A Typical Daily Schedule if the Republicans
8:00 am Morning Stretch: Arnold Schwarzenegger does squats while
reciting passages of "Atlas Shrugged."
9:00 am Mr. Rogers' Segregated Neighborhood: King Friday sings
"Elitism is neat." The House Un-American Activities investigation of
Mr. McFeely continues. Mr. Rogers explains why certain kids can't be
10:00 am Sesame Street: Jerry Falwell teaches Big Bird to be more
judgemental. Oscar the Grouch plays substitute for Rush Limbaugh.
Bert and Ernie are kicked out of the military. Jesse Helms bleaches all
he Muppets white.
11:00 am Square One: A MathNet episode "Ernest Does Trickle-Down."
Jim Varney explains how cutting taxes for the rich and spending more on
defense will balance the budget.
Noon Washington Week in Review: Special guest Senator Bob Dole,
explaining why the current pension crisis, budget deficit, bank
closings, farm foreclosures, S & L bailouts, inflation, recession, job
loss, and trade deficit can all be blamed on someone else.
1:00 pm Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Guest detective Pat
Buchanan helps kids build a wall around the U.S.
2:00 pm William F. Buckley's Firing Line: Guests George Will, Rush
Limbaugh, John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G.
Gordon Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran,
Paul Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin
bemoan the need for more conservative media voices.
3:00 pm Nature: Join James Watt and Charlton Heston as they use
machine guns to bag endangered species.
4:00 pm NOVA: "Creationism: Discredited, but what the hell?"
5:00 pm Newt Gingrich News Hour: Clarence Thomas and Bob Packwood
present in-depth personal reports on sexual harassment. Pat Buchanan
says he is being shut out from national exposure.
6:00 pm Mystery Theater: Hercule Poirot, Jane Marple, and Sherlock
Holmes team up to investigate Whitewater.
7:00 pm Great Performances: Pat Buchanan is a guest conductor of
Wagner's "Prelude to a Cultural War."
8:00 pm Masterpiece Theater: Ibsen's "A Doll's House." Phyllis
Schafly adds to this classic with an added scene where Nora gladly
gives up her independence while her husband chains her to the stove.
9:30 pm Washington Week in Review: Guests George Will, Rush Limbaugh,
John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G. Gordon
Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran, Paul
Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin discuss
liberal media bias.
10:00 pm Adam Smith's Money World: How to Profit from Ozone Depletion
10:30 pm Nightly Business Report: Wall Street celebrates the end of
all laws regarding antitrust, consumer protection, work-place safety,
environmental protection, minimum wage and child labor.
11:00 pm Insights of Dan Quayle
11:01 pm Sign-Off