A Look Ahead: Some Predictions For 1999


A Look Ahead: Some Predictions for 1999
by Joe Lavin

January 1999

In the House of Representatives, impeachment proceedings begin
against Vice President Al Gore. The fact that Gore is not actually
President and that the House Judiciary Committee hasn't yet come up
with a crime to charge him with is viewed as only a minor technicality.
"These are very grave offenses that Mr. Gore has committed *whatever
they may be* and it is very important that we investigate them as soon
as possible." Republican Speaker of the House and third-in-line to the
Presidency, Denny "Who the hell is he" Hastert says.

"Plus, this way, if Clinton is thrown out of office, we'll be ready
to impeach Gore right away." He adds.

February 1999

The Senate ends the impeachment trial and allows Clinton to
remain in office. At the same time, British and American troops
attack Iraq. "Oops, sorry, we were thinking we'd better attack
Iraq again just in case we got bad news from the Senate, and
then when we got the good news we forgot to cancel the attack.
Sorry. My bad." President Clinton tells the American people in a
televised speech.

March 1999

"Film Only Showing in New York and Los Angeles" wins seven
Oscars including Best Picture. This touching six hour story about
a small boy searching for his pet dog Sparky wins in every
category in which it was nominated, despite being screened at
only two theaters. Few are surprised at the outcome, as "Film
Only Showing in New York and Los Angeles" is a hit with
almost all critics. "Two thumbs up." Siskel and Ebert exclaim.
"We loved it even though we're in Chicago and couldn't see it."

Meanwhile, Jerry Springer wins Best Actor for his role in
"Ringmaster." "I am so happy. This is a vindication of all my life's
work." Springer says in the acceptance speech he gives from the
location of his new film, "When Hell Freezes Over."

April 1999

In a surprise ruling, the Justice Department loses its anti-trust
case against Microsoft. U.S. District Judge Thomas Penfield
Jackson rules that Microsoft must be commended for at least
trying to allow competition by making products that just about
everyone hates. "This is a great day for the entire Microsoft
family." Microsoft founder Bill Gates says in a statement after the
ruling. "Rest assured, we will continue to make inferior products
for several years to come."

May 1999

Saddam Hussein finally surrenders after a surprise British and
American attack. "Since when does Clinton attack when he's not
in the middle of a scandal?" Iraqi U.N. envoy Nizar Hamdoon
asks. "Until now, we always knew when to expect an invasion,
but if he's going to attack any time instead of just during
Presidential crises, how can we possibly prepare for the
attacks? We have no choice but to surrender."

June 1999

In its first day of trading, Cyber Online Industries finishes up an
astounding 967% to close at 453 1/8. The company, formed
only a day earlier, breaks all trading records, despite never
having recorded a profit. "The Internet is a growth industry, and
Cyber Online will be a leader in that industry for years to come.
It's a must buy." C. Arthur Jones, Financial Analyst for Merrill
Lynch, says.

And exactly what does Cyber Online do? "Beats me. Do I look
like some sorta computer geek?" Mr. Jones further explains.
"Nevertheless, the Internet is a growth industry, and Cyber
Online will be a leader in that industry for years to come. It's a
must buy."

July 1999

Morale in the NBA is at an all time low as the NBA lockout
enters its second year. "This is my livelihood. If I don't start
making money soon, how will I pay off the mortgage on my fifth
mansion?" One depressed player asks. Still, he admits that there
has been a bright side to the lockout. "At least this year I've
been able to spend some of my free time with all my illegitimate
children whose child support I don't pay. That's really made it

Meanwhile, the Miami Heat pay their new janitor Rusty Miller
$37.4 million over three years. "Well, heck, I'm just so used to
giving out big contracts that I couldn't stop myself." Miami Heat
President Pat Riley admits.

August 1999

Princess Diana is still dead. All major television networks
interrupt their lowest rated programming in order to cover this
breaking news story.

September 1999

Another sex scandal breaks out in Washington when President
Clinton is discovered having an affair with a porn star. Despite
the new scandal, Clinton's approval levels hit an all time high.
Meanwhile, the religious right is shocked when accusations
surface that Speaker of the House Hastert once thought about
renting a pornographic video. In the face of such accusations,
Hastert has no choice but to resign, "Even though I never lied
under oath about this, I must set the proper example by resigning
my office." Hastert says in a speech before the House. Clinton's
approval ratings go higher.

October 1999

Amidst several loud screams and the occasional suicide from the
electorate, the 2000 Presidential campaign begins in earnest.
Nobody in the country is quite sure who is running because they
are all too afraid to turn on the news.

November 1999

Several prominent lawyers sue the U.S. Government after
officials announce that the Year 2000 problem may not be as
bad as previously thought. "Damnit! I was planning to make all
sorts of money off Y2K lawsuits. It's not fair of them to solve
everything. Now how will I make a living? God forbid I might be
forced to do something useful." One angry lawyer complains.

December 1999

The good news is that the new millennium arrives without the
world coming to an end. However, something even worse
happens instead. Monica Lewinsky gets her very own talk show
on Fox.

More Political

  1. [page] 100 Worst Ideas Of The Century
  2. [page] 12 Days Of Kennedy
  3. [page] 1992 Presidential Election
  4. [page] 5759 Rosh Hashanah Reflection On The Starr Report
  5. [page] 6 Presidents
  6. [page] A Clinton Anniversary Discovery
  7. [page] A Day On The Presidential Campaign Trail
  8. [page] A Look Ahead: Some Predictions For 1999
  9. [page] A Purpose For Government
  10. [page] A Short History Of American Politics
  11. [page] African Roulette
  12. [page] Al Gore, Poor Black Child
  13. [page] Al Gore S Concession Speech
  14. [picture] Answer To Bush Hitler 1a
  15. [page] Anti-Iraq Arsenal
  16. [page] Application For The White House Internship Program
  17. [page] As I Was Saying
  18. [page] Because
  19. [page] Bibi Light Bulb Joke
  20. [page] Bill Clinton Poll
  21. [page] Bill Clinton And St Peter
  22. [page] Bill Clinton S Retirement Plans
  23. [page] Bill Clinton S Testimony According To Dr Seuss
  24. [page] Bill Gates Give Coke Some Pointers
  25. [page] Bill Vs Monica In Biblical Times
  26. [page] Bomb Iraq
  27. [page] Brain Surgery
  28. [page] Brought To You By The Letter W
  29. [picture] Bush Binoculars
  30. [picture] Bush Bunny
  31. [page] Bush Deploys Vowels To Bosnia
  32. [picture] Bush Loses His Watch
  33. [picture] Bush Reading Upside Down
  34. [picture] Bush And Pope
  35. [page] Bush And Saddam
  36. [picture] Bush Is The Worst Disaster
  37. [picture] Bush On Vacation In New Orleans
  38. [page] Bush S Plan To Streamline Military On Target
  39. [page] Campaign Slogans For Hillary Clinton
  40. [page] Can You Guess Who?
  41. [page] Chelsea Clinton Looking For Love
  42. [page] Chelsea At College
  43. [page] Classroom Visit
  44. [page] Clinton Compared To The Titanic
  45. [page] Clinton Economic Axioms
  46. [page] Clinton Quickies
  47. [page] Clinton Speech Translator [Pre Monicagate]
  48. [page] Clinton Statue Fund
  49. [page] Clinton Tragedio Americano
  50. [page] Clinton Versus Nixon
  51. [page] Clinton Xmas
  52. [page] Clinton And The Pope
  53. [page] Clinton S August 17, 1998 Speech Translated
  54. [page] Clinton S Best And Worst Decision
  55. [page] Clinton S Disbarment Defense
  56. [page] Clinton S Ghosts
  57. [page] Clinton S Postage Stamp
  58. [page] Clinton S Voice Mail
  59. [page] Closing Arguments
  60. [page] Congress Embraces Internet Technology In Campaign Finance Reform
  61. [page] Congressional Behavior
  62. [page] Congressmans Money
  63. [page] Constitutional Amendment To Ban All Pies Except Apple
  64. [page] Conversation Between Condoleezza Rize And George Bush
  65. [page] Cows
  66. [page] Current Events
  67. [page] Cutting Down The Presidential Timber
  68. [page] Dear Al
  69. [page] Dear Diary: The Morning After In New Hampshire 2000
  70. [page] Dear Mr Hinkley
  71. [page] Dear Tide
  72. [page] Democrat Light Bulb Joke
  73. [page] Democratic Kittens
  74. [page] Diary Of A Federal Employee
  75. [page] Disney Supports New Solution To Status Of Jerusalem
  76. [page] Dubbya Keeps Up With The Law
  77. [page] Example Of Tragedy
  78. [page] Excising Florida
  79. [page] Family History
  80. [page] Feminist Agenda
  81. [page] Florida Lottery
  82. [page] Football As A Political Paradigm
  83. [page] Forget The News, Full Sleaziness Ahead
  84. [page] Fry Tim McVeigh
  85. [page] Fundamentalist Aesopians Interpret Fox-Grapes Parable Literally
  86. [page] Future News For The Election
  87. [page] GWB Appoints Hannibal Lecter Surgeon General
  88. [page] George W Bush Quotes
  89. [page] George W And Moses
  90. [page] George W At The Pearly Gates
  91. [page] George Washington And The Cherry Tree -- The New Versions
  92. [page] Georgy Bush
  93. [page] Good Luck, George
  94. [page] Goodbye Bubba S Jeans
  95. [page] Gore S Unreleased Concession Speech
  96. [page] Goreisms
  97. [page] Government Official Customer Service Card
  98. [page] Governmental X-mas
  99. [page] Holiday Changes
  100. [picture] Hotmail Inbox Of George Bush
  101. [page] House Resolution -- A Supposedly True Story
  102. [page] How Government Works: The Night Watchman
  103. [page] How Things Change
  104. [page] How To Be A Good Democrat
  105. [page] How To Be A Good Republican
  106. [page] I Believe
  107. [page] Ice Fishing
  108. [page] If Elian Gonzalez Was Jewish
  109. [page] If The Republicans Controlled PBS
  110. [page] Impeachment Trial Will Infringe Upon The Sabbath
  111. [page] Independence Revocation
  112. [page] Independent Political Parties That Didn T Make It
  113. [picture] Iraq Explained
  114. [page] Israeli Economic Planning
  115. [page] Israeli Rhetoric
  116. [page] Janet Reno S Pet Peeves
  117. [page] Justice Department Suit Against Microsoft
  118. [page] Keeping The Peace -- Clinton Style
  119. [page] King David Admits To Adultery, Murder Of Servant
  120. [page] Language Problem
  121. [page] Last Wishes
  122. [page] Leftover 1999 Israeli Election Stickers And Signs
  123. [page] Letter From The Smithsonian
  124. [page] Liberals Vs Conservatives
  125. [page] Libertarians Vs Anarchists
  126. [page] Lincoln-Kennedy Coincidences
  127. [page] Mind
  128. [picture] Missing Piece
  129. [page] Monica S Wish
  130. [page] Mortgage Phone Call
  131. [page] My Favorite Things - The Bill Clinton Version
  132. [page] New Developments With Iraq
  133. [page] New Evidence Shows Clinton Pardoned Hitler, Satan, Self
  134. [page] New Hampshire Voters Suddenly Lonely
  135. [page] New Internet Crisis
  136. [page] New US Emblem
  137. [page] New York State Bumper Sticker
  138. [page] News Of The Future
  139. [page] Nixon And Clinton Compared
  140. [page] Notice Of Revocation Of Independence
  141. [page] Notice Of Revocation Of Independence --
  142. [page] OJ Traffic Jam
  143. [page] Other New York Senate Candidates
  144. [page] Palestinians Kidnap Martha Stewart
  145. [page] Partisan Software
  146. [page] Pens In Impeachment Had Misprint
  147. [page] Political Bumper Stickers
  148. [page] Political Holidays
  149. [page] Political Periodic Table
  150. [page] Politically Correct Alphabet
  151. [page] Politics: It All Boils Down To This
  152. [page] Poof, No More Soft Money
  153. [page] Possible Vice-Presidential Running Mates Er Maybe Not
  154. [page] Potential Y2K Problems
  155. [page] Practice Makes Perfect -- How George W Bush Got Through The Debates
  156. [page] Presidency Test
  157. [page] President Clinton: The Screenplay
  158. [page] President Gore Reminisces
  159. [page] President Push Fetus And Feces
  160. [page] Punt The Pundits
  161. [page] Quiz For Students In Kansas Public Schools
  162. [picture] Reasonable Link
  163. [page] Report: Hostess May Have Marketed Unhealthy Twinkies To Minors
  164. [page] Republican Euphemisms For Impeaching The President
  165. [page] Republican Heritability
  166. [page] Republican Light Bulb Joke
  167. [page] Republican Test
  168. [page] Republicans And Democrats
  169. [page] Resume Of George W Bush
  170. [page] Revelations In Barbara Walters Interview With Monica
  171. [page] Revocation Of Your Independence
  172. [page] Rudy In Reverse
  173. [page] Scandal Of The Language Of Scandal
  174. [picture] Shame And You
  175. [page] Sick Chelsea
  176. [page] Signs Your Presidential Candidate Is Underqualified
  177. [page] Special Afghanistan Cruise
  178. [page] Speeches From The Throne
  179. [picture] Speechwriters
  180. [page] Starr Opens Drive To Get Thomas Jefferson Off Mount Rushmore
  181. [page] Starr Subpoenas 500-Year-Old Inca Mummy
  182. [page] Supply-Sider Light Bulb Joke
  183. [page] Surgeons
  184. [page] The Clinton Chain Letter
  185. [page] The Cup Of Coffee
  186. [page] The Dangers Of Bread
  187. [page] The Differences Between Republicans And Democrats
  188. [page] The First Draft Of George W S Inauguration Speech
  189. [page] The Gingrich That Stole Congress
  190. [page] The Kittens
  191. [page] The Letter D Leaves Sesame Street
  192. [page] The Modern Ten Commandments
  193. [page] The Next Senator From Oklahoma
  194. [page] The REAL Reason For The Ballot Troubles
  195. [page] The Referendum On Arcane And Confusing Election Referenda
  196. [page] The Rules Of Conservative Correctness
  197. [page] The Second Attack On Iraq Explained
  198. [page] The State Of Idaho: The Case For Open Debate
  199. [page] The Top 15 Florida Excuses For Holding Up The Election
  200. [page] The Tragic Comedie Of King Leer
  201. [page] The Washington Hillbillies
  202. [page] The Wonders Of Medical Medicine
  203. [picture] The World According To Americans
  204. [picture] Then I Put Monicas Head Down Like This
  205. [page] Things Bill Clinton Would Say If He Was In Star Wars
  206. [page] Titanic Vs Clinton
  207. [page] Tobacco Settlement FAQ
  208. [page] Top Ten Hillary Clinton Senate Campaign Slogans
  209. [page] Top Ten Reasons Why Newt Gingrich Should Be Reelected Speaker
  210. [page] Top Ten Things Bob Dole Said While Growing Up
  211. [page] Top Ten Ways Hillary Clinton Could Improve Her Image
  212. [page] Top Twelve Rudolph Giuliani Gestures To Please Jewish Voters
  213. [page] Tragedy
  214. [page] Types Of Feminists
  215. [page] US-Iraqi Policy
  216. [page] USA Vs Santa Claus
  217. [page] US Army Official Voice Mail Message
  218. [page] US Congress
  219. [page] US Sues G-d For Monopoly Of The Universe
  220. [page] Veni, Vidi, Vici
  221. [page] Voting Decisions
  222. [page] What About Whiskey?
  223. [page] Which Candidate To Vote For?
  224. [picture] World According To The USA
  225. [page] You Might Be A Democrat If
  226. [page] You Might Be A Conservative If
  227. [page] You Might Be A Democrat If
  228. [page] You Might Be A Liberal If
  229. [picture] Bushi1
  230. [picture] Bushi2