Forget the News, Full Sleaziness Ahead!
by Dave Barry
from THE MIAMI HERALD, Wednesday, January 28, 1998
Anchor: Good evening, this is Tom Brokaw or possibly Peter Jennings, and
tonight we have word that astronomers have detected a giant asteroid
that, on its current calculated trajectory, could very likely slam
into the Earth sometime next week and wipe out all life on the planet.
But our top story tonight is the ongoing alleged sex scandal
involving President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, whose picture we are
showing you now for the estimated four millionth time, so that even
when you close your eyes, there she is! Monica Lewinsky! We can't get
enough of her! Here in the news media we are so excited about this
scandal that we are changing our undergarments on an hourly basis. We
go now to a correspondent standing in front of the White House for the
Correspondent: Tom or Peter, the latest development is that today, when the president
issued his ritualistic flagrantly insincere denial that nobody believes
except Buddy the White House dog, he said there is ''absolutely,
positively no truth'' to the allegations. This is a dramatic escalation
from yesterday's ritualistic denial, when the president said only that
there was "absolutely" no truth.
Anchor: So the president has now added a "positively" to the "absolutely."
Correspondent: That is correct. Presidential spokesperson Mike McCurry was asked about
this discrepancy at today's regularly scheduled White House press frenzy,
and he said, quote, "There is no significance whatsoever to the blah
Anchor: He actually used the words "blah blah blah?"
Correspondent: That is correct, and he also became very defensive when members of the
press pointed out that he looks as though he is styling his hair with a
Salad Shooter. The mood is tense at the White House, Peter or Tom.
Anchor: I'll say it is. Here's another look at the picture of Monica Lewinsky.
Now we go to our correspondent on Capitol Hill to see how the Republicans
are handling this.
Correspondent: Tom or Peter, I am here with the top Republican leaders to get their views
on this scandal.
Republican #1: We have nothing to say.
Republican #2: That is correct. It is not our place to comment on whether or not the
president of the United States was having illicit sex in the White House.
Republican #1: Oral sex.
Republican #2: With a woman practically his daughter's age.
Republican #1: Right there in the Oval Office, unzipping his . . .
Correspondent (interrupting): Thank you! There you have it,
Peter or Tom: The Republican leadership staying above this sordid affair.
Anchor: Thank you, and now, for the benefit of those viewers who are just
awakening from comas, here's the picture of Monica Lewinsky. Next we go
to our correspondent covering Vice President Al Gore, to get his reaction
to this scandal.
(We see the correspondent standing next to a large drain pipe, shouting into the opening.)
Correspondent: Mr. Vice President! Sir! Can we get a comment on this scandal? Sir? We
know you're in there!
Anchor: Five days in a drain pipe! That's a modern vice-presidential record.
Correspondent: We think Tipper is slipping him food.
Anchor: We'll be back in a moment with more on this scandal, but first we will
break for these words from our sponsors, including the debut of the Monica
Lewinsky Nike commercial.