The Morning After in New Hampshire 2000
By Jay Severin
Feb. 2, 2000 What were the presidential frontrunners
thinking when they opened their eyes the morning
after New Hampshire? Heres an exclusive peek at
their diary entries for Wednesday, Feb. 2:
George W. Bush
I thought they liked Dad so much here in New Hampshire. Thanks for
Gee, I dont get it. My handlers told me I couldnt lose,
but 19 points sure looks like a loser to me. Ninety million dollars
in the bank and I cant buy a win in this hick state? I ran the
campaign here just like my other ones, in Texas.
Whats with these Yankees, anyhow?
But its okay. My campaign manager says not to worry
all they want to talk about in South Carolina is religion
and, heck, I can do that even without my cue cards! This
McCain guy is a flash in the pan. Doesnt he know my
nomination is inevitable because I am our strongest
candidate? If I were McCain I wouldn't get too confident
just because he beat me among men, women, young, old,
rich, poor, independent, and Republican voters. Anybody
can land one lucky punch, right? On to the bank I mean
the South. Hey, have I told you about my personal
relationship with God?
I am so grateful for this big win because it restores my
confidence in the country and people I fought for. New Hampshire
voters had a choice between a rich Papa's Boy with slush for
brains and somebody actually prepared to be President of the United
States. At the risk of sounding immodest, diary, they made
exactly the right choice for America. I am proud of them and of my
campaign. They said we didnt have a chance, and we beat Junior
like a rented mule. Other than fundamentalist Christians in New
Hampshire both of them is there any group of voters
where we didn't pound him?
Bush may be the GOPs strongest candidate in November if the
election is held on Pluto. If Bush is inevitable, I'm Jane Fonda. I
know we don't have a lot of money, but right now we've got the one
thing more important: a crusade.
If I can win again in South Carolina, we'll have all the money we
need. Does W know South Carolina has the highest number of voting
veterans than any state in the country? Not to mention independents or
didn't they put that on his cue card? This is a fight to the finish, and
your Daddy can't fight this one for little Georgie. When I take the
measure of my opponent, I like my chances.
I just dont get it. I hit Bradley with everything I had,
and he didn't even fight back until the last minute. And he's
still right on my tail. Now I have to keep this frozen smile on
my face while endure another month of his attacks on my
integrity, honesty, and character. Thanks, Bill. How much
are the Republicans paying you? By the time I knock you
out, I will be broke and beaten.
And then theres my best buddy, Bill Clinton. He was
my ticket to the White House, but now he's turned into a
anvil around my neck. Hey, Bubba, like Sting says: Don't
Stand So Close To Me. Youre killing me, Bill. Did I really
say Clinton was going to be remembered as one of our greatest
presidents? Little did I know saying that may mean I won't be
remembered as a president at all. That's okay.
Dollar Bill is still a pacifist at heart, and I haven't
begun to slime. And every time Bradley cites one of my, ahem,
white lies, I will blast him for going negative. Well, on to
some normal states with lots of unions, minorities, soccer moms,
and homeless. Things are looking up!
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Whoops dozed off for a moment.
Well, its about time the people got wise. After all, it is so
obvious I am superior in every way not only as a candidate, a
thinker, and as a human being. I am glad New Hampshire got it. That
they could still give Gore a victory makes me so mad I could nearly
But I have to be careful not to get too excited, with my
bum ticker and all. I did notice that climb back into this race
coincided with fighting back. Its all so distasteful! But it
works. So let the party complain that I am beating up Al Gore
(and I sure am going to) for the Republicans. If we nominate
Gore, we lose; if we choose me, we win. As soon as I beat him in
New York and California, they'll change their tune.
I'm feeling bold. Get me a cream soda.