King David Admits to Adultery, Murder of Servant
Jerusalem--In a stunning admission of guilt last night King David
acknowledged that he had an "inappropriate relationship" with Bathsheba,
the wife of his loyal servant Uriah the Hittite, which resulted not only
in her pregnancy but in the betrayal and murder of Uriah as he fought in
the Royal Army during the Ammonite War.
David made the confession after it was clear that his confidant Nathan T.
Prophet, who had been subpoenaed by indepedent counsel H.A. Seytan,
would cooperate with the investigation into the affair. It is rumored
that Prophet has received inside information from a source in "high
places" about David's involvement in the scandal.
"Have mercy on me, O G-d," a contrite David said in his speech. "Wash me
thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin." While some
believe the sincerity of his plea, many question whether David's
confession is just another "song and dance" he has written for inclusion
in his growing collection of Psalms. Temple insiders admit that because of
the "immoral" nature of David's actions, they are now debating whether his
Book of Psalms can even be included in the sacred canon.
Independent Counsel Seytan, rebounding from his failed probe into Job's
faith claims, said in a statement today that he feels vindicated by the
recent turn of events. Because he is still completing his report into the
Bathsheba affair, Seytan declined further comment. He did say before
disappearing in a puff of smoke that he intends to "get to the bottom" of
the enigmatic claim made by the King last night when he also admitted that
he "was born guilty, a sinner when my mother conceived me." "If the
King's been guilty for that long," Seytan said, "I wonder what else he's
trying to hide."
Although Seytan's report will not be released for another few weeks,
pundits speculate that it may force the King to resign. Legal experts say
the Bathsheba affair, with its adultery, murder, and coveting, violates at
least three of the Ten Commandments. Political foes of David, who have
questioned his kingship since his involvement in the mysterious death of
Goliath T. Giant, argue that the King has never been fit for office.
"I've seen the Messiah," one senior prophet said on background. "The
Messiah is a vision of mine, and believe me, King David is no Messiah."