Subject: The history of DOS
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Adam Allouba)
Date: Wed, 26 Jul 95 4:30:02 EDT
Found this gem on the NANET Comedy Conference. If you know anything about
DOS vs Windows vs OS/2 vs... then READ IT.
How It Came To Pass...
Long ago, in the days when all disks flopped in the breeze and the writing
of words was on a star, the Blue Giant dug for the people the Pea Sea. But
he needed a creature who could sail the waters, and would need for support
but few rams.
So the Gatekeeper, who was said to be both micro and soft, fashioned a
Dosfish, who was small and spry, and could swim the narrow sixteen-bit
channel. But the Dosfish was not bright, and could be taught few new
tricks. His alphabet had no A's, B's, or Q's, but a mere 640 K's, and the
size of his file cabinet was limited by his own fat.
At first the people loved the Dosfish, for he was the only one who could
swim the Pea Sea. But the people soon grew tired of commanding his line,
and complained that he could be neither dragged nor dropped. "Forsooth,"
they cried. "the Dosfish can only do one job at a time, and of names, he
knows only eight and three." And many of them left the Pea Sea for good,
and went off in search of the Magic Apple.
Although many went, far more stayed, because admittance to the Pea Sea was
cheap. So the Gateskeeper studied the Magic Apple, and rested awhile in the
Parc of Xer-Ox, and he made a Window that could ride on the Dosfish and do
its thinking for it. But the Window was slow, and it would break when the
Dosfish got confused. So most people contented themselves with the Dosfish.
Now it came to pass that the Blue Giant came upon the Gateskeeper, and
spoke thus: "Come, let us make of ourselves something greater than the
Dosfish." The Blue Giant seemed like a humbug, so they called the new
creature OZ II.
Now Oz II was smarter than the Dosfish, as most things are. It could drag
and drop, and could keep files without becoming fat. But the people cared
for it not. So the Blue Giant and the Gateskeeper promised another OZ II,
to be called Oz II Too, that could swim the fast new 32-bit wide Pea Sea.
Then lo, a strange miracle occurred. Although the Window that rode on the
Dosfish was slow, it was pretty, and the third Window was the prettiest of
all. And the people began to like the third Window, and to use it. So the
Gateskeeper turned to the Blue Giant and said, "Fie on thee, for I need
thee not. Keep thy OZ II Too, and I shall make of my Window an Entity that
will not need the Dosfish, and will swim in the 32-bit Pea Sea."
Years passed, and the workshops of the Gateskeeper and the Blue Giant were
overrun by insects. And the people went on using their Dosfish with a
Window; even though the Dosfish would from time to time become confused and
die, it could always be revived with three fingers.
Then there came a day when the Blue Giant let forth his OZ II Too onto the
world. The Oz II Too was indeed mighty, and awesome, and required a great
ram, and the world was changed not a whit. For the people said, "It is
indeed great, but we see little application for it." And they were
doubtful, because the Blue Giant had met with the Magic Apple, and together
they were fashioning a Taligent, and the Taligent was made of objects, and
was most pink.
Now the Gateskeeper had grown ambitious, and as he had been ambitious
before he grew, he was now more ambitious still. So he protected his Window
Entity with great security, and made its net work both in serving and with
peers. And the Entity would swim, not only in the Pea Sea, but in the
Oceans of Great Risk. "Yea," the Gateskeeper declared, "though my entity
will require a greater ram than Oz II Too, it will be more powerful than a
world of Eunuchs.
And so the Gateskeeper prepared to unleash his Entity to the world, in all
but two cities. For he promised that a greater Window, a greater Entity,
and even a greater Dosfish would appear one day in Chicago and Cairo, and
it too would be built of objects.
Now the Eunuchs who lived in the Oceans of Great Risk, and who scorned the
Pea Sea, began to look upon their world with fear. For the Pea Sea had
grown, and great ships were sailing in it, the Entity was about to invade
their oceans, and it was rumored that files would be named in letters
greater than eight. And the Eunuchs looked upon the Pea Sea, and many of
them thought to immigrate.
Within the Oceans of Great Risk were many Sun Worshippers, and they wanted
to excel, and make their words perfect, and do their jobs as easy as
one-two-three. And what's more, many of them no longer wanted to pay for
the Risk. So the Sun Lord went to the Pea Sea, and got himself
And taking the next step was He of the NextStep, who had given up building
his boxes of black. And he proclaimed loudly that he could help anyone make
wondrous soft wares, then admitted meekly that only those who know him
could use those wares, and he was made of objects, and required the biggest
ram of all.
And the people looked out upon the Pea Sea, and they were sore amazed. And
sore confused. And sore sore. And that is why, to this day, Ozes, Entities,
and Eunuchs battle on the shores of the Pea Sea, but the people still
travel on the simple Dosfish.
The original author of this article is: "Lincoln Spector"
That article was from his regular computer humor column, Gigglebytes, which he
have been writing since 1986.
Oofficial posting at http://www.thelinkinspector.com/giggle930701.htm.