Dynamic Deity Management Ltd.
Date :- 3rd May 0023
Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers).
13a Sandy Wasteland Square,
Just Next to the Pizza Hut,
It is Mr. Christ's understanding that you are planning to write and publish
a biography of him in the near future. Such a biography would, he is sure
you would realise, be entirely unauthorised and if it were published in the
form you suggest he would be forced to take the matter up with the highest
However he can fully understand your wish to write about his life and will
sanction such a project a number of conditions:
1) That the title of the book be 'The Holy Bible' and not as you
propose, 'Hot and Salty - Our Sexy Savior's Saucy Story'.
2) That you do not mention the name of his natural Father (Elvin
Roxenby-Toke) who, for legal reasons, contests paternity. He
suggest you utilise the 'virgin birth' scenario. Mr. Christ
realises that this is entirely ludicrous but suggests that no-
one ever went bust underestimating the credibility off the
average religious zealot.
3) That all references to the incident involving the members of
members of the Bethlehem Boys Club, olive oil and a wooden spoon
to be exised forthwith.
4) That the death scene to be 'pepped up' as it were. The actual
circumstances that you mention are simply not dramatic enough. An
accident with a wine jar and a stray fish just does not have the
theatrical impact of say, a crucifixion with the full atmospheric
effects of a large cast.
5) That the book not to be dedicated, as it is at the moment, to
'My dearest Wooly-Boo with all my love squiggles.'
6) That a fictional character, possibly a twelfth disciple, be
introduced to give him away to the authorities. The reality of
the case, that he was shopped by his Mother and done for indecent
exposure, should on no account be discussed.
7) And the so called 'Parable of the Leather Undergarment' be
removed or at least modified.
As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason why you
should not write and publish your proposed biography although he doesn't
see it as a success himself. He informs me that he enjoyed your previous
books, especially 'Murderburger Hell-High' and 'Slutslaughter - Slashin'
the Winded'. Your suggested biography of him appears to be in the same vein
and it is for this reason that he must reject your offer of a profit
sharing scheme in return for his appearing to promote the book. In any case
Mr. Christ is at the moment fully occupied with his promotion for 'Shake
Adam G Smith.
pp Jesus H Christ.