By Jack Handey
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and
"ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't
just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him,
and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is
they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then,
when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite
and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny
plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors
came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a
good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I
guess I'm a coward.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture,
is the story of Popeye.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they
ever press charges.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,
and the dancers hit each other.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of
striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was
free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending
he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered
where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
circus, and a clown killed my dad.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was
very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been
painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a
child look like a deer.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head
out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make
people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm
myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When
the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the
porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a
note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets
right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep
the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey,
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet
you can really see it in those genitals.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck,
and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what
is that thing.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made
a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I
remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive
and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees
there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever
sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat
some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things
never leave you.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is
"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is
not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an
elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said
it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her
suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke
- just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried,
but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started
to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think
liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong,
though. It's Hambone.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her
dinner tasted like.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we
wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he
picked up in town.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I
thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and
how I named him Flint.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell
on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are
all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort
of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
If you drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because,
man, they're gone.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you
walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You
can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the
most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot
farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,
flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful
rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his
feet. And also, you're drunk.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's
children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,
because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by
shoving them down his throat).
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them
"impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we
all be brothers?
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that
I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was
thinking about doing that anyway.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And
since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and
hand it to him.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward
into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess
that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back
and forth, wanting that money.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet
it makes beer shoot out your nose.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I
sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking
and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I
can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my
brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's
just eggs hatching.
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the
room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and
if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the
police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started
wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all
day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It
was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks
all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody:
First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage
that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too.
Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even
if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking
to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it
would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's
okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him
to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while
you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a
truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a
good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon.
But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your
little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here,
looking through your stuff.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a
slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish
out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the
fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace
treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly
act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself.
For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally
you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful
swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again.
Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people
might actually think that.
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each
year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a
lot of money."
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,
Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck,
which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until
you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the
sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those
ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the
watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw
skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is
reserved for skeletons."