Practice Makes Perfect:
How George W. Bush Got Through the Debates
by Andy Borowitz
In the early days of the campaign, George W. Bush appeared to be what
Republican operatives called a "work in progress" and what the rest of us
called a "chowderhead." But in hte waning days of Campaign 2000, polls
show that Bush's surprisingly strong performance in the debates has
changed those perceptions: Instead of feeling that he is "too stupid to
be president," a majority now believe that he is "just stupid enough."
Where did thos new, smarter Bush come from, and how did he make it
through the debates relatively gaffe-free? Preparation helped. For
weeks, Bush practiced for his face-offs with Vice President Gore by
debating a 6-foot-tall wooden puppet with spasmodically flailing limbs
and an overly rouged head. But aids also provided him with a secret
weapon: the following "cheat sheet" of helpful reminders to refer to
at any dicey juncture in the debates.
Canada is the one up there; Mexico is the one down there.
One plus one is two, two plus two is four, and anything bigger than
that is "fuzzy."
People from Lapland are called "Laplanders," not "Lap Dancers."
There is no need to say that you are in favor of statehood for Hawaii.
The Hague is the location of the World Court, not the Food Court.
The correct address is 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
"Egregious" means bad. It does not mean "agrees with Regis."
Thomas Jefferson was a president of the United States; George
Jefferson was the guy married to Weezy.
There is no branch of government called "the digestive branch."
In the middle of the debate, try to avoid saying, "I could sure use a
nap right 'bout now."
If they ask you what book you are reading, do not say "That really long
one about history and junk."
The president of Russia is Vladimir Putin, not Boris Badenov.
There is no such thing as a Midwest peace process.
Always remember to say, "I'm not sure I agree with my opponent on that
issue" and not "All those long words he's using are really making
my head hurt."
Topics to avoid: Texas budget deficits, why Saddam Hussein is still in
power, what you did between graduating Yale and being elected
governor of Texas.
It's East Timor, not East Jesus.
Do not say, "I can't believe I'm missing 'Smackdown!' for this."
Diana Ross is not now -- nor has she ever been -- a member of the
Remember, it's Dick Cheney, not "that old bald guy Dad made me pick."
When in doubt, smirk.