HomeFunplexWeb Tina

[Editor's Note: This is a different list of courtroom humor than the one in
"Disorder in the Court" by Richard Lederer, which has been going around the
net for a while. The other list can be found in the "True" section of my
main humor page,]

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: (Jeff Lee)
Subject: Humor in Lawsuits (long)

I work in a court reporting office; in addition to my normal
computer-related duties, I also proofread deposition transcripts during
busy times.

I've built up a pretty long list of humorous things that occasionally
occur; unintentional (or intentional) double-entendres, witnesses (and
lawyers) not paying attention to what they're really saying, and so forth.

Here are some of the better ones that I (and some others in the office)
have run across.

*** Names have been changed to protect all parties. ***

Q: I hate to be nosy, but how old are you?
A: Forty-three. That's okay. You're nosy enough. You might as well put that

Q: Did she appear to be in any pain? In other words, just looking at her,
did she look like she was hurting?
A: She's so ugly it looks like she hurts all the time.

ATTORNEY: I object to that as being a question impossible to answer;
outside this person's expertise; and I don't know what it means.

DEF ATT: I object to that as being an improper question and this man cannot
answer the question.
PLTF ATT: Go sit on it.

Q: What happened in that accident?
A: I was going around the corner and it was wet and rainy outside, and I
kind of slid down an embankment and went into some bushes.
Q: Were the police called out to that?
A: A state trooper came out. And he gave me a careless driving ticket
because he told me he had to give me a ticket. I didn't fight it, because
it was my word against the bushes, I guess you could say.

THE WITNESS: The relevant question here is --
ATTORNEY 1: Well, why don't you let her ask a question?
ATTORNEY 2: Let her ask --
THE WITNESS: I thought you did. Okay.
ATTORNEY 3: I thought I did, too.
ATTORNEY 1: Well, I don't know what it is.
ATTORNEY 3: The witness does, and I do.
THE WITNESS: What's your question?

Q: Dr. Smith, how are you --
A: Just fine.
Q: Pardon?
A: Just fine. I'm ready to go.
Q: Okay. Great. How are you employed?

A: You've got to figure I'm a pretty conservative lady. This is the first
concert I had ever been to.
Q: Of any kind?
A: Well, I take that back. I went to Jerry Lee Lewis when I was 16 years
Q: There was no shooting at that concert, was there?
A: No. A whole lot of shaking going on, but no shooting.

Q: What was your attorney's name?
A: It was John Smith, right here in Tampa.
LAWYER 1: Right out the window.
THE WITNESS: Right. So what I'm getting --
LAWYER 2: Let the record be clear that Mr. Smith is not hanging out the
THE WITNESS: I don't know. Knowing John, he could be.

Q: Is that the only license you hold?
A: I have a marriage license.
Q: You're not a realtor or a plumber or anything else like that?
A: No. They don't require a license to have children, which they should.

A: Well, I have never heard of anything like that, but I suppose any help
at the time would have been a help.

Q: And the serratus anterior nerve that -- or the nerves that go to it,
where do they come from?
A: The neck, the cervical region.
Q: From the cervical region?
A: Yes.
Q: And did you do any examination of his cervical -- of his cervix -- to
determine if there was any problem with his nerves going through his neck?
A: He doesn't have a cervix, but, yes, I examined the biceps.

Q: How long have you been married to her?
A: Nineteen years.
Q: Is that your only marriage?
A: Yes, it is, that I know of.

Q: Do you recall discussing with John Smith that if you were in a
deposition or anything like that and you don't want to give the right
answer, all you have to say is, "I don't know. I don't recall"?
A: No. I don't remember.

Q: No one went with you from Foobar to assist you. Correct?
A: It seems to me -- not from Foobar. Like I said, it was a long time ago.
I mean, my memory is as short as my peter.

A: Obsessive-compulsive symptoms: Sometimes checks his own activities.
Suicidal and homicidal ideations: Sometimes he has suicidal ideations
regarding his car or truck every couple of days, particularly following
contact with his attorney.

Q: Do you recall if you had any alcohol or anything to drink prior to the
A: Yes, I did.
Q: What did you have, if you remember?
A: I think I had a Fuzzy Navel.
Q: You ought to have a doctor look at that. Just kidding.

Q: Do you consider him to be competent in that area?
A: I don't know. I don't have any basis to remark about the competency of
his engineering. I do know he's dead.

A: There are very few production places in North Dakota.
ATTORNEY: Generally speaking, there are very few places in North Dakota.

Q: And where does sandblasting fit in your scale of being a prestigious
job? Do you think that's a prestigious job?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Okay. More so than working in a factory, I guess.
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Everybody's entitled to their opinion, I guess. I don't know. Maybe
you're right.
MR. JONES: Ranks above lawyers.
MR. SMITH: Yeah, I bet.
MR. JONES: Because everybody does that.
MR. SMITH: Yeah.

MR. SMITH: If I could just have a one-minute break sometime, whenever you
feel you're --
MR. JONES: This is a good time.
(Recess from 2:41 p.m. to 3:03 p.m.)

Q: Do you have any reason to believe that the decision to have Mr. Jones,
Mr. Brown and yourself work on Foobar products to the exclusion of the EMS
products listed in group 3 and 4 of Exhibit -- of the December 5 chart was
made or --
MR. SMITH: Can you read that back, and maybe I can try and figure out what
I wanted to ask.

Q: Oh, okay. So you had a conversation with Mr. Smith about the SeaTower at
some point --
A: Yes.
Q: -- prior to his death?

Q: And what is it about that particular night that you recall that you
didn't eat at the Holiday Inn?
A: What is it that I remember that I didn't eat?

Q: What was Linda drinking, if anything?
A: She was drinking one of them -- one of them lady drinks. I don't know
what it was.
Q: She had about the same as you?
A: No. Huh-uh. She doesn't drink much. She'll just have one drink, and
she'll suck on it all night long.

Q: Next time you saw him?
A: August 12, 1991. Checked tonsils -- no, I'm sorry, checked testicle.
Must be mother asking. But I didn't find anything wrong with testicle. On
the contrary, I noticed there was an ear problem.

Q: And Detroit Murphy -- what is that? Is that a school or --
A: It's Mercy, not Murphy.
Q: Oh, Mercy?
A: I'm sorry. Yeah, Mercy.
Q: Oh, I'm sorry. Mercy.
A: Yeah, Detroit Mercy is a college, and they do it like through the Jesuit
priests program. They do things with young boys.

MR. SMITH: Let me ask you, sir, to identify what I am going to have marked
as Defendant's Exhibit No. 1.
MR. JONES: Okay.
(Exhibit No. 1 marked for identification.)
A: He has nice big ones.
MR. JONES: I have got the same ones, and I had them blown.

Q: Could you please, in your own words, desribe where you're touching on
your body?
A: Right here.
Q: All right. Now, where is "right here"?
A: Right here.
Q: Is that your leg?
A: No, sir. My leg is here. That's my stomach. I got two stomachs right
here. But he was --
Q: All right. You have two stomachs.

Q: Why do you handle the family finances?
A: Because my mom and sister ain't that bright.

Q: Did you notice any differences in the plaintiff during the fishing trip
after the accident and the times you had been with him before?
A: Yes.
Q: Can you tell the jury about that? A: After a long period of time holding
his rod, you could see he had to sit down for a period of time.

Q: How far apart are the rungs on the ladder?
A: They're usually about 12 inches to a foot.

Q: What did you do for Johnson & Sons Formal Wear?
A: I was a presser.
Q: Who was your boss there?
A: I forget his name. He's the owner.
MR. SMITH: Johnson.
A: Yeah. It's a father-and-son operation.

Q: You don't have any intention of dismissing Jane Smith anytime soon, do
A: No. Sometimes I wish I could eat her, and other times you want to hug
her up and kiss her nose.

A: Mr. Jones and I had had a disagreement, the exact nature of which I
don't remember, but it was over some aspect of my work that he wanted me to
perform in a manner different than, I guess, I was performing it. And Mr.
Jones's -- excuse my language coming up -- Mr. Jones said, "If you fuck
with me, I'll kill you."
Q: When he said, "If you fuck with me, I'll kill you," how did you
interpret that?

Q: Has anybody else ever threatened to kill you?
A: No. Somebody put a gun to my neck once, but I don't think he threatened
to use it.
Q: Was that in an employment contact or not?
A: No. It was a social contact.

Q: Is there a difference between a reconditioned and rebuilt piece of
equipment in your mind, if you have one?

Q: So the first thing that you heard was the one that you overheard with
Mr. Jones stating that he didn't want any women in his department. And then
second time when you were in this exact conversation would have been after
the first time?

Q: Have you tried any type of rehabilitation or work retraining?
A: No. No, sir.
Q: Why not?
A: Because I ain't too bright.

Q: And, Doctor, are you a member of the profession? Correct?
A: What profession?
Q: The medical profession.
A: Oh, yes, sir.
Q: And what profession are you a member of?
A: The medical profession.

Q: I would like you to turn to the next page, dated June 9, 1993.
A: Yes.
Q: Do you recall this incident occurring?
A: Yes. The night before that I had eaten at Beachcomber's Restaurant. And
I had crab. And I had vomited in the --
Q: I assure you on this question a simple "Yes" or "No" will do.

Q: Anything else you like to do a lot?
A: Look out the window.
Q: Have you got a good view?
A: No.
Q: You just like to look out there?
A: Yeah.
Q: What can you see from your window?
A: The apartments in front of us.
Q: I guess there's usually a lot of activity out there.
A: Not no more.
Q: How come?
A: The drug dealer moved away.

Q: Okay. Did it become a shouting match at any time?
A: Uh-huh.
Q: It did?
A: A big one.
Q: And what was the net result?
A: I left, was the result. I left. I basically told him that I didn't care
how big his dick was.
Q: How did that comment come up?
A: It just came out.
Q: Okay. Why did you make that comment? Does he talk about, you know, his
penis a lot?
A: Yeah, he always talks about his penis. He thinks it's the greatest thing
that ever walked on earth.

Q: And what was the reason given to you for the fact you were let go?
A: The reason given to me was garnishing a knife and arguing with the

Q: Is the south boundary of the north half of the southeast quarter of the
northwest quarter the same line as the north boundary of the south half of
the southeast quarter of the northwest quarter?

Q: Do you currently have normal bowel movements?
A: No.
Q: In what way have they changed?
A: I have a lot more gas that I -- I fart a lot more; and when I do,
they're much stronger than the normal person. Isn't that true, Jane? I know
it's not funny, but it's true.

More Web Tina

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  430. [page] Acme
  431. [page] Actmovie
  432. [page] Adamcat
  433. [page] Adameve2
  434. [page] Adameve3
  435. [page] Addvi
  436. [page] Alares
  437. [page] Alcoholwarning
  438. [page] Amish
  439. [page] Anagrams
  440. [page] Astrolog
  441. [page] Aussiewild
  442. [page] Autopun
  443. [page] Awol
  444. [page] Bambigun
  445. [page] Baywatch
  446. [page] Bcube
  447. [page] Beforecomp
  448. [page] Bgbruss
  449. [page] Billbeast
  450. [page] Bingo
  451. [page] Bisbrain
  452. [page] Breadkills
  453. [page] Breastmilk
  454. [page] Budfrog
  455. [page] Buypaint
  456. [page] Califdiary
  457. [page] Catail
  458. [page] Catclaw
  459. [page] Catconverter
  460. [page] Catdiet
  461. [page] Cathaiku
  462. [page] Cathat
  463. [page] Catmeals
  464. [page] Catrule2
  465. [page] Cbooks
  466. [page] Celdeath
  467. [page] Chachi
  468. [page] Child80s
  469. [page] Childcom
  470. [page] Cigar
  471. [page] Circusduck
  472. [page] Comphaiku
  473. [page] Compjarg
  474. [page] Compmf
  475. [page] Compxmas
  476. [page] Corpapes
  477. [page] Corpmemo
  478. [page] Countries
  479. [page] Cperil
  480. [page] Cutekids
  481. [page] Dam
  482. [page] Darwin97
  483. [page] Deadmail
  484. [page] Decoy
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  486. [page] Disappoint
  487. [page] Divinecomp
  488. [page] Dnapers
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  490. [page] Dogbreeds
  491. [page] Dogjob
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  493. [page] Drnotes
  494. [page] Dummies
  495. [page] Earache
  496. [page] Engmanagers
  497. [page] Enlarge
  498. [page] Excuses
  499. [page] Femkinds
  500. [page] Firm
  501. [page] Fromnj
  502. [page] Fromnj2
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  504. [page] Gaydisc
  505. [page] Geekcar
  506. [page] Geektheo
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  508. [page] Genderwork
  509. [page] Gengreet
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  513. [page] Godskids
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  515. [page] Greekgifts
  516. [page] Grill
  517. [page] Gullible
  518. [page] Gutfart
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  520. [page] Harleywomen
  521. [page] Heshe
  522. [page] Hist2
  523. [page] Homeontheweb
  524. [page] Horsechick
  525. [page] Hotelphone
  526. [page] Howinst
  527. [page] Idiotcontra
  528. [page] Idiotlabel
  529. [page] Ielinux
  530. [page] Ievirus
  531. [page] Induhvid
  532. [page] Installsoftware
  533. [page] Interlight
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  536. [page] Jesussaves
  537. [page] Jmoore
  538. [page] Ken
  539. [page] Kenbarb
  540. [page] Kidslearn
  541. [page] Kingleer
  542. [page] Klingonprog
  543. [page] Latin
  544. [page] Laundryday
  545. [page] Lblawyer
  546. [page] Leprosy
  547. [page] Letterd
  548. [page] Lovecake
  549. [page] Macdevil
  550. [page] Maketenure
  551. [page] Makingcakes
  552. [page] Manfriend
  553. [page] Marypopp
  554. [page] Mathschool
  555. [page] Mcdonnell
  556. [page] Medmemo
  557. [page] Mentrans
  558. [page] Menway
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  560. [page] Miass
  561. [page] Microcoke
  562. [page] Microwait
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  565. [page] Movesouth
  566. [page] Movielessons
  567. [page] Mstvdin
  568. [page] Nerdseas
  569. [page] Nightstand
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  571. [page] Numbeast
  572. [page] Nymag
  573. [page] Octopus
  574. [page] Oschicken
  575. [page] Palmer
  576. [page] Pants
  577. [page] Pardef
  578. [page] Parrots
  579. [page] Pattiwhack
  580. [page] Pc12days
  581. [page] Pcunix
  582. [page] Perfcpl
  583. [page] Phead
  584. [page] Philly
  585. [page] Popfresh
  586. [page] Prayer
  587. [page] Prayers
  588. [page] Prisonwork
  589. [page] Progevol
  590. [page] Projman
  591. [page] Punsigns
  592. [page] Pupil
  593. [page] Qmodo
  594. [page] Queenflight
  595. [page] Rabhunt
  596. [page] Rapsong
  597. [page] Reaganair
  598. [page] Reclett
  599. [page] Redjedi
  600. [page] Relgolf
  601. [page] Remember
  602. [page] Resume
  603. [page] Richbill
  604. [page] Rphrases
  605. [page] Samstarwars
  606. [page] Santatoday
  607. [page] Santawoman
  608. [page] Scot
  609. [page] Secure
  610. [page] Shakeins
  611. [page] Slkbooks
  612. [page] Slogans
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  619. [page] Statemottoes
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  621. [page] Strayrules
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  623. [page] Tamagot
  624. [page] Techcalls
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  626. [page] Tennec
  627. [page] Texas
  628. [page] Thebet
  629. [page] Travagt
  630. [page] Treklife
  631. [page] Truestupidity
  632. [page] Twister
  633. [page] Unigrade
  634. [page] Userology
  635. [page] Vagday
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  637. [page] Vday
  638. [page] Wbread
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  640. [page] Whotrek
  641. [page] Win2bit
  642. [page] Win98liner
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  644. [page] Wiscapp
  645. [page] Womdict
  646. [page] Womworld
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  649. [page] Xmaslegal
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  652. [page] Y2kgilligan