TIME Magazine's "100 Worst Ideas of the Century"
    as appeared in their 6/14/99 issue

    As a planet, we have celebrated almost every aspect of the 20th century. But let's face it, it wasn't all good. The past 100 years have seen plenty of dud inventions, foolish decisions and hugely embarrassing mistakes. Here's a list, not in any particular order, of 100 really bad calls. Wonderful thing, hindsight.

    Leisure suits
    Michael Jackson's Marriage to Lisa Marie Presley
    New Math
    The Blacklist
    Comeback Tours
    The Designated-Hitter Rule
    Crystal Pepsi
    New Coke
    Woody Allen, Paterfamilias
    Sailing the Exxon Valdez into Prince William Sound
    The Eight-Track Tape
    The Treaty of Versailles
    Chain E-Mail
    Hydrogen-Filled Blimps
    Staffing the White House with Interns During the Government Shutdown
    Hair Club for Men
    Bush's Choice of Quayle
    Promoting Kim Philby
    Message T Shirts
    Spray-on Hair
    The Spruce Goose
    Theme Restaurants
    Letting Oliver North Near a Shredder
    Not Bombing the Fuel Tanks at Pearl Harbor
    Hooked on Classics
    Introducing Kudzu to the U.S.
    Novelizations of Movies
    The Ugandan Space Program
    "Mr. Simpson, Step Forward and Try on the Glove"
    Rocky 5
    Aerosol Cheese
    Attacking Israel on Yom Kippur
    Shoe-Store X Rays
    Geraldo's Opening of Capone's Vault
    The Independent- Counsel Statute
    Psychic Hotlines
    Cold Fusion
    The Maginot Line
    George Lazenby As James Bond
    The Hitler Diaries
    Tie-Breaker Shoot-outs in Soccer's World Cup
    Daryl Hall's Solo Career
    The DeLorean
    Biosphere 2
    Spandex in Plus Sizes
    Milli Vanilli's Grammy
    The Apple Lisa
    Rod McKuen's Poetry
    The Jerry Springer Show
    Installing a Recording System in the Oval Office
    Mohawk Hairstyles
    Fast Food
    The Titanic
    Dalkon Shield
    Driftnet Fishing
    The Red Sox's Selling Babe Ruth to the Yankees
    Jet Ski
    Watches That Beep
    Vinyl Siding
    Gone With the Wind Sequels
    Prestige Area Codes
    The Stiletto Heel
    Laugh Tracks
    MacArthur's Defying Truman
    Strip Malls
    Michael Jordan, Outfielder
    IBM's PC Junior
    Swine-Flu Vaccine
    The U.S. Metric Campaign
    Ponzi Schemes
    Choosing VHS over Beta
    Heaven's Gate
    Mood Rings
    Breast Implants
    Earth Shoes
    Radium Cures
    Thong Underwear for Men
    The Paperless Office
    Susan B. Anthony Dollar
    The Russians' Diverting the Tributaries of the Aral Sea
    The Edsel
    That Teensy Programming Decision That Led to the Y2K Bug


    On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
    A lone nut by the name of Lee

    On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
    2 Mafia thugs
    and a lone nut by the name of Lee

    On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
    3 federal agents
    2 Mafia thugs
    and a lone nut by the name of Lee

    On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
    4 Cuban hitmen
    3 federal agents
    2 Mafia thugs
    and a lone nut by the name of Lee

    On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
    The Dallas P.D.
    4 Cuban hitmen
    3 federal agents
    2 Mafia thugs
    and a lone nut by the name of Lee

    On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
    6 Russian snipers
    the Dallas P.D.
    4 Cuban hitmen
    3 federal agents
    2 Mafia thugs
    and a lone nut by the name of Lee

    On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
    7 Corporations
    6 Russian snipers
    the Dallas P.D.
    4 Cuban hitmen
    3 federal agents
    2 Mafia thugs
    and a lone nut by the name of Lee

    On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
    8 right wing loonies
    7 corporations
    6 Russian snipers
    the Dallas P.D.
    4 Cuban hitmen
    3 federal agents
    2 Mafia thugs
    and a lone nut by the name of Lee

    On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
    9 postal workers
    8 right wing loonies
    7 corporations
    6 Russian snipers
    the Dallas P.D.
    4 Cuban hitmen
    3 federal agents
    2 Mafia thugs
    and a lone nut by the name of Lee

    On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
    10 Nazi soldiers
    9 postal workers
    8 right wing loonies
    7 corporations
    6 Russian snipers
    the Dallas P.D.
    4 Cuban hitmen
    3 federal agents
    2 Mafia thugs
    and a lone nut by the name of Lee

    On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
    11 ninja masters
    10 Nazi soldiers
    9 postal workers
    8 right wing loonies
    7 corporations
    6 Russian snipers
    the Dallas P.D.
    4 Cuban hitmen
    3 federal agents
    2 Mafia thugs
    and a lone nut by the name of Lee

    On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
    12 space invaders
    11 ninja masters
    10 Nazi soldiers
    9 Postal workers
    8 right wing loonies
    7 corporations
    6 Russian snipers
    the Dallas P.D.
    4 Cuban hitmen
    3 federal agents
    2 Mafia thugs
    and a lone nut by the name of Lee


    1992 Elections

    The Top 10 reasons why Bush should have won again.

    10. Has best selling author in family, his dog.
    9. Much taller than Perot or Clinton.
    8. Quayle will have four more years of being Nintendo Champion
    in the White House game room.
    7. Has plan for Americans to pay less taxes: rent hotel room to use
    as residence in a no state income tax state. (suggest Texas)
    6. Barbara wont have to return George Washington's wig to the Smithsonian.
    5. Not involved in savings and loans scandal like his son.
    4. Read my lips, I wont raise taxes...again.
    3. Qualye can run in '96 to continue consecutive impeccable Republican
    2. Biological father of Murphy Brown's baby.
    1. Winner of Japanese Up-Chuck Contest.

    The top 10 reasons why Bill Clinton won

    10. Better do-nothing-president than Bush or Perot.
    9. Looks older and wiser by bleaching hair. Also, in order not to look
    like Quayle's age.
    8. Only joined all white golf country club for the free umbrellas in
    the drinks.
    7. First Elvis impersonator president.
    6. Ambulance chasing wife would make a better looking First Lady.
    5. The U.S. wont enter any more wars, so he wont have to dodge draft
    again. (even though draft is illegal now)
    4. Good boy scout: helps old ladies cross the street even when they dont
    want to.
    3. Gore will replace Quayle as the country's back-up quarterback.
    2. Eats his Wheaties everyday.
    1. Read my lips, I never inhaled.

    The top 10 reasons why Ross Perot should have won

    10. Wont have to pay Clinton's tax on rich. (especilly for Perot)
    9. Great "problem solver" president. Always solves difficulties by eating
    can of spinach.
    8. Wont quit presidency until after the 2nd year. (he'll come back the 4th)
    7. Save taxpayer's money. Instead of using Air Force One on trips, he'll
    fly over using Dumbo-like ears.
    6. Running mate is a famous personality that is capable of taking over
    the presidency if something happens to Perot.
    5. First president to fire congress.
    4. Lives five blocks from Arkansas and knows that Clinton's experience
    as govenor of a small state is IRRELEVANT for being president of the
    United States. (The govenor of Alaska has about the same experience.)
    3. Use his own money to hire commandoes to kick other countries' ass
    instead of using US soldiers.
    2. Larry King Live would broadcast from the White House more often.
    1. Everyone knows that every munchkin has the powers of the Wizard and
    the Good Witch of the North on their side.


    5759 Rosh Hashanah Reflection

    There were three states of Jewish minds on Monday:

    Those who were upset that the depravity on the news defiled the
    sanctity of such a Holy Day.

    Those upset that they were in the synagogue and had to wait to watch
    the video reruns.

    Those who were thankful that Judaism had allowed us to be in the
    synagogue Monday where we could have a media "eruv."

    NOTE FROM LORI: For those of you who don't remember that year, the first
    day of Rosh Hashanah 5759 (Sept 1998) was the day that Congress released the
    videocassette of Clinton's tesimony before Kenneth Starr's Grand Jury.


    6 Presidents were on a sinking ship.

    • Gerald Ford said, "What do we do?"
    • George Bush said, "Man the lifeboats!"
    • Ronald Reagan said, "Huh? What? Lifeboats?"
    • Jimmy Carter said, "Women and children first."
    • Richard Nixon said, "Screw the women and children."
    • Bill Clinton said, "Do you think we have time?"

    When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

    However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

    Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

    Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

    Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

    Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

    A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

    Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."


    A Day on the Presidential Campaign Trail
    by Joe Lavin

    New York, New York, 7:00 a.m.
    The day begins with the release of the latest Reuters tracking poll, which
    shows that George W. Bush has surged two points since last night to
    take a 47-46 percent lead over Al Gore, with a margin of error of 4 percent.
    "Oh, this is huge. Bush has really taken back the momentum by staying
    on message throughout the night. At this point, it's really his election to
    lose," political analyst Ted Murphy tells the Today show.

    Meanwhile, a new ABC News-Washington Post poll reveals that
    Governor Bush's latest speech contained a margin of error of 67 percent.

    St. Paul, Minnesota, 7:15 a.m.
    At an early morning campaign stop, Al Gore promises to lock up the
    wealthiest one percent of taxpayers in an ironclad lock box that won't be
    opened until the year 2038.

    Orlando, Florida, 8:45 a.m.
    Recent retiree Bob Tildon stops for breakfast at a local Denny's on his
    way to a very busy day. Already named as America's most undecided
    citizen, Tildon is a hot commodity these days. Today alone, he will
    appear in three forums of undecided voters on CNN, MSNBC, and CBS

    Sara Jacobs, a 26-year-old actress, is also on her way to the television
    studio. Jacobs is bubbling over with excitement at the chance to be on
    television, though privately she admits she is not nearly as undecided as
    Tildon. "Sure, I know who I'm voting for," she candidly acknowledges.
    "But I couldn't pass this up. This is great exposure. Actually, most of the
    people on these things are just other actors who want to be on TV," she

    Chicago, Illinois, 10:00 a.m.
    Because he has already appeared on every other talk show in the
    country, George W. Bush appears briefly at a taping of The Jerry
    Springer Show. "I may be a uniter and not a divider," he tells the studio
    audience. "But that guy over there in the pink dress who wants to marry
    his uncle, he's just whacked."

    Orlando, Florida, 11:15 a.m.
    CNN convenes its panel of undecided voters, without Bob Tildon, who
    is still back at Denny's trying to figure out what to order for breakfast.
    "Well, I like pancakes, but I'm just not sure if the time is right for more
    pancakes, you know, and besides deep down I really like bacon and eggs
    just as much," he tells waitress Sally Hensdale. "Oooh, maybe I could
    have waffles," he adds.

    Madison, Wisconsin, 11:45 a.m.
    A Bush commercial airs in Madison, but this is no ordinary political
    commercial. Up until now, the candidates have targeted specific groups
    of voters. Now, for the first time, the Bush campaign targets just one
    voter. "Mildred Thomason, I want your vote, and I need your vote.
    Please vote for me, Mildred. I beg you," Bush says in the spot that airs
    during The Price is Right, Thomason's favorite television program.

    The commercial seems to work. In a phone interview minutes later,
    Thomason says she is deeply flattered and will definitely consider voting
    for Bush, although she adds, "Those flowers Al sent last week were
    awfully nice."

    Chicago, Illinois, 1:00 p.m.
    Not to be outdone on the talk show front, Al Gore also appears with
    Jerry Springer. Minutes later, Gore is rushed to the hospital for seven
    stitches over his right eye, after the studio audience takes his "I will fight
    for you" rhetoric a little too literally.

    New York, New York, 2:00 p.m.
    The latest Reuters tracking poll is released, showing that Gore has
    surged one point in the last six hours to take a 47-46 percent lead over
    Bush, with a margin of error of 4 percent. "Oh, this is huge. Gore has
    really taken back the momentum by staying on message these last six
    hours. At this point, it's really his election to lose," political analyst Ted
    Murphy tells CNN.

    Meanwhile, the Gallup poll of likely voters who experience wild mood
    swings now shows Gore ahead 53-38, a dramatic change from the day
    before when Bush was leading 55-39.

    Madison, Wisconsin, 3:30 p.m.
    In a last minute election gambit, Al Gore announces that his prescription
    drug plan for seniors will now include free drugs for seniors even if they
    don't have a prescription.

    "We need this law," Gore tells voters at a town hall meeting. "Just the
    other day, I was talking with Mildred Thomason. Six months ago, her
    doctor cut her off morphine, claiming that she was addicted. Now, that's
    just not right. Mildred, I want you to know I will fight for you. If elected, I
    will give you your morphine."

    In response, George W. Bush immediately announces his plan to use the
    entire budget surplus to hand out free Viagra to anyone who wants it.

    Los Angeles, California, 4:45 p.m.
    In order not to taint the Gore campaign with his scandal-ridden past,
    President Bill Clinton campaigns for Al Gore from within an ironclad lock
    box. "Mmmmph, mmmmph, mmmmmmph," he tells voters from within the

    Columbia, Missouri, 6:30 p.m.
    In some of the harshest campaign rhetoric yet, Al Gore suggests that
    Bush may not be ready for the White House. "Now, I know I may not be
    the most likeable politician, but at least I'm not an idiot. Let's face it. My
    opponent doesn't even understand half the things I've claimed to have

    Eugene, Oregon, 7:30 p.m.
    Due to call waiting, swing voter Richard Davis becomes the first person
    ever to participate in two polls simultaneously. "Oh, could you hold on a
    sec? I've got CNN on the other line," Davis tells a pollster from Reuters.
    Davis informs CNN that he plans to vote for Bush, but by the time he
    gets back on the phone with Reuters he has changed his mind and plans
    to vote for Gore.

    New York, New York, 8:00 p.m.
    The latest Reuters tracking poll is released, showing that Bush has
    surged one point in the last six hours to take a 47-46 percent lead over
    Gore, with a margin of error of 4 percent. "Oh, this is huge. Bush has
    really taken back the momentum by staying on message these last six
    hours. At this point, it's really his election to lose," political analyst Ted
    Murphy tells the Fox News Channel.

    Meanwhile, a CBS-New York Times poll reveals that 100 percent of
    Americans just wish this election would be over already. There is no
    margin of error.


    A Look Ahead: Some Predictions for 1999
    by Joe Lavin

    January 1999

    In the House of Representatives, impeachment proceedings begin
    against Vice President Al Gore. The fact that Gore is not actually
    President and that the House Judiciary Committee hasn't yet come up
    with a crime to charge him with is viewed as only a minor technicality.
    "These are very grave offenses that Mr. Gore has committed *whatever
    they may be* and it is very important that we investigate them as soon
    as possible." Republican Speaker of the House and third-in-line to the
    Presidency, Denny "Who the hell is he" Hastert says.

    "Plus, this way, if Clinton is thrown out of office, we'll be ready
    to impeach Gore right away." He adds.

    February 1999

    The Senate ends the impeachment trial and allows Clinton to
    remain in office. At the same time, British and American troops
    attack Iraq. "Oops, sorry, we were thinking we'd better attack
    Iraq again just in case we got bad news from the Senate, and
    then when we got the good news we forgot to cancel the attack.
    Sorry. My bad." President Clinton tells the American people in a
    televised speech.

    March 1999

    "Film Only Showing in New York and Los Angeles" wins seven
    Oscars including Best Picture. This touching six hour story about
    a small boy searching for his pet dog Sparky wins in every
    category in which it was nominated, despite being screened at
    only two theaters. Few are surprised at the outcome, as "Film
    Only Showing in New York and Los Angeles" is a hit with
    almost all critics. "Two thumbs up." Siskel and Ebert exclaim.
    "We loved it even though we're in Chicago and couldn't see it."

    Meanwhile, Jerry Springer wins Best Actor for his role in
    "Ringmaster." "I am so happy. This is a vindication of all my life's
    work." Springer says in the acceptance speech he gives from the
    location of his new film, "When Hell Freezes Over."

    April 1999

    In a surprise ruling, the Justice Department loses its anti-trust
    case against Microsoft. U.S. District Judge Thomas Penfield
    Jackson rules that Microsoft must be commended for at least
    trying to allow competition by making products that just about
    everyone hates. "This is a great day for the entire Microsoft
    family." Microsoft founder Bill Gates says in a statement after the
    ruling. "Rest assured, we will continue to make inferior products
    for several years to come."

    May 1999

    Saddam Hussein finally surrenders after a surprise British and
    American attack. "Since when does Clinton attack when he's not
    in the middle of a scandal?" Iraqi U.N. envoy Nizar Hamdoon
    asks. "Until now, we always knew when to expect an invasion,
    but if he's going to attack any time instead of just during
    Presidential crises, how can we possibly prepare for the
    attacks? We have no choice but to surrender."

    June 1999

    In its first day of trading, Cyber Online Industries finishes up an
    astounding 967% to close at 453 1/8. The company, formed
    only a day earlier, breaks all trading records, despite never
    having recorded a profit. "The Internet is a growth industry, and
    Cyber Online will be a leader in that industry for years to come.
    It's a must buy." C. Arthur Jones, Financial Analyst for Merrill
    Lynch, says.

    And exactly what does Cyber Online do? "Beats me. Do I look
    like some sorta computer geek?" Mr. Jones further explains.
    "Nevertheless, the Internet is a growth industry, and Cyber
    Online will be a leader in that industry for years to come. It's a
    must buy."

    July 1999

    Morale in the NBA is at an all time low as the NBA lockout
    enters its second year. "This is my livelihood. If I don't start
    making money soon, how will I pay off the mortgage on my fifth
    mansion?" One depressed player asks. Still, he admits that there
    has been a bright side to the lockout. "At least this year I've
    been able to spend some of my free time with all my illegitimate
    children whose child support I don't pay. That's really made it

    Meanwhile, the Miami Heat pay their new janitor Rusty Miller
    $37.4 million over three years. "Well, heck, I'm just so used to
    giving out big contracts that I couldn't stop myself." Miami Heat
    President Pat Riley admits.

    August 1999

    Princess Diana is still dead. All major television networks
    interrupt their lowest rated programming in order to cover this
    breaking news story.

    September 1999

    Another sex scandal breaks out in Washington when President
    Clinton is discovered having an affair with a porn star. Despite
    the new scandal, Clinton's approval levels hit an all time high.
    Meanwhile, the religious right is shocked when accusations
    surface that Speaker of the House Hastert once thought about
    renting a pornographic video. In the face of such accusations,
    Hastert has no choice but to resign, "Even though I never lied
    under oath about this, I must set the proper example by resigning
    my office." Hastert says in a speech before the House. Clinton's
    approval ratings go higher.

    October 1999

    Amidst several loud screams and the occasional suicide from the
    electorate, the 2000 Presidential campaign begins in earnest.
    Nobody in the country is quite sure who is running because they
    are all too afraid to turn on the news.

    November 1999

    Several prominent lawyers sue the U.S. Government after
    officials announce that the Year 2000 problem may not be as
    bad as previously thought. "Damnit! I was planning to make all
    sorts of money off Y2K lawsuits. It's not fair of them to solve
    everything. Now how will I make a living? God forbid I might be
    forced to do something useful." One angry lawyer complains.

    December 1999

    The good news is that the new millennium arrives without the
    world coming to an end. However, something even worse
    happens instead. Monica Lewinsky gets her very own talk show
    on Fox.


    We may not imagine how our lives could be
    more frustrating and complex- But Congress can.

    -Cullen Hightower


    A Short History of American Politics
    as appeared in TIME 11/16/98

    1) Newt forces the government to shut down

    2) So interns are enlisted to keep things going

    3) So Monica shows Clinton her thong

    4) So Paula Jones subpoenas Monica to talk

    5) So Newt's House moves to impeach

    6) So the Democrats win 5 seats

    7) So Newt resigns ...


    President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.

    "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."

    President Clinton frowned. "Russian roulette's not a friendly, nice game."

    The African leader smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how."

    He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of these women to give you oral sex," he told Clinton.

    This gained Clinton's immediate attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a thought occurred to him. "How on earth is this related to Russian roulette?"

    The African leader said "One of them is a cannibal."


    Good afternoon. I'm Al Gore, and I'd like to tell you about myself. I know a lot about hardship, because I came into this world as a poor black child in a tiny town in the backwoods of Tennessee. I was born in a log cabin that I built with my own hands. I taught myself to read by candlelight and helped support my 16 brothers and sisters by working summers as a deck hand on a Mississippi River steamboat.

    My mother taught me the value of education, so every day; I would walk 5 miles to a one-room schoolhouse. I was a mischievous, fun-loving scamp, though I never dreamed that one-day, my youthful escapades would serve as the inspiration for "Huckleberry Finn".

    Back then, black folks in the South were second-class citizens. One day, a traveling minister came through town, and I asked him if anyone was ever going to do something to guarantee civil rights for all Americans. Well, I guess I made an impression. You see, the minister's name was Martin Luther King, Jr.

    My father was a United States Senator. He once perched me on his knee and said, "Son, if you work hard and listen to your mama, someday you can live in a hotel in Washington, D.C., and go to an exclusive prep school."

    But life of privilege was not for me. After getting my high school diploma, I took a job in a hot, dirty textile mill. I was so appalled at the treatment of the workers there that I organized a union. Later, that experience inspired a movie - which is why, to this day, my close friends at the AFL-CIO call me "Norma Rae".

    When word got out what an 18 year old factory worker had done, Harvard called and offered me a scholarship. I captained the hockey team to four consecutive national championships, but I also played football and was good enough to win the Heisman Trophy. During my college years, I lived in a housing project and moonlighted playing lead guitar for a little rock band. You may have heard of it -- the Rolling Stones.

    But there was a war going on, and I felt I had to serve my country. So I enlisted in the U. S. Army and went to Vietnam. I was deeply opposed to the war, but I did my duty as a soldier and came back home with the Medal of Honor and the Croix de Guerre.

    When I got back, I took a long journey across this great land of ours. I've crossed the deserts bare, man, I've breathed the mountain air, man, I've traveled, I've done my share, man, I've been everywhere. And the people I met at truckstops and campgrounds and homeless shelters on that journey all said the same thing: "Al, we need you in Washington."

    I knew they were right, but first I had to take care of some other business -- building the World Trade Center, founding the Audubon Society, doing the clinical research that proved smoking caused cancer, and coming up with the recipe for Mrs. Field's chocolate chip cookies.

    Finally, I deferred to the demands of the people of Tennessee and allowed them to elect me to the House of Representatives and the Senate, where I established the US Strategic Oil Reserve. And then one winter day nearly nine years ago, for no particular reason, I answered the call of the people once again and took the oath of office as Vice President of the United States.

    Since then, I've been part of the most successful administration in American history. And, in my spare time, I invented the Internet. Many times Bill Clinton has been pondering some grave decision and has asked me what to do. And when I would give him my thoughts, he would invariable say, "Of course. That's brilliant. Why didn't I think of that?" During the darkest days of the impeachment battle, the president told me he only wished he had listened when I told him to stay away from that dark-haired intern.

    So after I decided to run for president, I sat down with him and asked if he had any suggestions about how to conduct my campaign. And Bill Clinton gave me a few simple words of advice -- words I'll never forget. He looked me in the eye and he said, "Al, just tell the truth, it's always worked for me."


    • Al Gore Concession Speech, 1st Draft
      Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight we come to the end of a long road and the start of a new one. Having exhausted all avenues of appeal in the U.S. and Florida, my legal team has filed a claim in the International Court of Justice seeking to overturn the Florida election Crumple crumple crumple
    • Al Gore Concession Speech, 2nd Draft
      Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight, in the spirit of national unity and despite being the undisputed winner of the popular vote crumple crumple crumple
    • Al Gore Concession Speech, 3rd Draft
      Good evening, everyone. Many of you no doubt know what it feels like to get royally shafted. Crumple crumple crumple
    • Al Gore Concession Speech, 4th Draft
      Good evening, my fellow Americans. Although it is the opinion of my attorneys and myself that I do not fit the legal definition of a "loser" crumple crumple crumple
    • Al Gore Concession Speech, 5th Draft
      Good evening, my fellow Americans. Approximately 12 million light years ago, when I was first dispatched to your planet from Zolloid 9 crumple crumple crumple
    • Al Gore Concession Speech, 6th Draft
      My fellow Americans: I can't do this. I just can't do this. Crumple crumple crumple
    • Al Gore Concession Speech, 7th Draft
      Hello, my fellow Americans. It's been a long and difficult month for me and, indeed, for the entire nation. But the time has come for us all to throw our enthusiastic support behind our next president, George W. Bu, BbbBahoo. (laugh) Pardon me. Let me try that again: President George W. Buh, Buh. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, PEOPLE! HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO PUNCH OUT A FREAKING CARDBOARD HOLE IN A BALLOT! MORONS! Crumple crumple crumple
    • Al Gore Concession Speech, 8th Draft
      My fellow Americans, in light of recent unfavorable court decisions, it has come to my understanding that a majority of you want to turn the country over to a recovering alcoholic and functional illiterate. Crumple crumple crumple
    • Al Gore Concession Speech, 9th Draft (folksy approach)
      Good evening, my fellow Americans. You know, when I was young boy frolicking on the zero-gravity ash fields of Zolloid 9, it never occurred to me when I downloaded the human emotion coding sequences. Crumple crumple crumple
    • Al Gore Concession Speech, 10th Draft
      Good evening, my fellow Americans. Have you ever known someone who took something from a store without paying for it? That's called "stealing", and in America stealing is a crime. Crumple crumple crumple
    • Al Gore Concession Speech, 11th Draft
      My fellow Americans, most of you probably know how to count. One. Two. Three. And so on. See? It's not that difficult. (Smile). So can someone please explain to me why the state of Florida... Crumple crumple crumple
    • Al Gore Concession Speech, 12 Draft
      Good evening, everyone. Generally speaking, civil war is never a good thing. But there are times... Ah, forget it.

    Answer to Bush Hitler 1a - Political

    Anti-Iraqi Arsenal

    The Allies Have Decided to Take Action Against Saddam Hussein:

    The Americans are sending 10,000 troops and two aircraft carriers.
    The French are sending 4,000 Legionaries.
    The British are sending 250 teenage au-pairs.


    Application for the White House Internship Program

    Greetings prospective White House interns!

    This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing
    America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the
    "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting
    one yet!

    Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this
    demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:

    * Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political
    scene of the hottest city in the world!

    * Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!

    * See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!

    * Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!

    Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from
    a former intern:

    "I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering
    phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. ...
    Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic."
    - M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.

    As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours,
    hot debates and touchy national issues.

    Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to
    the White House at president@whitehouse.gov

    Sex: F__ Age:
    Measurements: (required for medical purposes) How many beers it takes
    to get you...
    ...To lie to a federal prosecutor:

    Quick quiz:

    You've always considered the White House:
    a) a monument to democracy
    b) the place where great leaders meet
    c) vaguely erotic
    d) extremely erotic

    Hillary Clinton is a(n):
    a) model wife and mother
    b) icon of late 20th century femininity
    c) an obstacle
    d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world

    You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
    a) MidEast policies
    b) childhood in Hope, Ark
    c) romper room
    d) "monument to democracy"

    My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
    a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
    b) reading, study
    c) late nights working at the White House
    d) late nights working the White House

    Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d.
    Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call

    Uncle Sam (and Uncle Bill) wants you.

    *Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might
    be interested in this program. The White House is an equal
    opportunity abuser.


    As I Was Saying ...
    by Leon Schwarzbaum

    As I was saying to Pat Buchanan, it's not the Jews who are ruining this
    country, it's the people who don't think the Jews should be rounded up and
    put into work camps.

    As I was saying to Yassir Arafat, as long as he talks about Jihad in Arabic,
    it doesn't count when tallying up anti-Israel activity.

    As I was saying to Pat Robertson, not believing Jesus is the Messiah is such
    a mortal sin there should be no ban on killing those who don't.

    As I was saying to Jerry Falwell, any choir with full-breasted sopranos who
    wear low-cut vee-neck blouses is OK with me.

    As I was saying to George W. Bush, it serves his brother right for marrying
    a Puerto Rican. No wonder Jeb can't buy a nice condo in Florida. George
    asked,"Jeb who?"

    As I was saying to Avi Weiss, another cross, more or less, isn't going to
    make the Poles less anti-Semitic, so get 'em all knocked down.

    As I was saying to Mendele, the matchmaker, the girl he wants me to meet is
    a polyandrist. She says she'll marry me but I'll have to lay Tfillin.

    As I was saying to the rabbi of a new shul in Florida, he's lucky to be
    starting a new congregation, because every new member will claim to be a
    Kohan, former president of his shul up North and unable to contribute
    because he's still paying off the UJA pledge he made in Teaneck, NJ in 1967.


    The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

    President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."

    The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."

    President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future...."


    Bibi Light Bulb Joke

    Q: How many Netanyahus does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: Irrelevant. He only screws the state of Israel.


    A number of people were asked if they would ever have sex with bill clinton this is what they said
    1% said yes
    3% said no
    95% said never again


    After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

    "'Tis I, your lordship, President Bill Clinton."

    "And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.

    "Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

    "Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"

    Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana-but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extramarital sex-but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have sexual relations. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

    After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold


    • Spend more quality time with Chelsea and her 13 half brothers and sisters.
    • Tour the nations' prisons to improve conditions, visit friends.
    • Write book: "The American Presidency: An Oral History."
    • Buy a Hooter's franchise.
    • Catch up on eight-year stack of "Penthouse."
    • Search for a new outlet for well-developed lying and cheating skills.
    • Continue work counseling interns.
    • Stop using fake names in personal ads.
    • Take little Buddy out three times a day -- also walk the dog.
    • Get to know those Gore girls better.

    I did not do it in a bar
    I did not do it in the dark
    I did not do it in the park
    I did not do it on a date
    I did not ever fornicate
    I did not do it at a dance
    I did not do it in her pants
    I did not get beyond first base
    I did not do it in her face
    I never did it in a bed
    If you think that, you've been misled
    I did not do it with a groan
    I did not do it on the phone
    I did not cause her dress to stain
    I never boinked Suddam Hussein
    I did not do it with a whip
    I never fondled Linda Tripp
    I never acted really silly
    With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
    There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
    I chased her 'round, but could not catch her
    No kinky stuff, not on your life
    I wouldn't even with my wife
    And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes
    Was paid for by my right-wing foes
    And Paula Jones, and those state troopers
    Are just a bunch of party poopers
    I did not ask my friends to lie
    I did not hang them out to dry
    I did not do it last November
    But if I did, I don't remember
    I did not do it in the hall
    I could have, but I don't recall
    I never did it in my study
    I never did it with my dog, Buddy
    I never did it to Sox, the cat
    I might have-once-with Arafat
    I never did it in a hurry
    I never groped Ms Betty Currie
    There was no sex at Arlington
    There was no sex on Air Force One
    I might have copped a little feel
    And then endeavored to conceal
    But never did these things so lewd
    At least, not ever in the nude
    These things to which I have confessed
    They do not count, if we stayed dressed
    It never happened with cigar
    I never dated Mrs. Starr
    I did not know this little sin
    Would be retold on CNN
    I broke some rules my mama taught me
    I tried to hide, but now you've caught me
    But I implore, I do beseech
    Do not condemn, do not impeach
    I might have got a little tail

    Gates Give Coke Some Pointers

    Bill Gates recently compared the OS market with the soft drink market,
    explaining that Microsoft is hanging on for dear life in the
    ultracompetitive OS market while Coke enjoys a real monopoly,
    since they'll be on top forever, but the DOJ doesn't pick on them.
    Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We
    might end up with a scenario like the following:

    Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, i'd like a Big Mac.

    Cashier: Okay, here's your Big Mac and here's your Coke.
    That'll be $3.99.

    J: Uh, i don't want a Coke.

    C: Sorry, they're bundled.

    J: What? I'm not paying for a Coke!

    C: You don't; the Coke is free.

    J: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?

    C: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It's
    got integrated Coke!

    J: I already bought a 7-Up across the street - I'm not going
    to drink the Coke.

    C: Then you can't have the burger.

    J: Okay, fine, i'll pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.

    C: Oh, you can't do that. They're seamlessly integrated. Totally

    J: How can that be? They're two totally seperate things!

    C: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?

    J: Why did you just do that?!?!

    C: It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you'd end up with
    two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you're assured
    of a continuous taste across all your foods.

    J: Aaarrgh!


    Bill vs. Monica in Biblical Times

    Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God
    had had an affair with a former worshipper.

    The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as
    Mary, claimed that she had given birth to G-d's "only son" last
    week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary
    claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was
    constantly talking about her relationship with G-d, and that she
    was "thrilled to have had his child."

    In a press conference this morning, G-d issued a vehement denial,
    saying that "No sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts
    of this story will come out in time, verily."

    Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzubub immediately filed a brief
    with the Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover
    questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and
    whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his
    illegitimate child through three foreign operatives known only as
    the "Wise Men." Beelzubub has issued subpoenas to several angels
    who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.

    Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do
    with the charges that Beelzubub was originally appointed to
    investigate, that G-d had created large-scale flooding in order
    to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months,
    Beelzubub's investigation has already been expanded to cover
    questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued
    God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to
    claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah
    was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the
    giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish
    special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.

    If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge
    blow to G-d's career, much of which has been spent crusading for
    stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.
    Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of
    a series of 10 "Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress
    in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that
    it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and
    lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain"
    Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.


    Bomb Iraq
    Tune: Deck the Halls

    Bomb Iraq with lots of smart bombs
    Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
    If we're lucky we'll get Saddam
    Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
    Don we now our desert flight suits
    Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
    Target practice for new recruits
    Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

    See his castles set before us.
    Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
    Take aim now and join the chorus.
    Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
    It's time to take these strong measures.
    Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
    Bombing them would be our pleasure
    Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

    [Copyright 1997 Ginseng Productions]


    A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart. The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his brain.

    The man insisted, and since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap just the right portions of brain tissue, the operation was planned.

    The laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man's declining IQ on a nice bright LED display. The doctor threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off ... 95, 94, 93, ...

    Suddenly the phone rang. It was the doctor's wife. They gabbed for a few minutes, the doctor forgetting completely about his patient.

    When he hung up, he suddenly realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down ... 6, 5, 4, ...

    He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain. "Holy moley!" exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done? Speak to me. Say anything!"

    The man looked at him and said, "I, George W. Bush, announce my candidacy for President of the United States..."


    Brought to you by the letter
    by Joe Lavin

    Move over Bill. We have a new scandal boy in town. George
    W. Bush may or may not have used cocaine in his life, and that
    is apparently big news in Washington. Now, the fact that
    someone may or may not have done something can set off a
    scandal. Pretty impressive, don't you think? It's insta-scandal.
    No need for proof. Just add rumors and stir.

    For those of you who may have missed it (And what? You're
    not following the presidential election yet? It's less than 15
    months away! What's wrong with you?), the story is essentially
    this: Presidential candidate George W. Bush (or W as he likes to
    be called) refuses to say whether he has ever used cocaine.
    After sticking with his "When I was young and irresponsible, I
    was young and irresponsible" line for months, he finally
    backtracked recently by boasting that he could easily pass all
    background checks given to federal employees. His last word
    on the subject was this: "I could have passed the background
    check and the standards applied on the most stringent conditions
    when my dad was president of the United States -- a 15-year

    Well, leave it to a Bush to answer a question in such a
    convoluted way. You'd think he could answer the question like a
    normal human being, but this was apparently his way of saying
    he hadn't used drugs since at least 1974. It seemed an odd
    response. Call me cynical, but when I'm choosing a President, I
    think I would prefer the candidate who at least has the common
    sense to lie about something like this.

    Most commentators are trying to figure out why Bush is handling
    the questions this way, but I think I might have figured it out.
    Didn't he say that he wanted to make education important in his
    campaign? Maybe this is just his little way of doing it. Whenever
    he is asked about cocaine, perhaps he plans to answer in a way
    that makes us all have to think. This time, he did it with a two-
    part question. All over the country, people had to (a) remember
    that his father became President in 1989 and (b.) subtract 15
    from 1989 in order to realize that in 1974 W may possibly have
    been using cocaine to help him discover his very own thousand
    points of light.

    By the time this is over, I suspect he'll have us tackling more
    difficult questions to figure out when he last could have used
    cocaine. Soon, we will even be able to answer complex math
    questions about his possible cocaine use.

    "A is traveling across a 15 mile lake in a canoe at 3 MPH. If at the seven
    mile mark, A passes W, who is traveling in the opposite direction at 1
    MPH while standing up naked in his canoe smoking a crack pipe, then
    what year is it?"

    Yes, all thanks to the Amazing W, children's test scores will
    jump dramatically. Take that Japan. Americans will be the best
    darned educated people in this here world.

    Obviously, it would be nice if the media could concentrate on
    more substantial issues, but you can hardly blame them. It's not
    as if George W. Bush actually has much substance. Up until
    now, he has been best known for being the rich frontrunner that
    nobody knows anything about. It wasn't his job performance
    that made his early polls numbers so high. It was simply that
    initially many people had him confused with his father.

    As for W's experience, he doesn't actually have much of that either -- just
    four and a half years as Governor of Texas, a state where the legislature
    dominates politics and where apparently the Governor's primary
    responsibility is to reject as many stays of execution as possible. Let's
    face it. Bush is still something of a blank slate, and unfortunately for him
    the cocaine rumors are starting to take up some valuable space on that

    But will Bush's apparent courting of the Republican cocaine
    addict vote really hurt him? Probably not all that much,
    considering the amount of money he has raised and the fact that
    a scandal-weary public seems willing to ignore something that
    might have happened over 25 years ago. True, he looks like a
    hypocrite for his tough stand on drugs, but it doesnt seem like
    all that many people care. And who knows? Maybe this is just
    part of his "big tent" policy of "compassionate conservatism." Is
    there room enough in that tent for both the religious right and
    former cocaine users?

    We'll just have to wait and see, but for his sake I hope he went
    out and bought a really big tent.


    Bush Binoculars - Political

    Bush Bunny - Political

    Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

    Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Bush announced U.S. plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

    "For years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Bush said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The U.S. is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour."

    The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Storm by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

    Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My goodness, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Bush, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please." Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."

    If the initial airlift is successful, Bush said the United States will go ahead with full-scale vowel deployment, with C-130's airdropping thousands more letters over every area of Bosnia. Other nations are expected to pitch in as well, including 10,000 British "A's" and 6,500 Canadian "U's."Japan, rich in A's and O's, was asked to participate, but declined.

    "With these valuable letters, the people of war-ravaged Bosnia will be able to make some terrific new words," Bush said. "It should be very exciting for them, and much easier for us to read their maps."

    Linguists praise the U.S.'s decision to send the vowels. For decades they have struggled with the hard consonants and difficult pronunciation of most Slavic words. "Vowels are crucial to construction of all language," Baylor University linguist Noam Frankel said. "Without them, it would be difficult to utter a single word, much less organize a coherent sentence. Please, just don't get me started on the moon-man languages they use in those Eastern European countries."

    According to Frankel, once the Bosnians have vowels, they will be able to construct such valuable sentences as: "The potatoes are ready" and "I believe it will rain."

    The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the U.S. shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.


    Bush Loses His Watch - Political

    Bush Reading Upside Down - Political

    Bush and Pope - Political

    Early in the morning, Saddam Hussein, calls up
    George Bush and says, "George, I had a wonderful dream
    last night. I dreamed I could see all of America and
    on every large building there was a huge poster, and it
    said 'Allah is God, God is Allah'." "That's such a
    coincidence," says Bush, "because last night I had
    a dream too. I could see all of Baghdad and on every
    large building there, there was also a huge poster."
    "Well what did it say?" asked Hussein. "I don't know,"
    Bush replied, "I don't read Hebrew."


    Bush is the Worst Disaster - Political

    Bush on Vacation in New Orleans - Political

    During the 2000 Campaign, George W. Bush promised a leaner and more cost-efficient military. "I'm pleased to report," the President spoke, "that we have downed the most sophisticated Chinese fighter without spending two million dollars on an air-to-air missile."

    President Bush's "Don't Ask, Just Give 'em Hell" policy is a sharp departure from former President Clinton's focus on moving the Pentagon to San Francisco and painting Navy battleships a bright lavender.

    The President was particularly pleased that it was a 50's era propeller driven plane that took out the Chinese aircraft. "Heck, we bought and paid for that sucker fifty years ago. It didn't cost the American taxpayer a single dime to take out that commie."

    Bush was also pleased his "Ram The Bastard" policy for Navy submarines was a rousing success. "Just think of all of the torpedoes we can save money on!" The President seemed only momentarily flustered when asked if the Navy should, perhaps, target enemies of the United States instead of friendly countries like Japan. "Didn't Japan sink a bunch of our battleships in World War I or II? I'll ask Poppy."

    The President wants to get the Army involved next by sending tanks into Canada. "Moscow's in Canada, right?"


    • "Read My Lips - No New Interns"
    • "Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill's Crap For So Long"
    • "Isn't It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different Clinton?"
    • "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You Can Illegally Contribute To My Campaign"
    • "Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife"
    • "You Give Me A Vote, I'll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A Job"
    • "Still Not Indicted As Of 1999!"
    • "From Perjury To Albany"
    • "Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My Husband Over It"
    • "Oh Lord, Please Don't Make Me Go Back To Arkansas"

    Can You Guess Who?

    Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

    29 have been accused of spousal abuse

    7 have been arrested for fraud

    19 have been accused of writing bad checks

    117 have bankrupted at least two businesses

    3 have been arrested for assault

    71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

    14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

    8 have been arrested for shoplifting

    21 are current defendants in lawsuits

    In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

    Can you guess which organization this is?

    Give up?

    It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of newlaws designed to keep the rest of us in line.


    One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Mom and Dad, I have some great news for you. I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington! He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt."

    After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again.

    A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again, her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea became furious upon hearing what her Dad had to say.

    She decided to go to her Mother and tell her about his numorous infedilities. After Chelsea told her Mom everything, she concluded crying, "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married. Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother."

    Hillary just shook her head and replied, "Don't pay any attention to what he says dear. He's not really your father."


    Chelsea Clinton went off to college and came back home for the holidays. Hillary was quite happy to see her daughter and pressed her for information about college.

    "So, are you enjoying college, dear?" she asked.

    Chelsea nodded vigorously.

    "And are there boys in college?" Hillary questioned.

    Once again, Chelsea nodded with a mischievous gleam in her eyes.

    Hillary, unable to resist and curious about her daughter's activities, went on to ask, "And are you having sex with these boys?"

    Chelsea burst out laughing. After a moment, she straightened, stared into her mother's eyes, and said, "Not according to Dad."


    Attorney General John Ashcroft is visiting an elementary school.
    After the typical civics presentation, he announces: "Alright, boys
    and girls, you can all ask me questions now."

    A young boy named Bobby raises his hand and says: "I have three

    1. How did Bush steal the Florida election from Gore?

    2. Why are you using the US Patriot Act to undermine our civil

    3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden or Saddam & Sons yet?"

    Just then the bell sounds and all the kids run out to the playground.

    Fifteen minutes later, the kids come back in class and again.
    Ashcroft says, "I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you
    can all ask me questions."

    A young girl raises her hand and says: "I have five questions:

    1. How did Bush steal the Florida election from Gore?

    2. Why are you using the US Patriot Act to undermine our civil

    3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden or Saddam & Sons yet?"

    4. Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early?

    5. Where's Bobby?"


    You remember the story about Lincoln and Kennedy and all the coincidences of their lives? Well, let's compare Clinton with the Titanic:

    • TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
      CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
    • TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
      CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
    • TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
      CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
    • TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.
      CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.
    • TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
      CLlNTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.
    • TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
      CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.
    • TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
      CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.
    • TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
      CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.
    • TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
      CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
    • TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.
      CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70%.
    • TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
      CLINTON VIDEO: Monica... uh, never mind.
    • TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
      CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary.

    Clinton Economic Axioms

    Taxing smoking will reduce smoking.
    Taxing alcohol will reduce drinking.
    Taxing energy will reduce energy consumption.
    Taxing business will increase business.
    Taxing health care will increase health care.
    Taxing productivity will increase productivity.
    Restricting trade will increase trade.


    • Q: What's the working title of Bob Woodward's new book?
      A: "All the President's Semen"
    • Q: What's the difference between Zippergate and Watergate?
      A: This time we know who Deep Throat is.
    • Q: Have you heard the latest poll? 10,000 American women were asked if they'd sleep with President Clinton...
      A: And 80% said, "not AGAIN!"

    • Q: Why did Monica Lewinsky go to the White House General Store?
      A: To buy some Presidential Kneepads.
    • Q: Have you seen the newest Washington souvenir?
      A: It's a T-shirt that says "I blew the president, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!"
    • Q: Why did Clinton meet Lewinsky in the Oval office?
      A: It was so she could debrief him.
    • They're playing a new game at the White House: Swallow the leader.

    • Q: What's the difference between the Titanic and President Clinton?
      A: Only 1,500 people went down on the Titanic.
    • Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
      A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.
    • Clinton didn't tell Monica Lewinsky not to lie in deposition...
      He told her not to lie in that position.
    • Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
      A: When Hillary is out of town.
    • Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
      A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

    • President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.

      "What is it?" exclaims the President.

      "It's this Abortion Bill Mr. President," the aide replies. "What do you want to do about it...?"

      "Just go ahead and pay it," responds the President.

    • Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
      A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
    • Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
      A: He wants to be on top.
    • Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
      A: He married her.
    • Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite?
      A: It Takes A Village!
    • Q: What was Yasser Arafat's advice to Bill Clinton?
      A: Goats don't talk.
    • Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
      A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.
    • Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
      A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.
    • Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
      A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
    • Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes HE did?
      A: A dead girlfriend.
    • Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
      A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

    Clinton [Pre-Monicagate] Speech Translator
    by Terry Peres

    Some key definitions to help decode Clinton's speeches. More will be added
    as the president's meaning becomes clear. Remember, do not attach
    meaning to words, it's symbolism that is important.

    all - Clinton's constituency. as: We ALL must make sacrifices
    to restore America's economic health.

    ask - Clintoneze for legislate. i.e. asking:legislating

    campaign - actually, this is a misspelling. It really is champagne

    promise promise.

    change - (verb) redefinition of the term "tax cut" to its true
    meaning, "contribution". (noun) that portion of your
    income that will now be heading to Washington, as:
    The CHANGE we are asking for is necessary if we are to
    restore America's (and, uh, Washington's) economy to number
    one in the world.

    contribution - that portion of your "excess" income that Washington
    believes it can make better use of than you. This
    '90s term is designed to make you feel good while
    Uncle Sam picks your pocket.
    Formerly known unpopularly as "taxes" (shhh. don't say the T
    word out loud, it's not politically correct).

    courage - ability to perform a humanitarian act or deed without regard
    to personal safety or welfare. as: America had the COURAGE
    to elect Bill Clinton as president.

    first lady - this term has been replaced by the title "co-president"

    middle class - that portion of society whose range of income extends from
    the end of the poor to the beginning of the wealthy.
    Also known as the mule class or the "burdened" class.

    poor - what the middle class becomes after it makes
    its contribution.

    sacrifice - Clintoneze for the act of denying self in order to
    make your contribution. as: We must SACRIFICE for
    the good of all.
    Formerly known as socialism, it has proven itself
    effective in places such as China, Cuba, Rumania and
    the Soviet Union. One need only talk to citizens
    of these nations to see the effect.

    spending cuts- What the president promised during his campaign. He will
    help you make these by asking you to have the courage to make
    your contribution. as: Increased contributions must be
    balanced by the appropriate SPENDING CUTS.

    we - You, me, us, them. as: You know WE must sacrifice for
    the good of all.
    Since the president and congress are none of the above,
    they are not part of we.

    wealthy - anyone making $1.00 a year more than you.
    (elected officials are exempt).
    This is the class of society that, to quote Commerce
    Secretary, Ron Brown, "made out like bandits during the
    '80's". Mr. Brown didn't do too shabby himself during that
    time. He made hundreds of thousands annually lobbying
    congress on behalf of several major Japanese corporations.
    Of course now he is just a humble "servant" of the people.


    Bill Clinton Statue Committee
    1040 Waffle Street
    Little Rock, Arkansas 72208

    Dear Friend;

    We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for the raising
    of $5,000,000.00 for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame
    in Washington, D.C.

    This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was
    not wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never
    told a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since
    Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.

    We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest
    democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know
    where he was, and returned not knowing where he had been. And he did it
    all on borrowed money.

    Over 3,000 years ago Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your
    shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised
    land." Nearly 3,000 years later Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels,
    sit on your asses and light up a camel - this is the promised land."

    Now, Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise
    the price of camels and mortgage the promised land. If you are one of the
    fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a
    very generous contribution to the worthwhile project.


    Bill Clinton Statue Committee

    P.S. It is said that BIll Clinton is considering changing the Democratic
    Party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for
    inflation, halts productivity, covers up a bunch of pricks, and it
    gives a false sense of security.


    Clinton Tragedio Americano
    (Program notes translated by Rodgers Wood)

    Cast of Characters
    Bill Clinton, tenor - philandering President of the United States
    Hilary Rodham Clinton, soprano - his long-suffering wife
    Monica Lewinsky, soprano - a conniving little White House intern
    Ken Starr, basso - puritanical special prosecutor
    Henry Hyde, basso - a true believer congressman
    Linda Tripp, contralto - double-crossing friend of Monica's
    Paula Jones, contralto - a wild woman from Arkansas
    Sam Donaldson, baritone - a television news reporter

    The Basso Cabal
    Richard Mellon Scaife - radical right-wing newspaper publisher
    Newt Gingrich - a foot-in-mouth specialist
    Pat Robertson - fundamentalist minister
    Bill McCollum - another true believer congressman
    Tom DeLay - a third true believer Congressman
    Trent Lott - Senate Majority leader

    The Media Chorus
    The Chorus of Lawyers

    Act I

    Bill Clinton has been elected President of the United States by an
    overwhelming margin. The Republicans are angry and are trying to
    regain power.

    As the curtain rises, the Basso Cabal is meeting with Ken Starr with
    the object of finding a way to remove Bill Clinton from the

    The opening chorale "We Must Find a Way" (Creato Grandissimo
    Flooza Scandala) is sung as a sextet. In an impressive recitative,
    Scaife sings "Where Will We Find a Helper?" (Dredgi Uppa Un
    Grande Bimbo).
    The six exit.

    Paula Jones enters stage right, holding a mirror, and begins singing
    the plaintive, "Why Can't I Find a Man?" (Mi Schnozze Es Humongo).

    Tom Delay and Newt Gingrich enter from stage left. They see Paula
    and sing the duet, "Why Not Her?" (La Flooza Perfecto). They meet
    and invite Paula to a small cafe where they hatch their plot in hushed

    Paula tells them of her meeting with Clinton in a hotel years earlier
    and how her fortunes have collapsed since then. Delay and Gingrich
    offer to help. They sing the aria "Your Luck Has Changed" (Nose
    Jobbo e Molto Rewardo).

    Act II

    The Cabal reconvenes with the news of Paula's revelations. They sing
    in jubilation, "We Must Tell the World" (Phono E Tabloido). The rear
    curtain raises to reveal the Chorus of Media who sing the chorale,
    "Tell Us More, But Only the Truth" (Sexua Scandala Hypo Per

    Gingrich enters with Pat Robertson. They sing the duet "He Must Go"
    (Hypocritti Pious Crappola). Robertson offers to donate time on his
    television program to expose the charges. At the Cabal's suggestion,
    Paula initiates a lawsuit.

    The Jones scandal becomes the topic of conversation throughout the

    The Chorus of Lawyers enters from the right to sing the jubilant
    grand chorale, "We Must Do Our Duty" (Multi, Multi Grande Moola).
    Ken Starr meets with the Basso Cabal to plan the next steps. They
    sing the aria, "We Will Save the Country" (Sleazi Connivo). Starr
    promises to convene a grand jury which will send charges to the
    Congress. He sings "The Truth Will Be Known" (Whitewater Non
    Starto, Probo La Flooza Epidemico). The Chorus of Lawyers sings a
    reprise of "We Must Do Our Duty" as the act ends.

    Act III

    Linda Tripp enters the stage arm in arm with Ken Starr. She is
    wearing a headset. She is singing "Monica Is My Dearest Friend" (Mi
    Es La WickedoWitchini Occidenta). She tells Starr about the secret
    tapes that she has made of conversations with Monica Lewinsky.

    Starr takes them from her and sings, "We've Got Him Now"
    (Presidente Droppo Pantalone).

    Starr hurries off to the Grand Jury to call Monica as a witness.
    Monica enters the grand jury room where the Chorus of Lawyers
    ask her questions. They sing the recitative, "How did it happen?"
    (Panti Thongo, La Flasha?). Monica replies in the long passionate
    "We Were Meant For Each Other" (Non Smoko El Producto, Phalli

    In the third scene, Hilary and Bill are sitting in the Lincoln Bedroom
    discussing the revelations about Monica. Hilary sings, "I Will Stand
    By You" (Su Jerchino Estupido, Mi Removo Su Equipmento). Bill
    replies with "She Was the Only One" (Non Counti Gennifer, Paula,
    Plusi Multi Bimbo Forgetto). They embrace.

    Act IV

    Sam Donaldson is interviewing Henry Hyde in the Capitol Building. The
    Chorus of Lawyers hum in the background. Hyde sings the aria, "We
    Believe in Something" (Impeacho Hippi Bastardo). Donaldson sings a
    recitative in answer, "We Only Want the Truth" (Toupee Eslippo).

    The great trial begins in the Senate. Trent Lott reacts to public
    opinion polls showing that the president has 76% approval ratings. He
    sings the poignant aria, "What is Right is Not Popular" (Parta
    Republico Committi Suicidio). The Chorus of Lawyers sings the
    chorale, "Principles Come First" (Mi Adulteri Non Counto). With great
    flourish, Henry Hyde, Bill McCollum and Tom Delay stand before the
    Senate to present their case. They sing the somber trio, "How Can
    You Not Convict? (Evidensi Multi Flimsioso).

    Finally in a moving chorale, the Chorus of Lawyers sings "For the
    Good of the Nation, We Must Acquit" (Senatori Non Stupido). After
    the vote is announced, Henry Hyde, Tom Delay, Trent Lott and Bill
    McCollum leave the Senate Chamber singing the grand quartet "We
    Still Know the Truth" (Wasto Multi Millioni) as the act ends.


    The president sings the contrite aria, "I Am Very Sorry" (Revengo
    Futurini) as the Chorus of Media circles him shouting their questions.
    They sing, "Who Will Now Believe Us?" (Publico Disgusto Con Medio).

    Monica Lewinski crosses the stage with her new literary agent, Ken

    They sing, "It is Still Not Over" (Publishe Grande Bookino, Getti
    Richino) as the curtain falls.

    Ron McCullochio (Ecolinto XCCVIV penso)


  1. Major Scandal during their presidency...
    • Nixon: Watergate
      Clinton: Waterbed

  2. The President's biggest fear...
    • Nixon: The Cold War
      Clinton: The Cold Sore

  3. Complaints toward the President...
    • Nixon: Carpet-Bombing
      Clinton: Carpet-Burns

  4. Their Vice-Presidents...
    • Nixon: His was Greek
      Clinton: His is a Geek.

  5. Presidential qualities...
    • Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger.
      Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her.

  6. Things the President couldn't explain....
    • Nixon: The missing 18-minutes on the tapes
      Clinton: The 36D bra in his briefcase

  7. Presidential Nicknames....
    • Nixon: Tricky Dick
      Clinton: Slick Willy

  8. Presidential excuses....
    • Nixon: I am not a crook
      Clinton: I didn't get in her nook

    A Bill Clinton Christmas
    by Christopher M. Mislow

    'Twas late Christmas eve, and throughout the White House
    All slumbered but Socks (who was chewing a mouse)
    When all of a sudden a thunderous roar
    Rattled the East Wing from rafter to floor.
    Unsure if the noise was just gas or artillery,
    Bill Clinton took action: he deputized Hillary.
    In her robe and her slippers, she trudged to the source
    Of the noise and saw nothing, but then heard a coarse
    Texas twang from the fireplace clamor
    "Down here! Are y'all just as blind as those tinhorn reindeer?"

    There, on the hearth, 'midst the timber and tinder,
    Sat H. Ross Perot, all covered wit cinder.
    "Your flue," he complained, "is disgusting with soot.
    You gave far too many staff members the foot.
    Cutting budgets is wonderful; better is cheaper.
    But you need either Zoe's or Kimba's housekeeper.
    From ashes that thick, someone's breathing might fail.
    Thank goodness, like Bill, that I didn't inhale."

    santa5.gif - 6.96 K "Why, Ross," replied Hillary, "pray tell what is it
    To which Bill and I owe this Christmas Eve visit?
    You're certainly welcome to use the front door.
    Did you come down the chimney to hide from Al Gore?"

    Shaking the layer of ash from his head,
    Ross brushed his flattop, glowered and said:
    "No, Ma'am. I'm a shareholder in Santa Claus, Inc.,
    Whose dividends recently started to sink.
    When I finally cornered old Santa himself,
    He offered to hire me on as an elf!

    So I planned my attack, set my financing snares,
    Then bought all the company's outstanding shares.
    Christmas trees won't be all that get trimmed from now on;
    The era of deficit budgets is gone.
    The business is gonna be run right because
    All day, every day, now I am Santa Claus."

    From his inside coat pocket Ross whipped out a chart
    And a pointer he brandished with well-practiced art.
    "Now, you look at this. You see this here graph?
    The way Santa's workshop was run is a laugh.
    Those North Pole utility bills are a joke,
    And the union-scale wages will soon have us broke.
    We need much, much cheaper electrical power,
    And elves who don't make fifteen dollars an hour."
    For dramatic effectiveness, Ross took a pause,
    Then resumed his debut as the new Santa Claus.

    "Each new day brings another environment rule.
    Recycling toys is a pain in the Yule!
    The slogan 'keep the North Pole white'
    Is driving expenditures clear out of sight.
    Luckily, NAFTA provides a solution,
    A haven in which I can discharge pollution
    Into the air or the land of my neighbor,
    Where the power union committee:
    I'm moving the workshop to Mexico City."

    Then, in a twinkle, up the chimney he went,
    Back through the soot out the cold rooftop vent.
    But not before saying, with a wink and a nod,
    "Buenos noches, Miss Hillary, and Feliz Navidad!"


    During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour, as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

    A few minutes later, the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.

    Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed."

    Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."


    Through the marvels of technology, we were able to use the new patented Bullcrap-Canceler 9000 to see what President Clinton was *really* trying to say in his August 17, 1998 Speech to the Nation.

    [Translated comments are in brackets.]

    "President Bill Clinton's Speech"

    Aug. 17, 1998

    CLINTON: Good evening.


    This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.

    [Today, I got my arse dragged over the coals.]

    I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer.

    [I was lying like crazy trying to cover my arse.]

    Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight.

    [I got busted, and now I'm trying to minimize the damage.]

    As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.

    [I conned everybody during the January deposition. I played a semantics game and was able to slither away without actually telling the truth.]

    Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate.

    [I have given a new definition to the term "screwed by the Government."]

    In fact, it was wrong.

    [We exhausted the Kama Sutra.]

    It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.

    [I was horny.]

    But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action.

    [Hope you brought a shovel 'cause here comes the bullsh*t...]

    I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression.

    [I lied like a bitch.]

    I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that.

    [Guess who's not `getting any' tonight?]

    I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.

    [I thought I'd get away with the whole damn thing.]

    I was also very concerned about protecting my family.

    [Not to mention my testicles; Hillary has her own version of 'Soccer.' ]

    The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too.

    [I didn't think there was a chance in hell that things would ever go this far.]

    In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, dealings I might add about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago.

    [I was worried that Ken Starr would dig up MORE dirt on me.]

    The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation.

    [I'm still continuing my efforts to discredit the people who've caught me with my hand in the Cookie jar.]

    This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people.

    [Can't everybody just leave me alone?? Boo-hoo! Whaaaaaahhh!!]

    Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most -- my wife and our daughter -- and our God.

    [Git offa mah land 'fore I shoot me a trespasser!]

    I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so.

    [If you think I bull-crapped you before, you ain't seen NOTHIN' yet!!]

    Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours.

    [The longer this matter stays in the public eye, the bigger my chances are of being recognized as a two-bit punk who has a taste for tender, young meat.]

    Even presidents have private lives. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our National life.

    [-cough- -cough- -choke- I'm having trouble breathing with this Smoke Screen that's gone up...]

    Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do.

    [I got busted but maybe you won't see though my flimsy facade.]

    Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on.

    [Mom! Make the Bad Man stop!!]

    We have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to face.

    [You are getting sleepy. Soon you will forget. Yes, forget everything...]

    And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century.

    [Now that I've made a laughing stock out of the US, given the Arab Nations a legitimate reason to use the term 'American Pigs,' and blown my credibility all to pieces, why not just grab a beer and pretend like none of this ever happened? --C'mon, baby, relax.]

    Thank you for watching.

    [Sorry you had to see this.]

    And Good Night.

    [Ok! That's the signal! Al, shoot Hillary with the tranquilizer gun! Chelsea, tell Air Force One to lay in a course for Tehran!


    famous biographer was going to write Bill's life story. During the course of his interview he asked Bill, "What was your best and your worst decision during the Presidency?"

    Bill rolled his eyes back in deep thought and then said,

    "Monica Lewinsky! I'd have to say Monica was my best and my worst decision."

    "How could that be, Bill?" asked the surprised biographer.

    Bill smiled, "I'd have to say she was both my best and my worst decision for the same reason."

    "That's odd. What is the reason?" said the biographer.

    Bill squirmed in his chair and answered, "Monica had a big mouth."


    They say truth is stranger than fiction,
    and slickness is rarer than friction
      With Clinton we've found
      the rules upside down--
    especially with language and diction.

    The latest political treatise,
    American Rhapsody teases
      And generates laughter
      because the last chapter
    proclaims Clinton talks with his penis.

    Bill's heated reaction was fleeting
    when he got his gene-mapping readings
      'Cause his genes present
      a brand-new defense
    against his disbarment proceedings.

    And in his disbarment proceedings,
    this brand new defense will be pleaded
      His lips will not move,
      and that's how he'll prove
    the lies were all told by his penis.

    The judge in such case must be awesome
    to measure such jetsam and flotsam.
      That must be why
      when this case is tried,
    the judge in the case is a Johnson.


    One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House.

    Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

    "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.

    The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.

    "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

    "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

    Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.

    "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

    "Go to the theatre."


    The stamps were duly released and Clinton was pleased. But within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious.

    He called Hillary and ordered her to investigate the matter. Hillary checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported the problem to Clinton.

    She said: "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."


    Back when President Clinton was still in office and you tried to call the White House on the phone during the day, this is what you often heard:

    You have reached the White House voice mail system. No one is available to take your call at this time because the entire administration is out to lunch. Please follow these instructions carefully to leave your message. When you are finished, don't hang up until the FBI finishes tracing the call.
    Have a nice day now!

    If you are male and would like to leave a message for the President,
    press 9.

    If your are female and would like to leave a message for the president,
    press M-O-T-E-L-6.

    If you are male and would like to leave a message for Chelsea,
    press N-O-W-A-Y.

    To leave a message for Buddy,
    press D-O-G.

    To leave a message for Socks,
    press D-O-G-F-O-O-D.

    To leave a message for Roger Clinton,
    press A-A.

    To leave a message for Ted Kennedy,
    Press 7-A-N-D-7.

    If you are calling to arrange a night in the Lincoln bedroom,
    press D-O-L-L-A-R.

    If you are calling to arrange a White House coffee,
    press Y-E-N.

    If you are calling to support Hillary's birth control program,
    press F-R-I-G-I-D.

    If you are calling leave a message for Janet Reno,
    press W-A-C-O.

    To leave a message for a member of Congress,
    press B-I-G-D-O-N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

    To leave a message for the Gore 2000 campaign,
    press H-O-P-E-L-E-S-S.

    If you wish to make a complaint,
    press B-I-T-E-M-E.

    To speak to an operator,
    press O.

    To speak to a slick operator, stay on the line and the President will


    From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of the United States v. William J. Clinton:

    1. If the dress ain't a mess, he won't need to confess.
    2. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate.
    3. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit.
    4. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal.
    5. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore.
    6. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses.
    7. He cheats on his wife, but it's his personal life.
    8. He can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof.
    9. Bill isn't sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy.
    10. If the sex is just oral, it's not really immoral.

    Priceline.com's stock soared and eBay created an entire new section on their online auction site to accommodate the US Congress' overhaul of campaign financial law.

    Senator John McCain, in a speech from Capitol Hill, praised his fellow Senators's choice to "name your own price" for Congressional influence. "This is significant legislation that will turn around a stagnant economy by pouring millions into politicians' pockets."

    In the new law, private citizens will be able to log onto Priceline.com and "name their own price" to influence a member of the House. Citizens wishing to purchase a Senator need to logon to Ebay.

    William Jefferson Clinton has replaced William Shatner as spokesman for the new Congressional Priceline. In an "off-camera" remark, as Mr. Clinton held his crotch, he said, "This is going to be *big*, really *big*."


    Congressional Behavior

    Opening paragraph of the lead editorial of the New York Times, August 3,
    1996, on preparations for elections in the U.S.:

    The Republic has been treated to the spectacle of grown men and women in
    Congress behaving like college students pulling a last-ditch
    all-nighter. Their aim was to pile up a record with which to impress
    the voters or to club their opponents this fall. The entire show was
    alarming because when Congress gets in a hurry it can do even more
    damage than when it has plenty of time.


    A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your

    The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this,
    I am a congressman!"

    The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

    Constitutional Amendment To Ban All Pies Except Apple

    Responding to a rising tide of menu dessert choices, the Bush
    administration announced today the "Sanctity of Apple Pie Act," which would
    prohibit the consumption or sale of any type of pie that's not

    "Apple Pie is one of the institutions that made this country great," said
    White House spokesman Scott McLellan today, citing Baseball and Mom as
    other hallowed Americon icons under consideration by the Bush
    administration for federal protection. "We simply cannot risk, at this time
    of heightened threat to our national identity, sanctioning the consumption
    of anti-American desserts, such as lemon meringue, rugelah or chocolate
    mousse. Activist chefs should not be allowed to set an alternative

    Democratic candidates for president, John Kerry and John Edwards both
    condemned the proposed Constitutional amendment, saying that though they
    both "staunchly support apple pie and would never think of eating anything
    even remotely French for dessert," decisions concerning what kind of pie to
    eat was best left up to individual states.

    Polls show that Americans are almost equally divided on the idea of a
    Constitutional ban on pies other than apple.

    "I can only eat meat now, anyway," said Gladys M. Smeegma, of Dayton Ohio,
    siting the new low-carb diet recently voted into law by the Ohio state


    This is a conversation between Condoleezza Rice and
    Just imagine Bush's face when you read this. I think
    it's hilarious.
    BTW "Hu" is pronounced as "who".


    Jim Sherman wrote this after hearing that Hu Jintao
    was named chief of the Communist Party in China.

    (We take you now to the Oval Office.)

    George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
    Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new
    leader of China.
    George: Great. Lay it on me.
    Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
    George: That's what I want to know.
    Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
    George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new
    leader of China?
    Condi: Yes.
    George: I mean the fellow's name.
    Condi: Hu.
    George: The guy in China.
    Condi: Hu.
    George: The new leader of China.
    Condi: Hu.
    George: The Chinaman!
    Condi: Hu is leading China.
    George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
    Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
    George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
    Condi: That's the man's name.
    George: That's who's name?
    Condi: Yes.
    George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of
    the new leader of China?
    Condi: Yes, sir.
    George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought
    he was in the Middle
    Condi: That's correct.
    George: Then who is in China?
    Condi: Yes, sir.
    George: Yassir is in China?
    Condi: No, sir.
    George: Then who is?
    Condi: Yes, sir.
    George: Yassir?
    Condi: No, sir.
    George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the
    new leader of China.
    Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the
    Condi: Kofi?
    George: No, thanks.
    Condi: You want Kofi?
    George: No.
    Condi: You don't want Kofi.
    George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use
    a glass of milk.
    And then get me the U.N.
    Condi: Yes, sir.
    George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
    Condi: Kofi?
    George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
    Condi: And call who?
    George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
    Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
    George: Will you stay out of China?!
    Condi: Yes, sir.
    George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me
    the guy at the U.N.
    Condi: Kofi.
    George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now
    get on the phone.
    (Condi picks up the phone.)
    Condi: Rice, here.
    George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls,
    too. Maybe we should send
    some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can
    you get Chinese food in
    the Middle East?

    Thank You...Mr. President.


    Another version:

    Who's On First for the Next Generation!

    George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

    Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

    George: Great. Lay it on me.

    Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

    George: That's what I want to know.

    Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

    George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

    Condi: Yes.

    George: I mean the fellow's name.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The guy in China.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The new leader of China.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The main man in China!

    Condi: Hu is leading China.

    George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

    Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

    George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

    Condi: That's the man's name.

    George: That's who's name?

    Condi: Yes.

    George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the

    Condi: That's correct.

    George: Then who is in China?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir is in China?

    Condi: No, sir.

    George: Then who is?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir?

    Condi: No, sir.

    George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
    Get me the
    Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

    Condi: Kofi?

    George: No, thanks.

    Condi: You want Kofi?

    George: No.

    Condi: You don't want Kofi.

    George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And
    then get me
    the U.N.

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

    Condi: Kofi?

    George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

    Condi: And call who?

    George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

    Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

    George: Will you stay out of China?!

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

    Condi: Kofi.

    George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.


    You have two cows.
    Your neighbor has none.
    You feel guilty for being successful.
    Barbara Streisand sings for you.

    You have two cows.
    Your neighbor has none.

    You have two cows.
    The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
    You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

    You have two cows.
    The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
    You wait in line for hours to get it.
    It is expensive and sour.

    You have two cows.
    You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

    You have two cows.
    The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a
    man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your

    You have two cows.
    The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for
    the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

    You have two cows.
    You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You
    force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when
    one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you
    have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

    You have two cows.
    You go on strike because you want three cows.
    You go to lunch and drink wine.
    Life is good.

    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
    produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded
    trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

    You have two cows.
    You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent
    quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also
    demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

    You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
    While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
    You break for lunch.
    Life is good.

    You have two cows.
    You have some vodka.
    You count them and learn you have five cows.
    You have some more vodka.
    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
    The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

    You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
    You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
    Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the

    You have two cows.
    They go into hiding.
    They send radio tapes of their mooing.

    You have two bulls.
    Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

    You have a black cow and a brown cow.
    Everyone votes for the best looking one.
    Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
    Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't
    figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state
    tell you which is the best looking cow.

    You have a cow and a bull.
    The bull is depressed.
    It has spent its life living a lie.
    It goes away for two weeks.
    It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
    You now have two cows.
    One makes milk; the other doesn't.
    You try to sell the transgender cow.
    Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
    You lose in court.
    You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
    You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
    You change your business to beef.
    PETA pickets your farm.
    Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
    Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".
    Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the
    Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
    The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
    You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
    The cow starves to death.
    The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.


    Current Events

    "The 1998 Winter Olympics are under way in Nagano, Japan. CBS has
    promised 128 hours of coverage... that is, unless Monica Lewinsky
    gets a hair cut or something." - Conan O'Brien

    "The news this week is hot... even my Newsweek came in a plain brown
    wrapper." - Jay Leno

    "Newsweek and Time both have cover stories about the sex scandal.
    Meanwhile the Star and National Enquirer ran full coverage on the
    pope's visit to Cuba." - Cutler Daily Scoop

    "A former co-worker says Lewinsky often commented about how sexy Al
    Gore was. Okay, so now we know she's attracted to anything that does
    and doesn't move." - Conan O'Brien

    "While he was campaigning for office, Clinton told young people they
    should wait to have sex. Now we know what he wanted them to wait
    for. Him." - Jay Leno

    "Penthouse offered Lewinsky $2 million to pose nude. This confirms
    what Clinton said in his State of the Union address: He is creating
    high paying jobs for young people." - Jay Leno

    "You know, I think this whole thing started because interns are
    underpaid. Secret Service agents make $75,000 a year and they only
    have to take a bullet for the president." - Jay Leno

    "Conspiracy buffs claim that the celebrity skiing accidents are
    actually a conspiracy... the trees were planted." - Humor Newsgroup

    "A devout Hindu is suing Taco Bell for serving him a beef burrito
    instead of the bean burrito he ordered. He said the forbidden meat
    caused nausea, loss of sleep and many doctor's visits. In its
    defense, Taco Bell said the same thing would have happened if he'd
    gotten the bean burrito." - Unknown Source


    Cutting Down Presidential Timber
    by Joe Lavin

    Brace yourself. Campaign 2000 is about to start in earnest. When last I
    wrote about this, it seemed there would be as many presidential
    candidates as Pokemon characters, but over the past few months they
    seem to have been dropping out at an alarming rate. By now, it appears
    that there may be only four viable candidates left.

    First, there's George W. Bush, who as you know is the Governor of --
    well, you know, that big state down south. Um, what's it called? Texas, I
    think. In the past few weeks, Bush has shifted the focus of his campaign
    from skirting the drug question to attempting to prove that he might have
    a clue when it comes to foreign affairs and geography. So far, he hasn't
    been very successful at this. Earlier in the year, he called the Greeks
    "Grecians." Later, he couldn't tell whether he had met with the Prime
    Minister of Slovenia or Slovakia. And, finally, he flunked a pop quiz on
    foreign leaders by an impetuous Boston reporter. ("The Prime Minister of
    India is ... I don't know.") Oh, if only Dan Quayle were still running!
    Imagine how much fun a Bush-Quayle debate could be to watch.

    Despite all this, W's working hard to learn more about foreign affairs
    because that's just the sort of stuff presidential candidates are supposed
    to know. And if the other candidates know about it, well, W wants to
    too. After all, as they say, when in Rome, do like the, er, Romulans?

    Still, somebody ought to inform our favorite letter that this is a
    presidential campaign and not an episode of Who Wants to Be a
    Millionaire? In a debate, he's just not going to have the chance to ask,
    "Um, could I use my lifeline now to call my Dad?"

    Next, there's Senator John McCain whose people are busy telling
    everyone that he's not crazy because of his time as a Vietnam POW.
    These are cruel rumors being spread by another campaign, we are told.
    Never mind that the first time I heard of this was when McCain started
    denying it. This is what is known in politics as a preemptive strike.
    McCain is also denying that he has a bad temper, and god damn it if you
    don't all just shut up about it, he's really gonna start kicking some ass.
    And those rumors about him being paranoid? That's also being spread
    by another campaign. They're out to get him, I tell you.

    On the Democratic side, the hot candidate is now Bill Bradley, and, well,
    doesn't that just say something about the Democratic side when the hot
    candidate is ... Bill Bradley? He seems to be smart enough, but this is not
    exactly an exciting man. The Bradley campaign is apparently trying to
    counter the boring and stiff Al Gore with a candidate who is tall, boring,
    and stiff. Let's face it. There's not a whole lot of difference between these
    two. Bradley's slogan might as well be: "Vote Bradley. He's taller!"

    As for Al Gore, he's no longer the old boring and stiff Al Gore. No, perish
    the thought! He's now the NEW boring and stiff Al Gore. Much like Bob
    Dole in the last campaign, Al Gore has taken off the tie to show that he's
    a spontaneous man of the people. Because, after all, there's nothing quite
    so spontaneous as planning to be spontaneous. "Guess what, Tipper.
    I'm gonna be spontaneous today!"

    Now, Gore aides are trying to convince us that Gore is actually a funny
    guy. Earlier this week, they somehow managed to get Salon to write an
    especially ridiculous article all about Wacky Al and his sense of humor.
    The article was basically a list of all the funny things Gore had done in
    his life. These range from occasionally rolling oranges down the aisle of
    his plane during takeoff to once fooling his doctor into thinking his hand
    was bleeding by dipping it in salsa. Yes, it turns out that we've got a
    regular comedian as Vice-President. Maybe if this whole Presidency
    thing doesn't pan out, he could instead go into comedy.

    And here's my favorite quote from the article:

    "Asked to recount his own favorite comedic moment, he told aides to tell
    this reporter about one particular morning when he was in the shower. It
    was around the time he was starting to lose his hair, and he called out to
    Tipper to tell her he really liked her new shampoo. He said it was great
    stuff, felt 'really tingly.' Horror washed over her face as he poked his
    lathered head out from behind the curtain and she saw what he was
    holding: a bottle of Nair hair-removing lotion."

    Yes, indeed, we'll all be rolling in the aisles from laughter if we elect
    Wacky Al. I'm just hoping his Presidency comes with a laugh track so
    that we'll know when we're supposed to laugh. Essentially, the main Gore
    message is this: While he may seem dull in public, Gore is actually very
    funny in private. And I sort of understand because -- when I'm in a
    private setting and there's nobody around to verify anything -- I like to
    make arcane policy statements about NAFTA. Honest.

    Well, don't worry, in eleven months, we'll finally have a new President-
    elect, and this will all seem like a bad dream. I bet you can't wait.


    From: The White House
    To: Albert Gore, Jr.

    Dear Al:

    We found some more votes. You won!

    When do you want to take over?


    George W. Bush


    Dear Diary
    The Morning After in New Hampshire 2000
    By Jay Severin

    Feb. 2, 2000 What were the presidential frontrunners
    thinking when they opened their eyes the morning
    after New Hampshire? Heres an exclusive peek at
    their diary entries for Wednesday, Feb. 2:

    George W. Bush
    Dear Diary:
    I thought they liked Dad so much here in New Hampshire. Thanks for
    nothing, Pop.

    Gee, I dont get it. My handlers told me I couldnt lose,
    but 19 points sure looks like a loser to me. Ninety million dollars
    in the bank and I cant buy a win in this hick state? I ran the
    campaign here just like my other ones, in Texas.

    Whats with these Yankees, anyhow?

    But its okay. My campaign manager says not to worry
    all they want to talk about in South Carolina is religion
    and, heck, I can do that even without my cue cards! This
    McCain guy is a flash in the pan. Doesnt he know my
    nomination is inevitable because I am our strongest
    candidate? If I were McCain I wouldn't get too confident
    just because he beat me among men, women, young, old,
    rich, poor, independent, and Republican voters. Anybody
    can land one lucky punch, right? On to the bank I mean
    the South. Hey, have I told you about my personal
    relationship with God?

    John McCain

    Dear Diary:
    I am so grateful for this big win because it restores my
    confidence in the country and people I fought for. New Hampshire
    voters had a choice between a rich Papa's Boy with slush for
    brains and somebody actually prepared to be President of the United
    States. At the risk of sounding immodest, diary, they made
    exactly the right choice for America. I am proud of them and of my
    campaign. They said we didnt have a chance, and we beat Junior
    like a rented mule. Other than fundamentalist Christians in New
    Hampshire both of them is there any group of voters
    where we didn't pound him?

    Bush may be the GOPs strongest candidate in November if the
    election is held on Pluto. If Bush is inevitable, I'm Jane Fonda. I
    know we don't have a lot of money, but right now we've got the one
    thing more important: a crusade.

    If I can win again in South Carolina, we'll have all the money we
    need. Does W know South Carolina has the highest number of voting
    veterans than any state in the country? Not to mention independents or
    didn't they put that on his cue card? This is a fight to the finish, and
    your Daddy can't fight this one for little Georgie. When I take the
    measure of my opponent, I like my chances.

    Al Gore

    Dear Diary:

    I just dont get it. I hit Bradley with everything I had,
    and he didn't even fight back until the last minute. And he's
    still right on my tail. Now I have to keep this frozen smile on
    my face while endure another month of his attacks on my
    integrity, honesty, and character. Thanks, Bill. How much
    are the Republicans paying you? By the time I knock you
    out, I will be broke and beaten.

    And then theres my best buddy, Bill Clinton. He was
    my ticket to the White House, but now he's turned into a
    anvil around my neck. Hey, Bubba, like Sting says: Don't
    Stand So Close To Me. Youre killing me, Bill. Did I really
    say Clinton was going to be remembered as one of our greatest
    presidents? Little did I know saying that may mean I won't be
    remembered as a president at all. That's okay.

    Dollar Bill is still a pacifist at heart, and I haven't
    begun to slime. And every time Bradley cites one of my, ahem,
    white lies, I will blast him for going negative. Well, on to
    some normal states with lots of unions, minorities, soccer moms,
    and homeless. Things are looking up!

    Bill Bradley

    Dear Diary:

    Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Whoops dozed off for a moment.

    Well, its about time the people got wise. After all, it is so
    obvious I am superior in every way not only as a candidate, a
    thinker, and as a human being. I am glad New Hampshire got it. That
    they could still give Gore a victory makes me so mad I could nearly

    But I have to be careful not to get too excited, with my
    bum ticker and all. I did notice that climb back into this race
    coincided with fighting back. Its all so distasteful! But it
    works. So let the party complain that I am beating up Al Gore
    (and I sure am going to) for the Republicans. If we nominate
    Gore, we lose; if we choose me, we win. As soon as I beat him in
    New York and California, they'll change their tune.

    I'm feeling bold. Get me a cream soda.


    Mr. John Hinkley
    St. Elizabeth's Hospital
    Washington D.C.

    Dear John,

    Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our Country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land.

    Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation.

    Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

    Best wishes,
    Bill Clinton

    P.S. Ken Starr is screwing Jodie Foster.


    Dear Tide,

    I'm writing to you to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since my college days, when my Mom told me it was the best.

    In fact, about a month ago, while at my girlfriend's house, I spilled some red wine on my new white shirt. She started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing lead to another and I had a lot of her blood on my white shirt, as well. I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it wouldn't come out. On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide and all of the stains came out. So well, in fact, that the DNA tests where negative!

    I thank you, once again, for a great product. I now have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

    Yours truly,
    Gary Condit


    Q: How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Five thousand, four hundred and forty six

    14 White House aids to appear on the Sunday morning news shows
    denying that the bulb is burned out.

    8 White House aids to blame the previous administration

    4 Major news anchors to call the Republicans mean-spirited.

    243 children to stand behind Clinton as he explains the impact of
    burned out bulbs on our children and how the mean-spirited
    Republicans want our children to grow up in darkness

    1 first lady to say the changing the light bulb takes a village.

    9 Hollywood stars to testify as experts because they played a
    movie role in which they changed light bulbs.

    15 White House spin doctors to put the best light on it.

    103 US Representatives to tell us that only Washington D.C.
    really knows how to change a light bulb.

    1 President to tell us that he feels our darkness and has 18 new
    federal programs to prevent burned out light bulbs, and that he
    has vivid memories of black light bulbs burning out during his
    childhood in Arkansas.

    42 cruise missiles to take the heat off the burned out bulb.

    1 campaign advisor to recommend the use of red light bulbs.

    1 Vice President to inform us of the environmental impact of
    changing a light bulb.

    2 White House advisors to devise a tax on those who are unfairly
    able to change their own light bulbs.

    1 Dead White House lawyer who can be blamed for anything that
    can't be pinned on the Republicans.

    1 White House ghost who can retrieve the light bulb files that no
    one else knows anything about.

    5,000 Bureaucrats to make sure that the bulb is changed
    correctly, doesn't offend anyone, doesn't impact the environment,
    doesn't unfairly benefit one group, doesn't harm anyone during
    the installation, and is up to 1945 specifications for light

    Subject: Democrats Light Bulb Joke

    Q: How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Five thousand, four hundred and forty six

    14 White House aids to appear on the Sunday morning news shows
    denying that the bulb is burned out.

    8 White House aids to blame the previous administration

    4 Major news anchors to call the Republicans mean-spirited.

    243 children to stand behind Clinton as he explains the impact of
    burned out bulbs on our children and how the mean-spirited
    Republicans want our children to grow up in darkness

    1 first lady to say the changing the light bulb takes a village.

    9 Hollywood stars to testify as experts because they played a
    movie role in which they changed light bulbs.

    15 White House spin doctors to put the best light on it.

    103 US Representatives to tell us that only Washington D.C.
    really knows how to change a light bulb.

    1 President to tell us that he feels our darkness and has 18 new
    federal programs to prevent burned out light bulbs, and that he
    has vivid memories of black light bulbs burning out during his
    childhood in Arkansas.

    42 cruise missiles to take the heat off the burned out bulb.

    1 campaign advisor to recommend the use of red light bulbs.

    1 Vice President to inform us of the environmental impact of
    changing a light bulb.

    2 White House advisors to devise a tax on those who are unfairly
    able to change their own light bulbs.

    1 Dead White House lawyer who can be blamed for anything that
    can't be pinned on the Republicans.

    1 White House ghost who can retrieve the light bulb files that no
    one else knows anything about.

    5,000 Bureaucrats to make sure that the bulb is changed
    correctly, doesn't offend anyone, doesn't impact the environment,
    doesn't unfairly benefit one group, doesn't harm anyone during
    the installation, and is up to 1945 specifications for light


    Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box.

    Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box, kid?" The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

    Al Gore laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"

    "Democrats," the child says.

    "Oh, that's cute," Al Gore says and he runs off.

    A couple of days later, Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Al says to Bill, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to the boy with the box.

    Al says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are."

    The boy replies, "They're Republicans."

    "Whoa!" Al says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?"

    "Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."


    Diary of a Federal Employee
    by Steve Weiss

    The following journal entry has been "borrowed" from a federal
    employee, whose name and occupation have been withheld for his or her

    Dear Diary,

    Today was the same as any other day. I got to work 5 hours early in
    order to find parking in the Menial Federal Employee Parking Lot. It's
    mandatory that all employees park in the lot, although there are only 10
    spots for 400 employees, but there is ample street parking. Then there is
    the Supervisor Lot, which has 50 spots for 2 supervisors. Our cars will be
    immediately towed if we park in the Supervisor Lot. Actually, one of the
    two supervisors does nothing but make sure that nobody else parks in the
    Supervisor Lot. He's currently making a six figure salary.

    At the door, I had to show my building card to the security guard. He
    started telling me about his wife's problems. I told him I need to get to
    work, and he reminded me of the clause in my contract that stated that I
    have to listen to every story he wants to tell me.

    Six hours later, I went upstairs to my office, and was docked for being
    late. I tried to explain to my supervisor about the security guard, and he
    had me fill out a Lame Excuse for being Late form. I filled it out, and he
    told me I had to mail it to him, even though he's in the office next door.

    I put the form in an envelope and was about to put it in my outbox for
    the mailboy to pick up, when I remembered that the mailboy would not be in
    today since he had to attend the Federal Mailboy's Workshop, so I went
    outside to mail it myself. As I re-entered the building, the security
    guard stopped me and demanded to see my card, which I had accidentally left
    upstairs. Even though he had known me for years, he made me fill out a
    Lame Excuse for Thinking You Belong in this Building form, which made me
    agree that if I try to steal anything, I have to donate all my organs to
    the government.

    As I handed him the form, I noticed a person wearing a ski mask, who was
    holding a crowbar, enter the building and freely go upstairs. I asked the
    security guard why he didn't stop the person, and he told me he's on a break.

    I went back upstairs, only to find my supervisor waiting for me, who was
    angry that I haven't done any work today. I tried to tell him why, but he
    made me fill out a Lame Excuse for Not Doing Any Work Today form. After I
    threw out the form, I got to work.

    I was going to get to a stack of paperwork, when I noticed the many
    flashing lights on my phone, I answered one of the calls, and found out
    that person had been on hold since the Carter Administration. He asked me
    something about a form, and he what ethnicity to check, because of his
    multi-ethnic background, which was not covered on the form. I told him
    that if the form doesn't mention his exact situation, then his situation
    does not exist.

    The next call came from someone who misplaced one of their forms, and
    needed another one. I then told her to call the Office of People Who Mail
    Forms to Losers Who Lose Them, and she told me that it closed because of
    budgetary constraints six years ago. I told her I was not the one who
    closed it, so she has no business complaining to me about it.

    I was about to answer another call, but my supervisor announced that
    today was Mailperson's Appreciation Day, and it was mandatory that we all
    attend a three hour reception honoring mailpeople. We all went to the
    designated coffee room, where we each had to pay $35 for stale danish, and
    to listen to a mail-person who had been flown in (first class, I might add)
    from Argentina, who discussed the mail delivery in medieval Turkish
    society. I made the mistake of pointing out that in the Middle Ages,
    Turkey was known as the Byzantine Empire, and I was fined $50 for
    harrassing the guest speaker.

    I answered two more calls, before being interrupted by my supervisor,
    who told me it was mandatory for me to go to a seminar on agricultural
    accounting, when I pointed out that I was not an accountant, nor did my job
    even remotely involve any kind of accounting. He told me that he does not
    care about a minor technicality.

    After returning from the seminar, I was about to answer another call,
    when my supervisor announced that it was quitting time, and like every day,
    I had to fill out a So, You Think You're Going Home form that made me
    promise not to try to break in later that night and steal anything, and had
    me verify that I had not been deported today.

    As I left, I picked up my paycheck, and used that money to buy a pack of


    Disney Supports New Solution to Status of Jerusalem

    Jerusalem (JFP)--When U.S. peace negotiator Dennis Ross was asked
    by reporters, immediately following the conclusion of the grueling
    Hebron accord, where his next destination would be, the weary
    diplomat answered "I want to go to Disneyland." Most observers
    understood this to be nothing more than a wish for well-deserved
    relaxation from the exhausting demands of Middle East diplomacy.

    However, sources close to the Netanyahu government have now let
    it slip that Ross's words were actually a veiled hint at a possible
    solution to the next, most difficult stage, in the implementation of
    the peace process, the formidable discussions regarding the final
    status of Jerusalem. A potential breakthrough in the anticipated
    impasse may now have been reached as a result of an unexpected
    offer from the Disney corporation.

    Although all parties concerned insist that the final arrangements will
    have to be settled through direct negotiations between the involved
    parties, the preliminary details are as follows:

    The Old City of Jerusalem will be leased for an undetermined length of
    time to the Disney corporation, who will turn it into a religious theme
    park that will tentatively be called "Holy Land." The park will be
    subdivided into "Jewish Land," "Christian Land" and "Muslim Land," with
    the area of each coinciding roughly with the extent of Old Jerusalem's
    present religious "quarters."

    Precise blueprints for the park have of course not been finalised, but
    the Disney planners, speaking off the record, were visibly enthusiastic
    about the potential for a series of mechanical rides and roller
    coasters based on appropriate themes. "We have already produced outlines
    of a simulation in which visitors, drive along on tracks, will retrace
    the steps of the High Priest through the ancient Temple, culminating in
    a special surprise in the Holy of Holies." A similar ride has been
    devised for the Via Dolorosa, following the stations of the cross.

    The greatest excitement is being generated by the projected
    "Muhammad's Night Journey" ride which will be based on the Muslim
    prophet's ascent on the steed Buraq through the heavens from the
    Al-Aqsa mosque.

    Officials of the Israeli government were understandably reluctant about
    confirming the above plans. However one spokesman, Michael
    Ma'oz of the Foreign Ministry, agreed to discuss some of the issues
    involved, stressing that none of these statements were, at this moment,
    more than distant speculations.

    When asked about likely opposition from Israel's powerful Orthodox
    parties, Ma'oz replied that this appears to be less of a problem than
    previously feared. Disney has agreed to make generous contributions to a
    number of yeshivahs and other religious institutions. "Many
    ultra-Orthodox seem quite pleased by the prospect that they can get
    paid in dollars just for walking around in their traditional clothing.
    In fact," said Ma'oz, "the rabbis were generally less concerned with the
    content of the park, which their own people would be unlikely to visit,
    than with receiving assurances that the Disney folks will not allow the
    inclusion of any "Reform Street" or "Conservative Square" (A Disney
    representative did however suggest that non-Orthodox neighbourhoods
    might be included in prospective satellite parks outside of Israel).

    Asked whether this would contradict Prime Minister Netanyahu's
    pre-election commitment to an eternally united Israeli Jerusalem,
    Mr. Ma'oz muttered an obscure comment about Pinocchio's nose,
    and proceeded to point out how "Egged"'s proposed new combined
    monorail and roller-coaster would provide welcome relief from the
    capital's traffic congestion.

    A representative of the Jerusalem Waqf, `Adan al-Duq, was visibly
    upset when approached with questions about the alleged plan.
    However, he too acknowledged that the anticipated antagonism
    from fundamentalist circles would probably not materialise.

    "The Disney people appear to have learned their lesson from the Aladdin
    fiasco. They were very reasonable about withdrawing their original
    suggestion about attaching mouse-ears to the Dome of the
    Rock, and will definitely not be opening any new tunnels. Also, a
    private agreement may have been reached with President Arafat." Mr.
    al-Duq was reluctant to go into detail, but rumours circulating in the
    Jericho marketplace speak of a Disney commitment to allow Mr.
    Arafat to fulfill a childhood dream involving wearing a costume
    (possibly of a character from "Snow White") at the California

    Sources in the Holy See hinted at a package deal that would allow for
    the eventual establishment of a "Vatican Land" in Rome.

    The issue that troubles most people about the plan, is of course, the
    security question: Can the Disney crew maintain law and order in the
    volatile environment of Jerusalem's Old City?

    "No problem!" a spokesperson assured us. Remember that the
    Disney family has official links with at least one world-famous
    law-enforcement agency. "I can't reveal anything official at this stage,
    but we expect the area to be policed by an agency that we refer to as
    the `Temple Mounties'."

    Standing at the foot of the Temple Mount, the Disney representative
    assured us that every effort would be made not to alter or interfere
    with the city's traditional religious life-styles and traditions. His
    assurance was symbolically underscored as the ancient chant of
    the muezzin filled the air with the proclamation "Allah hu `Achbar."


    Dubbya Keeps Up With the Law
    At a recent fundraiser, George W. Bush was asked if he knew what
    Roe versus Wade was.

    He said he reckoned it was the decision that George Washington
    needed to make when he planned to cross the Delaware.


    President George Bush is visiting an elementary school and he visits one of
    the classes (4th grade).

    They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
    The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class
    in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks
    the class for an example of a "tragedy."

    One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next
    door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that
    would be a tragedy."

    "No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

    A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
    off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

    "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT

    The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches
    the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a

    Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a
    quiet voice he says, "If an American Air Force plane, carrying Mr. & Mrs.
    Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist
    like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."

    "Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that
    would be a TRAGEDY?"

    "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly
    would be no great loss."

    WASHINGTON D.C. - Following an emergency meeting Wednesday morning, Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America.

    The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state's voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential election.

    "This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch. "First Elian Gonzales, now this."

    Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time in coming.

    "We're all pretty much sick of Florida," said representative Barney Frank. "They've been a constant embarrassment for too long now." Added Frank, "They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh that's right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot."

    In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy commented that the loss of Florida's sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars in social security funds. "These are valuable funds which can now be redirected toward national defense. We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military," said the Senator to roaring applause.

    As a result of the Florida screw-up, the House and Senate decreed a new election will take place in early December. This time, ballots in each state will be tabulated by robots. "It is clear that our human vote-counting system is too inherently flawed," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. "The presence of these new, superior robot mast- err, I mean - tabulators will ensure 100% accuracy."

    "Remember," said Hastert, "every vote counts, especially if it's counted by robots."

    Dynamiting will begin along the Florida border next Wednesday, after which the state will be completely geographically separated from the United States.

    "After that, they're on their own," said Hastert. "I hope they sink."


    Family History


    Dear Abby:

    I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but
    I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?

    Sam in California


    Dear Sam:

    Yes. Run for public office.




    Feminist Agenda
    Author Unknown

    As you all know, we have a heck of a time keeping track of the feminist
    agenda. I know I keep losing it. Evidently I didn't read it very well
    because Pat Robertson was quoted as saying it is in the agenda that we
    leave our husbands, kill our children, and become lesbians. My husband
    will be a little bummed about the lesbian part, but it does make sense
    about why I never have seen any children around the house. I don't ever
    remember reading that part, but why would Pat Robertson lie?

    Anyway, here's our new agenda.

    0800 - 0815 Introduction, Opening Remarks
    0815 - 0915 Plot to Overthrow World Leadership
    0915 - 0930 BREAK - Coffee and donuts
    0930 - 1030 Undermine World Religions
    1030 - 1200 General Attacks on the Institution of the
    American Family
    1200 - 1300 Catered Lunch and Fashion Show
    1300 - 1330 Plot to Remove All Men From The World
    1330 - 1400 BREAK - Cake and Champagne
    1400 - 1500 Leave Husbands (If Applicable)
    1500 - 1530 Kill Children
    1530 - 1700 Become Lesbian
    1730+ Evening Mixer; Open Bar


    "Florida Lottery"

    Guess what?!?!? I won the lottery..I'm gonna be rich!! I won the Florida lottery! I'm now a multimillionaire! Can you believe it?!? I'm bouncing off the walls here! You see, my ticket doesn't have the exact winning numbers on it, but I meant to pick those winning numbers. The ticket was very confusing when I was filling it out and so I ended up with the wrong numbers on my card.

    But since I really meant to pick those other numbers, they're going to give me the money anyway!!!! They really shouldn't make those darn cards so hard to fill out!!! And even though I was confused, I didn't ask for help because no one would have helped me anyway and I didn't want to appear like I didn't know what I was doing. Isn't it nice of Florida to give the money anyway.

    I know, if the FL State Lottery won't give me the money, I'll just sue them!!!


    Football as a Political Paradigm -- The Adventure Continues
    By Randy Jordan

    DEMOCRATIC FOOTBALL: Just like COMMUNIST FOOTBALL, except that an unholy
    number of players find it easier to sit on the bench and let the
    rest of their team score for them. This phenomenon is better
    understood in relation to the overwhelming growth of coaching
    staffs, front office personnel, and Indonesian team owners.

    REPUBLICAN FOOTBALL: The team that scores the least not only loses the
    game, but the league subsequently penalizes them heavily and
    rewrites the rules so that the only way they can become
    competitive again is through the draft lottery.

    LIBERTARIAN FOOTBALL: The teams are so interested in keeping the
    referees uninvolved that it's impossible for anyone to ever win.

    RUSSIAN COMMUNIST FOOTBALL: The game just goes on and on until finally
    one team has accrued so many injuries to its own players that
    it cannot continue to amass points.

    ROSS PEROT FOOTBALL: The rules make so little sense that even the fans
    are annoyed, yet they continue to buy tickets because they think
    the other games are even worse.

    RAINBOW COALITION FOOTBALL: Many have said that it is political suicide
    to satirize any organization that seeks to guarantee civil rights
    and bring about equality. So lets move on to ...

    N.O.W. FOOTBALL: Despite glaring contradictions in the rules, the few
    remaining players continue to defend discrepancies and play a
    rough game, indeed. Points build up quickly, since all the
    teams have only offensive players, with no defense.


    Forget the News, Full Sleaziness Ahead!
    by Dave Barry
    from THE MIAMI HERALD, Wednesday, January 28, 1998

    Anchor: Good evening, this is Tom Brokaw or possibly Peter Jennings, and
    tonight we have word that astronomers have detected a giant asteroid
    that, on its current calculated trajectory, could very likely slam
    into the Earth sometime next week and wipe out all life on the planet.
    But our top story tonight is the ongoing alleged sex scandal
    involving President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, whose picture we are
    showing you now for the estimated four millionth time, so that even
    when you close your eyes, there she is! Monica Lewinsky! We can't get
    enough of her! Here in the news media we are so excited about this
    scandal that we are changing our undergarments on an hourly basis. We
    go now to a correspondent standing in front of the White House for the
    latest developments.

    Correspondent: Tom or Peter, the latest development is that today, when the president
    issued his ritualistic flagrantly insincere denial that nobody believes
    except Buddy the White House dog, he said there is ''absolutely,
    positively no truth'' to the allegations. This is a dramatic escalation
    from yesterday's ritualistic denial, when the president said only that
    there was "absolutely" no truth.

    Anchor: So the president has now added a "positively" to the "absolutely."

    Correspondent: That is correct. Presidential spokesperson Mike McCurry was asked about
    this discrepancy at today's regularly scheduled White House press frenzy,
    and he said, quote, "There is no significance whatsoever to the blah
    blah blah."

    Anchor: He actually used the words "blah blah blah?"

    Correspondent: That is correct, and he also became very defensive when members of the
    press pointed out that he looks as though he is styling his hair with a
    Salad Shooter. The mood is tense at the White House, Peter or Tom.

    Anchor: I'll say it is. Here's another look at the picture of Monica Lewinsky.
    Now we go to our correspondent on Capitol Hill to see how the Republicans
    are handling this.

    Correspondent: Tom or Peter, I am here with the top Republican leaders to get their views
    on this scandal.

    Republican #1: We have nothing to say.

    Republican #2: That is correct. It is not our place to comment on whether or not the
    president of the United States was having illicit sex in the White House.

    Republican #1: Oral sex.

    Republican #2: With a woman practically his daughter's age.

    Republican #1: Right there in the Oval Office, unzipping his . . .

    Correspondent (interrupting): Thank you! There you have it,

    Peter or Tom: The Republican leadership staying above this sordid affair.

    Anchor: Thank you, and now, for the benefit of those viewers who are just
    awakening from comas, here's the picture of Monica Lewinsky. Next we go
    to our correspondent covering Vice President Al Gore, to get his reaction
    to this scandal.

    (We see the correspondent standing next to a large drain pipe, shouting into the opening.)

    Correspondent: Mr. Vice President! Sir! Can we get a comment on this scandal? Sir? We
    know you're in there!

    Anchor: Five days in a drain pipe! That's a modern vice-presidential record.

    Correspondent: We think Tipper is slipping him food.

    Anchor: We'll be back in a moment with more on this scandal, but first we will
    break for these words from our sponsors, including the debut of the Monica
    Lewinsky Nike commercial.


    Fry Tim McVeigh
    (to the tune of YMCA)

    Trials - there's one every day
    I said trials - spent 2 years with OJ
    With these trials - now we're on Tim McVeigh
    And there's one thing we want to say


    We want the jury to
    FRY Tim Mcveigh
    We want the jury to
    FRY Tim McVeigh
    We don't want no parole
    We don't want no appeal
    We don't want no big bargain deal

    We want the jury to
    FRY Tim McVeigh
    WE want the jury to
    FRY Tim McVeigh
    Send him straight to the chair
    Shave his crewcut - dork hair
    And don't stop till he's medium rare

    We know - he's a murdering scum
    We think - he should be strung up by his thumbs
    For what he did - with his rented truck bomb
    And now that the trial has begun

    Connections - there's a new one each week
    They've been published - by some internet geek
    And by Playboy - we know they'd never lie
    It's all there right by Miss July

    repeat chorus

    Lawyers - we won't let this one go
    So reserve him - the best room on death row
    In the meantime - while he waits in the pen
    Let's hope some hulk makes Tim his girlfriend !

    repeat chorus


    Fundamentalist Aesopians Interpret
    Fox-Grapes Parable Literally
    from The Onion

    MONTGOMERY, AL--A controversial new bill pending before the Alabama Legislature has deeply divided the state along theological lines, sending right-wing fundamentalist Aesopians into an uproar. HR 1604, if passed, would broaden nutritional guidelines used in the state's school-lunch program, permitting a wider variety of fruits and vegetables to be served, including grapes, the consumption of which is a sin according to Aesopian doctrine.

    "The state of Alabama is trying to bully us into submission," said Herman Bray, Pastor of the First Universal Church Of Aesop in Huntsville. "They're trying to rob us of our most cherished beliefs and send our children the message that grapes are acceptable for eating."

    Clutching a worn, leather-bound copy of Aesop's Parables, Bray explained his congregation's strict opposition to the law.

    "The Holy Writ of Aesop makes it plain that the fox, in his anger at the unreachable grapes, cursed the offending fruit and made all grapes sour forever," Bray said. "It is common sense--and a core belief of the Church Of Aesop--that this is a directive from Aesop Himself against grape consumption. Grapes are plainly exposed as a foul, sour-tasting fruit which dirties both body and soul, and this is a strict tenet of our dietary code." Alabama Aesopians are threatening to take their children out of school if the bill becomes law.

    "Our beliefs and history have been laughed off by the secular media as fiction, as 'fables,'" Bray continued. "But the fox-and-the-grapes incident is not just some fantasy concocted by the Aesopian Right. Our research has determined that it most likely occurred between 605 and 602 B.C.E. in the province of Phrygia, was witnessed by a young Aesop and ultimately recorded in what became the Holy Book of Aesopians. Our church's archaeological and historical data all confirm the details recorded in the Aesop account."

    The Aesopians' claims have provoked strong reaction among academics. "They think what? That this is a directive not to eat grapes?" asked Darrin Schmidt, professor of folklore and mythology at NYU. "The whole point of the story is that the grapes aren't sour at all. I think that's pretty unambiguous." Bray dismissed Schmidt's comments as "heretical anti-Aesopian hate speech."

    Curtis Milner, president of the Birmingham-based Aesopian Coalition, said his organization is prepared to go all the way to the Supreme Court if Alabama passes what he calls "an openly hostile, blatantly anti-Aesopian piece of legislation."

    "These lawmakers are attacking our most closely held beliefs," Milner said. "Not only is it disrespectful; it is a clear violation of the Constitution of this land."

    According to Milner, the beliefs of the Aesopians are simple and direct. "We honor the courage and the noble sacrifice of Aesop, who gave His life to educate the world, not backing down even to the day of His execution by the wicked Athenian despot Peisistratus," Milner said. "That event, though tragic on the surface, was actually a day of exhilarating triumph over evil, for as a result of it, the histories painstakingly recorded by Aesop gained immortality."

    "He died for us all," Milner added


    Dateline Wash D.C Dec. 30, 2004

    December 30, 2004 / Washington, D.C. (Associated Press)

    After four years of legal wrangling, George W. Bush was finally declared the winner of the 2000 presidential election yesterday.

    Bush, a Republican, will take the oath of office at noon today and serves until Jan. 20, 2005, a term of about three weeks. Then he gives way to the winner of the 2004 presidential election, New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Greenspan (formerly Clinton).

    Facing a drastically shortened presidency, Bush attempted to strike an optimistic tone last night. "We have a lot to accomplish in the next three weeks," Bush said. "Reforming Social Security alone is probably going to eat up four or five hours. Let's get to work!"

    Aides yesterday were calling temporary employment agencies in a frantic effort to fill Cabinet posts. Bush's victory ends a four-year court battle between him and Democratic candidate Al Gore over the results of the 2000 election.

    While the dispute raged on, the nation installed an interim president - New York Yankees Manager Joe Torre. Torre admitted that running a country and a baseball team simultaneously has been a strain. "At times, it's been difficult to keep the two things straight. Although, in retrospect,trading Jesse Helms to the Red Sox turned out OK."

    Torre's four years in office were marked by continued prosperity at home and relative calm abroad. His most controversial move was appointing Yankees bench coach Don Zimmer to the Supreme Court. Critics charged that Zimmer lacked experience. He also spit tobacco juice on Antonin Scalia's shoes, angering conservatives. Torre's boldest foreign policy initiative was making Cuba the 51st state in an effort to improve U.S. pitching.

    Torre was planning to vacate the White House by midnight tonight, with Bush moving in immediately.

    Eager to give an aura of permanency to his three-week administration, Bush rebuffed suggestions that he sleep on a bare mattress on the floor and live out of suitcases.

    Gore, meanwhile, has yet to concede defeat. The former vice president issued a statement today saying, "It would be improper and disrespectful to the democratic process to act hastily before all the facts are known." The legal tangle over the 2000 election began with a Gore lawsuit over the confusing design of ballots in Florida. When the courts sided with Gore, Bush filed suit, arguing that the Oregon results were invalid because some ballots were yellow and others pink. Gore countersued, charging that the West Virginia results should be thrown out because some people failed to receive "I Voted Today" stickers.

    Through the years, various officials proposed compromises to resolve the impasse. All were rejected, including:

    • Establishing a co-presidency, with the two men sharing duties and splitting the White House. Although never implemented, the idea gave rise to a hit TV show, East Wing, West Wing.

    • Establishing temporarily separate nations, with each candidate ruling the states he won in the 2000 election. Gore, who failed to carry his native Tennessee, balked at the idea because it would mean showing a passport every time he went home.

    Observers said the biggest challenge for the Bush administration will be working with Congress, which adjourns tomorrow and isn't expected back until after Bush's term ends. "One day may not be quite enough time to overhaul the tax system," a Bush aide admitted. "But maybe we can get started and then finish it later with a big conference call or something."

    Meanwhile, Bush also must work on his legacy and prepare to transfer power to President-elect Greenspan. She yesterday wished Bush well and asked if she could start moving some boxes into the White House basement.


    In a bi-partisan move, President Bush nominated Dr. Hannibal Lecter as his candidate for US Surgeon General.

    In another announcement, Special Agent Clarice Starling will become the new FBI director. She's expected to work closely with the new Surgeon General on a case concerning missing former Vice President Al Gore. President Bush had recently arranged a meeting between Gore and Lecter.

    Lecter was the last person to see Gore before Gore's sudden disappearance in early January. Lecter noted that he, "enjoyed having Gore for dinner," but was upset at how Gore, or, rather the *subect* of Gore kept "coming up." "I'm sick to my stomach over this," Lecter said.

    President Bush didn't seem concerned with the disappearance of his rival for the office. "I think it's all crap by now, don't you?"


    "The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
    - George W. Bush

    "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
    - George W. Bush

    "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
    - Governor George W. Bush

    "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
    - Governor George W. Bush

    "The future will be better tomorrow."
    - Governor George W. Bush

    "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
    - Governor George W. Bush

    "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
    - Governor George W. Bush

    "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
    - Governor George W. Bush

    "Public speaking is very easy."
    - Governor George W. Bush

    "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
    - Governor George W. Bush

    "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
    - Governor George W. Bush

    "For NASA, space is still a high priority."
    - Governor George W. Bush

    "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
    - Governor George W. Bush

    "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
    - Governor George W. Bush

    "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
    - Governor George W. Bush



    "I think there were some differences, there's no question, and will still be. We're talking about a major, major situation here that requires constant work. But it was well worth it and there's much more to it than just this - I mean just these sixteen accomplishments or whatever: I mean, we've got a major rapport - relationship of economics, major in the security, and all of that, we should not lose sight of."
    --1/10/92 to reporters, on his trip to Japan

    "Please don't look at the part of the glass that is only half full."

    "No you're not going to see me stay put... I am not going to forsake my responsibilities. You may not see me put as much - I mean, un-put as much"

    "You cannot be president of the United States of you don't have faith. Remember Lincoln, going to his knees in times of trial and the Civil War and all that stuff. You can't be. And we are blessed. So don't feel sorry for - don't cry for me, Argentina."

    "I think I've got to do better in making clear what the message is, and I think I can do better. But I think there's so much noise out there that I've got to figure out how to make it clearer that we are for the things that I have advocated that would help."

    "Your dedication and tireless work with the hostage thing, with Central America, really give me cause for great pride in you and thanks. Get some turkey, George Bush."
    -- Vice President George Bush in a written expression of gratitude to Oliver North, circa Thanksgiving 1985. Read by North during his interview with Ted Koppel on "Nightline," 10/22/91

    "I don't want to just sit here blaming Congress. I mean, we're all in this together."
    --President Bush, 11/20/91 to news anchor Bill Stuart of KCNC-TV, Denver.
    "I think the Congress should be blamed."
    --several minutes later, to Warner Saunders of WMAQ-TV, Chicago.

    "If a frog had wings, he wouldn't hit his tail on the ground. 'If.' Too hypothetical."

    "And let me say in conclusion, thanks for the kids. I learned an awful lot about bathtub toys - about how to work the telephone. One guy knows - several of them know their own phone numbers - preparation to go to the dentist. A lot of things I'd forgotten. So it's been a good day."
    -- January 21, at a Head Start center in Catonsville, Maryland

    "The guy over there at Pease - a woman actually - she said something about a country-western song about the train, a light at the end of the tunnel... I only hope it's not a train coming the other way. Well, I said to her, well, I'm a country music fan. I love it, always have. Doesn't fit the mold of some of the columnists, I might add, but nevertheless - of what they think I ought to fit in, but I love it. You should have been with me at the c.m.a. awards at Nashville. But nevertheless, I said to them there's another one that the Nitty Ditty Nitty Gritty Great Bird - and it says if you want to see a rainbow you've got to stand a little rain. We've had a little rain. New Hampshire has had too much rain."

    "And so I do understand New Hampshire because I have this wonderfully warm feeling that New Hampshire feels exactly the way we do on these questions of family values and faith. Somebody said to me, we prayed for you over there. That was not just because I threw up on the Prime Minister of Japan, either. Where was he when I needed him? I said, let me tell you something. And I say this - I don't know whether any ministers from the episcopal church are here - I hope so. But I said to him this: You're on to something here. You cannot be President of the United States if you don't have faith. It's been great. I'll go back to Washington all fired up for tomorrow and tackle the President or the Prime Minister of this or the Governor of that coming in. But I'll have this heartbeat..."

    "You're burning up time. The meter is running through the sand on you and I am now fillibustering."

    "I see this glass not half-empty, but half-full and more."

    "Ours is a great state, and we don't like limits of any kind. Ricky Clunn is one of the great bass fishermen. He's a Texas young guy, and he's a very competitive fisherman, and he talked about learning to fish wading in the creeks behind his dad. He in his underwear went wading in the creeks behind his father, and he said - as a fisherman he said it's great to grow up in a country with no limits..."

    "Somebody - somebody asked me, what's it take to win? I said to them, I can't remember, what does it take to win the Super Bowl? Or maybe Steinbrenner, my friend George, will tell us what it takes for the Yanks to win - one run. But I went over to the Strawberry Festival this morning, and ate a piece of shortcake over there - able to enjoy it right away, and once I completed it, it didn't have to be approved by Congress - I just went ahead and ate it - and that leads me into what I want to talk to you about today..."
    --March 4, at a fund-raising lunch in Tampa, Florida



    Anyway, I'm so thankful, and so gracious - I'm gracious that my brother Jeb is concerned about the hemisphere as well." -George W. Bush, June 4, 2001

    "It's important for young men and women who look at the Nebraska champs to understand that quality of life is more than just blocking shots." -George W. Bush, in remarks to the University of Nebraska women's volleyball team, the 2001 national champions, May 31, 2001

    "So on behalf of a well-oiled unit of people who came together to serve something greater than themselves, congratulations." -George W. Bush, in remarks to the University of Nebraska women's volleyball team, the 2001 national champions, May 31, 2001

    "If a person doesn't have the capacity that we all want that person to have, I suspect hope is in the far distant future, if at all." -George W. Bush, May 22, 2001

    "For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it." -George W. Bush, May 14

    "There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead." -George W. Bush, May 11, 2001

    "But I also made it clear to (Vladimir Putin) that it's important to think beyond the old days of when we had the concept that if we blew each other up, the world would be safe." -George W. Bush, May 1, 2001

    "First, we would not accept a treaty that would not have been ratified, nor a treaty that I thought made sense for the country." -George W. Bush, on the Kyoto accord, April 24, 2001

    "It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce." -George W. Bush, at the Summit of the Americas in Quebec City, April 21, 2001

    "Neither in French nor in English nor in Mexican." -George W. Bush, declining to take reporters' questions during a photo op with Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien, April 21, 2001

    "It is time to set aside the old partisan bickering and finger-pointing and name-calling that comes from freeing parents to make different choices for their children." -George W. Bush, on "parental empowerment in education," April 12, 2001

    "I think we're making progress. We understand where the power of this country lay. It lays in the hearts and souls of Americans. It must lay in our pocketbooks. It lays in the willingness for people to work hard. But as importantly, it lays in the fact that we've got citizens from all walks of life, all political parties, that are willing to say, I want to love my neighbor. I want to make somebody's life just a little bit better." -George W. Bush, April 11, 2001

    "This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end." -George W. Bush, April 10, 2001

    "It would be helpful if we opened up ANWR (Arctic National Wildlife Refuge). I think it's a mistake not to. And I would urge you all to travel up there and take a look at it, and you can make the determination as to how beautiful that country is." -George W. Bush, at a White House Press conference, March 29, 2001

    "I've coined new words, like, misunderstanding and Hispanically." -George W. Bush, speaking at the Radio & Television Correspondents dinner, March 29, 2001

    "A lot of times in the rhetoric, people forget the facts. And the facts are that thousands of small businesses - Hispanically owned or otherwise - pay taxes at the highest marginal rate." -George W. Bush, speaking to the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, March 19, 2001

    "But the true threats to stability and peace are these nations that are not very transparent, that hide behind the-that don't let people in to take a look and see what they're up to. They're very kind of authoritarian regimes. The true threat is whether or not one of these people decide, peak of anger, try to hold us hostage, ourselves; the Israelis, for example, to whom we'll defend, offer our defenses; the South Koreans." -George W. Bush, in a media roundtable discussion, March 13, 2001

    "I do think we need for a troop to be able to house his family. That's an important part of building morale in the military." -George W. Bush, speaking at Tyndall Air Force Base in Florida, March 12, 2001

    "I suspect that had my dad not been president, he'd be asking the same questions: How'd your meeting go with so-and-so? . How did you feel when you stood up in front of the people for the State of the Union Address-state of the budget address, whatever you call it." -George W. Bush, in an interview with the Washington Post, March 9, 2001

    "Ann and I will carry out this equivocal message to the world: Markets must be open." -George W. Bush, at the swearing-in ceremony for Secretary of Agriculture Ann Veneman, March 2, 2001

    "My pan plays down an unprecedented amount of our national debt." -George W. Bush, in his budget address to Congress, Feb. 27, 2001

    "I have said that the sanction regime is like Swiss cheese - that meant that they weren't very effective." -George W. Bush, during a White House press conference, Feb. 22, 2001

    "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' -George W. Bush, Feb. 21, 2001

    "It's good to see so many friends here in the Rose Garden. This is our first event in this beautiful spot, and it's appropriate we talk about policy that will affect people's lives in a positive way in such a beautiful, beautiful part of our national - really, our national park system, my guess is you would want to call it."-George W. Bush, Feb. 8, 2001

    "We're concerned about AIDS inside our White House - make no mistake about it." -George W. Bush, Feb. 7, 2001

    "There's no such thing as legacies. At least, there is a legacy, but I'll never see it." -George W. Bush, speaking to Catholic leaders at the White House, Jan. 31, 2001

    "I appreciate that question because I, in the state of Texas, had heard a lot of discussion about a faith-based initiative eroding the important bridge between church and state." -George W. Bush, speaking to reporters, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2001

    "I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well." -George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2001

    "Then I went for a run with the other dog and just walked. And I started thinking about a lot of things. I was able to - I can't remember what it was. Oh, the inaugural speech, started thinking through that." -George W. Bush, in a pre-inaugural interview with U.S. News & World Report

    "Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2001

    "I'm hopeful. I know there is a lot of ambition in Washington, obviously. But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2001

    "The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2001

    "If he's - the inference is that somehow he thinks slavery is a - is a noble institution I would - I would strongly reject that assumption - that John Ashcroft is a open-minded, inclusive person."-George W. Bush, Jan. 2001

    "She's just trying to make sure Anthony gets a good meal - Antonio." -George W. Bush, on Laura Bush inviting Justice Antonin Scalia to dinner at the White House, Jan. 2001

    "I want it to be said that the Bush administration was a results-oriented administration, because I believe the results of focusing our attention and energy on teaching children to read and having an education system that's responsive to the child and to the parents, as opposed to mired in a system that refuses to change, will make America what we want it to be - a more literate country and a hopefuller country." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2001


    "Neither in French nor in English nor in Mexican.".Declining to answer reporters' questions at the Summit of the Americas, Quebec City, Canada, April 21, 2001

    "We must have the attitude that every child in America.regardless of where they're raised or how they're born.can learn.".New Britain, Conn., April 18, 2001

    "It is time to set aside the old partisan bickering and finger-pointing and name-calling that comes from freeing parents to make different choices for their children.".Remarks on "parental empowerment in education," Washington, D.C., April 12, 2001

    "I think we're making progress. We understand where the power of this country lay. It lays in the hearts and souls of Americans. It must lay in our pocketbooks. It lays in the willingness for people to work hard. But as importantly, it lays in the fact that we've got citizens from all walks of life, all political parties, that are willing to say, I want to love my neighbor. I want to make somebody's life just a little bit better.".Concord Middle School, Concord, N.C., April 11, 2001

    "This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end.".Washington, D.C., April 10, 2001

    "The Senate needs to leave enough money in the proposed budget to not only reduce all marginal rates, but to eliminate the death tax, so that people who build up assets are able to transfer them from one generation to the next, regardless of a person's race.".Washington, D.C., April 5, 2001

    "It would be helpful if we opened up ANWR (Arctic National Wildlife Refuge). I think it's a mistake not to. And I would urge you all to travel up there and take a look at it, and you can make the determination as to how beautiful that country is.".Press conference, Washington, D.C., March 29, 2001

    "I've coined new words, like, misunderstanding and Hispanically.".Radio-Television Correspondents Association dinner, Washington, D.C., March 29, 2001

    "And we need a full affront on an energy crisis that is real in California and looms for other parts of our country if we don't move quickly.".Press conference, Washington, D.C., March 29, 2001

    "I assured the prime minister, my administration will work hard to lay the foundation of peace in the Middle.to work with our nations in the Middle East, give peace a chance. Secondly, I told him that our nation will not try to force peace, that we'll facilitate peace and that we will work with those responsible for a peace.".Photo opportunity with Ariel Sharon, Washington, D.C., March 20, 2001

    "There are some monuments where the land is so widespread, they just encompass as much as possible. And the integral part of the.the precious part, so to speak.I guess all land is precious, but the part that the people uniformly would not want to spoil, will not be despoiled. But there are parts of the monument lands where we can explore without affecting the overall environment.".Media round table, Washington, D.C. March 13, 2001

    "A lot of times in the rhetoric, people forget the facts. And the facts are that thousands of small businesses.Hispanically owned or otherwise.pay taxes at the highest marginal rate.".to the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce; Washington, D.C., March 19, 2001

    "But the true threats to stability and peace are these nations that are not very transparent, that hide behind the.that don't let people in to take a look and see what they're up to. They're very kind of authoritarian regimes. The true threat is whether or not one of these people decide, peak of anger, try to hold us hostage, ourselves; the Israelis, for example, to whom we'll defend, offer our defenses; the South Koreans.".Media roundtable, Washington, D.C., March 13, 2001

    "I do think we need for a troop to be able to house his family. That's an important part of building morale in the military.".Tyndall Air Force Base, Florida, March 12, 2001

    "I suspect that had my dad not been president, he'd be asking the same questions: How'd your meeting go with so-and-so? . How did you feel when you stood up in front of the people for the State of the Union Address.state of the budget address, whatever you call it.".Interview with the Washington Post, March 9, 2001

    "I think there is some methodology in my travels." .Washington, D.C., March 5, 2001

    "I'm also honored to be here with the speaker of the House.just happens to be from the state of Illinois. I'd like to describe the speaker as a trustworthy man. He's the kind of fellow who says when he gives you his word he means it. Sometimes that doesn't happen all the time in the political process.".Chicago, March 6, 2001

    "Ann and I will carry out this equivocal message to the world: Markets must be open.".Swearing-in ceremony for Secretary of Agriculture Ann Veneman, Washington, D.C., March 2, 2001

    "Of all states that understands local control of schools, Iowa is such a state.".Council Bluffs, Iowa, Feb. 28, 2001

    "Those of us who spent time in the agricultural sector and in the heartland, we understand how unfair the death penalty is.".Omaha, Neb., Feb. 28, 2001

    "My pan plays down an unprecedented amount of our national debt.".Budget address to Congress, Feb. 27, 2001

    "The budget caps were busted, mightily so. And we are reviewing with people like Judd Gregg from New Hampshire and others some budgetary reform measures that will reinstate.you know, possibly reinstate budgetary discipline. But the caps no longer.the caps, I guess they're there. But they didn't mean much.".Washington, D.C., Feb. 5, 2001

    "I have said that the sanction regime is like Swiss cheese.that meant that they weren't very effective.".White House press conference, Washington, D.C., Feb. 22, 2001

    "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.''.Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001

    "Home is important. It's important to have a home.".Crawford, Texas, Feb. 18, 2001

    "One reason I like to highlight reading is, reading is the beginnings of the ability to be a good student. And if you can't read, it's going to be hard to realize dreams; it's going to be hard to go to college. So when your teachers say, read.you ought to listen to her.".Nalle Elementary School, Washington, D.C., Feb 9, 2001

    "It's good to see so many friends here in the Rose Garden. This is our first event in this beautiful spot, and it's appropriate we talk about policy that will affect people's lives in a positive way in such a beautiful, beautiful part of our national.really, our national park system, my guess is you would want to call it.".Washington, D.C., Feb. 8, 2001

    "We're concerned about AIDS inside our White House.make no mistake about it.".Washington, D.C., Feb. 7, 2001

    "I appreciate that question because I, in the state of Texas, had heard a lot of discussion about a faith-based initiative eroding the important bridge between church and state.".Question and answer session with the press, Jan. 29, 2001

    "This case has had full analyzation and has been looked at a lot. I understand the emotionality of death penalty cases." - Seattle Post-Intelligencer, June 23, 2000

    "States should have the right to enact reasonable laws and restrictions particularly to end the inhumane practice of ending a life that otherwise could live.".Cleveland, June 29, 2000

    "Unfairly but truthfully, our party has been tagged as being against things. Anti-immigrant, for example. And we're not a party of anti-immigrants. Quite the opposite. We're a party that welcomes people.".Cleveland, July 1, 2000

    "The fundamental question is, 'Will I be a successful president when it comes to foreign policy?' I will be, but until I'm the president, it's going to be hard for me to verify that I think I'll be more effective.".In Wayne, Mich., as quoted by Katharine Q. Seelye in the New York Times, June 28, 2000

    "The only things that I can tell you is that every case I have reviewed I have been comfortable with the innocence or guilt of the person that I've looked at. I do not believe we've put a guilty ... I mean innocent person to death in the state of Texas." All Things Considered, NPR, June 16, 2000

    "I'm gonna talk about the ideal world, Chris. I've read.I understand reality. If you're asking me as the president, would I understand reality, I do.".On abortion, Hardball, MSNBC; May 31, 2000

    "There's not going to be enough people in the system to take advantage of people like me.".On the coming Social Security crisis; Wilton, Conn.; June 9, 2000

    "I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating.".U.S. News & World Report, April 3, 2000

    Bush: "First of all, Cinco de Mayo is not the independence day. That's diecisis de Septiembre, and ...

    "Matthews: "What's that in English?"

    Bush: "Fifteenth of September." (Diecisis de Septiembre = Sept. 16).Hardball, MSNBC, May 31, 2000

    "Actually, I.this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about.when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me.".Ibid.

    "This is a world that is much more uncertain than the past. In the past we were certain, we were certain it was us versus the Russians in the past. We were certain, and therefore we had huge nuclear arsenals aimed at each other to keep the peace. That's what we were certain of. ... You see, even though it's an uncertain world, we're certain of some things. We're certain that even though the 'evil empire' may have passed, evil still remains. We're certain there are people that can't stand what America stands for. ... We're certain there are madmen in this world, and there's terror, and there's missiles and I'm certain of this, too: I'm certain to maintain the peace, we better have a military of high morale, and I'm certain that under this administration, morale in the military is dangerously low.".Albuquerque, N.M., the Washington Post, May 31, 2000

    "He has certainly earned a reputation as a fantastic mayor, because the results speak for themselves. I mean, New York's a safer place for him to be.".On Rudy Giuliani, The Edge With Paula Zahn, May 18, 2000

    "The fact that he relies on facts.says things that are not factual.are going to undermine his campaign.".New York Times, March 4, 2000

    "I think we agree, the past is over.".On his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000

    "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."--Reuters, May 5, 2000

    GOV. BUSH: Because the picture on the newspaper. It just seems so un-American to me, the picture of the guy storming the house with a scared little boy there. I talked to my little brother, Jeb.I haven't told this to many people. But he's the governor of.I shouldn't call him my little brother--my brother, Jeb, the great governor of Texas.
    JIM LEHRER: Florida.
    GOV. BUSH: Florida. The state of the Florida..
    The NewsHour With Jim Lehrer, April 27, 2000

    "I hope we get to the bottom of the answer. It's what I'm interested to know.".On what happened in negotiations between the Justice Department and Elin Gonzlez's Miami relatives, as quoted by the Associated Press, April 26, 2000

    "Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis.".CNBC, April 15, 2000

    "You subscribe politics to it. I subscribe freedom to it.".Responding to a question about whether he and Al Gore were making the Elin Gonzlez case a political issue. In Palm Beach, Fla., as quoted by the Associated Press, April 6, 2000

    "I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.".In Los Angeles as quoted by the Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000

    "Reading is the basics for all learning.".Announcing his "Reading First" initiative in Reston, Va., March 28, 2000

    "We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the obligations, their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to teach the science of reading. In order to make sure there's not this kind of federal.federal cufflink.".At Fritsche Middle School, Milwaukee, March 30, 2000

    "Other Republican candidates may retort to personal attacks and negative ads.".Fund-raising letter from George W. Bush, quoted in the Washington Post, March 24, 2000

    "I've got a reason for running. I talk about a larger goal, which is to call upon the best of America. It's part of the renewal. I6t's reform and renewal. Part of the renewal is a set of high standards and to remind people that the greatness of America really does depend on neighbors helping neighbors and children finding mentors. I worry. I'm very worried about, you know, the kid who just wonders whether America is meant for him. I really worry about that. And uh, so, I'm running for a reason. I'm answering this question here and the answer is, you cannot lead America to a positive tomorrow with revenge on one's mind. Revenge is so incredibly negative. And so to answer your question, I'm going to win because people sense my heart, know my sense of optimism and know where I want to lead the country. And I tease people by saying, 'A leader, you can't say, follow me the world is going to be worse.' I'm an optimistic person. I'm an inherently content person. I've got a great sense of where I want to lead and I'm comfortable with why I'm running. And, you know, the call on that speech was, beware. This is going to be a tough campaign.".Interview with the Washington Post, March 23, 2000

    "People make suggestions on what to say all the time. I'll give you an example; I don't read what's handed to me. People say, 'Here, here's your speech, or here's an idea for a speech.' They're changed. Trust me.".Interview with the New York Times, March 15, 2000

    "It's evolutionary, going from governor to president, and this is a significant step, to be able to vote for yourself on the ballot, and I'll be able to do so next fall, I hope.".In an interview with the Associated Press, March 8, 2000

    "It is not Reaganesque to support a tax plan that is Clinton in nature.''.Los Angeles, Feb. 23, 2000

    "I don't have to accept their tenants. I was trying to convince those college students to accept my tenants. And I reject any labeling me because I happened to go to the university.".Today, Feb. 23, 2000

    "I understand small business growth. I was one.".New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2001

    "The senator has got to understand if he's going to have.he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road.".To reporters in Florence, S.C., Feb. 17, 2000

    "Really proud of it. A great campaign. And I'm really pleased with the organization and the thousands of South Carolinians that worked on my behalf. And I'm very gracious and humbled.".To Cokie Roberts, This Week, Feb. 20, 2000

    "I don't want to win? If that were the case why the heck am I on the bus 16 hours a day, shaking thousands of hands, giving hundreds of speeches, getting pillared in the press and cartoons and still staying on message to win?".Newsweek, Feb. 28, 2000

    "I thought how proud I am to be standing up beside my dad. Never did it occur to me that he would become the gist for cartoonists.".ibid.

    "If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.".Hilton Head, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000

    "How do you know if you don't measure if you have a system that simply suckles kids through?".Explaining the need for educational accountability in Beaufort, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000

    "We ought to make the pie higher.".South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb. 15, 2000

    "I do not agree with this notion that somehow if I go to try to attract votes and to lead people toward a better tomorrow somehow I get subscribed to some.some doctrine gets subscribed to me.".Meet The Press, Feb. 13, 2000

    "I've changed my style somewhat, as you know. I'm less.I pontificate less, although it may be hard to tell it from this show. And I'm more interacting with people.".ibid

    "I think we need not only to eliminate the tollbooth to the middle class, I think we should knock down the tollbooth.".Nashua, N.H., as quoted by Gail Collins in the New York Times, Feb. 1, 2000

    "The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.".Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, Jan. 30, 2000

    "Will the highways on the Internet become more few?".Concord, N.H., Jan. 29, 2000

    "This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve.".Speaking during "Perseverance Month" at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, N.H. As quoted in the Los Angeles Times, Jan. 28, 2000

    "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.".Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

    "What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.''.Quoted by Molly Ivins, the San Francisco Chronicle, Jan. 21, 2000

    "When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were," he said. "It was us vs. them, and it was clear who them was. Today, we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there.".Iowa Western Community College, Jan 21, 2000

    "The administration I'll bring is a group of men and women who are focused on what's best for America, honest men and women, decent men and women, women who will see service to our country as a great privilege and who will not stain the house.".Des Moines Register debate, Iowa, Jan. 15, 2000

    "This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mential losses.".At a South Carolina oyster roast, as quoted in the Financial Times, Jan. 14, 2000

    "We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself.".ibid.

    "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?".Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

    "Gov. Bush will not stand for the subsidation of failure.".ibid.

    "There needs to be debates, like we're going through. There needs to be town-hall meetings. There needs to be travel. This is a huge country.".Larry King Live, Dec. 16, 1999

    "I read the newspaper.".In answer to a question about his reading habits, New Hampshire Republican Debate, Dec. 2, 1999

    "I think it's important for those of us in a position of responsibility to be firm in sharing our experiences, to understand that the babies out of wedlock is a very difficult chore for mom and baby alike. ... I believe we ought to say there is a different alternative than the culture that is proposed by people like Miss Wolf in society. ... And, you know, hopefully, condoms will work, but it hasn't worked.".Meet the Press, Nov. 21, 1999

    "The students at Yale came from all different backgrounds and all parts of the country. Within months, I knew many of them.".From A Charge To Keep, by George W. Bush, published November 1999

    "It is incredibly presumptive for somebody who has not yet earned his party's nomination to start speculating about vice presidents.".Keene, N.H., Oct. 22, 1999, quoted in the New Republic, Nov. 15, 1999

    "The important question is, How many hands have I shaked?".Answering a question about why he hasn't spent more time in New Hampshire, in the New York Times, Oct. 23, 1999

    "I don't remember debates. I don't think we spent a lot of time debating it. Maybe we did, but I don't remember.".On discussions of the Vietnam War when he was an undergraduate at Yale, Washington Post, July 27, 1999

    "The only thing I know about Slovakia is what I learned first-hand from your foreign minister, who came to Texas.".To a Slovak journalist as quoted by Knight Ridder News Service, June 22, 1999. Bush's meeting was with Janez Drnovsek, the prime minister of Slovenia.

    "If the East Timorians decide to revolt, I'm sure I'll have a statement.".Quoted by Maureen Dowd in the New York Times, June 16, 1999

    "Keep good relations with the Grecians.".Quoted in the Economist, June 12, 1999

    "Kosovians can move back in.".CNN Inside Politics, April 9, 1999

    "It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then.".From a 1994 interview, as quoted in First Son, by Bill Minutaglio


    George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

    George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"

    The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

    George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"

    The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

    George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

    The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes, I am."

    George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert."


    Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

    Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

    Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

    Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

    The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

    Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

    Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

    Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

    Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

    Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

    George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

    Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."


    George Washington and the Cherry Tree
    The new vesions

    Version 1

    (For those who aren't familiar with the story of George Washington
    and the cherry tree, let me give you the 30 second version. George
    Washington, the first President of the United States, was known for
    his truthfulness, even as a child. The story tells that young George
    chopped down a cherry tree and when his father asked him about it,
    he told his father the truth. George was not punished because of his
    truthfulness. You can figure out the moral of the story.

    Now, imagine if this happened in today's world .....)

    "George Washington, did YOU chop down the cherry tree?"

    "No, Dad."

    "I think you are lying."

    "No, no, no! I swear I did NOT chop down the cherry tree."

    "Son, I saw you out here with your axe. Your punishment will be
    much worse for you if you lie. Now, tell me the truth!"

    "Dad, I answered your question truthfully. Still, I must take
    complete responsibility for all my actions. While my answer was
    legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.

    "Indeed, Dad, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the ground.
    To do this was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment
    and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely

    "I know my answer to you gave a false impression. I misled you, my
    own father. I deeply regret that.

    "I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a
    desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.

    "I was also very concerned about protecting Mom from this shock.

    "What I did, Dad, was use a saw to cause the cherry tree to fall.
    Only after the tree was already down did I go get my axe to chop off
    individual branches.

    "So, I chopped off branches, but sawed down the tree. Look at the saw
    cut on the stump and the axe cuts on the branches. Therefore,
    legally, I told the truth.

    "I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of this fallen tree and to
    return our attention to a solid family relationship."

    Version 2

    There has been a recent discovery among archives shedding
    new information regarding George Washington's famous line
    "I can not tell a lie - I chopped down the Cherry Tree"
    It seems that someone was hiding nearby during the
    following discussion and copied this on parchment.


    "George, son, did you chop down the cherry tree?"

    "No, Dad."

    "Son, because I trust you and have given you the privilege
    of running the plantation while I'm gone as a symbol of that
    trust, I'm going to believe you."


    "George, your brother was talking to one of our slaves,
    and the slave told him he saw you chop down that cherry
    tree last winter. Did you?"

    "No, Dad."

    "I think you are lying."

    "No, no, no! I swear I did NOT chop down the cherry tree."

    "Son, he saw you out here with your axe. Your punishment
    will be much worse for you if you lie. Now, tell me the truth!"

    "Dad, I answered your question truthfully. Still, I must take
    complete responsibility for all my actions. While my answer
    was legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. Indeed,
    Dad, I did cause the cherry tree to be lying on the ground.
    To do this was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in
    judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am
    solely and completely responsible. I know my answer to you
    gave a false impression. I misled you, my own father. I
    deeply regret that. I can only tell you I was motivated
    by many factors.

    " What I did, Dad, was use a saw to cause the cherry
    tree to fall. Only after the tree was already down did
    I go get my axe to chop off individual branches. So,
    I chopped off branches, but sawed down the tree.
    Look at the saw cut on the stump and the axe cuts on the
    branches. Therefore, legally, I told the truth. I ask you
    to turn away from the spectacle of this fallen tree and
    to return our attention to a solid family relationship.
    After all, who's going to remember a cherry tree as a
    symbol of my character and ability to lead?"


    Georgy Bush
    By Don Clinchy

    To read news articles about the Bush references in these lyrics,
    click on the highlighted text at the
    author's website. The website also
    contains wav files of the song.

    Hey there, Georgy Bush,
    Swinging round the country fancy free,
    Nobody you meet could ever see
    The cluelessness there -- inside you.

    Hey there, Georgy Bush,
    Why do all the issues pass you by?
    Could it be you dont care why,
    Or is it the cash youve raised?
    Youre always taking money, but never taking a stand
    And when you do, you are just a pan -- dering nitwit.

    Hey there, Georgy Bush,
    Theres a spoiled rich kid deep inside.
    Bring out all the dirt you hide,
    And oh, what a change thered be.
    The world would see
    The true Georgy Bush.

    (Instrumental bridge)

    Hey there, Georgy Bush,
    Whining bout a website parody,
    Whats the matter, dont you understand
    The First Amendment -- well, we do!

    Hey there, Georgy Bush,
    Geography is something you dont know
    Slovakias a place, but no
    It is not Slovenia.
    Youre always mispronouncing the names of foreigners, too;
    The Grecians are saying, "Shame on you -- dumb Texian!"

    Hey there, Georgy Bush,
    You wont contradict the NRA;
    Massacres must be okay
    At home, work, and even school,
    Guns are cool
    With you, Georgy Bush.

    (Instrumental bridge)

    Hey there, Georgy Bush,
    Dreamin of the leader you could be,
    Here is the reality:
    Youre nothing without your name.
    Dont be so cocky just because youre ahead at the start;
    Money cant buy Americas heart -- just ask Steve Forbes.

    Hey there, Georgy Bush,
    Theres a right-wing puppet deep inside.
    Makes us want to run and hide,
    And its such a shame to see
    That you could be
    Our next president.

    Ad lib and fade:
    (Hey there, Georgy Bush.)
    Drop out, Georgy Bush.
    (Hey there, Georgy Bush.)
    Go home, Georgy Bush.
    (Hey there, Georgy Bush.)
    Give up, Georgy Bush.


    What happens when a president gets elected in years ending with zero (which of course happens only every 20 years)?

    • 1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office)
    • 1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated)
    • 1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated)
    • 1900: William McKinley (Assassinated)
    • 1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office)
    • 1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office)
    • 1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated)
    • 1980: Ronald Reagan (Barely Survived Assassination Attempt and left suffering from Alzheimer's)

    Now....want a re-count, George???


    A tribute to William Jefferson Clinton to be sung to the tune of "Candle in the Wind"

    Goodbye Bubba's Jeans
    Though you always grew in your pants
    You had the grace to hold yourself,
    Till a woman graced the room.
    You called out through the country,
    While you whispered to those babes in pain,
    You can take me to heaven
    And then deny it all the same!

    And it seems to me you spent your terms
    Keeping Bimbos on the run:
    Always knowing where to turn to
    When you wanted some.
    And your footsteps will always fall where,
    Women like guys named Bill
    Your legacy will never last
    But your libido always will.

    Goodbye Bubba's jeans
    The nation will miss your style
    We'll miss that pouting lip
    That trembled when you felt our pain.
    And even though we'll try
    The truth that you are really gone
    Will bring us all to tears;
    When your wife is no longer running things.

    And it seems to me you spent your terms
    Keeping Bimbos on the run:
    Always knowing where to turn to
    When you wanted some.
    And your footsteps will always fall where,
    Women like guys named Bill
    Your legacy will never last
    But your libido always will.

    Goodbye Bubba's jeans,
    You wanted to be just like JFK
    And now you've done it,
    Making Monica your Marilyn Monroe.
    We hope that it was worth it,
    Dragging the country through the mud,
    So you could satisfy that urge,
    The one that's run you out of town.

    And it seems to me you spent your terms
    Keeping Bimbos on the run:
    Always knowing where to turn to
    When you wanted some.
    And your footsteps will always fall where,
    Women like guys named Bill
    Your legacy will never last


    I wanted you to know that I got ahold of Al Gore's first draft of his concession speech. I'm told Vice President Gore wrote this out himself when the Supreme Court shut down his chances for being elected President. So, here it is, uncut, and in its entirety.

    "What a pisser. What a goddamned pisser of an election.

    "Yo, Bush. Suck my big ass hog leg. I'm not conceding a goddamned thing. Yer Daddy packed that collection of right wing wackos on the Supreme Court and every damned one of 'em of those wackos voted against me. They best be watching their back because I'm *still* the Vice Prez for a few more days and I *do* know where I can get my hands on some assault weapons.

    "Pat Buchanan and Ralph Nader: take note of what I just told those right wing wackos on the Supreme Court. You better get your goddamned wills in order, because I'm the one who took care of Vince Foster and, by God, you assholes are next.

    "Those of you ignorant ass morons in Palm Beach: Hey, thanks a lot, you dumbasses. Next time, before you go to the goddamned polling booth, take your fucking Geritol so you've got enough strength to punch through a fucking paper ballot. You clowns cost me the election.

    "To the 50% of Americans who didn't even bother to get off their lazy asses in front of the Internet that I built: Now you're getting Dan Quayle Jr. as the leader of the free world. Shit fire, had you all voted and written in "Goofy" you would have been better off.

    "And to my home state of Tennessee. The "Volunteer State." Well, I got your "volunteer" hanging right HERE, you bunch of backwood first-cousin-fucking hicks.

    "All of you assholes lost this election for me. I said I'd fight for you so it's for goddamned sure not *my* fault. I'll be back in four years, so you better get your shit together or I'll sic Tipper on your ass and make Hillary my Vice President.

    "What a pisser."


    There were Bushisms and Quayleisms, and now there are Goreisms.....

    • "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
    • "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
    • "Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
    • "Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
    • "Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
    • "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
    • "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
    • "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
    • "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"
    • "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
    • "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
    • "The future will be better tomorrow."
    • "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
    • "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
    • "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
    • "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
    • "Public speaking is very easy."
    • "I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."
    • "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
    • "When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
    • "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
    • "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
    • "For NASA, space is still a high priority."
    • "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
    • "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."
    • "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
    • "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
    • "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

    Government Official Customer Service Card

    Dear Special Interest Customer,

    Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official (TM).
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    'Twas the Night Before Christmas
    - Written by the Government

    'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
    Yuletide celebration, and throughout the place of residence, kinetic
    activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential,
    including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus (mouse).
    Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood
    burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure
    regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among
    whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

    The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
    accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
    hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
    through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our
    nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the
    hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the
    grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt
    compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose
    of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

    Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this
    fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,
    reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline
    precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself
    - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a
    miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive
    specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur
    so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he
    was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power
    traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than
    patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath
    musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by
    his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. -
    guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which
    structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the
    32 cloven pedal extremities.

    As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
    performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -
    with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke
    passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony
    residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on
    the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed
    largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in
    a commodious cloth receptacle.

    His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
    submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
    amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance
    were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
    former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the
    latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and
    supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their
    ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and
    columnar crystals of frozen water.

    Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey
    fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a
    decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was
    high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region
    undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical
    container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese,
    jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me
    visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By
    rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head
    slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was

    Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
    aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned
    articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously
    dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he
    executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral
    juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a
    gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by
    renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself
    in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of
    air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of
    burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable
    chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I
    overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his
    vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the
    planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest
    wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period
    between sunset and dawn."


    Have you heard? Early indications are there will be two less holidays in Washington, D.C. next year. Neither Halloween nor Thanksgiving will be observed as the witch is moving to New York and taking the turkey with her.


    Hotmail Inbox of George Bush - Political

    Representative Tim Moore sponsored a resolution in the Texas House of
    Representatives in Austin, Texas calling on the House to commend Albert
    de Salvo for his unselfish service to "his country, his state and his

    The resolution stated that "this compassionate gentleman's dedication and
    devotion to his work has enabled the weak and the lonely throughout the
    nation to achieve and maintain a new degree of concern for their future.
    He has been officially recognized by the state of Massachusetts for his
    noted activities and unconventional techniques involving population control
    and applied psychology."

    The resolution was passed unanimously.

    Representative Moore then revealed that he had only tabled the motion to
    show how the legislature passes bills and resolutions often without
    reading them or understanding what they say. Albert de Salvo was the Boston


    How Government Works

    Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said "someone may steal from it at night". So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

    Then Congress said, "how does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

    Then Congress said, "how will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

    Then Congress said, "how are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

    Then Congress said, "who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

    Then Congress said, "we have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

    So they laid off the night watchman.


    Patient: "Huh? What? Where am I?"

    Nurse: "You're in the hospital. You've been in a coma."

    Patient: "How long was I in a coma?"

    Nurse: "Ten years"

    Patient: "Wow... Who's President?"

    Nurse: "Bush"


    Patient: "How's the economy?"

    Nurse: "Lotta layoffs"


    Patient: "Who else is in the White House?"

    Nurse: "Cheney and Powell"


    Patient: "Are we by any chance bombing Iraq?"

    Nurse: "Yep"

    Patient: "HOW long was I..."

    Nurse: "Ten years"


    Virtually anyone can be a Democrat... Just simply quit thinking and vote that way! But if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some prerequisites you must have first. Compare the below and see how you rate:

    1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

    2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

    3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese communists.

    4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

    5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

    6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

    7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.

    8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

    9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists from Seattle do.

    10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

    11. You have to believe the militaries, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

    12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain other parts of the Constitution.

    13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

    14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinmen are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.

    15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

    16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.

    17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.

    18. You have to believe Republicans telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.

    19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

    20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

  10. You have to believe that 8 years of national prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush but that, yesterday's gas prices is all Clinton's fault.
  11. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.
  12. You have to be against government programs, but expect Social Security checks on-time.
  13. You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives, except to regulate opposite-gender marriages, what your official language should be, and what form of birth control, if any, you should use.
  14. You have to believe that pollution is ok, as long as it makes a profit.
  15. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.
  16. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
  17. You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body but that large multinational corporations should have no regulation or interference whatsoever.
  18. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.
  19. You have to believe that society is colorblind and, growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.
  20. You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50 million dollars to attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents have ever been unfaithful to their wives.
  21. You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all Americans.
  22. You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know, if teenagers don't have condoms, they won't have sex.
  23. You have to believe that the ACLU is bad because they defend the Constitution, while the NRA is good because they defend the Constitution.
  24. You have to believe that socialism hasn't worked anywhere, and that Europe doesn't exist.
  25. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away.
  26. You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is good reading.
  27. You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more Americans than handguns, alcohol, and tobacco.
  28. You have to believe that even though governments have supported the arts for 5000 years and that, most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such support. After all, the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don't need any.
  29. You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests andthe extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein.
  30. You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, and Bob Livingston for their marital infidelities, but Clinton should have been impeached.

    I Believe
    By Michael Kelly

    I believe the president. I have always believed him. I believed him
    when he said he had never been drafted in the Vietnam War and I
    believed him when he said he had forgotten to mention that he had been
    drafted in the Vietnam War. I believed him when he said he hadn't had
    sex with Gennifer Flowers and I believe him now, when he reportedly
    says he did.

    I believe the president did not rent out the Lincoln Bedroom, did not
    sell access to himself and the vice president to hundreds of
    well-heeled special pleaders and did not supervise the largest, most
    systematic money-laundering operation in campaign finance history,
    collecting more than $3 million in illegal and improper donations. I
    believe that Charlie Trie and James Riady were motivated by nothing
    but patriotism for their adopted country.

    I believed Vice President Gore when he said that he had made dunning
    calls to political contributors "on a few occasions" from his White
    House office, and I believed him when he said that, actually, "a few"
    meant 46. I believe in no controlling legal authority.

    I believe Bruce Babbitt when he says that the $286,000 contributed to
    the DNC by Indian tribes opposed to granting a casino license to rival
    tribes had nothing to do with his denial of the license. I believed
    the secretary when he said that he had not been instructed in this
    matter by then-White House deputy chief of staff Harold Ickes. I
    believed him when he said later that he had told lobbyist and friend
    Paul Eckstein that Ickes had told him to move on the casino decision,
    but that he had been lying to Eckstein. I agree with the secretary
    that it is an outrage that anyone would question his integrity.

    I believe in the Clinton Standard of adherence to the nation's
    campaign finance and bribery laws, enunciated by the president on
    March 7, 1997: "I don't believe you can find any evidence of the fact
    that I had changed government policy solely because of a
    contribution." I note with approval the use of the word "evidence"
    and also the use of the word "solely." I believe that it is proper to
    change government policy to address the concerns of people who have
    given the president money, as long as nobody can find evidence of this
    being the sole reason.

    I believe the president has lived up to his promise to preside over
    the most ethical administration in American history. I believe that
    indicted former agriculture secretary Mike Espy did not accept $35,000
    in illegal favors from Tyson Foods and other regulated businesses. I
    believe that indicted former housing secretary Henry Cisneros did not
    lie to the FBI and tell others to lie to cover up $250,000 in
    blackmail payments to his former mistress. I believe that convicted
    former associate attorney general Webster Hubbell was not involved in
    the obstruction of justice when the president's minions arranged for
    Hubbell to receive $400,000 in sweetheart consulting deals at a time
    when he was reneging on his promise to cooperate with Kenneth Starr's
    Whitewater investigation.

    I believe Paula Jones is a cheap tramp who was asking for it. I
    believe Kathleen Willey is a cheap tramp who was asking for it. I
    believe Monica Lewinsky is a cheap tramp who was asking for it.

    I believe Lewinsky was fantasizing in her 20 hours of taped
    conversation in which she reportedly detailed her sexual relationship
    with the president and begged Linda Tripp to join her in lying about
    the relationship. I believe that any gifts, correspondence, telephone
    calls and the 37 post-employment White House visits that may have
    passed between Lewinsky and the president are evidence only of a
    platonic relationship; such innocent intimate friendships are quite
    common between middle-aged married men and young single women, and
    also between presidents of the United States and White House interns.

    I see nothing suspicious in the report that the president's intimate,
    Vernon Jordan, arranged a $40,000-per-year job for Lewinsky shortly
    after she signed but before she filed an affidavit saying she had not
    had sex with the president. Nor do I read anything into the fact that
    the ambassador to the United Nations, Bill Richardson, visited
    Lewinsky at the Watergate to offer her a job. I believe the
    instructions Lewinsky gave Tripp informing her on how to properly
    perjure herself in the Willey matter simply wrote themselves.

    I believe that The Washington Post, the Los Angeles Times, The New
    York Times, Newsweek, Time, U.S. News & World Report, ABC, CBS, NBC,
    CNN, PBS and NPR are all part of a vast right-wing conspiracy.
    Especially NPR.


    Once there was a Presidential election that was too close to call. Neither Bush, the Republican candidate, nor Kerry, the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. Therefore it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the manly way to settle things. The candidate with the most fish at the end of the week would win.

    It was decided that the contest would take place on a remote, cold lake in Wisconsin. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.

    At the end of the first day Kerry returned to the starting line with 10 fish. Soon Bush returned with zero fish. At the end of the second day Kerry came in with 20 fish. Bush returned again with none.

    That evening Dick Cheney got together secretly with Bush and said, "I think Kerry is a lowlife cheatin' son-of-a-bitch. I want you go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing; just spy on him and see if he is cheatin' in some way."

    The next night (after Kerry comes in with 50 fish) Cheney says to Bush, "Well, what about it? Is Kerry cheatin?"

    "He sure is, Dick," says Bush with a smirk. "He's cutting holes in the ice."

    If Elian Gonzalez Was Jewish

    A 6 year old boy was found floating in the Atlantic Ocean today after being
    set adrift from Israel on a giant matzoh .

    The boy, Eliat Ginsburg, and his mother, set out from Israel in an attempt
    to reach the Jewish Homeland, Miami. They started out in a small boat, the
    S.S. Shanapunim, which capsized when the American captain forgot that ocean
    waves near Israel go from right to left. Eliat's heroic mother quickly
    pieced together the matzoh-raft and put him on it, then drowned under the weight of her gold jewelry. Her last words to her son were reported to be "Don't marry a Shiksa. She'll eat your HEART out.(glug) (glug)".

    Eliat was soon picked up by a passing Gefilte fishing boat, and taken to
    Miami, after a quick nosh, a nice piece cake, whatever.. There, he was
    turned over to the custody of his closest relatives, his great uncle, L'Chaim
    Ginsburg, and his 21 year old female cousin, M'shugena Ginsburg. He moved
    into their home in a Retirement Community on a golf course.

    Shortly thereafter, his father, Jacob Moses Ginsburg, who was still in
    Israel, was notified. He almost plotzed, and was taken to the Plotz Unit of
    a nearby hospital, where he was given a chicken soup capsule and released. He
    then demanded to come to the U.S. to bring his son back. Since it was Friday
    night, he walked to Miami.

    However, Eliat's Miami relatives opposed the way he was being raised in
    Israel. They claimed that in Israel, he had no freedom, no rights, no tennis
    lessons. Neighbors gathered around the Miami relatives' house to prevent the
    authorities for taking him away. They held up signs that read "Stay away!
    Every one of our sons are lawyers and they're single, too if you know a
    nice girl". Meanwhile, they plied the boy with gifts to show him how wonderful it was in America. He was given a Video game which was promptly taken away
    because it could take an eye out. He was then given a dreydl and played
    "Find the Afikomen" with his little cousins.

    When the father arrived in Miami, he was greeted by federal officials who
    warned him not to go to the Miami house, because it was dangerous. He
    responded, "What danger? There's no danger in Miami!".

    The Jewish media pounced on this story with all it's power. Headlines read
    "LITTLE BOY PLAYS OUTSIDE WITHOUT A SWEATER.". Talk shows posed questions like: What's more important, parenthood or politics? What if an American boy was held in Israel? Where can you get a nice sandwich in Miami? Guess how much I paid for this? It was ugly.

    The boy's cousin, M'Shugena, became his primary caretaker, because
    she had no job , no kids, no husband and no skills. The situation took a
    toll on her. Neiman Marcus and Loehmans's called to see why she hadn't been
    in. Unbeknownst to her, the federal government was planning a secret rescue
    operation, known as "Operation Circumcise", to remove the boy from the
    house and cut him off from his family. Just then, it happened. To get into the
    area unnoticed, they arrived in a van cleverly disguised to look like a
    Chinese food delivery truck, and stormed the house. Neighbors came running
    like a vance when they heard the code word "trafe". Hundreds of neighbors
    poured into the house in an attempt to prevent the boy from being taken, but
    they were slowed down by their need to kiss the mezuzah each time they
    entered. But a trap was set for the agents. To slow them down, M'Shugena had
    poured slippery chicken fat all over the floor. But the neighbors, armed
    only with menorahs, were no match for the agents and their weapons. The boy was
    taken to the waiting van, which would speed off to re-unite him with his
    waiting father, after making a few more deliveries.


    A Typical Daily Schedule if the Republicans
    Controlled PBS

    8:00 am Morning Stretch: Arnold Schwarzenegger does squats while
    reciting passages of "Atlas Shrugged."

    9:00 am Mr. Rogers' Segregated Neighborhood: King Friday sings
    "Elitism is neat." The House Un-American Activities investigation of
    Mr. McFeely continues. Mr. Rogers explains why certain kids can't be
    his neighbor.

    10:00 am Sesame Street: Jerry Falwell teaches Big Bird to be more
    judgemental. Oscar the Grouch plays substitute for Rush Limbaugh.
    Bert and Ernie are kicked out of the military. Jesse Helms bleaches all
    he Muppets white.

    11:00 am Square One: A MathNet episode "Ernest Does Trickle-Down."
    Jim Varney explains how cutting taxes for the rich and spending more on
    defense will balance the budget.

    Noon Washington Week in Review: Special guest Senator Bob Dole,
    explaining why the current pension crisis, budget deficit, bank
    closings, farm foreclosures, S & L bailouts, inflation, recession, job
    loss, and trade deficit can all be blamed on someone else.

    1:00 pm Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Guest detective Pat
    Buchanan helps kids build a wall around the U.S.

    2:00 pm William F. Buckley's Firing Line: Guests George Will, Rush
    Limbaugh, John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G.
    Gordon Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran,
    Paul Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin
    bemoan the need for more conservative media voices.

    3:00 pm Nature: Join James Watt and Charlton Heston as they use
    machine guns to bag endangered species.

    4:00 pm NOVA: "Creationism: Discredited, but what the hell?"

    5:00 pm Newt Gingrich News Hour: Clarence Thomas and Bob Packwood
    present in-depth personal reports on sexual harassment. Pat Buchanan
    says he is being shut out from national exposure.

    6:00 pm Mystery Theater: Hercule Poirot, Jane Marple, and Sherlock
    Holmes team up to investigate Whitewater.

    7:00 pm Great Performances: Pat Buchanan is a guest conductor of
    Wagner's "Prelude to a Cultural War."

    8:00 pm Masterpiece Theater: Ibsen's "A Doll's House." Phyllis
    Schafly adds to this classic with an added scene where Nora gladly
    gives up her independence while her husband chains her to the stove.

    9:30 pm Washington Week in Review: Guests George Will, Rush Limbaugh,
    John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G. Gordon
    Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran, Paul
    Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin discuss
    liberal media bias.

    10:00 pm Adam Smith's Money World: How to Profit from Ozone Depletion

    10:30 pm Nightly Business Report: Wall Street celebrates the end of
    all laws regarding antitrust, consumer protection, work-place safety,
    environmental protection, minimum wage and child labor.

    11:00 pm Insights of Dan Quayle

    11:01 pm Sign-Off


    Impeachment Trial Will Infringe on Sabbath
    by Melissa B. Robinson

    WASHINGTON (AP) -- It's no fun to work on the weekend, especially when your
    job is to sit in silence, listening to lawyers argue for removing the
    president from office.

    But for Sen. Joseph Lieberman, D-Conn., the Senate's only Orthodox Jew, this
    weekend's task is complicated further by the Sabbath, which begins at sundown
    Friday and ends at sundown Saturday.

    "It's obviously not going to be the kind of Sabbath I normally like to spend,
    but I think we can, you know, work it out," said Lieberman, who won't answer
    the phone, ride in an elevator or turn on a light during the Sabbath

    Yet, Lieberman says his responsibility as a juror in President Clinton's
    impeachment trial comes before his personal preferences, even in matters of

    "In this case, the continuing pursuit of justice takes precedent, and
    therefore, without any hesitation, I'll be there," Lieberman told reporters
    this week.

    House prosecutors began arguing their case against Clinton on Thursday. Their
    presentation is to last three days, after which the Senate is to recess until
    Tuesday. At that point, Clinton's lawyers are to open their arguments.

    For observant Jews, the Sabbath generally means attending services at a temple
    and spending time with family. The use of mechanical and technological devices
    -- even toasters and pencils -- is shunned, and work is to be avoided.

    When he must work on the Sabbath, something that happened less than two dozen
    times in his 10 years in the Senate, Lieberman makes allowances.

    Sometimes, he takes a hotel room on Capitol Hill; but he's also been known to
    walk from his home, several miles away, sometimes accompanied by a Capitol
    police officer for security. At work, he takes the stairs. He won't write, but
    he'll vote by voice.

    "I've found it possible to go and not violate any of the particular
    prohibitions that I accept on myself on the Sabbath," he said.

    The impeachment trial, actually, could prove more accommodating than other
    sessions. Senators are required to sit silently throughout the proceedings.
    They've been asked to turn off all beepers and cellular telephones.


    To the citizens of the United States of America:

    Following your failure to elect anybody, either a half decent candidate or a B-movie actor as President of the USA to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume a monarch's duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:

    1. Look up "revoke" in a dictionary
    2. Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God Save the Queen"
    3. Start referring to "soccer" as football
    4. Declare war on Quebec and France
    5. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason
    6. Learn to play cricket
    7. Enjoy warm flat beer and British cuisine
    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday
    9. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take 6 weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks
    10. Driving on the left is now compulsory

    Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation and... have a jolly nice day and incidentally, Thanksgiving is not to be a legal holiday anymore.


    A lot of voters are getting a little bored with the 2-party system. Even the Reform Party and the Libertarian Party aren't making much of a showing this year. These parties just never seemed to make that cut for some reason:

    • The Crack Party... We're split down the middle.
    • The Mouth Party... And you're invited to cum.
    • The Gay/NRA Party... We're here, we're queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
    • The Pity Party... C'mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya?
    • The Private Party... No comment.
    • The Cocktail Party... Cock and Tail - does it get any better than this?
    • The Search Party... Looking for members.
    • The Keg Party... Dude, we could so totally run the country.
    • Non-partisan party... We believe in what you believe in.
    • The Beaver Party... Oh, forget it - we've already got Bush.

    Iraq Explained - Political

    Israeli Economic Planning

    The Prime Minister Ben Gurion was having a cabinet meeting,
    trying to come up with solutions for the economic hardships
    of the infant Jewish state. Floods of immigrants were
    straining the national resourses to the limits and something
    had to be done to bring in more money.

    One minister rushed in all excited, saying, "I found it! The
    perfect way out of our economic problems!"

    B-G frowned and said, "Nu?"

    The other continued, "Listen. Remember World War II? Germany
    declared war on America, the Allies came over and whipped the
    tar out of them, they surrendered, and then the US came into
    Germany and rebuilt the country - and now Germany is on its way
    to being an industrial leader in Europe! And then look at Japan -
    they declared war on America too, the same thing happened to
    them - they're about to take over the Far East economically.
    So I figure, all we have to do is declare war on the States, they
    come in and beat us, and then they pour all kinds of money into
    Israel - and we become rich!"

    B-G didn't change his expression. "Won't work," he snapped.

    "Why not?" everyone chorused.

    "With our luck, we'd probably win the war..."


    Israeli Rhetoric

    At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the
    Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.

    The Israeli Consul began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with
    my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you... When Moses
    was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and
    prairies, and even more deserts... The people became thirsty and needed

    So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of
    that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the
    people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content. Moses wished to
    cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond,
    took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters of the pond.

    Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes
    have been stolen... And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians
    stole his clothes."

    Yassir Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out of his seat and
    screams, "This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no
    Palestinians there at the time!!!"

    "And with that in mind", said the Israeli Consul, "let me begin my


    • Having to brush up on Spanish just to read hate mail.
    • Armed troops + civilian resistance = Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork.
    • In the Elian TV movie, she'll likely be played by John Lithgow.
    • When she gets angry, she turns green and muscles burst through clothes just dry-cleaned.
    • No one believes, "It was a chocolate gun pointed at Elian's head."
    • Whenever she calls "Playboy" and offers to pose, Hefner's "in a meeting."
    • Saying, "It's the tear gas" when crying at "Erin Brockovich."
    • When Lenscrafters runs out of gigantic, outdated, poorly-fitted frames.
    • Men who feel inadequate when she brings battering ram into bedroom.
    • Constant political pressure to reunite Hall and Oates.

    Justice Department Suit Against Microsoft

    Justice Department officials have obtained internal Microsoft documents
    that would support a new antitrust case. Man, I hope the federal government
    wins. I like to root for the little guy.


    US to Begin Bombing England Unless Peace Accord Is Ratified
    By England and Break-Away Province of Northern Ireland

    The White House -- President Clinton announced today that an
    all out bombing offensive against England will begin in two
    weeks, unless a peace accord is ratified by England and its
    break-away province of Northern Ireland. Along with
    liberating Northern Ireland, the President said that all
    British culinary institutes would be fair game for bombing.
    After the attack, NATO peace keeping troops will be sent in
    to ensure that all dentists can operate safely and without
    the threat of attack.

    "Using the fine logic we crafted in the Kosovo intervention,
    we have decided to add, incrementally, to the list of peace
    initiatives around the world," he said in a prepared statement.
    A background briefing indicated that on a weekly schedule, the
    Clinton administration would intervene in the following areas:

    Week one: Bombing of England to free Northern Ireland, and
    to destroy the legendarily bad cuisine fabrication facilities.

    Week two: Bombing of Ankara, Baghdad and Teheran to free the
    Kurds. Oh yeah, lets not forget all of the oil reserves we
    would gain.

    Week three: Bombing of several random African countries to
    stop the Hutus from killing Tutsis.

    Week four: Bombing of both Istanbul and Athens to solve the
    Cyprus problem, and end the argument over whether Socrates was
    actually homosexual or not.

    Week five: Bombing of Madrid to free the Basque Country, also
    to shut up the people at PETA because one target would be the
    bull fighting rings.

    Week six: Bombing of Ottawa to free the Quebecois.

    Week seven Bombing of Jakarta to free the Timor Islands.

    Week eight Bombing of Switzerland because it is due time that
    they were bullied.

    Week nine Bombing of Paris to free Corsica, and those wishing
    to use deodorant and razors.

    Week ten Bombing of Washington, D.C. to free the Confederate of
    Southern States, held captive for 139 years, and to free up more
    Senate seats for Hillary to possibly run for.

    Week eleven: Bombing of North Dakota so that South Dakota might
    finally be recognized as a "real" state.

    "This schedule will do until we can come up with others," said
    Madeline Albright, Secretary of State.

    When asked whether or not the US would bomb Beijing in order to
    free Tibet she responded, "something that practical would never
    be on a military agenda."


    King David Admits to Adultery, Murder of Servant

    Jerusalem--In a stunning admission of guilt last night King David
    acknowledged that he had an "inappropriate relationship" with Bathsheba,
    the wife of his loyal servant Uriah the Hittite, which resulted not only
    in her pregnancy but in the betrayal and murder of Uriah as he fought in
    the Royal Army during the Ammonite War.

    David made the confession after it was clear that his confidant Nathan T.
    Prophet, who had been subpoenaed by indepedent counsel H.A. Seytan,
    would cooperate with the investigation into the affair. It is rumored
    that Prophet has received inside information from a source in "high
    places" about David's involvement in the scandal.

    "Have mercy on me, O G-d," a contrite David said in his speech. "Wash me
    thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin." While some
    believe the sincerity of his plea, many question whether David's
    confession is just another "song and dance" he has written for inclusion
    in his growing collection of Psalms. Temple insiders admit that because of
    the "immoral" nature of David's actions, they are now debating whether his
    Book of Psalms can even be included in the sacred canon.

    Independent Counsel Seytan, rebounding from his failed probe into Job's
    faith claims, said in a statement today that he feels vindicated by the
    recent turn of events. Because he is still completing his report into the
    Bathsheba affair, Seytan declined further comment. He did say before
    disappearing in a puff of smoke that he intends to "get to the bottom" of
    the enigmatic claim made by the King last night when he also admitted that
    he "was born guilty, a sinner when my mother conceived me." "If the
    King's been guilty for that long," Seytan said, "I wonder what else he's
    trying to hide."

    Although Seytan's report will not be released for another few weeks,
    pundits speculate that it may force the King to resign. Legal experts say
    the Bathsheba affair, with its adultery, murder, and coveting, violates at
    least three of the Ten Commandments. Political foes of David, who have
    questioned his kingship since his involvement in the mysterious death of
    Goliath T. Giant, argue that the King has never been fit for office.
    "I've seen the Messiah," one senior prophet said on background. "The
    Messiah is a vision of mine, and believe me, King David is no Messiah."


    This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!! A few years ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Bill Clinton. The instructor told Mori "Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Clinton, please say 'how are you. Then Mr. Clinton should say,"I am fine, and you?" Now you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you."

    It looks quite simple,but the truth is.... When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said "Who Are You?" Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: "Well, I am Hilary's husband, haha..." Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, hahaha.."

    Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room.

    Last Wish

    Three hunters are out on safari -- an American, a Britisher and
    an Israeli. They are captured by cannibals who start getting
    the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells the hunters the
    hunter they can have one last wish.

    "What's your last request?" he asks the American.

    "I'd like a steak," he replies.

    So the cannibals kill a zebra and serve the American his steak.

    "What do you want?" the cannibal chief asks the Brit.

    "I'd like a have smoke on my pipe," which they let him do.

    Then the chief asks the Israeli: "What's your last wish?"

    "I want you to kick my rear end."

    "Be serious," says the top cannibal.

    "C'mon, you promised," says the Israeli.

    "Oh, all right," says the chief, who delivers the requested kick.

    Whereupon, the Israeli pulls out a gun, shoots the chief and a few
    other cannibals while the rest run away.

    The American and Brit are furious.

    "Why didn't you do that in the first place, so we wouldn't have had
    to go through all this?" they demand.

    Replies the Israeli: "What? Are you mad? The UN would have condemned
    me as the aggressor."


    Leftover 1999 Israeli-Election Stickers and Signs

    "Bye-Bye, Bibi."

    "Israel wants change. But we prefer bills, if you have any."

    "Vote Likud: Because we'd all love another four years of anxiety, economic
    downturn, bad relations with the U.S., and divisions within our community."

    "Vote Likud or we'll have to put Arik Sharon in charge."

    "Vote 'One Isreal' (Labor) because Arafat prefers us."

    "Vote 'One Israel'. Our guy was Bibi's commander and has more medals."

    "Vote 'One Israel'. We've hired the best political consultants the White
    House could afford us."

    "Vote Merkaz (Center): We have four top guys, none of whom has a clue or a
    platform. But at least we're not the other two main parties."

    "Vote Merkaz: Hey, if H. Ross Perot can do it, so can we!"

    "Meretz: Exit Left. Shas: Exit Right."

    "Vote for Shas because our spiritual leader looks like a mobster and our
    political leader was convited of corruption."

    "Vote for Israel Ba'Aliyah because we don't actually state our position
    until we are in a position to bargain."

    "Vote for the Ultra-national right wing coalition because living in paranoia
    is fun."

    "The Pot Party will take you higher."

    "The Casino Party ... don't gamble on it, but we might win a few seats!"

    "Hadash: We're Israeli-Arabs. So we're probably more like you than the
    other 31 parties. Besides, Miss Israel 1999 is an Israeli-Arab."


    Letter from the Smithsonian

    BACKGROUND: There's this nutball who digs things out of his back yard
    and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian, labeling them with
    scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds.
    The letter below as written by one of the Smithsonian curators after
    the guy sent in a Barbie doll head, claiming it was a human fossil.

    Dear Sir:

    Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
    "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We
    have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination and we
    regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it
    represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Hennepin
    County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have
    found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff,
    who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie".

    It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the
    analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of
    us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to
    come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that
    there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might
    have tipped you off to it's modern origin:

    1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
    typically fossilized bone.

    2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
    centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
    identified proto-hominids.

    3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent
    with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous
    man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands
    during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most
    intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this
    institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily
    against it.

    Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

    A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a
    dog has chewed on.

    B. Clams don't have teeth.

    It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
    request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to
    the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly
    due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent
    geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were
    produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce
    wildly inaccurate results.

    Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National
    Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of
    assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus
    spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for
    the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted
    down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't
    really sound like it might be Latin.

    However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
    specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil,
    it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of
    work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know
    that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for
    the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the
    Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will
    happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your
    back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital
    that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing
    the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
    you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating
    fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the
    excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered
    take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman
    automotive crescent wrench.

    Yours in Science,

    Tom Snooselfox
    Curator, Antiquities


    Liberal vs. Conservative

    A liberal will let a few people cheat the system
    to make sure that nobody goes hungry.

    A conservative will let a few people go hungry to
    make sure nobody cheats the system.


    Libertarians vs. Anarchists

    What's the difference between Anarchists and Libertarians??

    Libertarians are anarchists with money.

    Anarchists believe property is theft. Libertarians believe everything
    is property.

    Libertarians are bosses; anarchists work for them when they run out of
    other options.

    Libertarians buy more guns, but anarchists use more ammo.

    Libertarians ride in stretch limos; anarchists throw bricks through
    their windshields.

    Libertarians go shopping; anarchists go shoplifting.

    Libertarians go to the police after they've been mugged; anarchists
    get mugged by the police.

    A libertarian wants to marry another libertarian, but only after
    sleeping with enough anarchists.

    Anarchists ignore the IRS; Libertarians hire accountants and attorneys
    to fight them.

    Libertarians think the government is trying steal the property they
    rightfully own; anarchists think the government is trying to defend
    property that nobody rightfully owns.

    Libertarians are organized in a political party; anarchists aren't
    organized in anything.

    Anarchists ignore elections; Libertarians run for office, vote and

    Libertarians think anarchists are naive and unrealistic; anarchists
    don't care what libertarians think.


    Lincoln-Kennedy Coincidences

    Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
    John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

    Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
    John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

    The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

    Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

    Both wives lost a child while living in the White House.

    Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head.

    Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
    Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

    Both were assassinated by Southerners.

    Both were succeeded by Southerners.

    Both successors were named Johnson.

    Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
    Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

    John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
    Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

    Both assassins were know by their three names.

    Both names compromise fifteen letters.

    Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
    Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

    Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.


    Galileo: great mind

    Einstein: genius mind

    Newton: extraordinary mind

    Bill Gates: brilliant mind

    Bush: never mind


    Missing Piece - Political

    Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

    "Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed.

    "No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

    "Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."

    Poof! And just like that..her ears fell off.


    Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Clinton. Welcome to EZBreeZee Mortgages. I'm Alan Greenspan. No, no relation, sorry to say. May I call you Bill and Hillary? Fine, first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and Bill it is.

    So you want to buy the old Rye Brook place, four-something acres as I recall. That's 2.2 million, and with the customary 20 percent down--that's $440,000--leaving a mortgage of $1,760,000. No problem. We do those kinds of deals all the time. Now let's have a look at your financial statements.

    Let's see, Mr. Clinton, you are the President of the United States, of course, and you salary is--oh, dear--$200,000 a year. We recommend buying a house that costs no more than two and a half times your annual salary. That means you should be looking for something around $500,000, perhaps a nice brick rancher on a quarter of an acre, not too fancy a neighborhood?

    And I see here that you'll be out of a job in 16 months or so. What will you do then? Open a library. In Little Rock. Arkansas. Wow. I bet that will be some kind of moneymaker.

    Mrs. Clinton, you're running for Senate, right? Senators are paid $130,000 a year--assuming, of course, she's elected so even with your pension you're still looking at a house in the $825,000 range. Maybe a nice center-hall colonial where the schools aren't so good.

    Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the house since 1991, correct? But you did some volunteer work, I see. You came up with a plan to overhaul the entire national health care system? I see. It flopped, in other words.

    But I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas. How about this Whitewater Development Corp.? It went bankrupt. And Madison Guaranty? Bankrupt. And Castle Grande? Bankrupt, too. If you had gone to Yale business school instead of Yale law, you could probably get your money back. Don't get upset. It was just a little joke.

    A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. Three of your business partners went to jail. Maybe you could still get your money back.

    This is embarrassing, I know, but we have to ask because it does, after all, affect your ability to pay: Any problems in your marriage? No? Fine. Let's look at your assets: $1.5 million. Not bad. Yes, yes, Mr. Clinton, we're not forgetting your Mustang back in Little Rock. But--oh!-those liabilities. You owe $5.5 million. That means you're $4 million in the hole.

    How do you expect to pay that off? You're hoping people will donate to a special fund? So basically you're relying on the charity of strangers.

    You also have some serious expenses. A kid at Stanford has got to be setting you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year, probably more with the air fares. And she wants to go to medical school? Ouch!

    And Mr. Clinton, there's a little matter of a $90,000 fine for lying in court. I guess that rules out putting your law degree to work. Say, how do we know you're not lying on you loan application? Good point. It would look a lot better if you were lying. Are there any other legal matters we should know about?

    You say you're in the clear, Mr. Clinton, and the first lady is pretty much in the clear, indictment- wise. What does that mean? You don't think--don't think--she's going to get hit with a perjury or obstruction of justice rap. But we're not totally sure, right? That means there's a remote possibility --note that I say "remote"--that you could be trying to pay off a $1.76 million mortgage while making 12 cents an hour stitching mailbags for the feds, and he is trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock.

    Let's review the situation. One of you is now unemployed and the other one soon will be. You have these whopping great debts that you're hoping someone is going to come along and pay. You have a financial history that can only be described as "checkered", plus a bunch of serious financial demands and ongoing legal problems. Your tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford.

    So, Congratulations! Welcome to the EZBreeZee family of homeowners! You've got your mortgage!


    Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
    Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
    Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
    Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
    Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    When that Jones bites,
    When Ken Starr stings,
    When I'm feeling sad,
    I simply remember my favorite things,
    And then I don't feel so bad.

    Beating the draft board and getting elected,
    Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
    Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
    Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
    Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    When that Jones bites,
    When Ken Starr stings,
    When I'm feeling sad,
    I simply remember my favorite things,
    And then I don't feel so bad.

    Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
    States of the Union with lots of baloney,
    Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    When that Jones bites,
    When Ken Starr stings,
    When I'm feeling sad,
    I simply remember my favorite things,
    And then I don't feel so bad.


    New Developments with Iraq

    Madeleine Albright says, "Don't bash the U.N." (Mustn't upset
    Saddam's new best friend.)

    Since the United Nations is in New York City, why couldn't it make
    itself useful and inspect weapons sites in the local high schools?

    Kofi Annan said this agreement is different because it's the first one
    actually signed by Saddam Hussein. The guy who signed the last one was

    Annan said, "I believe we can do business with him." That's great.
    We can sell arms to Iraq and give the money to the contras in Nicaragua.

    As soon as the agreement was signed, Saddam declared a national
    holiday. That must be the way they grovel in that part of the world.


    In new documents just revealed by the Justice Department, in addition to the controversial pardon of fugitive Marc Rich, former President Clinton also pardoned Adolph Hitler and Satan. With minutes to go before his term expired, Clinton signed an order to pardon himself.

    Clinton's press liaison defended the pardons. "President Clinton reasoned it's time to put this whole 'World War' thing behind us.

    "While Hitler did indeed have a few bad years, he's been a model of civility for the last 56 years. We think he deserves a second chance."

    Clinton seemed to identify with Hitler. "There were forces constantly at work against him. I'm not condoning what he did, mind you, but I feel his pain. I know exactly what it's like to have the media of the world against you."

    Clinton's pardon of Satan drew some right-wing Republican protests. Representative Dan Burton called upon Clinton to appear before Congress and explain the action. Burton believes there was a deal between the Prince of Darkness and Clinton to help build Clinton's Presidential Library in exchange for the pardon and Clinton's soul.

    Democrats were quick to dismiss the charges. Senator Tom Daschle said, "These charges are bogus because President Clinton sold his soul to Satan years ago."

    Just before he posed for pictures on Inauguration Day with the new president, Clinton signed a pardon forgiving himself "for any goddamned thing anyone wants to pin on me, for all eternity -- even things they've not found out about yet!"


    New Hampshire Voters Suddenly Lonely
    by Joe Lavin

    (MANCHESTER, NH) -- Just days after New Hampshire's first-in-the-
    nation presidential primary, many New Hampshire residents are already
    experiencing severe withdrawal symptoms as the presidential candidates
    have deserted the state. "Yeah, sure, I miss them," Dale Everhart, a 33-
    year-old snowmobile technician from Manchester, said on Wednesday.
    Up until then, talking with candidates had become a normal part of his
    daily routine, but suddenly all the candidates were gone. "You know,
    you invest so much energy in a relationship like that. And then they
    leave just like that. Without even a phone call. It's not right," Everhart

    Others across the state feel just as saddened. "I'm not mad at them for
    leaving," 73-year-old Ida Murphy of Nashua said. "I know they have to
    move on, but it does hurt." Seldom a day went by when Murphy did not
    see at least one of the candidates, but for the last two days her front
    porch has been entirely devoid of politicians. "Its just weird. I got so
    used to them being there. They were always dropping by, asking for my
    vote. Sure, it was strange at first, but after a while they started to feel like

    On those frequent visits, the candidates would usually discuss their
    policies and beliefs, but often it was the little things that made the
    difference. "One day, Gary Bauer asked me what I was looking for in a
    president," Murphy said. "Jokingly, I said, someone to clean my
    windows, and he actually got up there and cleaned them himself. Then,
    when I told him I was still leaning towards Bush, he even scrubbed my
    kitchen floor. That's the kind of man we need in the White House."

    People in other states simply cannot hope to have that sort of personal
    access to a presidential candidate, and that's part of what makes New
    Hampshire so special. Murphy's sister Meredith, for example, became a
    Bill Bradley supporter last fall when Bradley began delivering groceries
    to her every week. "That's the kind of personal attention I want as a
    voter," she said. "Sure, Al Gore offered to have the secret service do my
    ironing, but it just wasn't the same."

    "Together, we can all make a difference and show the country that old
    politics is at last dead," Bradley told her on Tuesday just before she
    went to vote. "Oh, they were out of one percent milk, so I had to get the
    two percent instead. Hope that's okay," he added.

    Of course, it was not just the candidates who were talking to voters; so
    was the media. Ted Shriver, a 47-year-old electrician from Concord,
    maintains that he participated in over four hundred opinion polls during
    the campaign. While such constant polling seems like it would an
    inconvenience, Shriver, like many in New Hampshire, enjoyed the
    opportunity to share his views.

    "Usually, around ten in the morning, someone from Fox News would call
    to find out who I was supporting. At noon, it would be a CNN poll, and
    then CBS would call at the end of the day. Plus sometimes reporters from
    the New York Times or Washington Post would stop by to ask
    questions. I loved it. Now, of course, nobody cares at all what I think.
    My phone hasn't rung for two days," he said with a sigh.

    Perhaps, though, New Hampshire business owners will miss the
    campaign the most. Owners of television and radio stations are still busy
    counting all the money they made from political commercials, while most
    hotels did not have vacancies for months. Owning a hotel has been a
    lucrative business indeed. Not only were hotels able to rent rooms to
    political handlers and the press, but as an added bonus many celebrity
    journalists would often book additional rooms just for their egos alone.
    "Sam Donaldson was up here last week, and his ego took up an entire
    wing! It was great! We made all sorts of money." George McGee,
    manager of the Portsmouth Hilton, said.

    Finally, of course, there were the town meetings. It is impossible to talk
    about the New Hampshire primary without mentioning the ever-present
    town meeting. Just about everywhere you turned for the past twelve
    months, some candidate seemed to be holding a town meeting. For 73-
    year old Edgar Littleton of Laconia, the town meetings are what he will
    miss the most. "I just loved the town meetings," he gushed. "They really
    gave us a chance to get to know the candidates on a personal level and
    truly understand their proposals. Plus, they got me out of the house and
    away from the wife."

    Littleton estimated that he had attended over 350 town meetings during
    the last year -- an average of almost one a day. "My wife can be really
    scary sometimes," he explained.


    New Net Crisis
    for release April 1, 1997
    Special advisory to e-citizens:

    President William Jefferson Clinton and Vice President Al "Macarena"
    Gore jointly announced that a major crisis has arisen on the Internet.
    The National Bureau of Standards and the Federal Reserve Board have
    calculated that all jokes and parodies that can be developed, have
    already been released, and there is no more new humor available for
    Internet circulation.

    Bill Gates, 2nd most powerful American, announced that Microsoft would
    be recirculating all old jokes from their corporate repository. "We
    had intended to issue this as a 'Microhumor' CD, Mr. Gates announced,
    but in view of this national crisis, we are recirculating these old
    chestnuts in the hope that they will amuse once again. Microsoft will
    ensure that each joke is rated according to age suitability.

    President Clinton praised the generosity of Mr. Gates and said that
    "decent Americans everywhere will pray silently that new humor can be
    developed soon, and spread over the Net. In the meantime, as we have
    always done in time of crisis, the Federal government will work
    diligently to avoid a humor gap."

    Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott observed that this was the sort of
    thing that the Democrat party always did: use up all resources without
    knowing how to replace them. He observed that a strong national defense
    was even more important at such times.

    Long time Senator Strom Thurmond asked "What's the Internet, son?"


    2/5/2006 - The US government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.


    New York State Bumper Sticker

    The supposedly hottest new political bumper sticker in New York State
    (although I haven't seen any here in NYC):


    Democrats put 'em on the rear bumper...

    Republicans affix them to the front bumper.


    • George W. Bush: Goofed at his inauguration by saying, "I'm tired of people treating the presidency like it's some kind of federal job." Created international incident when he called the Chinese prime minister Hop Sing. Defeated in 2004 by Democrat Warren Beatty.
    • Al Gore: Never did concede election. Went into seclusion in Tennessee, where he attempted to file patents on ATMs, Barbie and instant oatmeal. Wife Tipper eventually had him committed to a sanitarium. He spent final years ordering nurses at Pleasant Days Ahead to bomb Yugoslavia.
    • Joe Lieberman: Went back to U.S. Senate and continued campaign against Hollywood smut. Resigned after photos surfaced on the Internet depicting him in compromising positions with Dr. Laura.
    • Dick Cheney: Scared children at the 2001 White House Christmas party with his dark portrayal of Santa Claus. Wanted to declare war on Iraq again but nobody would let him. Grabbed his chest and keeled over when his daughter showed up at White House dinner with Ellen DeGeneres. President George W. Bush raised eyebrows at the funeral when he said, "It wasn't a heart attack, and I fully expect Dick to resume his duties as vice president later this week."
    • Warren Christopher: Distinguished life and career came to an untimely end when he fell asleep in a subway station. Mistaken for dead, he was cremated. Al Gore raised eyebrows at the funeral when he referred to Christopher as "my secretary of state" and credited him with inventing the United Nations. After delivering the eulogy, Gore stunned observers by grabbing wife Tipper for an open-mouth kiss.
    • James A. Baker III: As a reward for his loyalty, Baker was allowed to secretly run the country during the term of George W. Bush, a job he also held during the Reagan administration. After leaving politics, Baker became the new voice for Mr. Burns on "The Simpsons."
    • Jeb Bush: Bush loses his reelection bid to Green Party candidate Fidel Castro, blaming the defeat on a butterfly ballot used in Miami-Dade. Later was appointed U.S. attorney general by his big brother. Other department heads ruffled his hair and called him Bobby at Cabinet meetings.
    • Bill Clinton: Compromise proposal to remain president the rest of his life rejected. Allegedly pinched Laura Bush at inauguration. Divorced by wife Hillary. Spent final years as a broken man, running Po Boy Billy's BBQ stand in Arkansas.
    • Katherine Harris: Became a partner with Tammy Faye in developing line of beauty-care products called Sensuous Republican. Nominated as best supporting actress for her portrayal of the Borg Queen. Achieved lifelong ambition in 2028 when President Tom Feeney appointed her as ambassador to Chad.
    • Chief Justice Charles Wells: Florida Supreme Court jurist left bench to star in WB courtroom show: "Judge Chuck!" Issued landmark ruling in 2005 that said a wife who has a sex-change operation and sleeps with her husband's sister is not entitled to alimony. Ruling was overturned by U.S. Supreme Court.

    Nixon and Clinton Compared

    Major Scandal during their presidency....
    Nixon: Watergate
    Clinton: Waterbed

    The President's biggest fear....
    Nixon: The Cold War
    Clinton: The Cold Sore

    Complaints toward the President.....
    Nixon: Carpet-Bombing
    Clinton: Carpet-Burns

    Their Vice-Presidents...
    Nixon: His was Greek
    Clinton: His is a Geek.

    Presidential qualities.....
    Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger.
    Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her.

    Things the President couldn't explain....
    Nixon: The missing 18-minutes on the tapes
    Clinton: The 36D bra in his briefcase

    Presidential Nicknames....
    Nixon: Tricky Dick
    Clinton: Slick Willy

    and finally, Presidential excuses....
    Nixon: I am not a crook
    Clinton: I didn't get in her nook


    Notice of Revocation of Independence
    8 November 2000 (Please note the format in which this date is written. You shall be expected to emulate it in the future.)

    To the citizens of the United States of America,

    In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and
    thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
    your independence, effective today.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
    over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,
    which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony
    Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that
    there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for
    America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
    Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next
    year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
    rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
    Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation
    guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
    pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
    acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty
    seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
    know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
    Look up "interspersed".

    There is no such thing as "US English". We will let
    Microsoft know on your behalf.

    You should learn to distinguish the English and
    Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

    Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
    the good guys.

    You should relearn your original national anthem, "God
    Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would
    not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

    You should stop playing American "football". There is
    only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football"
    is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there
    is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else
    plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it,
    and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best
    if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you
    brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar
    to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest
    every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
    nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby
    sevens side by 2005.

    You should declare war on Quebec and France, using
    nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who
    were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should
    count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.
    "Merde" is French for "shit".

    July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th
    will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be
    called "Indecisive Day".

    All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and
    it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
    understand what we mean.

    Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us

    Thank you for your cooperation.


    Reply to the
    of Revocation of Independence
    November 8, 2000

    To the Subjects of Her Majesty, the Queen of England,

    In the light of your failure to prevent us from kicking you out in the 18th
    century and doing as we damn well please, we hereby notify you that you can
    keep it down over there before we take notice.

    Sure, historically America really doesn't pay much attention to the rest of
    the world. But when someone does catch our eye, we tend to carpet bomb them
    to a pre-industrial state. It may not be right, or fair, but it is a trend. I
    suggest you keep it in mind.

    To aid in your realization that you should pipe down, the following facts are

    American English is distinct from British English. Our
    aluminum is a lovely silver color, and we do not 'armour'
    our tanks, thank you.

    When you can tell the difference between an Alabama and
    Louisiana accent, I'll pay attention to the difference between
    a Londoner's and a Yorkshireman's accents.

    Rather than "God save the Queen"; you should learn "The Battle
    Hymn of the Republic". After all, if it weren't for American
    soldiers you'd speak German today, twice over. And if it weren't
    for American bread, butter, etc., you would have been starving
    while we saved your little old island from the Hun.

    If I were to throw an American football block on football player,
    he'd be out ofthe game and I'd be ejected. If I were to throw a
    real tackle on a rugby player, he'd be maimed. The pads in
    American football are to keep you from being crippled or killed.
    Just because rugby players tear their ears in a group hug called
    a 'scrum'doesn't make them tough. You want tough? You put
    YOUR arms in theair while a 322 pound (46 stone) man slams
    into you at a dead sprint and still catch the ball. That's tough.

    If you can't settle the French's hash, find someone else. After
    all, they have lost to everyone *but* the British this century.

    The irony of a Brit complaining about American cars is too
    much. I've driven British cars and they're like a Hyundai, but
    poorly made. When someone else comes up with an idea as good
    as the muscle car, we'll think about it.

    To sum it all up, we really aren't interested in your opinion.


    OJ Traffic Jam

    A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's
    stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse
    than usual. We're not even moving."

    He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between
    the cars and he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me officer,
    what's the hold up?"

    "O.J. just found out the verdict; he's all depressed. He's lying
    down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse
    himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have
    $33.5 million for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a
    collection for him."

    The man said, "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

    "About three hundred gallons."


    Other NY Senate Candidates

    For the international visitors, First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton is considering
    running for a vacant Senate seat in New York. Most likely, she would be running
    against NYC's current Mayor "Rudy" Giuliani.

    from TIME 3/8/99 -- page 18
    By Cultural Jet Lag

    The publicity generated by the anticipatory matchup of Hillary Rodham Clinton and
    Rudolph Giuliani in a race for US Senator from New York has prompted a few other
    notables to sling their chapeaus into the ring ...

    (1) Dennis Rodman
    "If elected, I'll return Times Square to the days when
    it was safe for people like me to walk down the street"

    (2) Garth Brooks
    "If this baseball thing doesn't work out, how hard is it
    to be a Senator?"

    (3) Jerry Falwell
    "The antenna atop the Chrysler Building disturbs me ...
    Something must be done!"

    (4) Martha Stewart
    "I regret that I have but one state to decorate!"


    Palestinians Kidnap Martha Stewart
    by C.M. De Recksieck

    Jerusalem, Israel -- In a shocking move, West Bank Palestinians have
    kidnapped do-it-yourself maven Martha Stewart late Monday evening. It
    is unknown exactly who is responsible for the disappearance of the model
    turned stock broker turned caterer turned craft guru.

    Last year's tentative agreement between Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin
    Netanyahu and Palestinian Authority Leader Yassir Arafat has been shaky,
    at best, during the past few months. More militant Palestinians have
    been contending that the Middle East has been losing international
    attention and that something drastic needed to be done to achieve
    Israeli troop withdrawals in the West Bank. Opportunity knocked for
    these opportunists when Ms. Stewart (divorced for five years) was on a
    tour of Jerusalem about to film her planned ABC-TV special, "Ways To
    Dress Up The Wailing Wall."

    Eyewitnesses say that Stewart was abducted by three young men in a
    public marketplace where she was carving a kiwi into a bust of Anwar
    Sadat. The unidentified men then quickly shoved her and her longtime
    aide-de-camp Larry into a van, denying her strident requests to be
    allowed to change into her "good walking shoes." Stewart did have armed
    security agents with her, but 20 minutes prior to the incident she had
    dispatched them to round up discarded rounds of ammunition which she
    planned to use to make into decorative shade pulls..

    It is believed that the 48-year-old doily maker and her lawn care
    specialist Larry are in good health, though reports are sketchy. She
    was allowed by her captors to make a brief statement earlier today,
    where she said she was being fed, "and it's a good thing, although some
    carrot sticks would have balanced out the undercooked gruel." She also
    reassured her cadre of assistants back home, "Please don't worry, but
    for the love of G-d, plant the bulbs soon or they won't flower at all
    this year."

    No Palestinian groups would take responsibility for the abduction.
    Palestine Authority and longtime PLO leader Yassir Arafat not only
    denied all responsibility for the disappearance of the craft Svengali,
    but lamented the fact that their planned "summit" would not take place.
    Apparently as a gesture of international goodwill, Stewart was scheduled
    to help Arafat convert an old barracks into a sewing room and prepare
    "fun sausage balls" for Arafat's advisors.

    Speculative reports have come out of the compound where Stewart and
    assistant Larry are being held saying that Stewart remains in good
    spirits, making a decorative wreath of rocks and pebbles and made a
    centerpiece of the Masada monument out of discarded chicken bones.

    Her disappearance has been major international news. The New York Post
    ran a huge banner headline which read, "Martha Stewart -- Living?"

    So far, the kidnapping has not created the international outrage that
    her captors were hoping for. In fact, Ms. Stewart's multi-media empire
    seems to be intact. Her disappearance will not affect the publication
    of her magazine, the publication of her syndicated column or her Today
    Show appearances.


    Partisan Software

    Excerpted from "National Review":

    Word 7.0, the fancy Windows '95 version of Microsoft's popular
    word processor, has a partisan spell checker. It recognizes the
    names Kennedy, Johnson, Carter and Clinton, but not Nixon (for
    which it offers to substitute "Nikon") or Reagan ("regain,"

    Either Bill Gates favors Democrats, or he appreciates
    that conservatives don't need spell checkers.


    Pens in Impeachment Had Misprint

    January 11, 1999

    JANESVILLE, Wis. (AP) -- The pens used by U.S.
    senators to pledge impartial justice in President
    Clinton's impeachment trial contained a misprint.

    Instead of ``United States Senator,'' the writing
    on the pens said ``Untied States Senator.''

    ``The Senate is like any good customer of ours,
    and we will reprint the order and make things
    right,'' said Michele Szynal, a spokeswoman for
    The Gillette Co.'s Stationery Products Group in

    Each of the 100 senators got to keep the black and
    silver Parker Vector pen used to sign the pledge
    in the Senate chamber Thursday.


    Two of the political bumper stickers now being sold on the Pentagon




    Political Holidays

    Republicans say "Merry Christmas!"
    Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"

    Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the
    Salvation Army.
    Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to
    panhandlers on the street.

    Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by
    giving them fruitcakes.
    Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

    Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
    Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.

    When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled
    Democrats ask for a "Bud."

    When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog.
    Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television.

    Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart.
    So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.

    Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids.
    Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot
    each other with dolls.

    Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating
    the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
    Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at night to
    look at *other* people's lights.

    Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."
    Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."
    Right-Wing Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "Die Hard."

    Republicans always take the price tag off expensive gifts before
    Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ... and reposition
    them to make sure they are seen.

    Republicans wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the
    festive season.
    Democrats do too, all year round.

    Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly
    maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas
    Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing
    it again.

    Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Deck the Halls."
    Young Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over
    by a Reindeer."
    Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."
    Young Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."

    Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree.
    Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week
    before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.

    Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday
    On this, Republicans are in full agreement.

    Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play
    "Cowboys and Indians."
    Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians win.

    Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped
    believing in Santa Claus.
    Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in
    Santa Claus.


    Political Periodic Table

    In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new
    elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:

    Limbaughium Lb
    The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass.
    Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all
    elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons;
    attracts only morons.

    Billclintium Bc
    With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a
    series of interesting changes when in hot water.

    Canadium Eh
    Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often
    called Boron.

    Innofensium Pc
    Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons,
    quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.

    Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not
    possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.

    Quaylium Vp
    Einsteinium it ain't.

    Budweisium Ps
    Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.

    Cabmium Cb
    Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion
    and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you
    do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable,
    and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.

    Politicium Po
    Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach
    lethal concentrations in the House.

    Congress Cg
    Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.


    Politically Correct Alphabet

    A is an activist itching to fight.

    B is a beast with its animal rights.

    C was a cripple (now differently abled).

    D is a Drunk who is "liquor-enabled."

    E is an Ecologist who saves spotted owls.

    F was a Forrester, now staffing McDonald's.

    G is a Glutton who says he's "food-centered."

    H is a Hermaphrodite skirting problems of gender.

    I is an "Ism" (you'd better believe it).

    J is a Jingoist - love it or leave it!

    K is a Kettle the pot can't call black.

    L is a Lifestyle not bound to the pack.

    M is a Mindset with bias galore.

    N was a Negro, but not anymore.

    O is an Oppressor, devoid of self-love.

    P is the Patriarchy (see "O" above).

    Q is a Quip that costs someone a job.

    R is the Reasoning done by a mob.

    S is a Sexist, that slobbering menace.

    T is a Teapot that's brewing a tempest.

    U is for Umbrage at the slightest transgression.

    V is a Valentine, tool of oppression.

    W is for "Woman," however it's spelled.

    X is a chromosome we share in our cells.

    Y is a Yogi for the easily led.

    Z is a Zombie, the differently dead.


    Politics: It all really just boils down to this:


    Democrats: Give them a second chance.
    Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.

    The poor:
    Democrats: Give them some food.
    Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.

    Endangered species:
    Democrats: Give them protection.
    Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.

    Democrats: Give them a way out.
    Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.

    The uninsured:
    Democrats: Give them health care.
    Republicans: Give them the swift sword of death.

    The cost:
    Democrats: $9,000,000,000,000,000,000
    Republicans: $29.95 (cost of one sword)


    Poof, No More Soft Money

    ( Sung to the tune of Puff the Magic Dragon )

    Bill the President Clinton lived in D.C.
    and had a lawyer lady wife
    and a daughter named Chelsea.

    He took a lot of money
    from folks from lands afar.
    Republicans said that was bad,
    Which made Bill laugh quite hard.

    Poof, no more Soft money,
    Campaign Reform is here.
    Now Politicians tell the truth
    and you don't get drunk from beer.

    Republicans who couldn't buy
    a Nineties President,
    now tell their children on Bob Dole
    Their inheritance was spent.

    And little Newtie Gingrich
    taught a college class,
    He misused funds he got tax free
    and his buddies let it pass.

    Poof, no more Soft Money.
    Campaign Reform is here.
    Now Politicians tell the truth
    and you don't get drunk from beer.

    Those costly T.V. commercials,
    campaign buttons and hats,
    are just so damn expensive
    say the Democrats.

    For us to get elected
    We have to beg for cash
    at a White House slumber party
    or a ten grand coffee Klatch.

    Poof, no more soft money,
    Campaign Reform is here.
    Now politicians tell the truth
    and you don't get drunk from beer.

    Bipartisans their Credo,
    Together now they stand.
    Would you like to buy the Brooklyn Bridge
    and some Florida swampland?


    Analysis of Vice-Presidential Running Mates

    While the Presidential front-runners and party-hacks all bicker among
    themselves, serious discussion about the future of the Fidel candidacy has
    begun among members of the Committee to Elect Fidel President.

    Al Stuart started us off with his list of potential Vice-Presidential
    running mates for Fidel, should his name get on the ballot. Since then,
    others have submitted their suggestions. We reprint the best of the flock

    Do you have a pollster's dream match for Castro? Obviously, we're looking
    for someone whose outsider status would complement Fidel's own non-Beltway
    credentials, but be creative. And by the way, for those of you malcontents
    out there, being offensive isn't creative; it's offensive.

    If you have ideas of your own, please submit them for inclusion. Be sure to
    add your own analysis of a potential running mate's pros and cons.


    Potential Y2K Problems

    We have all heard of Y2K, the millennium bug. This nasty computer problem,
    if left unaddressed, could result in the following calamities:

    Bill Clinton might be constitutionally eligible to run for a third term.

    Chevy might bring back the Vega.

    Airlines might accidentally install seats large enough for people to sit in.

    Due to a crash in their phone systems, you could call a bank and wind up
    talking to a person instead of a recording.

    As the ball drops on New Year's Eve in Times Square in New York, it might
    get stuck, meaning Dick Clark would be on television forever.

    Your VCR would stop blinking MIDNIGHT MIDNIGHT MIDNIGHT and start blinking

    Tony Orlando might decide the time is right for a comeback.

    If you are one of those people who have trouble adjusting to Daylight
    Savings Time, imagine the headaches you'll have to endure when we start the
    1900's all over again!


    Practice Makes Perfect:
    How George W. Bush Got Through the Debates
    by Andy Borowitz

    In the early days of the campaign, George W. Bush appeared to be what
    Republican operatives called a "work in progress" and what the rest of us
    called a "chowderhead." But in hte waning days of Campaign 2000, polls
    show that Bush's surprisingly strong performance in the debates has
    changed those perceptions: Instead of feeling that he is "too stupid to
    be president," a majority now believe that he is "just stupid enough."

    Where did thos new, smarter Bush come from, and how did he make it
    through the debates relatively gaffe-free? Preparation helped. For
    weeks, Bush practiced for his face-offs with Vice President Gore by
    debating a 6-foot-tall wooden puppet with spasmodically flailing limbs
    and an overly rouged head. But aids also provided him with a secret
    weapon: the following "cheat sheet" of helpful reminders to refer to
    at any dicey juncture in the debates.

    Canada is the one up there; Mexico is the one down there.

    One plus one is two, two plus two is four, and anything bigger than
    that is "fuzzy."
    People from Lapland are called "Laplanders," not "Lap Dancers."
    There is no need to say that you are in favor of statehood for Hawaii.
    The Hague is the location of the World Court, not the Food Court.
    The correct address is 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
    "Egregious" means bad. It does not mean "agrees with Regis."
    Thomas Jefferson was a president of the United States; George
    Jefferson was the guy married to Weezy.
    There is no branch of government called "the digestive branch."
    In the middle of the debate, try to avoid saying, "I could sure use a
    nap right 'bout now."
    If they ask you what book you are reading, do not say "That really long
    one about history and junk."
    The president of Russia is Vladimir Putin, not Boris Badenov.
    There is no such thing as a Midwest peace process.
    Always remember to say, "I'm not sure I agree with my opponent on that
    issue" and not "All those long words he's using are really making
    my head hurt."
    Topics to avoid: Texas budget deficits, why Saddam Hussein is still in
    power, what you did between graduating Yale and being elected
    governor of Texas.
    It's East Timor, not East Jesus.
    Do not say, "I can't believe I'm missing 'Smackdown!' for this."
    Diana Ross is not now -- nor has she ever been -- a member of the
    Supreme Court.
    Remember, it's Dick Cheney, not "that old bald guy Dad made me pick."
    When in doubt, smirk.


    Ronald Reagan dies and God made a decision to send him to the hell. He objects and says: I dont want to go to the hell. I am the president of USA.
    God says: It doesnt matter who the hell you are. You must to be placed in the hell.
    Reagan says: It is not fair. Maybe there is some exception that you can refer to it and send me to the Paradise. Please check it out.
    God checks some of his files and documents and says: you are right, there is some authorizations which allow great people, musicians and scientists to go to the Paradise directly.
    Reagan says: so, I am Ronald Reagan, president of United State.
    God says: It doesnt make any sense. You must have some proofs. For instance, last week Einstein and Beethoven came here. They presented some documents, which illustrated that they were great people. Then they were sent to the Paradise.
    Reagan asks: who are these guys?
    God thinks for a moment and says: you can go to the Paradise. I just found out that you are the president of United State of America.


    President Clinton: The Screenplay
    by Mark Katz
    As appeared in the NEW YORK TIMES, 8/25/98, page A17



    From: Harry Bloodworth-Thomason
    Date: August 25, 1998


    I've been watching CNN, and I can't believe how many people think the
    bombing of terrorist sites in Sudan and Afghanistan is just part of a "Wag
    the Dog" scenario we've concocted.

    That's outrageous! I have never even seen "Wag the Dog"! And from what
    I've heard, there's no dog in it. And there aren't any dogs involved in
    this military action either, which confuses me even more.

    Is Buddy O.K.?

    But all this talk about "Wag the Dog" led me to think about some possible
    diversions. Let me know if there are any you want to green light.

    Let's do lunch!

    * "Saving Private Ryan" scenario -- Send Navy Seals to infiltrate
    China and bring back Charlie Trie, the former
    restauranteur who's on the lam after being charged with
    making illegal contributions. Then make him testify on
    Capitol Hill. Let's face it: Even a campaign finance
    scandal has got to be better than the Lewinsky situation.

    * "It's a Wonderful Life" scenario -- Ask America to contemplate
    this scary concept: What if Ross Perot had won the 1992

    * "Annie Hall" scenario -- You relocate to Los Angeles. Strike
    that. We should probably stay away from any reference to
    Woody Allen.

    * "Braveheart" scenario -- Exactly like "Wag the Dog" scenario,
    only we invade Scotland

    * "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" scenario -- Give a speech about
    national health care reform or some such and just keep
    talking for the remaining 20,573 hours of your Presidency.

    * "The Right Stuff" scenario -- John Glenn already had his joy
    ride in space. Maybe you just need to get away for a

    * "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" scenario -- Something
    involving James Carville. Idea still in development

    * "Jaws" scenario -- You get the press corps in the waters off
    of Martha's Vineyard. I'll take care of the rest.

    * "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" scenario -- You and Al
    throw caution to the wind and set off on a devil-may-care
    international crime spree. Or alternatively, Hillary
    and Tipper do a "Thelma and Louise" thing. Everyone
    knows it's the same movie.

    * "The Full Monty" scenario -- A last-ditch alternative only.

    * "All the President's Men" scenario -- Just kidding!


    President Gore Reminisces

    Washington, District of Columbia -- U.S. Vice-President Al Gore
    revealed on Friday that for purely technical reasons he was
    President of the United States last month, adding jocularly that
    his brief term was marked by peace in the country and the world.

    At the swearing-in ceremony here for Transport Secretary Rodney
    Slater, Gore explained that he took the oath of office on
    January 20 at 11:59 a.m., one minute before his and President
    Bill Clinton's mandates expired.

    Another five minutes passed before Clinton took his oath in the
    ceremony on the steps of Congress.

    "Some of the lawyers did say that for five minutes I was president
    of the United States of America," Gore said.

    "It was an important time for me, for my family and, if I may be
    so bold, for America.

    "History will record that the Gore administration had the fewest
    crimes committed of any administration in history, Republican or
    Democratic," he said.

    "There was peace at home and abroad. We had a low inflation, a
    booming economy. We created 3.1 jobs," he said.

    "You could hear patriotic hymns from the steps of the Capitol
    through the whole administration," Gore concluded.

    WhiteBoard News for Friday, February 21, 1997


    Interesting report - Date: Fri, 23 Jul 2004 04:17:36 -0700

    NEWSWEEK reports that President Bush, appearing before a right-to-life rally in Tampa, Florida on June 17, stated: "We must always remember that all human beings begin life as a feces. A Feces is a living being in the eyes of God, who has endowed that feces with all of the rights and God-given blessings of any other human being." The audience listened in disbelief as the President repeated his error at least a dozen times, before realizing that he had used the word 'feces" when he meant to say "fetus."

    Will Rogers once said: " I don't make jokes, I just watch the government and report the facts." Amazing, truly amazing!

    Punt the Pundit
    by Joe Lavin -- http://joelavin.com

    I have a great idea to boost voter turnout this November. Along
    with voting for Congress, perhaps we could also vote for
    television pundits. Obviously, voting the bastards out of
    Washington is fun, but wouldn't it also be fun to vote out some
    of the self-appointed experts that grace our television screens?

    I'm not exactly sure what you have to do to become a television
    pundit. In the past, you actually had to accomplish something to
    get on television, but now I don't know what the requirements
    are. Hell, these days, if you sell blue dresses at the Gap, you
    probably have a good shot at becoming a pundit.

    Seemingly, the only prerequisite for being a pundit is a short
    training class on repeatedly using the phrase "the American

    Pundit: "Well, Dan, I really think that there's absolutely no
    question that the American people think "

    American People: "Um, excuse me."

    Pundit: "Shut up!!!!!!!! I'm talking. Sorry, Dan, the American
    people were just interrupting me. Can we start over?"

    I'm still not sure how these pundits know so much about the
    American people. Considering that they never stop talking, when
    do they actually hear the American people? They might be
    experts on the sound of their own voices, but that seems to be
    about it. "Tom, our latest poll shows that 90% of me approves
    of the job that the sound of my voice is doing. Back to you."

    Some pundits are on TV so much that I'm amazed they have the
    time for real jobs. For example, I was watching television one
    night this summer when lawyer/pundit Alan Dershowitz took
    time out of his vacation in Maine to appear on a Boston station
    to discuss the suspension of Boston Globe columnist Mike
    Barnicle. Two hours later, I found Alan babbling about Bill
    Clinton on another channel. Some vacation. I'm scared to use
    my television when he's not on vacation.

    Meanwhile, The Washington Post had an interesting piece last
    week about a student at George Washington University who
    was sick of seeing Jonathan Turley, a law professor there, on
    television all the time talking about Bill Clinton. So, the student
    conducted an experiment. He called the professor identifying
    himself as a student and asked for an office appointment. A few
    minutes later, he had his roommate call the professor and claim
    to be an ABC news producer. The roommate's call was
    returned in 32 minutes; the student's call was never returned.
    Apparently, pundits don't even have to be good at their real jobs.

    Not that any of this is new. Pundits have been annoying us for
    several years now, but with the advent of the 24 hour news
    cycle, punditry is getting even sillier. Last night, I was watching
    CNBC where they were talking about (what else?) the
    President's approval ratings. It turns out that in a Washington
    Post poll 67% of Americans approved of the way the President
    is doing his job, while Newsweek found that only 58% of
    Americans approved of Bill's job performance. And so the
    anchor and her pundits spent the next five minutes trying to figure
    out which was the better poll.

    It was about as surreal as the news can get. I almost expected
    there to be another poll: "In our very latest poll, 73% of the
    American people approve of the Newsweek poll; however only
    47% approve of the Washington Post poll, showing a clear shift
    from the last poll we took just five minutes ago."

    Basically, to be a pundit all you really need are connections and
    an opinion. I'm thinking of becoming one myself. Maybe I could
    be the anti-pundit pundit. "That's a very interesting idea, Mr.
    Lavin, the idea that the American people don't really need
    pundits, that they are quite capable of thinking for themselves.
    Let's now bring in the rest of our panel. How do you all think
    that this notion will play with the American people? Do we have
    any polls on this?"

    Well, actually, on second thought we're probably doomed.

    Copyright 1998 by Joe Lavin


    Quiz for Students in Kansas Public Schools
    by Lloyd Fricker

    from BioMedNet

    The recent decision by the Kansas Board of Education to ban the teaching of evolution and anything else that disagrees with creationist views has left many people wondering, What will they teach in science classes? It's also left a few people wondering, Was this group the Board of Education or the Bored of Education? Well, we've obtained an authentic copy of a science test to be given to ninth graders in Kansas. As you can see from the following test, they do mention evolution and natural selection. Answers are given at the end.

    Quiz for Students in Kansas Public Schools

    1. How much time did it take for the creation of the universe and all the plants and animals?

    (a) 5 days.
    (b) 6 days.
    (c) 7 days.
    (d) 40 days and 40 nights.
    See answer

    2. All heavenly bodies revolve around:

    (a) the earth.
    (b) the moon.
    (c) Kansas.
    (d) the Kansas Board of Education.
    See answer

    3. The first humans were called:

    (a) Homo erectus.
    (b) Homo eroticus.
    (c) Adam and Eve.
    (d) Fred, Wilma, Betty, and Barney.
    See answer

    4. Charles Darwin was a bad person because:

    (a) he didn't believe in the Bible
    (b) he studied the clergy for two years but dropped out to go on a
    5-year cruise.
    (c) he married his cousin.
    (d) all of the above.
    See answer

    5. Natural selection is:

    (a) hair coloring.
    (b) a brand of granola.
    (c) an organic grocery store in Topeka, Kansas.
    (d) an herbal alternative to a drug.
    See answer

    6. The biggest problem with the theory of evolution is that it:

    (a) contradicts the word of G-d.
    (b) takes too long.
    (c) doesn't explain the existence of good and evil.
    (d) all of the above.
    See answer

    7. The Big Bang is:

    (a) another name for the celebration of Independence Day.
    (b) a Mafiosi expression meaning "to kill someone."
    (c) a pornographic movie.
    (d) all of the above.
    See answer

    8. The age of the universe is:

    (a) 7 days.
    (b) 40 days and 40 nights.
    (c) 6,000 years.
    (d) all of the above.
    See answer

    9. People who don't believe in the Bible's view of Creation are called:

    (a) heathen scum.
    (b) the devil's helpers.
    (c) scientists.
    (d) all of the above.
    See answer

    10.Write a 2 page essay on "How we know the Earth is flat." See answer

    1. (a) It took 5 days for the creation of the universe and all the plants and animals. If you answered "b" (6 days), you were probably thinking of the time it took to create the universe, the plants, the animals, and the people.
    See question

    2. (a) All heavenly bodies revolve around the Earth. If you answered Kansas, you were partially right since Kansas is the center of the Earth.
    See question

    3. (c) The first humans were called Adam and Eve. If you answered "d" you've been watching too much TV. If you answered "a" or "b" you should wash your mouth out with soap.
    See question

    4. (d) Charles Darwin was a bad person because of many things. He was basically a rotten evil person.
    See question

    5. (d) Natural selection is the term used when someone chooses a herbal medicine over a drug made by Satan-worshipping scientists.
    See question

    6. (d) The problem with the theory of evolution is all of the above: it contradicts eyewitness reports of God, who was the only one present at the time of creation. It also takes too long and doesn't explain why there would be good and evil.
    See question

    7. (a) The Big Bang is another term for a Fourth of July party. If you answered "c," we will notify your parents.
    See question

    8. (c) The age of the universe is 6,000 years. If you answered "d" (all of the above), you are logic-impaired and need to take remedial math classes.
    See question

    9. (d) People who don't believe in the Bible's description of Creation are called many bad names including heathen scum, the devil's helpers, and scientists. These names all mean the same thing.
    See question

    10. The answers will vary for this essay question on "how we know the Earth is flat", but all should include the following points:
    See question

    (a) It's the way it's described in the ancient teachings.

    (b) Columbus was mistaken in thinking he'd sailed to India - it was really just some islands off the coast of America.

    (c) The earth sure looks flat in Kansas.


    Reasonable Link - Political

    Report: Hostess May Have Marketed Unhealthy 'Twinkies' To Minors
    by The Onion

    WASHINGTON, DC -- According to a controversial Federal Trade Commission
    report released Tuesday, food manufacturer Hostess may have
    intentionally marketed "Twinkies" -- a dangerous snack cake linked to
    obesity and hyperactivity -- to minors.

    "There is substantial evidence supporting the claim that, for decades,
    Hostess has carried out an aggressive marketing campaign with the goal
    of promoting Twinkie use among underage consumers," the FTC report
    read. "Our nation's children have been targeted for the consumption of
    these fattening, unwholesome cakes at a vulnerable age, before they are
    old enough to make responsible decisions about health and nutrition."

    The report also stated that "as a result of Hostess' targeting of
    minors, millions of young bodies have been exposed to potentially
    harmful substances such as fat, sugar, cholesterol, polysorbate 60,
    calcium sulfate, partially hydrogenated vegetable oil and caramel

    Among the questionable Hostess marketing tactics the FTC report cites:
    positioning Twinkies billboards in the direct view of schoolyards,
    airing Twinkies ads on Saturday-morning TV and, most notably, developing
    and aggressively promoting "Twinkie The Kid," a smiling, lariat-wielding
    cowboy cartoon mascot shaped like a Hostess Twinkie.

    "With Twinkie The Kid, Hostess has deliberately set out to glamorize the
    Twinkie-eating lifestyle among our nation's young people," the report
    read. "Since Hostess' introduction of this Twinkie-advocating cartoon
    spokescake in 1975, use of the product among 12- to 18-year-olds has
    risen an alarming 240 percent."

    "Eating Twinkies is cool," said Emporia, KS, 16-year-old Jason Warriner,
    who has been a Twinkie user since age 11. "I didn't like them at first,
    but all my friends were eating them, so I started doing it too because I
    wanted to fit in. Now, I love them -- I'm practically addicted."

    "Twinkies are the best," said Utica, NY, 14-year-old Chris Petoskey.
    "My mom won't let me have them, but I sneak out and eat them behind the
    7-11 whenever I get the chance."

    Alarmed by the product's rise in popularity among minors, U.S. Sen. John
    McCain (R-AZ) recently drafted legislation aimed at curbing underage
    Twinkie use. The bill, which allocates $255 million for PSAs and
    after-school specials like ABC's recent The Boy Who Liked Twinkies,
    would also prohibit the snack cake from being advertised in
    youth-oriented publications like Boys' Life and Archie comics.
    Additionally, it would also ban the airing of TV ads featuring Twinkie
    The Kid before 10 p.m. Similar Hostess characters, including Captain
    Cupcake, Chauncey Chocodile, King Don and Fruit Pie The Magician, were
    voluntarily pulled from the air in the late '70s amid similar

    Hostess received more bad news Tuesday, when 17 states joined together
    to file a $206 billion class-action suit to settle claims over the costs
    associated with treating overweight Twinkie eaters. The suit is based
    on a precedent-setting 1996 case in which a North Carolina jury held
    Tastykake responsible for a 460-pound Creme Krimpies addict's death.
    Tastykake was ordered to pay the victim's family $950,000, the
    largest-ever award of punitive damages in a snack-food-related casualty.

    Despite numerous American Medical Association studies linking Twinkies
    to obesity, hyperactivity and tooth decay, Hostess officials vehemently
    denied that sustained use of their product causes any adverse health

    "Contrary to AMA claims, there is no conclusive evidence demonstrating
    that regular consumption of Twinkies poses any significant health risk
    to the eater," Hostess chief corporate counsel Richard Weingarten said.
    "Furthermore, the character of Twinkie The Kid is a thoroughly adult
    character who engages only in mature activities not in any way
    recommended for children, such as law enforcement and rodeo theatrics.
    Twinkies are as safe and socially responsible as they are delicious."

    Added Weingarten: "Responsible, consenting adults get a big delight in
    every bite of Hostess Twinkies."


    • Bad Bill Hunting
    • Bubba Buh-bye
    • Careericide!
    • Doin' The Hillbilly Heave
    • Footing the Bill
    • Premature Ejection
    • Proving Once Again That We Are Nothing But A Bunch Of Bitter Mean-Spirited Partisans Who Oppose Any President Who Promotes Policies Which Are Favorable To Blacks, Women, Non-Christians or Homosexuals
    • Taking Bill out Behind the Woodshed
    • Termus Interruptus
    • The Constitutional Gong Show
    • Vast Conspiracy Project, Page #349832-J
    • Coup Process Under the Law
    • Keeping MSNBC in Business
    • L'Etat, C'est Nous, Dickhead
    • Lancing a Boil
    • Passing a Bill
    • Pinning the Tale on the Donkey
    • Politician Assisted Suicide
    • Removing the Stinger
    • Taking the Rod to the Staff
    • The Affair to Remember
    • The Sour Grapes Slam
    • Throwing Out the Bubba With the Bathwater
    • Stain Removal
    • Burning a Bridge to the 21st Century
    • Late Term Abortion
    • POTUS Interruptus
    • Pre-losing the 2000 Elections, For Your Voting Convenience
    • Election '96 -- The Recount
    • Doing What the American People Would Want if They All Weren't So Damn Stupid
    • Letting Al Drive the Bus
    • Popping the First Zit
    • Taking a Little Off the Top
    • Cutting the Big Cheese

    Republican Heritability
    by Daniel Mendelsohn

    The startling discovery that affiliation with the Republican party is
    genetically determined, announced by scientists in the current issue of
    the journal Nurture, threatens to overshadow the announcement by
    Government scientists that there might be a gene for homosexuality in men.

    Reports of the gene that codes for political conservatism, discovered
    after a long study of quintuplets in Orange County CA, has sent shock
    waves through medical, political and golfing communities.

    Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long believed that Republicans'
    unnatural and frequently unconstitutional tendencies result from
    unhealthy family life--a remarkably high percentage of Republicans had
    authoritarian, domineering fathers and emotionally distant mothers who
    didn't teach them how to be kind and gentle. But biologists have long
    suspected that conservatism is inherited. "After all" said one author of
    the Nurture article, "It's quite common for a Republican to have a brother
    or sister who is a Republican."

    The finding has been greeted with relief by parents and friends of
    Republicans, who have tended to blame themselves for the political views
    of otherwise lovable people--their children, friends and unindicted

    One mother, a longtime Democrat, clasped her hands in ecstasy on hearing
    of the findings. "I just knew it was genetic," she said, seated beside her
    two sons, both avowed Republicans. "I just knew nobody would actually
    CHOOSE that lifestyle!" When asked what the Republicans' lifestyle was,
    she said, "Well, you can just tell from watching TV, like at the convention
    in Houston: the loud outfits, the flaming xenophobia, the flamboyant
    demagogy--you know."

    Both sons said they had suspected their Republicanism from an early age
    but did not confirm it until in college, when they became convinced it
    wasn't just a phase they were going through.

    Despite the near certainty of the medical community about Republicanism's
    genetic origins, troubling issues remain. The Nurture article offered no
    response to the suggestion that the startlingly high incidence of
    Republicanism among siblings could result from the fact that they share
    not only genes but also psychological and emotional attitudes, being the
    products of the same parents and family dynamics.

    And it remains to be explained why so many avowed Democrats are known to
    vote Republican occasionally--or at least known to fantasize about doing
    so. Polls show that at three out of five Democrats admit to having had a
    Republican experience. In well-adjusted people, however, this
    experimentation rarely outlasts adolescence.

    Surprisingly, some Republican activists hail the findings as a step
    forward rather than as an invitation to more conservophobia. They argue
    that since Republicans didn't "choose" their unwholesome life style any
    more than someone "chooses" to have a ski-jump nose, they shouldn't be
    denied civil rights to which normal people are entitled.

    Other Republicans, recalling 19th century scientific studies that
    "proved" the mental inferiority of blacks, find the frenzied search for
    the biological cause of Republicanism pointless if not downright sinister.

    But for most real Americans, the discovery opens a window on a brighter
    tomorrow. In a few years, gene therapy could eradicate Republicanism

    If conservatism is not the result of sheer orneriness (as many suspect)
    but is something Republicans can't help and probably don't even like,
    there's no reason why we shouldn't tolerate Republicans in the military
    or even high elected office--provided they don't flaunt their political


    How many Republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Four hundred and sixty-two:

    1. Twelve to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old

    2. Twenty-three to deregulate the light bulb industry,

    3. Sixteen to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D,

    4. Thirty-four to cut the tax rate on light bulbs,

    5. Fifty-three to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb,

    6. Forty-one to talk with defense contractors about night-vision gear

    7. Two hundred and eighty-three to pass a law making it illegal to
    discuss naked bulbs (or screwing anything) on the Internet.


    Republican Test

    Flabby? Weak? Old? Fat? White? Have no fear; your friends are here! If you
    would like to join up with people just like
    yourself, take this handy-dandy aptitude test and see if you qualify.
    Minorities need not bother, unless they are an ex-athelete.

    1. NRA stands for

    A. National Rifle Association

    B. Nuts Running Amok

    c. Nature's Revenge Association

    2. Newt Gingrich is

    A. A mean, lying hypocrite who served up his divorce papers to his wife
    while she was on her cancer death bed, and allowed his children to
    become so destitute that their church had to take up a collection
    to feed and clothe them, who supported Vietnam but didn't go due to
    an "old knee injury" which doesn't seem to mess with his jogging
    routine much these days.

    B. the Speaker of the House

    C. A war hero, poster boy for family values, and a hell of a model American.

    3. Anyone who talks bad about any Republican is

    A. Excercising their First Amendment rights to free speech.

    B. a lying pinko commie traitor homosexual.

    C. to be shot immediately, like they do in China.

    4. Rush Limbaugh is

    A. a long-winded contradictory lying fat-ass with the charm of Hitler and
    the good looks of Roscoe P. Coltrane.

    B. an ex-talk show host and author of two successful books.

    C. the only show we're allowed to watch, here at the militia compound.

    5. If presented with a loaded gun, I would

    A. empty it and put it someplace safe

    B. test fire it in the backyard at some bricks

    C. go out lookin' for Bubba McCoy, that sumbitch owes me $75.

    6. I listen to Willie Nelson because

    A. his music has a nice beat and it's fun to sing along with.

    B. my daddy played him when we'd go shewtin' rats.

    C. he's the only man with ponytails that ain't a fag.

    7. I drive a

    A. Big-ass pickup truck.

    B. Big rig.

    C. Mobile home.

    8. Bob Dole was born immediately after

    A. World War I

    B. the Renaissance

    C. Creation

    9. Dan Quayle was elected vice president because

    A. he was an educated, charming young choice.

    B. he ran against Dukakis and that broad.

    C. people were nostalgic for Howdy Doody.

    10. If you found a credit card

    A. I would return it to the owner, undergoing whatever pains and
    hassles neccessary.

    B. throw it away; it's probably been replaced and cancelled already.


    11. Out of all the following Republicans, who served in the Vietnam war: Newt
    Gingrich, Clarence Thomas, Rush Limbaugh, Dan Quayle, and George Will.

    A. Not a single one.

    B. All but Quayle (he was what, 6 at the time?)

    C. All of them served, and I resent the implication that they didn't, you
    commie pinko traitor homosexual!

    12. If I saw Rush Limbaugh on the street, I would

    A. Be too overcome with hero worship to do anything but maybe piss myself.

    B. Shake his hand and talk to him.

    C. Beat the shit out of him.

    13. If my son said he was gay, I would

    A. Accept it as a valid alternative lifestyle and not think any the worse
    of him.

    B. Try as hard as I could to forget about it, but secretly resent him until
    the day I or he died.

    C. Smack him around, disown him, and leave him bleeding in the dirt. Fag.

    14. Your wife decides she wants to get a job. Your reaction is

    A. Support; she's your most treasured lifemate.

    B. Ambivalence; as long as the meals continue to get cooked on time.

    C. Outrage; women belong in the home either taking care of kids or pregnant
    with them.

    15. Bill Clinton is president because

    A. He was the most popular choice at the time.

    B. This country is full of bleeding heart hippies.

    C. The aliens and the queers got him elected. They're in it with the commies.

    Okay, now here's your score chart: 1.A 2.C 3.C 4.B or C 5.C 6.B AND C 7.A, B,
    AND C 8.A 9.A 10.C 11.C 12.A 13.C 14.C 15.C

    You must have gotten every single one right, or else you can't "hang" with us, as
    the youngsters say these days! If you missed a few, you get 50 bonus points for lying
    about it, though; after all, that's what we're all about!

    (NOTE: for all you pink commie liberal traitor homasexual dissenters, here's the
    REAL answers:) 1. B 2.A 3.A 4.A 5.A 6.A 7.D none of the above 8.C 9.C 10.A or B 11.A
    12.C over and over 13.A 14.A 15.A


    • Republicans say "Merry Christmas!"
      Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"
    • Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.
      Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.
    • Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes.
      Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
    • Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
      Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.
    • When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine.
      Democrats ask for a "Bud."
    • When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog.
      Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television.
    • Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart.
      So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.
    • Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids.
      Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.
    • Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
      Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at night to look at *other* people's lights.
    • Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."
      Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."
      Right-Wing Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "Die Hard."
    • Republicans always take the price tag off expensive gifts before wrapping.
      Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ... and reposition them to make sure they are seen.
    • Democrats wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season.
      Republicans do too, all year round.
    • Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards.
      Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.
    • Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Deck the Halls".
      Young Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer".
      Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas".
      Young Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas".
    • Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree.
      Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.
      Green Democrats buy a real tree with roots, and then replant it after New Years.
    • Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play "Cowboys and Indians."
      Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians win.
    • Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus.
      Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.
    • Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals.
      On this, Republicans are in full agreement.

    1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
    The White House, USA


    I ran for Congress and lost.

    I produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.

    I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas;
    company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

    I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal
    that took land using taxpayer money.
    Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.

    With my father's help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.


    I changed pollution laws for power and oil companies
    and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union.

    I replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog ridden city in
    Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in
    borrowed money.
    Set record for most executions by any Governor in American history.

    I became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes,
    with the help of my father's appointments to the Supreme Court.


    I attacked and took over two countries.

    I spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.

    I shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.

    I set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12
    month period.

    I set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock

    I am the first president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.

    I am the first president in US history to enter office with a criminal

    I am the first president in office to set the all-time record
    for most days on vacation in their first year by any president in US

    After taking the entire month of August off for vacation,
    I presided over the worst security failure in US history (9-11).

    I set the record for most campaign fundraising trips than any other
    president in US history.

    In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.

    I cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any
    president in US history.

    I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.

    I appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions
    than any president in US history.

    I set the record for the least amount of press conferences
    than any president since the advent of television.

    I signed more laws and executive orders amending the U.S. Constitution
    than any president in US history.

    I presided over the biggest energy crisis in US history
    and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.

    I presided over the highest gasoline prices in US history
    and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.

    I cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.

    I set the all-time record for
    most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest
    (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any
    person in the history of mankind (http://www.hyperreal.org/~dana/marches ).

    I dissolved more international treaties than any president in US

    My presidency is the most secretive and unaccountable of any in US

    Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US
    (The 'poorest' multimillionaire, Condoleeza Rice has a Chevron oil
    tanker named after her).

    I am the first president in US history
    to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.

    I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market
    in any country in the history of the world.

    I am the first president in US history to
    order a US attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation,
    and I did so against the will of the United Nations and the world

    I created the largest gov't dept. bureaucracy in the history of the US.

    I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases,
    more than any president in US history.

    I am the first president in US history
    to have the United Nations remove the US from the human rights

    I am the first president in US history
    to have the United Nations remove the US from the elections monitoring

    I removed more checks and balances,
    and have the least amount of congressional oversight
    than any presidential administration in US history.

    I rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.

    I withdrew from the World Court of Law.

    I refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war
    and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.

    I am the first president in US history
    to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US

    I am the all-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate
    campaign donations.

    My biggest lifetime campaign contributor,
    who is also one of my best friends,
    presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world
    (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of ENRON Corporation).

    I spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in US

    I am the first president
    to run and hide when the US came under attack
    (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)

    I am the first US president to establish a secret shadow government.

    I took the biggest world sympathy for the US after 9-11,
    and in less than a year made the US the most resented country in the
    (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history).

    I, with a policy of 'disengagement',
    created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30

    I am the first US president in history
    to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency
    as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.

    I am the first US president in history
    to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the US
    than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.

    I changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded gov't

    I set all-time record for number of administration appointees who
    violated US law
    by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government

    I failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'Dead or Alive'.

    I failed to capture the Anthrax killer
    who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the US Capitol
    After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects.

    In the 18 months following the 9-11 attacks
    I have successfully prevented any public investigation
    into the biggest security failure in the history of the US (9-11).

    I removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans
    than any other president in US history. (The Patriot Act)

    In a little over two years I created the most divided country in
    possibly the most divided the US has ever been since the Civil War.

    I entered office with the strongest economy in US history
    and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading
    straight down.


    I have at least one conviction for Drunk Driving in Maine
    (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available).

    I was AWOL from The National Guard and deserted the military during a
    time of war.

    I refuse to take a drug test or even answer any questions about drug

    All records of my tenure as governor of Texas
    have been spirited away to my fathers library,
    sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

    All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or
    bankrupt companies
    are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

    All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board
    are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

    Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended
    regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for
    public review.

    For personal references,
    please speak to my Daddy or Uncle, James Baker
    (They can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for


    • She just did it all to meet Roger Clinton.
    • "Bill CLINTON?!? All this time, I thought they were saying Bill *CLIFTON*, this guy I met at Starbucks! Hey, everybody, never mind, okay? My bad."
    • Deal with Ken Starr included private "oral deposition" and "lap dance for immunity."
    • Monica admits the President's DNA was on that blue dress, but she swears the stain was already there when she borrowed the dress from George Stephanopoulos.
    • The President was really sorry there wasn't more room under his desk for snuggling.
    • While in the throes of passion, Bill promised Monica Delaware and Rhode Island.
    • The most powerful man on the planet is deathly afraid of teeth.
    • She never actually wore a thong; her size 14 ass just made it look that way.
    • It's damn near impossible to say "fellatio" without an "L" sound.
    • There's a 200-year-old collection of Presidential chewing gum under the Oval Office desk.
    • Pet name for the Presidential appendage: "Little Rock"
    • Things really got confusing when the president suggested she, "Take a trip to Mount Vernon."
    • She's a vapid, brainless dullard desperate for any pitiful shred of media exposure. And we learn some things about Monica as well.

    To the citizens of the United States of America:

    Following your failure to elect anybody, either a half decent candidate or a B-movie actor as President of the USA to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume a monarch's duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:

    1. Look up "revoke" in a dictionary

    2. Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God Save the Queen"

    3. Start referring to "soccer" as football

    4. Declare war on Quebec and France

    5. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason

    6. Learn to play cricket

    7. Enjoy warm flat beer and British cuisine

    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday

    9. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take 6 weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks

    10. Driving on the left is now compulsory

    Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation and... have a jolly nice day and incidentally, Thanksgiving is


    Rudy in Reverse
    By Maureen Dowd

    From the NY TIMES, 6/6/99

    Even at this distance, you can almost hear Rudy raving, the shrill
    sound of one Mayor carping:

    So she's going to do it. Bring her on. I can take her.

    She wouldn't know the IRT from the I.R.S. But she thinks she deserves to
    be a senator from New
    York just because she's a victim?

    Fine. I can do that. I can be a victim. I can pry some of that sympathy
    vote away from her.

    Up until now, I've been doing the victimizing. I've been raining
    punishment on New York. I'm very
    proud to be the only politician of our time who owes my success to my
    reputation as a victimizer.

    I'm taking all the fun out of Fun City. I'm closing down all the places
    that Bill Clinton would love to
    visit when he moves here.

    Hillary used to be known as a victimizer, too. But then she realized
    that in order to be a hero in this
    country, she had to become a victim. And she was lucky. She was married
    to Bill Clinton. All she
    had to do was wait. Victimization was inevitable.

    Bill's romp with Monica transformed Hillary into the most popular,
    lovable woman in the country.
    Girls jump out of crowds to touch the hem of her garment. She's Our Lady
    of Perpetual Conjugal
    Suffering, the patron saint of every woman who's ever been wronged.

    It's not even going to be a campaign. It's just going to be a massive
    ego trip (hers, not mine).
    Everything is all about her and her sense of entitlement. It's like "The
    First Wives Club," Part II.

    But I can take her. No sweat. All I need to do is make myself the
    perfect Giuliani victim. It's Giuliani
    time for Giuliani. After years of giving pain to New Yorkers, now I need
    New Yorkers to feel my

    How can I show vulnerability? How can I soften, even feminize, myself?
    How can I become a figure
    of pathos?

    It's not enough that I have no neck, a bad combover and a scary smile.
    It will take a lot more than
    that to make people feel sorry for me.

    I need to be punished. I need to be dealt a blow by fate. I need to be
    ennobled by suffering. I need
    to cry a little bit and sigh a little bit.

    I could ask Donna to pitch in. I could prevail upon her to order some
    pizza from a hunky City Hall
    intern on a Saturday night when no one else is around. I could get her
    to do a Bob Dole and trash my
    campaign to The New York Times, maybe even throw her feminist support to
    Hillary. That would
    humanize me!

    I'll start jaywalking all the time. I'll start spitting while I'm
    jaywalking. Maybe some unfeeling cop will
    give me a ticket, or better still, insult my ethnicity.

    I'll let Goalie run around without a leash. If the city catches and
    destroys my dog, all of New York
    will pity me.

    I'll turn up the Puccini on the car radio to 69 decibels, arrest myself
    for "unreasonable noise," find
    myself guilty, lock myself up, and complain loudly about my Draconian

    I'll hail a cab, but all the cabbies will pass me by. When one finally
    picks me up, the Sally Jessy
    Raphael tape will keep skipping.

    I'll gorge on hot dogs from the vendors I tried to shut down and then
    suffer terrible indigestion, which
    will be my just deserts.

    I'll loosen up by learning to do the Booty-Call line dance, like Al
    Gore. At ladies' choice, nobody will
    ask me to dance. What a sad sack I will be.

    I'll beat Hillary to the Martha Stewart punch and publish "Rudolph
    Giuliani's Guide to Entertaining at
    Gracie Mansion."

    I'll hire Dick Morris; everybody feels sorry for his clients.

    I'll go on morning television and moan about a vast left-wing
    conspiracy, from Balthazar to Barney

    I'll be conspicuously nestled in one of the community gardens reading
    House & Garden.

    I'll shop at Restoration Hardware. I won't buy fireplace tools, with
    which I might hurt someone. I'll
    buy scented candles.

    I'll sit in for Regis and powwow with Kathy Lee on gun violence.

    I'll summon reporters to my office and dramatically confess that I've
    had bouts of depression.

    I'll go to the Lilith Fair, and wonder out loud why Joan Osborne's
    second record hasn't been

    I'll get caught buying pornography, if I can find any.

    And if the new Rudy doesn't carry the day, I'll declare martial law.


    The Scandal of the Language of Scandal
    by Joe Lavin (http://joelavin.com)

    Perhaps the most significant legacy of the Clinton sex scandal will be
    its contribution to the English language. Is it just me or are there
    brand new euphemisms popping up every day? If someone returned to the
    US after a ten year trip, would he or she have any clue what Dan
    Rather is talking about when he keeps mentioning the "President's
    DNA." Or the word "arouse." Didn't there used to be a time when you
    didn't immediately think of Bill Clinton when you heard that word?

    And then, of course, there's our esteemed President himself, the
    virtuoso of the English language. I believe him when he says that he
    "technically" didn't lie. He is, after all, the one person alive who
    can probably tell the truth and lie at the same time. Put him on a lie
    detector test, and he would probably pass every time. Technically
    might as well be his middle name.

    Personally, I'm in awe of the way he only admits to things that nobody
    can actually define. I'm just waiting for him to announce that it
    wasn't a lie in January when he denied having improper relations with
    Monica. "I may have had inappropriate relations with her, but I sure
    didn't have any improper relations." He will announce calmly to the
    nation, after which his approval ratings will surge into the eighties.
    By the way, does anyone out there know exactly what "having
    inappropriate relations" means? "I have a rude aunt. Does that count?"
    My friend Dawn wanted to know the day after the speech.

    Having said all this, it's time to defend the President for a moment.
    Frankly, the pundits/politicians are starting to get on my nerves.
    Let's face it. The President's speech really wasn't that bad. I'm
    getting sick of hearing everyone complain that he didn't apologize. He
    may not have used the words "sorry" or "apologize," but so what? It
    sure sounded like an apology to me. He said "misled" instead of "lie."
    Big deal. If we're going to quibble about these little details, we'll
    be playing the same game with language that the President plays every

    There is obviously another reason for the disappointment in the
    speech. Just remember that whenever you turn on the television and
    hear people complaining about the President's speech -- that he didn't
    apologize enough, that he shouldn't have attacked Ken Starr, that the
    American people deserve to know the whole truth and nothing but the
    truth -- what they are really expressing is their heartfelt
    disappointment that the President's speech did not contain the word

    This speech was, after all, the biggest entertainment event of the
    summer. (My roommate Anna even made popcorn for it.) We were not there
    for politics. We tuned in because as grossed out as we are by the
    whole thing we wanted to see how much the President would have to
    admit. Sure, we didn't expect any details, but we wanted to be there
    just in case the President of the United States suddenly took out
    diagrams the way Ross Perot used to and dove into all the explicit
    details of his, er, DNA activities.

    And one final note. Could we please have some sort of moratorium on
    the use of the word "blow" in news reports about this. I don't mean to
    act like Beavis or Butthead here, but for a few days every time I
    flipped past the news there was some reporter exclaiming, "Well, Brit,
    this is a serious blow to the President." I almost wanted to start up
    some sort of drinking game in which you have to drink every time you
    hear a reporter use that phrase. Meanwhile, Orrin Hatch, a Republican
    Senator from Utah and no doubt Chairman of the Senate Pencil-Necked
    Geeks Committee, announced on CNN, "I'm so angry I want to blow my
    cork." Orrin, dude, could we come up with a better metaphor? Please?
    You have speech writers. Use them.

    At any rate, we all know that the scandal and its $40 million
    investigation is far from over. With our luck, we'll still be watching
    it unfold as we get ready to cross that lovely bridge to the 21st
    century. Talk about a serious blow to the country.

    Copyright 1998 by Joe Lavin

    Joe Lavin's Humor Column is published every Tuesday at:

    For a free subscription, send a message to:
    In the body of the message, please type: subscribe humor-list your e-mail address


    Shame And You - Political

    Heard on C-Span the night of President Clinton's economic address...

    Chelsea wasn't feeling well at her private school. She went to the infirmary
    to get some aspirin. The nurse discovered that nobody had ever signed
    a parental consent form to authorize the school to dispense medicine to
    the First Kid.

    The nurse told Chelsea that they needed to contact one of her parents for
    permission to give her aspirin. Chelsea told her, "Oh, please call Daddy.
    Mom's far too busy."


    • Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
    • Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing."
    • His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy."
    • Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.
    • Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"
    • At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"
    • Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.
    • Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"
    • On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a lifeline.

    We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers had promised to leave the country if George W. Bush became President. With that in mind, we have a Special Offer for those who want to keep their promise!

    Attention: Would Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell, Cher, Phil Donahue, David Geffen, Barbara Streisand, Pierre Salinger, and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all US assets and report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise, "Elation," which has been commissioned to take you to your new vacation homes in Afghanistan. You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq. The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise.

    Please pack for an extended stay... at least four years and you should consider the possibility of eight years.

    Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may not bring any.

      Staffing your voyage is
    • Bill Clinton as captain,
    • Al Gore as cruise director,
    • Monica Lewinsky as recreation director,
    • Ted Kennedy as lifeguard and emergency procedures director,
    • and Congressman Gary Condit as intern coordinator.

    If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes,friends and loved ones, please direct your comments to Senator Hillary Clinton. Her village can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return.

    Bon Voyage!

    Is this a great country or what!


    This is from the most popular 2003 calendar: Speeches
    from the Throne!

    Actual Quotes from President George W. Bush Speeches:

    "The inhabitants of Greece are the Grecian."

    "The French don't have a word for 'Entrepreneur'."

    "The vast majority of our imports come from outside
    the country."

    "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

    "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made
    good judgments in the future."

    "The future will be better tomorrow."

    "We're going to have the best educated American people
    in the world."

    "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

    "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of
    NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a
    part of Europe."

    "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people
    going to the polls."

    "For NASA, space is still a high priority."

    "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that
    teach our children."

    "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.
    It's the impurities in our air and water that are
    doing it."

    "It's time for the human race to enter the solar


    Speechwriters - Political

    Starr Opens Drive to Get Thomas Jefferson Off Mount Rushmore
    by Jonathan Dobrer

    Rumors have circulated around Washington DC for centuries that the late
    President Thomas Jefferson had had an inappropriate sexual relationship
    with Sally Hemings. Recent DNA tests seem to have proven these shocking
    allegations to be true. However a dissenting opinion was put forth by
    Barry Sheck and Johnnie Cochran who held that the DNA tests were corrupted
    by the failure of 19th century morticians to take proper measures to
    protect Jefferson's body form cross contamination by other corpses. They
    are currently petitioning the court for permission to exhume every dead
    male who lived within 100 miles of Jefferson's Monticello estate in order
    to find the "real" father. President Clinton had no comment other than
    denying that he'd ever been alone with Ms. Hemings.

    Independent Council Kenneth Starr has requested that Janet Reno broaden his
    mandate in order to determine whether Jefferson's alleged misconduct
    warrants removing his image from Mount Rushmore. "This is not about Sex,"
    Mr. Starr said, responding testily to questions about his seeming
    obsession. "This is about the law. It is very clear that according legal
    statutes in 19th century Virginia, sex between the races was a crime, and
    Ms. Hemings was, according to undisputed historic record, colored."

    Mr. Starr went on to defend his investigation by asserting that even if one
    were willing to overlook the laws against miscegenation, which Jefferson
    must have broken in order to have fathered a child with Ms. Hemings there
    are current statutes which were also violated. Ms. Hemings was, at the
    time that this alleged affair took place, a slave. Therefore she may not
    have been fully competent to give informed consent. The fact that there
    was a huge power imbalance between the President of the United States and a
    black slave woman may subject President Jefferson to charges ranging from
    creating a hostile work environment, to sexual harassment, and could
    possibly be charged as sexual battery or rape.

    Jefferson defenders counter that they may not have technically had sex, if
    she was either asleep or drunk. This would have meant that he had sex with
    her but not she with him, and therefore they didn't have sex. Starr's
    reaction to this sophistry was, "Close but no cigar." Pundits have been
    busy parsing the many meanings of this utterance.

    Democrats continued to defend Jefferson by holding that this was a matter
    of a private relationship and accusing Republicans of literally digging up
    an old story. Republicans responded that the real issue wasn't sex but
    character. Had Jefferson not written all those articles opposing sex
    between the races, this would be less serious. But character does count
    and lying to the American people clearly disqualifies Jefferson from being
    either a hero or a role model.

    When criticized for over-reaching his original mandate, Starr argued that
    he should be empowered to investigate any American President with Jefferson
    anywhere in his name.

    Last seen moving up town to his $6,000 per month apartment, Judge Starr
    demanded that Jefferson's visage be immediately sandblasted and
    reconfigured as a real hero, Torquemada. He also filed a motion to prevent
    reruns of The Jeffersons from being aired. This final act did found
    uncharacteristic bi-partisan support


    Starr Subpoenas 500-Year-Old Inca Mummy

    After being reminded by the new book "Spin Cycle" that President Clinton
    once said if he were single he would ask her out, independent counsel
    Ken Starr subpoenaed the 500-year-old Inca mummy Clinton referred to in
    1996 after viewing it at a National Geographic exhibit in Washington.
    The extraordinarily well-preserved mummy, known as "Juanta" had been
    discovered in Peru. Clinton, speaking at a fund-raiser at the time,
    said, "If I were single, I'd ask that mummy out. That's one good
    looking mummy."

    Starr said that it was appropriate as part of his Whitewater
    investigation to explore all possible relationships the president may
    have had with women and later coached to deny. "We have reason to
    believe that mummy received special treatment and a possible job offer
    from Revlon for her silence," Starr said.

    Assisting in the appearance of the mummy in front of the grand jury in
    Washington will be five of the independent counsel's toughest
    interrogators. "We believe the White House has been orchestrating the
    witnesses to maintain a code of silence but we intend to break this
    one," one of Starr's prosecutors said privately.


    Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.


    Three Texas Surgeons

    Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries
    they had performed.

    One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7
    fingers in an accident, I re attached them, and 8 months later he
    performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

    One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and
    legs in an accident, I re attached them, and 2 years later he won a gold
    medal in field events in the Olympics."

    The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a guy
    who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train
    travailing 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's
    ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."


    One More:

    Four surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on. The
    first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because
    when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
    The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside
    them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians
    are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

    But the fourth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.
    Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no
    balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable

    Yes, this is a chain letter. It won't cost you anything, but like most chain letters, you've got to follow the directions exactly.

    Bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the name at the top of the list. Then, add your name and address to the bottom of the list, remove the first name from the list, and send this to your five closest friends.

    When your name reaches the top, you'll receive 15,625 women, ONE of which has to better than the one you've got now. Don't break the chain or you're liable to wind up with your old lady again!


    Willie C

    Bill Clinton
    1600 Pennsylvania Ave
    Washington DC

    William Jefferson Clinton
    1600 Pennsylvania Ave
    Washington DC

    W. J. Clinton
    1600 Pennsylvania Ave
    Washington DC

    William Clinton
    1600 Pennsylvania Ave
    Washington DC

    W. Jefferson Clinton
    1600 Pennsylvania Ave
    Washington DC

    William J. Clinton
    1600 Pennsylvania Ave
    Washington DC

    Slick Willie Clinton
    1600 Pennsylvania Ave
    Washington, DC


    If an Insect Falls in Your Cup of Coffee- what would
    you do? Here is one analysis:
    1.The Englishman: Throws the cup away and walks out of the cafe
    2.The American: Takes the insect out and drinks the coffee
    3.The Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the coffee away
    4.The Besieged Palestinian: Drinks the coffee and the insect
    5.The Israeli:
    * Sells the coffee to the American and the insect to the Chinese
    * Screams that his security is in peril
    * Accuses the Palestinians of throwing the insect in his coffee
    * Alleges that Hizbullah, the Syrians and the Iranians advocate
    attacks with weapons of mass insects
    * Relates this vicious attack to Palestinian Terrorism, Attacks on
    Human Rights, Ani-Semitism, the Holocaust, the Diaspora, the Exodus,
    Descrimination against Noah's Ark
    * Commands Arafat to immediately stop insects from flying in the air
    or landing in coffee cups
    * Re-occupies the West Bank and Gaza, razes houses, cuts off water and
    electricity, humiliates and terrorizes civilians,
    kills or maims anyone in his way.
    * Imposes more military aid on the American
    * Demands a 100-year, billion-dollar, loan from America to buy another
    cup of coffee
    * Claims life-time free coffee from the cafe as compensation

    The Dangers of Bread

    A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "SMELL OF BAKED BREAD MAY BE
    HEALTH HAZARD." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of
    baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components
    of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).

    I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced
    global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the
    government going to go after Big Bread?

    Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make
    anyone think twice ....

    More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

    Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
    score below average on standardized tests.

    In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the
    average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were
    unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as
    typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.

    More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of
    eating bread.

    Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that
    as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The
    average American eats more bread than that in one month!

    Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of
    cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis.

    Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and
    given only water to eat, actually begged for bread after only two days.

    Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to harder items
    such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.

    Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than
    90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being
    taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey
    bread-pudding person.

    Newborn babies can choke on bread.

    Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That
    kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

    Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
    significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

    In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread

    No sale of bread to minors.

    No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.

    A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills
    we might associate with bread.

    No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to
    children) may be used to promote bread usage.

    A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers. Please send
    this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.

    Remember: Think globally, act idiotically.


    The Differences Between Republicans and Democrats

    * Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
    Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.

    * Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint

    * Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on the bugs.

    * Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures,
    politicians and entertainers. Republican children are named after
    their parents or grandparents, according to where the money is.

    * Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not successful.
    Neither are Republicans.

    * Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom
    any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.

    * Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. Democrats put
    them in the bottom of the bird cage.

    * Republicans raise dahlias, dalmatians and eyebrows. Democrats raise
    Airedales, kids and taxes.

    * Democrats eat the fish they catch. Republicans hang them on the wall.

    * Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican
    girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.

    * Republicans sleep in twin beds . . . some even in separate rooms. That
    is why there are more Democrats.


    of you, ready to serve all Americans in the 46 states.

    "I had to get up a little earlier than I planned this morning. You can bet your big Texas ass that the next time we do this inauguration thing I'll be scheduling it for about 4 in the afternoon.

    "To my predecessor, President Clinton, all I can say is, you're a dog. A big ass horned dog. I've signed an Executive Order this morning which will fumigate the cigar smoke smell from the Oval Office and get those spots out of the carpet.

    "To Senator Clinton, while you're on Capitol Hill screwing the American public, your husband's going to do the same. One lady at a time. State by state. All 52 of 'em.

    "To my dad, President Bush, I've signed another Executive Order changing your name to 'Chester Finklebine.' It's going to be hard enough being the president of these 37 states without getting confused over which one of us I am.

    "President Carter, don't you have a Humanity Habitat to build or something? Some peanuts to harvest? A third-world election to monitor or something? President Ford to trip down the stairs or something?

    "Oh, I've got the cutest joke about President Reagan, who can't be here today, of course. It seems that Nancy got a call from the doctor who told her that Ronnie had either AIDS or Alzheimer's, but he couldn't remember which one. His advice was, 'If he finds his way home, don't fuck him.'

    "Vice President Cheney will be handling all of the really hard work of the US Government, including writing down anyone's name who didn't laugh at my Reagan joke.

    "Vice President Gore: Nyah Nyah Na Na Nyah! [note to self, do a little 'hamster dance' to gloat.]

    "That's it. I've got some brush to clear on my ranch, and take a big-ass nap, so I'm taking off for a vacation right after this speech, and I'm leaving Dick in charge. Any of you in the 57 states who have a question, call Dick. Just don't forget who's really in charge."


    The Gingrich That Stole Congress
    by Mike Corso CNI Telecom

    Every Rep down in Congress liked Clinton somewhat,
    Except for Newt Gingrinch, who simply did NOT!
    He hated Bill Clinton! He hated his wife!
    He vowed to torment them the rest of his life!

    The Ging hated anyone left of the Huns,
    He hated the wusses who didn't like guns.
    He hated the teachers who wouldn't lead prayers,
    He hated the people who'd tax millionaires!
    He hated "McGoverniks" whining 'bout rights,
    Like equal protection for gays and nonwhites.

    He hated the folks who said "Nicotine kills"
    And vowed he would pass more pro-nicotine bills.
    He hated the folks who said "Women need choice"
    And vowed to give middle-aged males more voice.
    But he hated the people on welfare much more;
    He hated the way they were POOR POOR POOR!

    He hated the way they had no jobs at all!
    This struck him as heaploads of GALL GALL GALL!
    They also lacked training and day care. So what?
    The Gingrinch announced he'd come up with a plot:
    "Get off of Welfare! Get off today!
    Or we will take all of your children AWAY!"

    Now, no one knew what made the Ging such a meanie:
    It could be because he was built like a weenie.
    It could be because he had Donahue hair,
    Or maybe because not much lurked under there.
    But probably what most explained the man's life
    Was the fact he abandoned his children and wife.

    Yes, 'way down in Georgia, his wife lay near dead
    Sickened with cancer, in a hospital bed.
    He crept in to see her (they let him, of course)
    And whispered, quite sweetly, "I want a divorce!"

    He whipped out his pencil with something like zeal
    And got down to work on his alimony deal.
    And while she was whimpering he said, "By the way,
    I'm leaving for somebody younger - hooray!!"

    The Gingrinch's heart shrank two sizes that night.
    And that may be what makes him so far Christian Right.

    Now, the night before Congress the Ging hatched his plans:
    From now on he'd speak for, quote, "Normal Americans."
    Tax-slashers! That's what those "Normal" folks lov!
    He'd take to the skies and dismantle the gov!

    He jumped out of bed and he summoned his pet:
    A Doberman Pinscher who once killed a vet.
    George was his name (as in Wallace, not Bush);
    "Boy!" said the Gingrinch, "We're gonna whip tush!"

    They flew to a soup kitchen, filled with sad "bums,"
    Snatched up the kettle and stole all the crumbs.
    They flew to a basketball game late at night
    And shooed the kids out, to the dealers' delight.

    They unplugged mass transit and cried "Buy a car!"
    Then chopped down a forest and chomped a cigar.
    What bliss! What fun! What downright glee!
    What joy! What yuks! What great TV!

    The next day the Gingrinch sat high above you
    And looked down on Congress (as many folks do).
    He wanted to relish the joy and the cheer
    Of folks waking up to their first tax-free year.

    He waited and waited and waited some more;
    He waited to hear them cry "Newt! Take the floor!"
    He waited for kudos and champagne free-flowing,
    He waited for trumpets on high to start blowing.

    But instead of rejoicing and hoopla, etc.,
    He heard a strange rumble that made his palms wettah

    The people weren't happy, not happy at all!
    They ringed 'round the Statehouse! They filled up the hall!
    They groused and they grumbled and cried, "We're real mad!
    We want all those costly old programs we had!

    Give back our givebacks! Give back our pork!
    Give back the stuff you walked off with, you dork!"
    And the Gingrinch sat simply quite stunned at the sight
    Of Normal Americans, not left and not right,

    Who wanted clean air and wanted green trees,
    Who wanted full coverage for medical fees,
    Who wanted nice schools and streets safe to play --
    They wanted it all - but just wouldn't pay!

    And when the truth hit him, the Ging grinned a grin,
    He laughed and he laughed till the tears ran down his chin.
    The Clintons climbed up to the Dome, laughing too.
    "Hee hee hee," Bill and Hill laughed, "Hoo hoo hoo!"

    They laughed with the cheer that comes from within,
    They laughed with the knowledge: You just cannot win.
    The Gingrinch and Clintons now shared the same plight
    Whatever they'd do, they could not do it right.

    "Folks hate you," said Bill, "once you land in D.C.
    But I've got a plan: Let us bond, you and me.
    We'll work as a team, yes! That's my advice!
    We'll listen and nod and make NICE NICE NICE!"

    The Prez put his hand out, they hugged on the ledge...
    And then that old Gingrinch pushed Bill off the edge.

    (With apologies to Dr. Seuss.)


    President Bush is out for a jog with the Secret Service. He comes upon
    a little boy sitting on the sidewalk next to a box.

    President Bush stops and says to the boy "Hi there. What do you have
    in the box?"

    "Oh, they are newborn kittens."

    Bush says "Well, that's nice. Do you mind if the President takes a

    "No, go ahead."

    The President looks in the box and asks "What type of kittens are

    The little boy says "They're Republicans."

    The President says "Well, that's wonderful."

    A few days later, Dick Cheney is riding in his limo. The President has
    told him about the little boy that he met. Dick happens to see a little
    boy sitting on the sidewalk next to a box. Dick tells his driver to
    pull over.

    The Vice President gets out of the limo and says "Hi there little boy.
    What do you have in the box?"

    "They are newborn kittens."

    Dick says "Well that's special. Can the Vice President see them?"

    The boy replies "Sure, go ahead."

    As Mr. Cheney is looking in the box, the boy says, "They are
    Democrats, you see."

    Cheney looks puzzled and says "Aren't you the same boy the President
    saw a few days ago and you told him these kittens were Republicans?"

    "Yes, but now their eyes are open."

    The Letter "D" Leaves Sesame Street

    NEW YORK--A spokesperson for the letter D announced
    Monday that the consonant is withdrawing sponsorship from
    Sesame Street following a Children's Television Workshop
    announcement that a homosexual muppet will soon join the
    show's cast.

    * * * "The letter D is proud to have brought you many
    wonderful Sesame Street episodes throughout the program's
    28-year history," said Patricia Willis, public-relations
    director for D. "But the letter D does not condone the sort
    of morally questionable lifestyles that Sesame Street is
    advocating with the introduction of this new character.
    It can no longer in good conscience associate itself with
    the show."

    * * * Willis said D's withdrawal is effective immediately, and
    applies to both capital and lower-case versions of the letter.

    * * * The gay muppet, "Roger," will be introduced on Sesame
    Street Dec. 23, CTW director Leslie Charren said. Thus far,
    no other sponsors have pulled out, though the number seven
    has requested an advance tape of the episode before it
    makes a decision.

    * * * Many public-television insiders believe D's withdrawal
    was motivated by a desire not to alienate religious
    conservatives, a section of the population that employs the
    letter frequently.

    * * * "D is for, among other things, demagoguery, dogma and
    doctrine, words crucial to right-wing groups like the Christian
    Coalition," said Yale University political-science professor J.
    Wright Franklin. "It is likely that D felt it could ill afford to
    offend such a large segment of its users."

    * * * While a long-term replacement for D has not yet been
    secured by Sesame Street, the number three will temporarily
    fill in for it in a number of the show's animated shorts. Other
    pieces will simply skip from C to E, with vocalists stretching
    out C into two syllables to match the rhythm of the alphabet

    * * * Sesame Street is stung by the sudden departure of its
    longtime supporter. Speaking to reporters, cast member
    Cookie Monster said: "Me disappointed letter D choose to
    end relationship with Sesame Street due to pressure from
    extremely vocal minority. We accused of endorsing deviant
    lifestyle. Me say homosexuality natural, not immoral.
    Diversity and enrichment. That's good enough for me."

    From "The Onion"


    The Ten Commandments
    by Jim Rosenberg, November 9, 1994

    In today's political climate, the formulation of law does not follow a
    heavenly model. To illustrate how low we've sunk, here's how the Ten
    Commandments might have been developed if the process were governed by
    current political rules.

    * Chief heavenly pollster informs God of alarming findings: His flock
    is hungry for moral guidance.

    * G-d floats a trial balloon, leaking word to key town criers that he is
    formulating a comprehensive policy statement on proscribed human
    behavior to be called "The Ten Commandments."

    * Opponents are sharply critical of the plan, asking, "Do you want the
    same guy who runs the weather to tell you how to live your life?"

    * Slipping in the polls, the Deity taps David Gergen, formerly
    associated with the Party of Darkness, as "Counsel to the Creator."
    Gergen sees "absolutely no problem" with his previous service under

    * "All The Almighty's Men," a scathing insider view of celestial
    politics is released, triggering a nose-dive in the Lord's approval

    * National Big Heavy Stones Association demands recision of "Thou Shalt
    Not Commit Murder" prohibition, claiming it infringes on the protected
    Right to Bear Arms and noting that "Rocks Don't Smote People, People
    Smote People."

    * G-d appoints Moses, influential human being person, as his Morality
    Spin Doctor. They brainstorm strategy: "What if we chiseled the thing
    on a tablet or something, and you come down from a mountain holding it
    up above your head looking like Charlton Heston. Would that not be an
    awesome Photo Op, or what?"

    * Pharaoh Cuomo tries to horn into the spotlight, declaring, "The Ten
    Commandments do not go far enough." He agonizes publicly over a
    possible run at divinity himself, deciding in the end that "the
    Pharaohship is where I belong now."

    * Moses presents the Ten Commandments (now renamed by Gergen "The
    Guaranteed Pathway to The Rapture Security Act") as planned in a
    dramatic ceremony at the Pearly Gates, featuring a hot "Rock n Roll
    Heaven" Band.

    * Tsenturion Tsongas ridicules the plan, quipping, "I'm not Santa Claus
    -- I can't promise you eternal life if you follow ten rules." Tsongas
    suggests a $1.00 per grain Sand Tax to pay for the sins of the people.
    He is stoned.

    * The People oppose the plan upon learning of its strict rules,
    including a uniform penalty for non-compliance: roasting in the
    white-hot flames of hell for eternity. The L-rd backpedals, saying, "I
    have never said that all of the Commandments are written in stone. All
    I want is righteousness as a whole. If we can approve "No Cussing" this
    year, we'll phase in the others over a ten-year period.

    * "Adulterers of the Euphrates" puts considerable pressure on the King
    of Kings through their powerful lobbying group. God agrees to an
    amendment stating, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, Unless Thou Art
    Bigtime Sorry."

    * One week before the vote, G-d gets tough, saying to Abraham: "Unless
    you vote for the package as proposed, I will take your first-born son."
    Abraham responds, "Okay, but you've got to come down to Mesopotamia and
    stand next to me on the podium at the Shepherd's of Distinction

    * A formal vote is held up in Congress, when greedy representatives
    saddle the bill with the most useless make-work pork barrel project in
    history -- The Pyramids.

    * Centurion Helms filibusters over failure to add Eleventh Commandment
    forbidding man to lie down with man.

    * G-d goes directly to the people in a "Fireside Chat" -- his head
    appears in their fireplaces, surrounded by flames. Ratings are

    * Gergen advises the L-rd, "You are coming across as too High and
    Mighty." The L-rd snaps back at Gergen "I am high and mighty." You
    need to loosen up your image. Perhaps you can take up a musical
    instrument. See if Gabriel can teach you how to use that horn.

    * Perot appears on the "King Larry" show to debate. He is humiliated,
    causing an upsurge in support for the Ten Commandments, but not
    enough to win the votes.

    * After a flurry of amendments and broad changes in the package as
    originally proposed, the bill is passed.

    * The L-rd signs the bill into law in a ceremony in the Cloud Garden.
    As passed, the law contains no commandments, but authorizes new aqueduct
    projects in the home districts of five key Centurions.


    The Next Senator From Oklahoma

    Well, this town certainly seems welcoming enough! I just passed a sign
    that said that I've crossed into Oklahoma. Actually, I've never been to
    Oklahoma before. I was born and raised in Texas, and, actually, I still
    live in Texas, but I'm planning to buy a summer home here--it's actually
    quite beautiful scenery.

    I have a uncle and aunt who used to like in Oklahoma with their three
    daughters and one son. The eldest daughter got married and moved off to
    Ohio, and the rest of the lot moved to Florida about a year ago.
    Actually, they were struggling to keep their heads above water, and, to
    be honest, they really needed to leave the state.

    I think that my great-great-grandmother also used to live in Oklahoma
    before she got married to a nice little fellow in Oregon, but that was
    back in 1843. They were a lovely couple, or at least, that's what the
    pictures show. Course, they're really old black and white pictures, so
    it's hard to tell.

    I think I'd like to run for Senate from Oklahoma! Would you vote for me?


    The REAL Reason for the Ballot Troubles
    Republican Officials would have you believe that invalid ballots, like the ones double-punched in Palm Beach, are as commonplace as law-abiding gun owners. But consider this: In order to punch both the Gore and Buchanan holes, a voter's stylus would have had to enter and exit at angles only the most skilled stylus-user could achieve. A single retiree, acting alone, would have had to punch both holes in less than three minutes to escape notice, a near-impossible feat.

    Here are several alternative theories gaining currency among America's most eagle-eyed political observers, the paranoid fringe.

    The Mind Control Theory
    In a series of top-secret experiments, a former director of the CIA (codename "Herbert") dosed
    thousands of unwitting Florida civilians with mind-control drugs including LSD, MDMA and Fox
    News. The subjects were manipulated into performing a series of irrational, if not insane acts, such as voting for Pat Buchanan.

    The Miami Fraud Machine Theory
    This election is covered with the fingerprints of Gloria and Emilio Estefan, the powerful duo behind resurgent Cuban-American activism, the Elian appeals process and "Words Get in the Way." When asked about the Democrats' chances last month, Emilio Estefan cryptically replied, "The rhythm is gonna get them."

    The Bermuda Triangle Theory
    Did you know that there is a long history of both ocean-going vessels and aircraft getting lost forever in the Bermuda Triangle? So did George W. Bush. That's why he lured 30,000 elderly black Floridians onto a flying saucer and ordered its pilot to head east.

    The Elian Factor Theory
    Vice President Gore's flip-flop on the Elian issue angered the Cuban community and all the dolphins that protected the boy from sharks. Enraged Delphinus delphis and Tursiops truncatuse spirited their boy-king from Havana, distracted the Coast Guard by posing as mermaids and then slipped ashore in Palm Beach. There, the aquatic mammals used their bottlenoses to poke extra holes in approximately 19,000 ballots.

    The Dead People on the Rolls Theory
    Officials have long joked that, like Chicago in 1960, a lot of dead people tend to vote in central Florida. Only this time it was literally true, as the ghost of Mel Carnahan rallied the dead to rise from their graves and ward off the Republican threat. As the walking dead possess poor motor skills, they tended to vote mistakenly for Buchanan.

    Sleight-of-Hand Theory
    While the nation was focusing its attention on one part of Florida, thousands of sleight-of-hand magicians were messing everything up in another part of Florida. Then the reverse. Want to know how they did it? Here, they'll do it again, this time more slowly.

    The Jeb Bush Theory
    Many years ago in a highly guarded Texas facility, Florida Governor Jeb Bush was ejected from the vaginal canal of one Barbara Bush, better known as the mother of George W. Bush, Republican candidate for president. Coincidence? Not if former President George Herbert Walker Bush's semen has anything to say about it.

    The Boys from Buchanan Theory
    Inside the cranium of "Ezola Foster" is the still-beating brain of Adolf Hitler.

    The Skull and Bones Theory
    When George W. Bush was a member of the Skull and Bones society, he declared to his fellow Skulls: "It is very important to me to be a major success by the time I am 55." Decades later, Bush campaigned extremely hard and did his very best to win the election.


    The Referendum on Arcane and Confusing Election Referenda
    by Joe Lavin

    "A yes vote on proposition 36,753Q.6 would pass the proposed non-
    binding amendment, hereby referred to as the Arcane, Confusing, and
    Generally Incomprehensible Amendment That You Won't Really
    Understand Anyway So Don't Bother Trying (See full text on pages 11-
    146 of your ballot.) which will create a more strenuous provision to the
    previously aforementioned Proposition 36,752Q.6 by replacing Section H
    1.3(34).4 with Section H1.3(33).398.

    "A no vote on proposition 36,753Q.6 would lead to the destruction of
    American society as we know it while allowing members of the state
    legislature to loot and pillage your property and possibly date your

    Yep, it's election time, that time of year we all cherish when politics is in
    the air, when decisions are being made, and when candidates go on
    television to talk about real issues that affect all of our lives: "Doug
    Wankerman. He could be a homicidal serial rapist who beats his children.
    You just never know these days. Don't take the risk. Vote experience.
    Vote Bob Nobbler for Governor."

    Have you all remembered to register to vote? Damnit, I have.

    I'm all for democracy, but the ballot is really starting to annoy me. It's not
    just all the questions. It's the number of jobs that are being decided on
    Election Day. Must we have an election for every government post? Not
    to sound like a pundit or anything, but is this really what the American
    people want? I try to stay informed, but I just don't want to vote for
    someone when I have barely heard of the job he or she is applying for. I
    can handle Senators, State Senators, Representatives, and Governors,
    but can't some of these officials choose the rest? Instead of an election,
    just take out a pile of resumes and pick somebody.

    And some of the so-called elections are just ridiculous. When I used to
    live in Missouri, every judge there had to be approved by voters. There
    were over fifty judges listed on the ballot, all with a yes or a no after
    them. Well, how was I to know if a particular judge was really up to the
    task? Eventually, I started skipping the section. A friend, meanwhile,
    spent several minutes painstakingly marking no next to every Judge.
    "Well, of course, I voted no. They're all lawyers." He explained.

    Obviously, the questions on the ballot are the most tedious part of the
    process. Here's an actual question from a recent ballot: "Shall the state
    representative be instructed to vote in favor of a bill to reduce the size of
    the Board of Aldermen from 24 members to 16 members?" Well, gee, how
    would I know? I don't even know what an Alderman is. Sure, 24 sounds
    like a lot of them, but, hey, what if an Alderman gets injured? Then what?
    Maybe we do need 24. You know, just in case.

    I wish I was a better citizen, but like most people I don't have the time to
    adequately research all these issues, and I don't like voting when I don't
    know all the details. Sorry, but I'm just not excited about deciding
    obscure zoning issues or water inspection questions or whatever else
    gets on the ballot. Don't we elect our representatives to deal with these
    matters themselves? Isn't that why we pay them? Isn't that the whole
    point of representative democracy? I can't help but wonder if this is why
    so many people abstain from voting.

    It would be great if something could be done to stop all this, but I don't
    really have a solution. Probably the best thing I can do is to collect a
    bunch of signatures myself and get my own proposition on the ballot.

    Proposition 36,753Q.6

    Could we please stop with all the propositions? Okay?


    Sure, it's a rather silly idea, but it may be the only chance we have.


    The Rules of Conservative Correctness
    by Dan Baldwin

    * If anyone disagrees with you, they are a "Democrat"

    * If anyone argues with you, they are a "Liberal"

    * If they argue with you and actually present data (formerly known as "debating"),
    shrug it off as "propaganda from the Liberal Media"

    * If you cannot rebut the argument pick on details such as misspellings, improper
    punctuation or taglines

    * If your opponent has an unrefutable argument, change the subject

    * If your opponent consistently overturns your "correct" stories (anything told
    by Rush Limbaugh), use ad hominem attacks.

    * Anyone who puts life over profits is a "tree hugger"

    * Anyone who refutes or debates "correct" science (Creationism, Ecological
    Stability) is a "sky-is-falling" reactionary

    * Anyone who opposes the melding of religion and government is one of the
    "liberals" who helped create the rampant immorality today

    * Any federal program created by a Democrat, or that "looks" Democratic is

    * Dismantling programs and restrictions on spending then sending the money to
    states as a "block grant" is better than having a standardized Federal
    program with rules

    * Giving tax money to People is "enslaving them", giving tax money to Corporations
    is "making jobs"

    * Anything that does not turn a profit for private corporations is "an elitist"

    * Always take everything personally

    * Whatever your weakness is, blame it on your opponent

    * The more narrow and prejudiced your sources, the more you project that onto
    your opponent

    * When your opponent attacks a Republican/conservative President's policies,
    blame them on a Democratic Congress (or vice versa)

    * When quoting your opponent, edit his words to conform to "correctness"

    * Anyone who reads anything beyond "the Limbaugh Letter" is an "ivory tower

    * When all else fails, lie


    The Second Attack on Iraq Explained

    A Washington think tank has announced a breakthrough in the search
    for a pattern in the seemingly random US military aggression since
    World War II. "We think they are spelling out a message", explains
    an unnamed spokesperson. "If we take the first letters of Korea,
    Vietnam, Libya, Iraq, Iran, El Salvador, Grenada, Nicaragua and
    Somalia, it spells 'ELVIS _S KING'. We just need to find another
    'I' country to complete the message."

    Maybe this explains the second attack on Iraq?!


    The "State" of Idaho:
    The Case for Open Debate

    If you would ask any schoolchild how many states there are in the
    United States, you will get the same answer: 50. Fifty states
    in the Union. It is simply an accepted "fact." If you would
    disagree with this supposed "fact," you would be branded insane
    or worse.

    However, mounting evidence shows that there are in fact only 49
    states in the US, and the "state" of Idaho is a baseless myth.

    We have been trying to distribute and publish this information
    for over *two years*, but our scholarship has not been given
    any respect. We have been censored, vilified, ridiculed and
    spat upon by the "traditional" geographers and historians, but

    All we ask is that the existence of the state of Idaho be debated,
    as every other historical and geographic "fact" can be debated.
    Time after time, our opponents have refused to debate us on the
    FACTS. This alone should tell you something about the people who
    support the "existence" of this "43rd state."

    Please read the following evidence VERY CAREFULLY, and you will
    be astonished at the veracity of our cause.

    The Population Myth

    Do you know anybody from Idaho? Do you know anybody *who knows
    anybody* from Idaho? According to the 1990 "census," there are
    over one million (1,000,000, or 1 x 10^6) people living in
    Idaho. But if there are so many Idahoers, where are they?

    Some people have come forward and claimed that they were born
    and raised in "Idaho." But *every single person* who made this
    claim have been shown to be frauds and charlatans. These "Idahoan
    wannabes" are invariably inconsistent with each other about the
    size (in square miles or square kilometers) of "Idaho," about
    various town and village names, and even about the names
    of "Idaho's mighty rivers."

    The Size Farce

    According to traditional geographic sources (created entirely
    by people who believe in the existence of Idaho, and probably
    the Tooth Fairy, also) the "State" of Idaho is more than twice
    the size of Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Rhode Island,
    Connecticut and Massachusetts *combined.* Isn't it strange
    that a state with such vast land resources has so few people?
    And even of you look at a map (created by the Idaho-centric
    cartographers) the "State" of "Idaho" is dwarfed by its much
    larger neighbor, Montana.
    Satellite Evidence

    Recently declassified weather satellite information, showing
    the entire continental United States, shows absolutely *no
    evidence* that there is any state where "Idaho" is supposedly
    located. Noted experts in the field of interpreting these
    pictures unanimously agree that, from outer space, it is
    impossible to determine the borders of this elusive "state."
    Yet meteorologists and cartographers routinely overlay
    these satellite pictures with the outline of states that
    would seem to indicate Idaho's existence.

    Photographic "Evidence"

    Many people, skeptical of the clear evidence that Idaho
    does not and never did exist, point to photographs that
    they've seen in encyclopedias and postcards seeming to show
    parts of the state of Idaho.

    It is important to note that a photograph without a caption
    is often meaningless. A picture of people in boats surrounded
    by mountains could have been taken in Colorado or Nevada,
    but when the holy *caption* says that this is a picture of
    the "Salmon River" in "Idaho," gullible readers tend to
    swallow this information whole *without any further

    We have examined literally hundreds of these "photographs,"
    and the ones that are not outright fakes are all clearly
    taken in other parts of the nation.

    Ask the Japanese

    It is well known that Americans are woefully ignorant about
    geography, which is one reason why it is so easy to fake an
    entire state here. Not surprisingly, most of the effort to
    create the illusion of Idaho has been expended in the USA.

    But if you would ask a typical Japanese or French schoolchild
    about what he/she knows about Idaho, you will usually get a
    blank stare. People who are much better at geography than
    Americans have never heard of this "great state."

    The Potato Myth

    Any given supermarket in the United States has sacks of potatoes
    clearly marked "Idaho Potatoes." People make the assumption,
    that when they are buying these potatoes, that they were *grown*
    in the "state" of "Idaho."

    Actually, "Idaho" is a type of potato, just like "McIntosh" is
    a type of apple. The FACT is that *many* states have potato
    crops, as well as foreign countries, and potatoes that say
    "Idaho" on them are no more from Idaho than Baltimore Orioles
    all come from Maryland.

    So, What's There?

    Nothing. THERE IS NOTHING THERE. We have been so brainwashed
    by the traditional mapmaking community to think that if Idaho
    doesn't exist, then there must be some sort of vacuum there
    instead. This is nonsense.

    The very shapes and positions of the states, and indeed of
    every nation on the planet, is only known through "information"
    provided by cartographers. It is akin to asking "if Santa's
    house isn't at the North Pole, then what's there instead?"

    The Cartographer Conspiracy

    The *only evidence* that there is a state called Idaho comes from
    maps. Everybody has maps, in almanacs, in encyclopedias, and
    on the walls of every elementary school classroom in America.

    Astonishingly, *over 99%* of all maps are created by *cartographers!*
    If any clearly defined set of people would control any other
    important industry to that degree, everybody would be up in arms
    about the undue influence given to a meager few. However, for
    some reason, Cartographers are immune to such criticism. Any
    mention about the Cartographer influence over the mapmaking
    industry (and, as a natural extension, OUR VERY THOUGHTS!) is
    dismissed as "lunacy."

    As an indication of how insidious is this influence, just think:
    have you ever questioned a map? Maps, being graphical objects,
    require much less effort to assimilate into our very psyches.
    Behavioral studies show that people can much more readily understand
    maps than printed descriptions of geographical areas; in fact,
    the images on maps tend to go directly into the subconsciousness
    of Man (Homo Sapiens) without the critical thinking that accompanies
    reading. In a very real way, Cartographers are the *real* Thought

    But they do not work in a vacuum. There are much too few of them
    to do their real damage unaided. Mapmakers have conspired with the
    editors of almanacs and encyclopedias to create a fantastic illusion
    of space where there is none, people where there aren't any, and
    ski resorts where none exist.

    Only the Beginning

    This is only the tip of the iceberg. We have much more material
    on this conspiracy, and we have yet to uncover one iota of evidence
    that Idaho has ever existed. All of the so-called "evidence" is
    a mixture of falsifications, coersions, lies and exaggerations.

    The Cartographers would like nothing better than to silence us.
    If you do not see any more postings on this subject, then you
    have clear evidence that their Conspiracy of Silence on Idaho
    has succeeded, and that Freedom of Speech has been curtailed by
    the Cartographical Thought Police.

    What can you do? All we ask is that you be open minded. Of course,
    you cannot trust any of the second-hand evidence that you would
    find in libraries, maps (!), airline schedules or street signs.
    All you can trust is what we have written here. We are confident
    that once you evaluate all of the valid evidence, you will be
    angered by this conspiracy, and motivated to do something about
    the scum who perpetated this hoax.


    The Top 15 Florida Excuses for Holding Up the Election
    by Chris White

    15> Dangerous Metamucil shortage caused by misunderstood TV
    reports of "many irregularities in Florida."

    14> Booths in Cuba stay open until Fidel says it's time to close.

    13> "Help! I've voted and I can't get up!"

    12> "Give us 'Golden Girls: The Movie', and you'll get your damn

    11> "Aaaaaiiiieeeeeeee! There are 'gators in the ballot box!!!"

    10> Still waiting for Elian's absentee ballot to be "rescued" from
    Donato's closet.

    9> Jeb Bush can't decide whether to help his brother or pay him
    back for a lifetime of noogies.

    8> Payback for all those jokes about being "America's penis."

    7> Jimmy Johnson hair fumes *still* addling voters.

    6> Easy Bush victory disrupted by unfortunate large number of
    easily-understood ballots.

    5> Gore voters "confused" by ballot design need time to prepare
    snappy answers to the question, "And you accused BUSH of being

    4> "Que?"

    3> Waiting for Walt's head to thaw so he can cast the deciding

    2> Ballot inspectors are stuck behind blue-haired drivers going
    20 MPH in the wrong lane with a turn signal constantly on.

    and Topfive.com's Number 1 Florida Excuse
    for Holding Up the Election...

    1> "Hush up, now! Matlock's on!!"


    The Tragic Comedie of King Leer

    Scene 1. A forest glen.
    Enter Witch Tripp and Kenneth of Starr.

    Witch Tripp:
    Double, double, Webster Hubbell,
    I think I got the Creep in trouble.
    Eye of Newt, strap of bra,
    Could it be he broke some law?
    Praise this broth utmost ephemeral,
    Heavens! I left out my Essence of Emeril!
    Hark! Who trespasses so near?

    Kenneth of Starr: 'Tis I, the Inquisitor. What news?

    Witch Tripp: Things proceed with quickening speed, m'lord. The maiden
    Lewinsky, so deeply embroil'd, is now join'd by the Lady Willey in
    like pursuit. Daily tightens the noose around the king.

    Starr: Would that it were so, but he hath good counsel, and more moves
    than a chess board. His public, well pleas'd with good news of the
    economie, doth o'erlook much.

    Witch Tripp: How may I serve you next?

    Starr: I have need of acts damnable and facts verifiable. Else he may
    elude me yet.

    Witch Tripp: His dog Buddy, freshly neuter'd, may bear his master
    harsh reproach. He may consent to wearing a collar of our invention,
    to survey the king at his ease. Dogs are much accustom'd to insects.
    What's one more bug?

    Starr: Good hag, I rely on you completely. I must away.

    (Exeunt Tripp and Starr)

    Scene 2. The king's antechamber

    Duke of McCurry: My Lord! I needs must speak with you most urgently!
    The castle is assaulted on all sides!

    Leer: What would I not give for an hour's peace!

    McCurry: An army of reporters is settled at thy gate. They are press
    in name and press in deed, for they press me daily, nay, hourly for
    some explanation from thy lips.

    Leer: Who is there among them?

    McCurry: Lords Jennings, Brokaw, Rather, Geraldo of Rivera and a
    host of others. Methinks I spied the van from Hard Copy.

    Leer: You cut me to the quick. Do they not know that I am chaste?

    McCurry: They insinuate that thou hast chased too often.

    Leer: Never have lies been so artfully stack'd against a pure soul.
    Where is Lady Hillary?

    McCurry: Her secretary doth report that she is lock'd in her bath,
    saying over and over, "Why can I not wash my hands of this guy?"

    Leer: Oh cursed fate! I must be the most solitary mortal in all
    creation. Never have I betrayed m'lady's trust.

    McCurry: Whatever.

    (Enter Messenger)

    Messenger: Good king, steel thy nerve. I bring a missive from
    Kenneth of Starr, the Grand Inquisitor.

    Leer: Was ever a man as Starr-cross'd as I? Why does this man
    conspire to afflict me thus? My hand is unsteady. Read it to me.

    Messenger: Let me see. He offers you his regards, blah, blah, blah,
    then doth subpoena you to appear at his chamber at Friday next,
    to forswear again that thou tookst no liberties with the Jones wench,
    who withdraweth not her claims against you.

    Leer: I have already so sworn!

    McCurry: It would seem, m'lord, that the woeful tale of Lady Willey
    rekindles old flames.

    Leer: I kiss'd the woman on the forehead, as a sign of my regard.
    Never was a king so expos'd!

    McCurry: Truer words were ne'er spoken.

    Leer: I cannot think on't further. Leave me to my own counsel.

    (Exeunt Messenger and McCurry)

    Leer: To be forthright, or not to be forthright, that is the
    question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings
    and arrows of outrageous fortune, or just bag the whole thing
    and teach law at a junior college.

    (Enter Courtier)

    Courtier: My liege, you are late for an appointed meeting.

    Leer: What's this?

    Courtier: You were to interview a new assistant at the stroke
    of two. She seems most capable, and with rare intellect for one
    so young and fair.

    Leer: Well, tell her I will see her anon, and on, and on.

    Courtier: A most clever jest, my king.

    Leer: Let us not tarry further.

    (Exeunt Leer and courtier. Enter Buddy, from behind a chair)

    Buddy: So dearest reader, I bid adieu.
    Me seeth I have much to do.
    And so it comes to this pretty pass
    To see if the king doth get some ....


    Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named Bill;
    Da poor president couldn't keep his willie still;
    Den one day he was workin' at his desk,
    When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest...

    Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's.

    Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees,
    Mouth open wide and as happy as you please;
    Bill sez, "oh yeah now-don't say a thing,"
    "If you do a good job then we'll have a little fling."

    Blow job, that is. Phalli osculation.

    Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress,
    He said, "Clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess,
    And you're invited here to dis fine locality,
    To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C."

    Da wiener, that is. Da presidential staff.

    So week after week, Monica is on her knees
    Keepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please,
    But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far,
    And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr.

    Bad girl, that is. Cigars. Bodacious ta ta's.

    Well it weren't too long till we all knew the score,
    'bout da stuff dat went down behind da oval office door;
    Da country's in da toilet and da people cry, "No More"
    But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, den we gotta live with Gore.

    Boob, that is. Great big one. Head stuck up his rear.

    So now ya know da story 'bout Bill our president,
    Wonderin' if dis fling's gonna cost him every cent;
    So da moral of da story is to do it quietly,
    And stay outta trouble with dat bitch named Hillary.


    I was told this by the president of my waterski club last night - I
    don't know where he got it from.

    Three men sitting around a campfire telling stories. The conversation
    turns to medical miracles:

    First man: There's a guy who lives up the street from me who used to
    work in construction. One day last year his hand got run over by a
    bulldozer. Whatever those doctors did, it's really amazing - today
    he's a concert pianist.

    Second man: That's nothing. I knew a guy in college - laziest bum I
    ever knew. He was really fat and out of shape. He was trying to
    hitch a ride one day and got hit by a truck. Broke nearly every damn
    bone in his body. Somehow they put him back together better than he
    was before. Now he's a triathlete and he's planning to try out for
    the olympics.

    Third man: Yeah, well I knew this poor retarded kid. He couldn't do a
    whole lot, but someone at the dynamite factory got charitable and gave
    him a job as a stockboy. Anyways, he's working in the warehouse one
    day and gets locked in. It's dark and he can't find the door. Not
    being too bright, he lit a match to try and find his way. The whole
    place exploded. All they could find of him was his asshole and his
    eyebrows. From that little bit they were able to put him back
    together and today that kid is the governor of Massachusetts.

    The World According to Americans - Political

    Then I Put Monicas Head Down Like This - Political

  32. "Well, it depends on your definition of 'father', Luke."

  33. "Who knew the Jedi Mind Trick could work on 250 million people all at once?"

  34. "I *absolutely* support the use of droids in the military... Okay, now I don't."

  35. "Oh-h-h, you're looking for a little *WOOKIE*... Well, that's different."

  36. "Luke, I am your father. Obi-Wan, I'm your father, too. And that Queen chick? I'm her daddy for sure. And Leia's. And Lando's, Boba Fett's, Jabba the Hutt's, Chewie's..."

  37. "Wretched hive of scum and villainy? Woo-hoo, count me in!"

  38. "I think the American people would like a little more bass in my theme music."

  39. "Dispose of that troublesome young Jedi, Vince Skyfoster -- and make it look like a suicide."

  40. "I did not have sexual relations with that wookie, Ms. Chewinsky."

  41. "It's a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away -- and I'm still a lyin' weasel."

  42. "Cholesterol does not concern me, Admiral. I want that Big Mac -- not excuses."

  43. "Sorry about that lightsaber, Sugar. Just consider it laser dental work."

  44. "These are not the droids you're looking for, Ma'am. Say, it's getting hot in here -- you might want to take off your top."

  45. "She's my sister?!? Well, back on my home planet of Arkansas, that ain't an obstacle!"

    Titanic vs. Clinton

    TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
    CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.

    TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
    CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.

    TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a
    subsequent catastrophe.
    CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a
    subsequent catastrophe.

    TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.
    CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.

    TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
    CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.

    TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
    CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.

    TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
    CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.

    TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
    CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.

    TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
    CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

    TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.
    CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at
    70 percent.

    TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
    CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary.


    Tobacco Settlement FAQ

    The Tobacco Settlements are a huge complicated deal, so this should help
    answer some questions about the settlements going on around the
    country. (For those of you outside the United States, nearly all of the
    50 states have filed law suits against the makers of cigarettes to
    recover health related costs.) This was contributed by Jacob Giles,
    Atlanta, GA.

    Q: Could you please explain the recent historic tobacco settlement?

    A: Sure! Basically, the tobacco industry has admitted that it is
    killing people by the millions, and has agreed that from now on it will
    do this under the strict supervision of the federal government.

    Q: Will there be monetary damages assessed?

    A: Yes. To compensate for the immense suffering caused by its
    products, the tobacco industry will pay huge sums of money to the group
    most directly affected.

    Q: Lawyers?

    A: Yes.

    Q: Will the federal government also receive large quantities of money?

    A: Of course.

    Q: How will the tobacco industry obtain this money?

    A: By selling more tobacco products.

    Q: What if consumers stop buying tobacco products?

    A: That would be very bad. That would mess up the economics of the
    whole thing. The government would probably have to set up an emergency
    task force to figure out ways to get people smoking again in order to
    finance the historic tobacco settlement.

    Q: If the government really wants people to stop smoking, how come it
    doesn't just make cigarettes illegal?

    A: Because people would smoke them anyway.

    Q: Then how come the government makes crack cocaine illegal?

    A: That is an unfair comparison. The tobacco industry is merely
    selling a deadly product; the crack cocaine industry is guilty of
    something far far worse.

    Q: Failure to make large political donations??

    A: Yes.

    Q: Many people started smoking because they watched classic movies in
    which glamorous Hollywood stars were always inhaling and exhaling vast
    clouds of smoke and looking totally cool. What will be done to correct
    this under the historic tobacco settlement?

    A: By 1998, all classic movies will be digitally reprocessed by special
    Food and Drug Administration computers so that -- to cite one example --
    in Casablanca, when Humphrey Bogart makes his dramatic final speech to
    Ingrid Bergman, he will have the voice of Rocky the Flying Squirrel.

    Q: Whose voice will the late John Wayne have?

    A: The late Lucille Ball's.

    Q: What will happen to all the tobacco institute scientists, who,
    despite decades of dedicated research, were never able to find a single
    shred of evidence proving that cigarettes cause cancer?

    A: At the request of the White House, they will be reassigned to the
    Whitewater investigation.

    Q: Speaking of administration scandals, if President Clinton actually
    winds up in court over this Paula Jones thing, what steps will be taken
    to prevent the trial from turning into a grotesque and demeaning pubic

    A: Mr. Clinton's face will be covered at all times by an electronically
    superimposed dark blob, underneath which will be an electronic label
    identifying him only as "A United States President."

    Q: How will the historic tobacco settlement affect the aliens whose
    spaceship crashed near Roswell, N.M. in 1947, and whose bodies are now
    being kept in top-secret government freezers?

    A: Millions of dollars will be paid to their lawyers.

    Q: I guess that covers it! Thanks! Smoke?

    A: I have my own.


    Top Ten Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans

    10. "Read My Lips - No New Interns"

    9. "Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill's Crap For So Long"

    8. "Isn't It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different

    7. "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You
    Can Illegally Contribute To My Campaign"

    6. "Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife"

    5. "You Give Me A Vote, I'll Get Vernon Jordan To Give
    You A Job"

    4. "Still Not Indicted As Of 1999!"

    3. "From Perjury To Albany"

    2. "Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My
    Husband Over It"

    And the NUMBER ONE Hilliary Clinton Campaign Slogan ...

    1. "Oh Lord, Please Don't Make Me Go Back To Arkansas"


    Top Ten Reasons Why Newt Gingrich Should Be Re-Elected Speaker
    By David Helvarg; excerpted from The Nation"

    10. Proven ability to work both sides of the law without discrimination
    or prejudice.

    9. Enjoys handling snakes and lizards.

    8. Washington won't lose important academic link to Georgia community

    7. Will not hang around if a political cancer spreads (ask his first

    6. Can increase office's efficiency by hiring Pillsbury Dough Boy as
    stand-in for ceremonial occasions.

    5. Gives Clinton chance to name nonpartisan special prosecutor --
    James Carville.

    4. Counters ultra-liberal drumbeat to name poor black woman Speaker.

    3. Keeps Damn Yankees out of the line of presidential succession.

    2. If politicians who lie are not allowed to serve, next government
    shutdown could be permanent.

    1. Newt promises new lobbying group -- UNPAC.


    Top Ten Things Bob Dole Said While Growing Up
    Written by Bronwyn Raben and Heather Carmichael

    10. Let's call this new nation the United States of America!

    9. Mom, can I keep him? He's such a cute Brontosaurus!

    8. I brought my axe, George. Let's get at that cherry tree.

    7. You Indians bring the corn, and we'll bring the Turkey. We'll all
    sit around and give thanks.

    6.Ooohhh! A new invention! FIRE!!!

    5. Dad, can I borrow the wheels? Oh, wait. The wheel hasn't been
    invented yet.

    4. Hey, Adam and Eve! Try this apple!

    3. If you three follow that star, you will find the Christ child.

    2. What do you mean the world is round?

    1. What's this? I haven't seen it before! I'll call it dirt.


    Top Ten Ways Hillary Clinton Could Improve Her Image

    10. Stop telling the Whitewater prosecutor she's as innocent as O.J.

    9. Make White House more eco-friendly by replacing fiberglass insulation
    with shredded Whitewater documents

    8. Series of daring gas station hold-ups across the Midwest

    7. Gain sympathy by going public about her addiction to Dramamine

    6. Sleep with Yeltsin, weasel all sorts of classified information out
    of him.

    5. Go away for about ten to twelve years

    4. Become celebrity spokesperson for Sara Lee, because nobody doesn't
    like Sara Lee

    3. Watch what Marge Schott does. Do opposite

    2. Change middle name "Rodham" to "Rodman" and dye hair red, white
    and blue

    1. Four words: Hillary and the Blowfish


    JCN's Top 12 Rudolph Giuliani gestures to please Jewish voters

    Inducts NYPD policemen on Mount Massada

    Changes name to Rudy Golan

    Recognizes Likud as the legitimate representative of the Israeli

    Suspends alternate side of the street parking for Tu Bishvat

    Promises job of schools chancellor to Shas, the ultra-Orthodox
    Israeli party

    Renames Washington Square to Baruch Goldstein Square (corner of
    Waverly and Kahane)

    Poses nude for Tikkun magazine

    Dips the Big Apple in honey in Times Square on New Year's Eve

    Institutes mandatory moment of kvetching in Public Schools

    Changes name of city to Nu York

    Bans Wagner from Lincoln Center concerts

    Refuses to shake wife's hand because she's married to a gentile

    The JCN Top 12 List is a regular feature of the Jewish Communication
    Network, http://www.jcn18.com. Circulating this list without attribution and
    our URL deprives your friends of the chance to sample our humor for themselves.


    President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th grade classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

    The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the President asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

    One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

    "No" says Bush, "that would be an accident."

    A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

    "I'm afraid not" explains the President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

    The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

    Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

    "Correct" exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

    "Well," Lil' Johnny said, "because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't be a great loss."


    Types of Feminists
    by Lenore Levine

    I recently read the classification of feminism's different subsidiary
    movements, which is part of soc.feminism's FAQ. I would like to submit
    my own, instead.

    1) Moonbeam Feminism. Utopian idealists have been involved in feminism
    since the beginning. They do not believe in making any compromise
    with current reality; instead, they believe that society can be
    made perfect, and, hence, that individual women can be made perfect.
    The way to achieve this perfection is to follow some set of rules
    exactly, and not to stray outside it

    Moonbeam Feminists love to tell women what to do. As a matter of
    fact, Moonbeam Feminism can be delineated in the following manner:
    Make a list of your favorite wholesome pleasures, and you can find
    some Moonbeam Feminist to speak out against them. (As a matter of
    fact I tried this, and achieved success with every activity except
    swimming. Takers, anyone? Are you sure my love of the pool isn't
    politically immature?)

    This school of thought was founded in the 70's by female separatists,
    who told women to give up having sex with men. I even knew a woman, at
    the time, who complained about the filthy toms trying to sexually
    assault her cat! (Meanwhile said animal was trying to climb up the
    chimney to get at these toms.)

    The torch of Moonbeam Feminism has been passed, in the 90's, to
    soc.feminism's more aggressive male posters. These self-appointed
    ideologues seem awfully eager to tell women to give up marriage and
    other monogamous relationships. And, sometimes, of course, to offer
    themselves as the person to give up monogamy with. Are you surprised?

    2) Co-Opted Feminism. While Moonbeam Feminists ignore reality, Co-Opted Feminists
    let it impose on them. This movement was started in the late 70's by the
    old new Ms., and its imitators (Working Woman and the like). They told us
    we should do whatever it takes to succeed in the boardroom, even if it
    means wearing panty hose that bind and high heels that pinch, and spending
    half an hour fixing our hair each morning.

    Co-Opted Feminists never answer the following questions: 1) If women can
    change reality enough to get jobs they never could have gotten thirty years
    ago, can't they change it even further, in comfortable clothing? 2) Isn't
    it more fun to hang out with four-year-olds than backstabbers in suits?
    3) How many of us really want to sell aluminum siding the rest of our
    lives? That is, are men really happy doing this, either?

    Co-Opted Feminists can, of course, give some good practical advice, which
    is certainly ethical to follow. But if they only talk about how to get
    along in a corrupt system, and not about how to change it, is this advice

    Co-Opted Feminism contains the following commercially oriented

    2a) Mary Kay Feminism. The idea that a woman can do anything she wants, as
    long as she wears the right makeup.

    2b) Jenny Craig Feminism. The idea that a woman can do anything she wants,
    as long as she isn't fat.

    2c) Carole Shaw Feminism. The idea that large women should learn to accept
    their own bodies, and recognize their attractiveness and personal
    worth. And, that this self-acceptance is shown by buying large
    quantities of grooming products.

    There are also other, minor schools of feminist thought, which offer their own
    perspective on the relationship between Woman and Reality. Among them are:

    3) Dominatrix Feminism. Dominatrix Feminism arose in an error of logic: the idea
    that because feminists are strong, all strong women are feminists. Now, what
    is the most popular media representation of a strong woman? The dominatrix.
    That is, a woman in a tight leather jumpsuit and spike heels, who "forces"
    men to perform sexual activities, and pretends to enjoy this, for money.

    Dominatrix Feminists have made a hero out of Madonna, for wearing a leather
    brassiere on stage and pretending to masturbate. They love women of dubious
    character who come on strong, such as Leni Riefenstahl, and just about any
    female who appears on stage or screen in a tight leather jumpsuit. I'm
    surprised they haven't said much about that female serial killer featured
    on 60 Minutes; but I suspect she's next.

    (I sometimes wonder about men who call themselves male feminists. I don't
    mean men who are kind, or perceptive, or supportive of women's legitimate
    interests. Believe me, I don't! No, I question the men who post on feminist
    newsgroups, advocating a female superiority I don't accept, or expecting me
    to assume a hatred of men I just don't have. Some of them may just be
    ideological sheep. But I wonder if there are others who don't care that much
    about women's liberation, in any true sense of the word -- but just want to
    be dominated!)

    4) Honorary Man Feminism. Honorary Man Feminists do not question the separation of
    male and female social roles, or their nature. They just believe women
    should have the right to assume the male one. Honorary Man Feminism may have
    been the only kind around in the 1930's -- which may explain why Honorary
    Man Feminists adore butch 30's movie stars (like Dietrich and Hepburn) so
    much. Honorary Man Feminists are typically annoyed with the post-1968
    movement, since by blurring gender roles it's taken away the privileges
    they worked so hard to earn.

    The noisiest propounder of this movement is, of course, Camille Paglia
    (though Florence King does the whole schtick much funnier, and with a lot
    more honesty). And yes, I really think Ms. Paglia is sincere when she calls
    herself a feminist. It's just that her definition of feminism goes back to
    her youth, and is not very compatible with the current one.

    Note that the Native Americans of the Great Plains were also Honorary Man
    Feminists. That is, their culture made quite rigid distinctions in gender
    role: males were fierce warriors, and females gentle homemakers. But they
    allowed each individual to assume the gender they wanted.

    4) Nicey-Poo Feminism. Nicey-Poo Feminists have taken the sensible idea that women
    should be supportive of other women, and distorted it almost out of
    recognition. That is, Nicey-Poo Feminists believe that feminism means never
    saying anything controversial (at least in their own circles), and never
    saying anything about another woman that isn't nice.

    Nicey-Poo Feminism has been promoted by the new new Ms. (post-1990). This
    magazine is afraid to print anything which any segment of their audience
    might find offensive. After all, if they actually said anything mischievous
    or funny, their circulation might increase. (A fate they seem determined to
    avoid at all costs.)

    5) Me Too Feminism represents the male wing of the Moonbeam Feminist movement (at
    least, its proponents seem to be most active during the full of the moon).
    Me Too Feminism is not the concept that men have their own problems with
    stereotyped sex roles, or that many abuses typically inflicted on women
    (such as sexual harassment) are also carried out on men. No, these ideas
    make too much sense for Internet's Lost Boys, the Me Too Feminists. What
    they are saying is quite different: that whatever problems women have, men
    have to the same degree, or more. And that, therefore, the feminist movement
    should be disbanded.

    Me Too Feminists are quite inventive; but I would really like to see their
    equivalent for menstrual cramps.


    US-Iraqi Policy

    Clinton visits Saddam Hussein to talk about the weapon-inspections in Iraq.
    As he sits down he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of the chair of
    Saddam. When Saddam sits down, Clinton immediately asks, "Why are there
    three buttons in your arm-rest?'

    'You'll see' replies Saddam.

    They start the talks, but after 10 minutes Saddam presses the first
    button, and 'WHACK' a boxing glove hits Clinton in the face, Clinton grabs
    his nose, while Saddam is laughing himself silly. Clinton remains calm
    because he doesn't want this to affect the talks.

    After another 10 minutes, Saddam presses the 2nd button and another boxing
    glove hits Clinton in the stomach. While Clinton is gasping for air,
    Saddam falls out of his chair from laughing. Clinton gets annoyed by now,
    but still remains outwardly calm.

    They resume the talk, but after 5 minutes Saddam presses the final button,
    and from under the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, right in the
    groin. Clinton is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave. "We'll
    continue this talk next week in the White House" says the President.

    Saddam, choking from laughing, is too proud to say no, so the appointment

    A week later Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval Office, and as Saddam
    sits down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of Clinton's chair.

    As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees that Clinton presses the first button,
    and ducks really fast, but nothing seems to happen. This doesn't stop
    Clinton from laughing...really loud.

    After this, Clinton continues where he left off, until he presses another
    button. Saddam reacts really quick, and jumps up. Absolutely nothing
    happens, and this time Clinton falls out of his chair laughing. Saddam
    doesn't get it - what the hell is happening here?

    But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further.
    After a few minutes Clinton presses the final button. This time, Saddam
    stays sitting, but Clinton isn't, he's is rolling on the floor, doubled
    up from laughing. Saddam is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from
    his chair and shouts: "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad"

    (Through tears of laughter from the floor) - "Baghdad?.....What Baghdad?"


    USA vs. Santa Claus

    The United States Justice Department has decided that Santa Claus has an
    unfair monopoly over the world and that anyone that wants to become a
    Santa Claus may now do so. The Justice Department also said that anyone
    wanting to become a Santa Claus will be given a $5 billion dollar grant
    to get started.


    US Army Official Voice Mail Message

    Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of
    our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please
    leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region,
    the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon
    as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug,
    marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C., and compulsory
    "Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your call.

    Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please
    listen to the following numbers:

    If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United
    States Marine Corps.

    If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels,
    and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs,
    please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this
    service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special
    consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or
    stealth technology who can provide additional research and
    development funding.

    If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit
    of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band,
    please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please
    note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be
    provided on A first-come, first-served basis.

    If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid
    Deployment Force. If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and
    your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations
    Command. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required
    to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that
    USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell
    you why, as it will be classified.

    If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at,
    paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a
    condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your ***
    off daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day
    and night, and whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits
    package, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be
    connected to a bitter passed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall
    down by the Post Office.

    Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the
    United States Army.


    Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more
    than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
    * 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
    * 7 have been arrested for fraud
    * 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
    * 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
    * 3 have done time for assault
    * 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
    * 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
    * 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
    * 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
    * 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
    Can you guess which organization this is?
    Give up yet?
    It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same
    group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed
    the rest of us in line. You gotta pass this one on.


    US Sues G-d For Monopoly Over the Universe
    by Ben Oren

    Yesterday, in an effort to bring more choice to human beings in their
    pursuit of spirituality and everythingness, the United States Department
    of Justice and the Free-Trade Commission took the first step to curb
    G-d's monopoly on the universe by enforcing America's anti-trust laws
    and taking Yahweh all the way to the Supreme Court.

    After receiving several complaints from prospective supreme beings whose
    hopes for entering the divine creator industry had been preemptively
    aborted by the "Big Man" himself, U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno began
    investigations into G-d's business practices and His company, Infinity
    Plus One Inc.

    According to industry experts, G-d began his company with only
    supernatural powers and a dream. He was a child prodigy who mastered
    His technical skills in creation at an early age and by the time He was
    only 19 He had dropped out of college and gathered up the capital to
    begin Infinity Plus One Inc. After two years G-d turned a profit, and
    after some 5700 years many corporate insiders would say he had cornered
    the industry as well.

    Preliminary findings by the government have unearthed shady business
    dealings by G-d to quell any potential competition from others. James
    Milton experienced the wrath of Infinity Plus One last year when he made
    his own attempt to jump into the burgeoning god market. However, what
    he found soon pushed him back into his old profession -- Assistant
    Bowling Shoe Attendant at Lots-O-Bowl in Piscattaway, NY. "When I heard
    about the money a guy could make in starting a god business I was like,
    'I need to try this.'"

    However, soon afterwards Mr. Milton experienced some of G-d's hardball
    tactics. At first he just received a few subtle messages, like the time
    he saw a burning bush in his backyard, or the time Lot's wife turned to
    salt. But when he did not heed these warnings, G-d became a bit more
    aggressive in his attempt to prevent Milton's "Gods-R-Me" Industries from
    coming into existence.

    "One day I was eating lunch," says Milton, "going over some plans with
    my consultants, when all of a sudden boils popped up all over our
    bodies. I thought nothing of it, until I returned home and my first
    born son was dead. That's when I decided that it was in my best
    interest not to screw around with G-d."

    Similarly unethical, and potentially unlawful, business practices by
    Infinity Plus One Inc. have sprung up since the initial suit was filed.

    Coming out of the Supreme Court, G-d was reticent and forwarded all
    questions to his dream team of lawyers, which is headed by Johnnie
    Cochran. In a press conference following the first day of testimony,
    Cochran declared, "The United States Government has nothing on my
    client. G-d is a good and benevolent man. He is a man who made the
    universe in six days and can end it in a nanosecond. That's not a
    threat. That's just the facts. So if you don't want to burn in
    hell-fire, this case must expire!"

    Rounding out G-d's legal advisory committee are Moses, King Solomon,
    Jesus of Nazareth, Mohammed, and William Jennings Bryan.

    Reno retorted, "Just because this man is above time does not mean he is
    above the law. We believe we do have a case against Mr. Yahweh and we
    shall pursue it with the utmost care, well within both our rights as the
    government and His rights as G-d."

    The Department of Justice believes it has a solid case against Jehovah
    citing the past legal ruling of New Jersey v. Zarathustra (1974) in
    which the state of New Jersey sued Satan and his company, Disney Inc.,
    for their monopoly of Hell.

    Yesterday's testimony came to a standstill in a bizarre turn of events
    when God refused to swear on the bible and instead chose to swear on
    himself. When U.S. attorney Tom McDamd objected, a lighting bolt
    suddenly hit him in the face, causing Chief Justice William Rehnquist to
    dismiss the session until the following day.


    A long time ago, Julius Caesar declared, "Veni, vidi, vici." "I came, I saw, I conquered." His words echoed throughout two millenia. Until one day...

    • Monica Lewinsky gushed, "Orgasmus, slidici, incontinare." "He came, I slipped, it dribbled."
    • Linda Tripp hissed, "Verboso, memorex, serpentus." "She told, I taped, I blabbed."
    • Kenneth Starr cheered, "Gerministi! Homonisti! Felonisti!" "It matched! It's HIS! I GOT him!"
    • And Bill Clinton sobbed, "Perjuratum, erratis, manuro". "I lied - I mean - I didn't."

    Voting Decisions

    A man walked up to a farmer as he came out of a voting booth, "I'm
    from the FBI."

    "What seems to be the trouble?"

    "We happen to know that you accepted a bribe and sold your vote."

    "That's not true. I voted for the candidate because I like him."

    "Well, that's where we've got you. We have concrete evidence you
    accepted $50 from him."

    "Well, it's plain common sense. If someone gives you $50, you're
    going to like him."


    What About Whiskey?

    A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If
    you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the
    body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against

    But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield
    against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into
    public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.

    This is my position, and I will not compromise."


    Which Candidate to Vote For?

    Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous
    campaign rallies in the same park of a small New England town. After a
    lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd
    -- shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily.

    Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain. One of the candidates fled
    to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars. The
    other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd -- shaking
    hands, kissing babies, etc.

    "That man's persistence yonder," observed one of the natives, "sure makes it
    easy to know who to vote for."

    "Yep," another native agreed. "Sure can't see myself casting a vote for a man
    who hasn't the good sense to come in out of the rain."


    World According to the USA - Political

    • You can't talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy.
    • You think Ralph Nader makes a lot of sense.
    • The closest you've ever actually been to a rain forest is a Sting concert.
    • You don't understand why anyone was bothered by Jane's trip to Hanoi.
    • You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies.
    • You would rather have Bill Clinton make your investments than Fidelity.
    • You've never had to worry about marginal tax rates.
    • You have to use the term "mean spirited" in every sentence when talking about welfare reform.
    • You actually expect to collect Social Security.
    • You think the State of Florida should have tried to reform Ted Bundy.
    • You have a "Run, Jesse Run" bumper sticker on your diesel Volvo.
    • You think the Great Society has actually worked.
    • You got teary eyed during the film "The American President."
    • You think Ayn Rand is an African currency.
    • You get goose bumps when Barbra Streisand sings for Bill.
    • You think political patronage describes the Kennedy family.
    • You've tried to get in touch with Hillary's broker.
    • You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.
    • You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore.
    • You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.
    • You think that Vietnam and Bosnia are two completely different situations.
    • You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to.
    • You like Rolling Stone, but they should really get rid of that PJ O'Rourke guy.
    • You actually believe the NY Times and Washington Post.
    • You know at least one Vegan.
    • You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.
    • You'd rather own Birkenstock than Merck Stock.
    • You actually believe that Clinton has created 4 million jobs.
    • You think Capital Formation refers to the Secret Service contingent following Bill on his daily jog to McDonalds.
    • You think that the Teamsters are misunderstood.
    • You think public housing is great, but just NIMBY (Not In My Back Yard).
    • You think the anti-war protestors from '60s are the real heros.
    • You think that Supply Side Economics refers to your dope dealer's stash.
    • You would send your kids to public schools, if they just had better extracurriculars.
    • You think Al Gore is the second most powerful person in Washington.
    • You actually think that poverty can be abolished.
    • You think that Joan Baez had something to say.
    • You admire the Swedish welfare system.
    • You know that Jefferson really meant to say "Entitled to Happiness."
    • You think the Flat Tax should be at 95%.
    • You go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.
    • You know that Vince Foster wasn't having an affair with Hillary because no one is that desperate.

    You Might Be a Conservative
    by Chris Gladish

    You might be a conservative if:

    * You watch the Rush Limbaugh show the same way your kid watches "Barney
    and Friends"

    * You believe an adulterer who served his wife divorce papers while she
    was in the hospital and later had to be taken to court for lack of child
    support payments named Newt when he talks about how he's for "Family

    * You complain about the "liberal media" on any of the numerous
    conservative political TV/radio talk shows.

    * You have a bumper sticker that says "Insured by Smith and Wessen"

    * You believe the hole in the ozone layer to be a myth created by crazy

    * You believe the Holocaust to be a myth created by crazy liberals.

    * You fervently speak about the evils of marijuana at social gatherings
    with a vodka straight in hand.

    * You believe the Constitution states the Christianity is our official

    * You molest campaign workers, then lie about it on national television...
    oops, my mistake... that's "You might be Newt Gingrinch if.."

    * You think the words feminist and lesbian are synonyms.

    * If you fit any of Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck if..."

    * You believe every man, woman, child and fetus should be armed to the
    teeth with AK-47's, hand grenades, handguns, and any other weapon

    * You actually believe that people actually own AK-47's for "hunting

    * You have faith in idiotic economic policies such as "trickle down

    * You don't see why everyone's so down on Mark Fuhrman.

    * You think that Michaelangelo's David should be wearing boxers at the

    * The hostess at the Sizzler knows you by name.

    * You have a button that says "I'm not prejudice, I hate everyone"

    * You can ask your daddy to bail you out when you lose hundreds of
    thousands of dollars from embezzling S&L's

    * Your main source for news is an egocentric man named Rush who distorts
    facts consistantly to fit his views and opinions.

    * You want to find another out-of-work actor to play the figurehead for
    the Republican party (perhaps Bonzo's free)

    * Your response to anything Bill Clinton says includes a reference to
    Arkansas hillbillies.

    * You still attempt to defend Dan Quayle's intelligence.

    * You get offended if someone is unusually quiet on the way to a funeral...
    oops, sorry, my fault again... thats another "You might be Newt

    * You refuse to talk to your sister because she's a lesbian... dangit,
    sorry...once again, another "You might be Newt..."

    * You obsessively impose your own morality upon others.

    * You wish to ammend the Constitution to make desecration of the flag

    * You wish to rewrite the first ammendment to make desecration of the
    flag illegal.

    * You wish to rewrite the first commandment to make desecration of the
    flag illegal (and here, you thought you were such a good Christian...)

    * You believe that if parents and teachers don't mention sex to a child
    until s/he is 25, then s/he won't even know it exists until then.

    * You think Clarence Thomas is a good spokesman for the black community.

    * You must first don rubber gloves before shaking hands with a homosexual.

    * You attribute the lack of close families to Murphy Brown.

    * You helped to ban Beavis from saying "fire", yet keep a loaded handgun
    in the house (doesn't matter if it's hidden.. your kid knows where it
    is, trust me.)

    * You have a sticker saying "Guns don't kill people, people do" (and I
    suppose those little bullet things are harmless too)

    * You believe that everyone else should hold the same moralistic and
    political views as you, and by God, you're going to see to it that they

    and finally...

    * You believed anything on the previous "You might be a liberal if..." list.


    You Might Be A Democrat If ...

    You think the rich can get richer off people who have no money.

    You've named your kids "Stardust" or "Moonbeam."

    You've tried to argue that all of societies problems are based on the
    fact that McDonald's, by law, only has to pay $5/hr.

    If you utter the phrase "There ought to be a law" at least once a week.

    If you have ever used the phrase "protecting prisoner's rights".

    If you find yourself nodding vigorously and saying "someone finally said
    it right" during an episode of Oprah.

    You've ever referred to the Military/Industrial Complex during a

    You know you never laughed as a kid, the world was in just too
    bad a shape.

    All of your 1970's "Beware of Global Freezing" signs now have
    "Beware of Global Warming" on the back.

    Your friends told you how much fun you had at the Grateful Dead show,
    but your not sure what year you saw them.

    You file suit against the mall rent-a-cops for posting signs stating
    that your bags are subject to inspection.

    You've ever argued that "you can't legislate morality".

    Referred to the Founding Fathers as "those aristocratic, chauvinistic,
    lily white, slave owning, land stealing oppressors of indigenous

    You argued that a few more months of sanctions and Sadam Hussein would
    fold like rookie poker player.

    You know more than 2 people who have a degree in "Womyn's Studies."

    You've ever said "But look at all the good Ted Kennedy has done for
    the women of this country!"

    You blame things on "The Man."

    You believe that Bart Simpson only needs a little more affection.

    You've ever stared at a wall and said "Now THAT is definitely man's
    inhumanity to man!"

    You argue that the only flaw with Marx is that Russia was an agrarian

    You've ever called the meter maid a Fascist.

    You are giddy at the prospect of the return of bell bottoms.

    You argue that the Second Amendment only refers to Federally organized

    You view Jane Fonda as a courageous heroine with strong convictions.

    You view Hootie and the Blowfish as the bedrock of culture refinement
    for the 90's.

    After looking at your pay stub you can still say "America is

    You've ever said "We really should call the ACLU about this."

    You've ever referred to "the glass ceiling."

    You know 2 or more people with "concrete proof" that the Pentagon is
    covering up: Roswell the Kennedy assassination the CIA's role in
    creating AIDS.

    You came of age in the '60s and don't remember.

    You've ever owned a VW bug or ridden in a Microbus.

    You own something that says Dukakis for President, and still display

    You believe it because "Dan Rather wouldn't lie about something this

    You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a
    tax hike because..."

    You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "is a victim of Draconian
    budget cuts."

    You've ever argued that with just 1 more year of welfare that person
    will turn it around and get off drugs.

    You think Lennon was a brilliant social commentator.

    You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic

    You are outraged that Baseball Players make millions and the poor clerk
    at the unemployment office only makes 28 bucks an hour doing such good

    You believe that an elected official attending religious services is a
    violation of the separation of Church and state.

    You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the
    defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.

    You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.

    You think that Al Gore macherena thing was a laugh riot.

    You feel that Green Peace is misunderstood.

    You keep your PC dictionary with you at all times so as not to offend.

    You think communism will catch on once society has evolved.

    You've tried to argue in favor of anything based on "Well, they're
    gonna do it anyway so...."

    You've ever stated "How does what he does in his personal life have
    any bearing on doing his job?"

    You don't understand all the commotion about Whitewater, Vince Foster,
    selling US foreign policy for campaign contributions, it's just
    politics, right?


    " What is a liberal? In election years, they're particularly hard
    to find. Even the president and first lady-who do the PC tango to the
    tune of "Blowin' in the Wind"-shun the la
    Last week, Hillary guru and retro-New Leftist Michael Lerner held
    a Summit on Ethics and Meaning in D.C. Among other exotic proposals,
    the 1,300 delegates endorsed forcing businesses to give parents a year
    of paid leave and replacing college SATs with "empathy traini
    Weird though they are, these people at least know what they are.
    Many of the afflicted are ignorant of their condition. For these
    unfortunates, we offer a handy guide to political self-identificat

    You know you're a liberal if:

    You think sexual harassment is rampant, date rape pervasive,
    domestic violence common and Paula Jones is lying.

    You hate Hillary jokes.

    You pale at the execution of child killers, but defend the
    killing of unborn children as an expression of choice.

    You think trees have feelings, animals can conceptualize and
    the fetus is a blob of protoplasm.

    You are convinced that Frank Capra films and Norman Rockwell
    paintings are lies and distortions but "Platoon,"
    "Dances with Wolves," and "Thelma and Louise" are real

    You thought Walt Disney was saccharine sweet and terminally
    cutesy-pie - until it made "Pocahontas."

    You think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the
    school day constitutes government indoctrination and an
    intrusion on parental authority, while sex education, condom
    distribution and multiculturalism are values

    You agonize over threats to the natural environment (acid
    rain, toxic waste) but are oblivious to threats to the social
    environment (pornography, promiscuity, and family diss

    You want to legalize cocaine and outlaw handguns.

    You think cops are pigs and criminals are products of their

    You believe the National Rifle Association helps criminals while
    the American Civil Liberties Union protects the innocent.

    You think Rush Limbaugh is responsible for the Oklahoma City
    bombing but are outraged by suggestions that Ted Kaczynski (the
    suspected Unabomber) and Al Gore have anything in common

    Jesse Jackson makes sense to you. Barbra Streisand makes even more

    You think Herblock cartoons are funny and Janet Reno is totally hot.

    You believe corporate profits are obscene but government spending
    is too low and the American people are undertaxed.

    You think deficits are caused by tax loopholes.

    You think marriage is obsolete - except for homosexuals.

    You believe homosexuality is genetically determined, but fascism
    and spouse abuse aren't.

    You think AIDS is spread by insufficient funding.

    You considers the Catholic bishops noble and idealistic when they
    oppose capital punishment and welfare cuts but dangerous fanatics
    trying to legislate their theology when they defend the right

    You are convinced that proponents of welfare reform hate the poor
    and opponents of affirmative action hate minorities, but AIDS
    activists who bash the Pope and People for the American Way types
    who go psycho over Protestant "fundamentalists" are guardians

    You attribute every minority problem to entrenched, institutional
    racism and the legacies of slavery and segregation.

    You think the black middle class is a myth created by Newt Gingrich.

    You view race riots as justifiable expressions of rage over
    injustice and fail to see the similarities between a black mob
    burning a Korean store and a white mob in the Jim Crow era lynching
    a black man

    You don't understand all of the whining about affirmative action and
    are more than willing to sacrifice someone else's employment or
    education opportunity to assuage your conscience

    You marched against American involvement in Vietnam, thought the
    Gulf war was unnecessary but believe 25,000 U.S. troops in Bosnia
    are vital to our national interests

    You see no correlation between welfare and the rise of illegitimacy,
    judicial leniency and surging crime rates, or addiction and an
    entertainment industry that glorifies drug abuse. But you
    believe Richard Nixon is responsible for everything horrible
    that's happened in the past quarter

    You think those child-abusing, religious fanatics at Waco had it
    coming but the illegal immigrants roughed up by California
    deputies - after leading them on a high-speed chase - are the
    victims of the system

    Lastly, you're a liberal if - you don't get the point of this column."


    bushi1 - Political

    bushi2 - Political