to Elvis in the SSI [Solid State Imaging] and NIMS [Near
Infrared Mapping Spectrometer] data," said Dr. Graham Finale. "But no
imitator has Elvis's magnetism." Researchers combined data from Galileo's
sensitive magnetometer, mounted on a 36-foot (11 meter) boom, with optical,
infrared, and ultraviolet measurements. They are capable of identifying a
single genuine Elvis among all the other features of Earth's landscape.
This is a very sensitive technique-- a feat equivalent to standing in St.
Joseph, Missouri, and distinguishing a jellybean in a bowl of amphetamines
Galileo investigators were cautious about ruling out the possible existence
of Elvis. "We can only set an upper limit," said Dr. Rock. "And we're
guessing to some extent at the profile we're looking for. If Elvis has lost
weight, for instance, he'd have a different infrared signature." According
to the science team, there are 0.21 plus or minus 0.17 Elvises on Earth, a
number described as "consistent with zero."
Though speculation has been published in some journals that evidence for
Elvis might exist on other planets and moons in our solar system, most
scientists agree that Earth is the most likely place to find him. "If, as
the new results suggest, there's no Elvis on Earth," said Dr. Torrance
California, "this lends weight to the supposition that he really is dead."
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Which reminds me.....
In some article summarizing the significance of 1990, I did see a quote
from a psychic to the effect that "It was more likely that Elvis was alive
this year than it has been for the past several years." Perhaps the .21
Elvises found by the Galileo probe is only a harbinger of greater numbers
of Elvises to come. *GASP* *shock* NOOOOOOOOOOO.......!!!!!!!!!
"This life is only a test. If it had been a real life, you would have been