Baked Beans


Once upon a time there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them but they had a very embarrassing and somewhat odorous reaction to them. Then on day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She is such a sweet and gentile girl; she will never go for this kind of carrying on," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beans. They were married shortly thereafter.

Some months later his car broke down on the way home from work. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late since he had to walk home. On the way home he passed a small cafe, and the odor of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured that he would work off any ill-effects before he got home. He stopped at the cafe, and before leaving he had eaten 3 large orders of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted, and after arriving, felt reasonably safe that he had putted his last.

His wife seemed somewhat excited to see him and explained delightedly, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of that dinner table. She seated him, and just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned, then went to answer the phone. He seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to the other leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air about him. Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on, so he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This one was a true prize-winner. While keeping his ear to the conversation in the hall, he went on like this for 10 minutes until he discerned the phone farewell, which indicated the end of his loneliness and freedom. He placed the napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly to himself, he was the picture of innocence. When his wife returned, after apologizing for taking so long, he asked if he had peeked, and he assured her he had not. At this point she removed the blindfold and there was to his surprise twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a birthday party.

Seth Croston Barber <>
Last modified: Wed Oct 06 13:29:35 PDT 1999

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