Flabby? Weak? Old? Fat? White? Have no fear; your friends are here! If you
would like to join up with people just like
yourself, take this handy-dandy aptitude test and see if you qualify.
Minorities need not bother, unless they are an ex-athelete.
1. NRA stands for
A. National Rifle Association
B. Nuts Running Amok
c. Nature's Revenge Association
2. Newt Gingrich is
A. A mean, lying hypocrite who served up his divorce papers to his wife
while she was on her cancer death bed, and allowed his children to
become so destitute that their church had to take up a collection
to feed and clothe them, who supported Vietnam but didn't go due to
an "old knee injury" which doesn't seem to mess with his jogging
routine much these days.
B. the Speaker of the House
C. A war hero, poster boy for family values, and a hell of a model American.
3. Anyone who talks bad about any Republican is
A. Excercising their First Amendment rights to free speech.
B. a lying pinko commie traitor homosexual.
C. to be shot immediately, like they do in China.
4. Rush Limbaugh is
A. a long-winded contradictory lying fat-ass with the charm of Hitler and
the good looks of Roscoe P. Coltrane.
B. an ex-talk show host and author of two successful books.
C. the only show we're allowed to watch, here at the militia compound.
5. If presented with a loaded gun, I would
A. empty it and put it someplace safe
B. test fire it in the backyard at some bricks
C. go out lookin' for Bubba McCoy, that sumbitch owes me $75.
6. I listen to Willie Nelson because
A. his music has a nice beat and it's fun to sing along with.
B. my daddy played him when we'd go shewtin' rats.
C. he's the only man with ponytails that ain't a fag.
7. I drive a
A. Big-ass pickup truck.
B. Big rig.
C. Mobile home.
8. Bob Dole was born immediately after
A. World War I
B. the Renaissance
9. Dan Quayle was elected vice president because
A. he was an educated, charming young choice.
B. he ran against Dukakis and that broad.
C. people were nostalgic for Howdy Doody.
10. If you found a credit card
A. I would return it to the owner, undergoing whatever pains and
B. throw it away; it's probably been replaced and cancelled already.
C. FINDERS KEEPERS!!
11. Out of all the following Republicans, who served in the Vietnam war: Newt
Gingrich, Clarence Thomas, Rush Limbaugh, Dan Quayle, and George Will.
A. Not a single one.
B. All but Quayle (he was what, 6 at the time?)
C. All of them served, and I resent the implication that they didn't, you
commie pinko traitor homosexual!
12. If I saw Rush Limbaugh on the street, I would
A. Be too overcome with hero worship to do anything but maybe piss myself.
B. Shake his hand and talk to him.
C. Beat the shit out of him.
13. If my son said he was gay, I would
A. Accept it as a valid alternative lifestyle and not think any the worse
B. Try as hard as I could to forget about it, but secretly resent him until
the day I or he died.
C. Smack him around, disown him, and leave him bleeding in the dirt. Fag.
14. Your wife decides she wants to get a job. Your reaction is
A. Support; she's your most treasured lifemate.
B. Ambivalence; as long as the meals continue to get cooked on time.
C. Outrage; women belong in the home either taking care of kids or pregnant
15. Bill Clinton is president because
A. He was the most popular choice at the time.
B. This country is full of bleeding heart hippies.
C. The aliens and the queers got him elected. They're in it with the commies.
Okay, now here's your score chart: 1.A 2.C 3.C 4.B or C 5.C 6.B AND C 7.A, B,
AND C 8.A 9.A 10.C 11.C 12.A 13.C 14.C 15.C
You must have gotten every single one right, or else you can't "hang" with us, as
the youngsters say these days! If you missed a few, you get 50 bonus points for lying
about it, though; after all, that's what we're all about!
(NOTE: for all you pink commie liberal traitor homasexual dissenters, here's the
REAL answers:) 1. B 2.A 3.A 4.A 5.A 6.A 7.D none of the above 8.C 9.C 10.A or B 11.A
12.C over and over 13.A 14.A 15.A