The Referendum on Arcane and Confusing Election Referenda
by Joe Lavin
"A yes vote on proposition 36,753Q.6 would pass the proposed non-
binding amendment, hereby referred to as the Arcane, Confusing, and
Generally Incomprehensible Amendment That You Won't Really
Understand Anyway So Don't Bother Trying (See full text on pages 11-
146 of your ballot.) which will create a more strenuous provision to the
previously aforementioned Proposition 36,752Q.6 by replacing Section H
1.3(34).4 with Section H1.3(33).398.
"A no vote on proposition 36,753Q.6 would lead to the destruction of
American society as we know it while allowing members of the state
legislature to loot and pillage your property and possibly date your
Yep, it's election time, that time of year we all cherish when politics is in
the air, when decisions are being made, and when candidates go on
television to talk about real issues that affect all of our lives: "Doug
Wankerman. He could be a homicidal serial rapist who beats his children.
You just never know these days. Don't take the risk. Vote experience.
Vote Bob Nobbler for Governor."
Have you all remembered to register to vote? Damnit, I have.
I'm all for democracy, but the ballot is really starting to annoy me. It's not
just all the questions. It's the number of jobs that are being decided on
Election Day. Must we have an election for every government post? Not
to sound like a pundit or anything, but is this really what the American
people want? I try to stay informed, but I just don't want to vote for
someone when I have barely heard of the job he or she is applying for. I
can handle Senators, State Senators, Representatives, and Governors,
but can't some of these officials choose the rest? Instead of an election,
just take out a pile of resumes and pick somebody.
And some of the so-called elections are just ridiculous. When I used to
live in Missouri, every judge there had to be approved by voters. There
were over fifty judges listed on the ballot, all with a yes or a no after
them. Well, how was I to know if a particular judge was really up to the
task? Eventually, I started skipping the section. A friend, meanwhile,
spent several minutes painstakingly marking no next to every Judge.
"Well, of course, I voted no. They're all lawyers." He explained.
Obviously, the questions on the ballot are the most tedious part of the
process. Here's an actual question from a recent ballot: "Shall the state
representative be instructed to vote in favor of a bill to reduce the size of
the Board of Aldermen from 24 members to 16 members?" Well, gee, how
would I know? I don't even know what an Alderman is. Sure, 24 sounds
like a lot of them, but, hey, what if an Alderman gets injured? Then what?
Maybe we do need 24. You know, just in case.
I wish I was a better citizen, but like most people I don't have the time to
adequately research all these issues, and I don't like voting when I don't
know all the details. Sorry, but I'm just not excited about deciding
obscure zoning issues or water inspection questions or whatever else
gets on the ballot. Don't we elect our representatives to deal with these
matters themselves? Isn't that why we pay them? Isn't that the whole
point of representative democracy? I can't help but wonder if this is why
so many people abstain from voting.
It would be great if something could be done to stop all this, but I don't
really have a solution. Probably the best thing I can do is to collect a
bunch of signatures myself and get my own proposition on the ballot.
Could we please stop with all the propositions? Okay?
Sure, it's a rather silly idea, but it may be the only chance we have.