First Aid for Non-Medically Minded People


    Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE
    POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it
    would be going to waste.

    Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack
    of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human
    being). And do try not to be squeamish about it.
    Drive the victim to the nearest casualty ward. You can use him/her to
    jumpstart the engine as well if need be.

    Treating burns and scalds

    Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (N.B. If
    the victim's entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little
    too late for this).

    If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then REMOVE
    CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of you parading
    around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury.
    Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as
    an example.

    Fractures and broken limbs

    Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in
    a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the
    bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are
    going to die. That always puts the wind up them.

    Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for
    a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the
    rest of your job easier.

    Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an
    abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing
    legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc.
    It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can
    produce. Far better than Play-Doh.

    Choking On Food

    Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching
    them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of
    food hit you in the eye, however.

    Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill.
    Make a mental note to order soup next time.

    Cuts And Wounds

    Dress the wound, whatever that means.
    Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the
    victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing.
    Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my
    little joke.

    Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire.
    Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know.

    Objects Stuck In The Eye

    Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT.
    Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This
    usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering
    the victim any more before you can get to it.


    When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the President
    is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more
    difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Then total up the
    victims score and send it to me at this address:
    Concussion Quiz, P.O. Box 1302, Minnetonka, MN 55345,
    the highest score wins a mystery prize.

    Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more. Yes, there's a
    whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion.
    Here's a good one: before the victim comes round, switch off all the
    lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout "Thank God! We thought
    you might be dead, or blinded or something.


    The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism, I shall not be deprived of gratification for my viscerogenic hungers or my need dispositions.

    He motivates me to orient myself toward a non-social object with affective significance.

    He positions me in a non-decisional situation.

    He maximizes my adjustment.

    Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses, I will maintain contact with reality, for my superego is dominant.

    His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me.

    He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts despite my Oedipal problem and psychopathic compulsions.

    He promotes my group identification.

    My personality is totally integrated.

    Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a direct function of time,

    And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and economically secure forever.


    2 Drops Every 4 Hours

    My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back
    in the early days of his practice.

    He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away
    that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the
    directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he
    abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

    Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that
    the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really
    greasy with all those drops of oil.

    The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist
    had typed the following instructions on the label:

    "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."


    A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I
    have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you
    think about that?"
    The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have
    an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day
    when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up
    his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a
    rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went,
    'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
    The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
    The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

    A man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked
    the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample.

    The man was slightly deaf and said, ''What?''

    Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and feces sample."

    The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into
    his ear:

    ''Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!''

    1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
    2. Be cheerful at all times. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
    3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
    4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
    5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
    6. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians, health care managers and other humanitarians.
    7. Do not suffer from ailments not covered by your health care plan. It is a waste of resources to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
    8. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
    9. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

    • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side forover a year.
    • On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
    • She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
    • The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
    • The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
    • Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
    • Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
    • The patient refused an autopsy.
    • The patient has no past history of suicides.
    • Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
    • Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
    • Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
    • Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
    • Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
    • She is numb from her toes down.
    • While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
    • The skin was moist and dry.
    • Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
    • Patient was alert and unresponsive.
    • Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
    • She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
    • I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
    • Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
    • Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
    • The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
    • The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
    • Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
    • The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
    • Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
    • Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
    • Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

    Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis.

    They spotted this old fellow leaving a bar sort of "duck waddling" down the street at a slow pace. The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didn't agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem.

    One says, "my friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia." Which of us is correct?

    The old man replies, "Well fellas, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!"


    A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.

    When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

    Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

    "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

    "What's so funny about that?"

    "I'm a gynecologist."


    ......."Doctor, I have an ear ache."

    • 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
    • 1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
    • 1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
    • 1920 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
    • 1975 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
    • 2006 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
    A Short History of Medicine

    I have an earache...

    2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

    1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

    1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

    1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

    1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

    2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.


    A doctor is walking down the street and sees a store sign that says
    BRAINS FOR SALE. So he walks in.

    He says, "How much is a doctor's brain?"

    The man says, "$100 bucks."

    The doctor says, "How much is a nurse's brain?"

    The man says, "$500 bucks."

    The doctor says, "How much is a lawyer's brain?"

    The man says, "$1000 bucks."

    The doctor asks, "Why is the lawyer's brain so much?"

    The man says, "Because it's never been used!"

    A lady walks into her doctors office screaming.

    She yells, "Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?"

    The doctor asks, "Well, how long does the hair grow?"

    The lady replies, "From here to my penis, but that's a different

    Advice for Pre-Meds

    Here is a little something for first year students or those wishing to enter.
    It was originally published under another name. Hope this helps.

    Dont ask me but somehow I received your message about Medical School. I am
    just starting my 3rd year clerkships as a medical student at LSU in New
    Orleans, LA. There are a few things I would like to tell you before you start
    medical school....and, of course, these are only my opinions and may not
    represent the opinions of anyone else in this entire take it with
    a grain of salt.

    01 - Everyone, including my doctor, told me to get the hell out of medicine
    before I got in.
    02 - I busted my ass in high school, college, get to med school.
    03 - Once in medical school, what you did to get you there no longer matters.
    04 - Be prepared to study....then study somemore, and then a little more...
    and then be prepared to not do well on the test.
    05 - Be prepared to accept the reality that you may be an idiot (this came
    as a shock to me).
    06 - Be thankful that everyone else in your class is also an idiot and no
    one expects you to know everything all at once, and for every test.
    07 - Realize that getting ahead in med school means making lots of
    friends ... those who step on toes to get to the top are quickly
    shunned by the rest of the class. This is very bad since people
    tend to get a hold of old tests, helpful hints, book
    recommendations, etc..that will be of great benefit to you. If you
    are the smartest person in the class...dont try to show off and be
    cocky. There will be plenty of opportunities for people to
    undermine you if they decide they dont like your attitude. In
    short, have fun, be nice....make sure you are likable to a large
    number of people.
    08 - No one can go through medical school 8 times, so dont be such a "pal"
    that you end up doing extra work (typing a review sheet, for
    example) for your friends while they are out having a good time.
    09 - For me, the first year was NOT the hardest. This is b/c I was used
    to busting my ass to get into medical school that I never slowed
    down. For some, it is the "wake up call" if you never studied in
    10 - The second year IS the hardest, its survival of the fittest. They
    want you to know everything about everything, and some more in
    between. People quit after every exam.
    11 - Once thru your second year, the rest is cheesecake. You dress like
    a doctor, work like a doctor, and hopefully start acting like a
    12 - Once thru your second year, you realize the first 2 were bullshit and
    you know nothing and can't remember the rest.
    13 - Its relatively easy to PASS medical school, it requires more
    dedication than genius to get a High Pass, and a mixture of both to
    14 - Remember that P=MD (meaning that if you PASS you will become a
    doctor). Also, remember that P is not equal to ENT, SURGERY,
    OBGYN, DERMATOLOGY, basically, everyone who graduates is a
    doctor, but not everyone who graduates is the doctor they may want
    to be.
    15 - In the middle of the second year, they could not pay you enough to
    be a doctor.
    16 - In the middle of the second year, you cant afford to quit b/c you now
    have a huge loan to pay back.
    17 - The best years of your life are while you are in medical school.
    18 - The worst years of your life are while you are in medical school.
    19 - Dating in medical school is close to impossible. If you can find
    someone who understands your language, your schedule, your attitude,
    your financial situation...marry them first, ask questions later.
    20 - Sleeping/eating right become luxuries in medical school.
    21 - Noone will ever understand your schedule or what the hell you are
    doing (eg why you have to study 2 weeks before a test).
    22 - You will have to study 2 weeks for a test.
    23 - You will have to learn to budget your time wisely if you want to ever
    have a life. Same goes for your money.
    24 - Some people go out every night and do exceptionally well in medical
    school...if this is you...great. If this is not you...Sorry.
    25 - Some people bust their ass every day and fail medical school...hope this
    is not you.
    26 - The person who finds the best balance between study, social, family,
    friends, entertainment will make the best of medical school.
    27 - The ass who always aces every test and never studies is everyone in
    medical school BUT you.
    28 - The fact that you can dissect a rat in college has no bearing on your
    performance in medical school.
    29 - The fact that your favorite class in college is Biology is unique
    b/c the smartest people in medical school today are NOT biology
    majors and, in fact, have never taken such a class.
    30 - The fact that you have taken such classes will help in the first year,
    and give you more time for other things while your classmates are
    "learning how to use the microscope".
    31 - If a histology class is offered at your school, take it..take it
    again...teach it...learn to love it. You can essentially SKIP your
    medical school histology class if you know it well enough.
    32 - You may have thought that all the BULLSHIT classes you took in high
    school/college would come to an end when you got to medical
    school ... sorry...they are still there.
    33 - You wont believe the amount of information they want you to know.
    34 - You wont believe the amount of information you can forget.
    35 - Old tests can save your ass...they can also sink you if you just
    memorize answers.
    36 - You will have to rearrange your life, study habits, friendships
    around being a student. No one will understand that you need to
    study so much, for so long. I study at least 10 hours a day, every
    day. I usually take a day off. Some people dont..thats just me.
    I also am not at the top of my class. You have to find your
    balance/grade tradeoff/relationship breaker time periods for
    37 - Drugs are bad, dont do drugs. If you need help staying awake, you are
    too tired to study..go to sleep.
    38 - Your friends, collegues, will do drugs and make A's. Hopefully, life
    will weed them out. Until then, be cool and realize that maybe
    making C's is your maximum performance level.
    39 - Dont neglect friends/family/pets - they are good for fun/meals/etc.
    They can also be a drag (Come out with us, you can study tomorrow).
    You need to have a long talk with these people if you do get into
    medical school.
    40 - To the rest of the world, you are not a doctor until you graduate the
    4th year. To your family, you are a doctor two weeks before you
    start your first year. If ever asked any medical questions, follow
    your answer with a disclaimer (....but I would go to your doctor if
    you are worried about it because I don't really know). Be careful
    what you say, because people are listening.
    41 - Never listen to a previous medical students advice on medical school.
    They have been run though the meat grinder and couldnt think of
    putting anyone else thru such torture. They tend to leave out the
    good stuff like parties, good friends, fun memories, their first
    patient contact, someone calling you DOC, getting to wear a white
    coat, and knowing what the hell is going on during ER.

    In summary, if you are not sure you want to be a very sure you want
    to be a doctor before you come to medical school. That bullshit about "helping
    people" will get you nowhere your first 2 years. We are all in medical school
    because we want to "help people" but this alone will not get you an MD. You need
    to be dedicated to yourself, your studies, your talents, and your life as a whole
    just to get thru the first 2 years. Any outside pressures you have will burst
    while you are in school so be prepared to handle that before you get here. We
    are not special in any way, we are not geniuses, but, we are willing to work
    hard...and that, my friend, is what will make you successful in medical school.

    Good Luck.


    Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

    The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, but occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven."

    St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

    The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patient is too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard."

    St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

    The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."

    St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven

    ... for five days!"


    A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her
    obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, ''My husband
    wants me to ask you...,'' to which the doctor replies, ''I know, I
    know,'' placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. ''I get asked that
    all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.''

    ''No, that's not it,'' the woman confessed. ''He wants to know if I
    can still mow the lawn.''

    The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well-behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this.

    When the Recreational Director said: "If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?" The General Director agreed.

    The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director shouted:

    "Stand up, nuts!" Everyone stood up.

    "Sit down, nuts!" Everyone sat down.

    "Look behind you, nuts!" Everyone turned around.

    Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in.

    About the third inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that someone had called out: "Peanuts!"


    Bandersnatch Guide on How to Live Forever
    by Hugh Holub

    from Frumious Bandersnatch

    Americans are obsessed with their health. If you eat right, quit
    smoking, exercise a lot, you won't have heart attacks, get cancer, and
    live well into your 90's. It is, one should think, theoretically
    possible to live forever... if you live right.

    The problem is that all this attention to diet and exercise doesn't
    eliminate all the risks of mortality.

    The medical staff at the General Delivery University has compiled a list
    of things to do or not do that will significantly increase your life

    AVOID LIGHTNING: A person has a better chance of being killed by
    lightning, than many other risks. Stay inside, or in your car, when
    lightning is near.

    DON'T PLAY GOLF DURING THUNDERSTORMS: Many lightning victims are killed
    on golf courses. It is safer to stay in the country club bar and drink
    than to go out on the course during a thunderstorm.

    DON'T GET STUCK WAITING FOR A TRAIN TO PASS: Trains carry all kinds of
    nasty toxic chemicals. Should a train derail and you are too close, you
    could be toast. Avoid getting near trains.

    AVOID PEANUT BUTTER: It is a little known fact that eating one peanut
    butter sandwich carries more risk of fatal consequences than drinking
    water with 5 parts per billion TCE in it for 70 years.

    AVOID METEOR SHOWERS: In the same probability range of dying from
    cancer caused by drinking water with TCE in it at federal drinking water
    quality standards as getting hit by a meteorite. Stay inside during
    meteor showers.

    DON'T DRIVE: Over 50,000 Americans are killed annually in automobile
    accidents. If you don't even get into a car, you significantly improve
    your chances of eternal life.

    DON'T FLY: While it is well-known that it is much safer to fly than to
    drive, why take any chances?

    AVOID IMMERSING YOURSELF IN WATER: Hundreds of people drown every
    year. Don't go into the water. Not even to bathe.

    DRINK THE WATER: Oddly enough, one of the safer things you can do in
    America is drink tap water.

    STAY INSIDE DURING THE DAY: Skin cancer is becoming a major health
    risk. Caused by exposure to sunlight, the best solution is to stay
    inside during daylight hours.

    CHECK YOUR HOUSE FOR RADON: Obviously, staying inside your home as much
    as possible is a safe bet -- as long as your home isn't filled with
    radon gas.

    NO CONTACT WITH ELECTRICITY: Many people are electrocuted in stupid
    accidents while trying to do routine things like fix a broken light
    switch. Turn off your electricity permanently, and there won't be any

    GET RID OF YOUR GUNS: More Americans are shot by their own guns than by
    guns owned by strangers. A gunless home is a safer home.

    accidentally asphyxiate themselves every year by forgetting to turn of
    gas appliances, or because of improperly vented heating systems. You'll
    have to cook over a fire, and it'll be cold in the winter, but heck --
    people survived for millions of years without stoves or central
    heating. It is best to build your cooking fires outside, otherwise you
    could get lung cancer from the woodsmoke.

    EMPTY OUT YOUR HOME: Many fatalities are caused by home accidents --
    such as falling off a ladder or tripping over a rug. Get rid of all
    your furniture, rugs and appliances. An empty house is a safe house.

    EAT ONLY NATURAL FOODS: Grow your own vegetables, and hunt for your own
    meat. Many backyards have abundant quantities of small animals and
    birds to hunt.

    DRESS IN NATURAL FIBERS AND FUR: While it may not be politically
    correct to kill animals for their fur, there is an underutilized supply
    of dog and cat pelts available from your local animal shelter.
    Functional garments can also be created from straw and cardboard.

    MINIMIZE CONTACT WITH STRANGERS: It is a well-known fact that many
    fatal diseases are passed from one stranger to another in public places.

    INCREASE YOUR PHYSICAL ACTIVITY: If you follow the previous
    suggestions, you will undoubtedly work a lot harder, cutting your own
    fire wood, hunting rodents and sparrows with rocks, and hiding from

    CONCLUSION: While your lifestyle may end up resembling that of a cave
    person, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you've done
    everything possible to live forever, and, as a bonus, you will no longer
    be contributing to global warming, and you will be living in harmony
    with the natural environment.


    Living in Cages Linked to Cancer in Laboratory Rats
    by Brett K. Carver

    AP -- The federal government today released the findings of a four year
    study that linked living in cages to increased potential of developing
    cancer in laboratory rats.

    The study, which cost an estimated $17 Million, was started in 1983 when
    all the rats in a laboratory test control group contracted cancer.

    Spokesperson John Smith explained: "We were running a test on the
    possible link between excess popcorn intake and increased incidence of
    colon cancer. The test group consisted of twenty rats who were force
    fed three quarts (roughly one and a half times their body weight) of
    popcorn daily, a perfectly reasonable amount. The control group
    consisted of twenty rats who lived in cages carefully shielded from all
    known carcinogens. To our surprise, all twenty control rats developed
    cancer within six months."

    Mr. Smith went on to say: "We had always had some trouble with control
    rats contracting cancer. But as long as more of the rats in the test
    group than the control group got cancer, we were able to feel pretty
    good about condemning whatever we were testing at the time."

    Mr. Smith was then questioned about the possibility of test results
    being invalid if any of the control rats developed cancer. He
    responded: "Yeah, we had a scientist at the lab ask that once. We had
    to let him go though when we found out he was a member of the Audubon
    Society; you know, conflict of interest. He was a real trouble maker,
    always asking questions like: 'Wouldn't eating that much popcorn give
    anyone cancer?' We just didn't need that kind of a negative influence.
    The last thing you want in a research lab is someone asking a lot of
    fool questions."

    When asked if these results would change any previous findings Mr.
    Smith replied: "Why yes. This could blow our whole gig. I mean, if
    it's been the cages all along, this could mean that things like
    asbestos, smoking, even radiation are perfectly harmless!"

    Mr. Smith continued: "This could change everything! We may be forced to
    recall all our previous findings at a cost of millions of dollars. This
    says nothing of the possible lawsuits from individuals who contracted
    cancer while spending time in prison, or zoo workers forced to spend
    extended periods inside the animal's cages."

    When asked why the study cost seventeen million dollars, Mr. Smith
    responded: "Oh, you know how it goes; a little here, a little there.
    Besides, do you have any idea how expensive it is to provide food and
    living conditions for rats that doesn't expose them to any of the things
    we have determined to cause cancer? In fact right now we're in the
    middle of a two year study that may link breathing with lung cancer.
    You think the cost is bad now, just wait till we are forced to prevent
    the control rats from breathing so as not to invalidate the results by
    having more of the control rats get cancer than test rats."

    When asked if John Smith was his real name, the spokesperson replied:
    "Huh, what? You talking to me?"


    There was a man whose elbow hurt so he told his friend he was going
    to the doctor. His friend told him to go to the pharmacy where there
    is a machine that for ten dollars and a urine sample will tell you
    what is wrong with you. So he went to the pharmacy and put the ten
    dollars and his urine sample in. After a minute a paper came out and
    said that he has tennis elbow and he should soak his elbow in warm
    water for the next two weeks. That night, he decided the machine must
    be a fraud.

    So, the next day he made a mixture of tap water, his daughter's urine,
    his dog's urine -- and he added some of his own semen to it. He
    brought it to the pharmacy and put ten dollars and the stuff in. After
    a minute the paper came out and said, ''The tap water has lead, the
    dog has worms, your daughter is on drugs and she's not your

    Cost of Health Care

    A man goes to consult a famous specialist about his medical problem.

    "How much do I owe you?"

    "My fee is fifty ruples," replies the physician.

    "Fifty ruples? That's impossible."

    "In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to
    thirty ruples."

    "Thirty ruples for one visit? Ridiculous."

    "Well, then, could you afford twenty ruples?"

    "Who has so much money?"

    "Look," replies the doctor, growing irritated, "Just give me five ruples
    and be gone."

    "I can give you two ruples." says the man. "Take it or leave it."

    "I don't understand you," says the doctor."Why did you come to the most
    expensive doctor in Warsaw?"

    "Listen, Doctor," says the patient. "When it comes to my health, nothing
    is too expensive."


    Cost Saving Memo


    To: All Hospital Employees

    From: Administration

    Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security.
    Each Charge Nurse will be issued with a .38 caliber revolver and 12
    rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the
    pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will
    patrol the hospital grounds 3 times each shift. In light of the
    similarity of monitoring equipment, the Critical Care Units will now
    assume security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be
    responsible for watching cardiac and security monitors, as well as
    continuing previous secretarial duties.

    Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need
    to let their families know to bring them something, or make arrangements
    with Subway, Dominos, Wendy's, or another outside food preparation
    facility, prior to mealtime. Coin-operated telephones will be available
    in the patient rooms for this purpose, as well as for calls the patient
    may wish to make.

    Housekeeping and Physical Therapy are being combined. Mops will be
    issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of
    motion exercise, as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory
    patients may also register to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients
    for discounts on their bill. Time cards will be provided to those

    Nursing Administration is assuming the grounds keeping duties. If a
    Nursing Supervisor cannot be reached by phone or beeper, it is
    suggested to listen for the sound of the lawn mower, weed eater,
    or leaf blower.

    Engineering will also be eliminated. The Hospital has subscribed to the
    Time-Life series of "How to..." maintenance books. These books may be
    checked out from Administration. Also, a toolbox of standard equipment
    will be issued to all Nursing Units. We will be receiving the volumes at
    a rate of one per month, and have received the volume on basic wiring.
    If a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to repair it as best as
    possible until that particular volume arrives.

    Cutbacks in Phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing
    blood-related laboratory studies on patients already bleeding.

    Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two (2)
    X-rays per patient per stay. This is due to the turn-around time
    required by the local Photmat. Two prints will be provided for the price
    of one and physicians are encouraged to clip coupons from the Sunday
    paper if more prints are desired. Photomat will also honor competitors
    coupons for one-hour processing in an emergency. If employees come
    across any coupons, they are encouraged to clip them and send them to
    the Emergency Room.

    In light of the extremely hot summer temperatures, the local Electric
    Company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room
    so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately
    billed. Fans may be rented or purchased in the Gift Shop.

    In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection
    of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families,
    patients and the few remaining staff are encouraged to contribute
    discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the
    pharmacy for nosocomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics
    will be available for purchase though the hospital pharmacy, and will,
    coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed in the hospital's

    Although these cutbacks and changes may appear drastic on the surface,
    the Administration feels that over time we will all benefit from this
    latest cost cutting measures.


    TO: Medical Personnel
    FROM: Human Resources

    It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

    Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

    Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

    Trauma patients are not FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper".

    Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."

    HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

    Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

    Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

    The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge".

    And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), or CTD (circling the drain).

    I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper, narratives and log entries.

    Director of Human Resources


    Death -- A Continuing Scandal

    GENEVA, SWITZERLAND -- World Health Organization officials expressed
    disappointment Monday at the group's finding that, despite the enormous
    efforts of doctors, rescue workers and other medical professionals
    worldwide, the global death rate remains constant at 100 percent.
    Death, a metabolic affliction causing total shutdown of all life
    functions, has long been considered humanity's number one health
    concern. Responsible for 100 percent of all recorded fatalities
    worldwide, the condition has no cure.

    "I was really hoping, what with all those new radiology treatments,
    rescue helicopters, aerobics TV shows and what have you, that we might
    at least make a dent in it this year," WHO Director General Dr. Gernst
    Bladt said. "Unfortunately, it would appear that the death rate remains
    constant and total, as it has inviolably since the dawn of time."

    Many are suggesting that the high mortality rate represents a massive
    failure on the part of the planet's health care workers. "The inability
    of doctors and scientists to adequately address this issue of death is
    nothing less than a scandal," concerned parent Marcia Gretto said. "Do
    you have any idea what a full-blown case of death looks like? Well, I
    do, and believe me, it's not pretty. In prolonged cases, total
    decomposition of the corpse is the result." "What about the children?"
    the visibly moved Gretto added.

    "At this early date, I don't want to start making broad
    generalizations," Citizens for Safety's Robert Hemmlin said, "but it is
    beginning to seem possible that birth -- as well as the subsequent life
    cycle that follows it -- may be a serious safety risk for all those
    involved." Death, experts say, affects not only the dead, but the
    non-dead as well. "Those who suffer from death can be highly
    traumatized by it, often so severely that it kills them," noted
    therapist Eli Wasserbaum said. "But it can also be very traumatic for
    the still-living who are left behind. The sudden cessation of metabolic
    activity characteristic of terminal cases of death often leaves the dead
    person in a position where they are unable to adequately provide for the
    emotional needs of their loved ones." In the most serious cases of
    death, Wasserbaum explained, the trauma inflicted upon these
    still-living victims of death may continue throughout their entire
    lives, until their own deaths. "Thus," Wasserbaum said, "the vicious
    cycle" of death trauma continues indefinitely."

    "Everybody talks about death," Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM) said, "but
    nobody seems to actually seems to doing anything about it. I propose we
    stop molly-coddling death, not to mention the multi-billion-dollar
    hospital, mortuary, funeral and burial industries that reap huge profits
    from it." Under Domenici's new bill, all federal funds will be withheld
    from the medical industry until it "gets serious and starts cracking
    down on death."

    Consumer rights advocate and staunch anti-death activist Ralph Nader
    agreed with Domenici. "Why should we continue to spend billions of
    dollars a year on a health care industry whose sole purpose is to
    prevent death, only to find, once again, that death awaits us all?"
    Nader said in an impassioned address to several suburban Californians.
    "That's called a zero percent return on our investment, and that's not
    fair. Its time the paying customer stood up to the HMOs and to the
    so-called 'medical health professionals' and said: 'Enough is enough.
    I'm paying through the nose here, and I don't want to die.'"


    A Visit to the Dentist

    Recent surveys reveal that Americans fear opening their mouths in the
    dentist's office even more than they fear Dan Quayle opening his. Apparently
    we have this peculiar aversion to having needles and drills chip through our
    teeth and into our oral nerves--boy, what a bunch of weak citizens we've
    become, probably due to the effects of El Nino.

    My own dentist, kindly Dr. Hannibal Lecter, lets me know that I'm due for an
    appointment by sending me a postcard with puppies on it. This strikes me as
    something akin to false advertising--if he wants to let me know what's
    coming, why doesn't he send the shower scene from Psycho? Puppies are cute-
    -in my whole life, I've never heard anyone describe getting a root canal as
    a "cute" experience.

    Now, don't get the idea from this that I don't practice dental hygiene. I
    floss on a regular basis--just not in my mouth. And I brush daily with my
    son's Godzilla toothpaste ("Now with more sugar!" it says on the tube.) I
    just hate discussing baseball with a sadist while a conduit hooked into my
    mouth sucks every drop of liquid from my body. So usually I procrastinate
    for a few months until the miniature time bomb he implanted in my jaw on my
    last visit explodes in a blast of oral agony. Because it is an emergency,
    I am put right through to a recording, and within a couple of weeks I'm in
    his office.

    "Mr. Cameron," kindly Dr. Lecter advises me on this visit, frowning with
    concern. "I've discovered the source of your pain."

    "Like, my mouth?" I suggest. Maybe I should be a dentist. Do you have to
    take a test or something?

    "Your wisdom teeth," he says. He shows me an x-ray of my mouth, pointing
    out the grassy knoll and the book depository. Toward the back of my jaw a
    couple of teeth look like they have gotten drunk and fallen over.

    "Is this bad news?" I ask.

    He sighs. "Well, it means I'll be able to afford that new bass boat I've
    been looking at. For you, it means the teeth will have to come out."

    Okay: not so bad. I've lost teeth before, and even had something of a
    cottage industry for a while selling them to the tooth fairy, who turns out
    to be my father, of all people. Here you go most of your childhood thinking
    your dad is a gynecologist and then you see him sneaking into your sister's
    room to take her molar and leave a quarter. I remember when my friend Tommy
    lost two of his teeth when he put his mouth right where I was throwing a
    baseball--what an idiot. Anyway, I lay in bed that night giggling over the
    idea of my father sneaking in to put money under Tommy's pillow. The next
    morning, when I innocently asked my dad how Tommy was doing, he pretended
    not to understand what I was talking about.

    According to kindly Dr. Lecter, even though we humans have no extra fingers
    or extra heads or anything, our jaws are riddled with superfluous teeth
    which have nowhere to go. Apparently when God created oral surgeons he
    wanted to make sure they would be able to afford luxury cars. "Look,
    they're impacted," he tells me in a stern tone, like my wisdom teeth are a
    couple of pet dogs that got into the neighbor's trash or something.
    "Impacted" means that instead of popping up straight, my wisdom teeth are
    trying to escape by tunneling out the side of my jaw. Another decade or so
    and I will be able to chew gum with my ears.

    "We'll have to make an incision here," Lecter intones, drawing his finger
    across the x-ray image of my wisdom teeth. They look like toppled
    headstones. "Then I'll apply extreme torture to the entire area."

    "Why do they call them wisdom teeth if all they are good for is oral surgery
    ?" I complain bitterly. "They should call them stupid teeth."

    "We'll do the surgery on a Friday, so that when you run out of pain pills on
    Sunday I will be unavailable. I'll give you a special anesthetic so that
    you'll be nauseated during the operation," Lecter continues, running through
    the standard instructions for a patient. "Don't eat anything for 24 hours
    before you come in--I want you to get started on being miserable."

    "Hey, you must think I'm pretty stupid," I rinse and spit angrily. "For the
    past 10 years you've been aiming this cone shaped device right at my mouth
    in EXACTLY the spot where you say my teeth have become impacted. Do you
    think maybe there is a connection?"

    "Yes, I think you're pretty stupid," he concedes.

    We agree that he needs time to pick out the particular boat that he wants,
    so we schedule the surgery for next month. As I leave I catch sight of
    myself in the mirror and wonder what I would look like with teeth jutting
    out of the side of my face. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

    This newsletter may be distributed freely on the internet but PLEASE include
    the following subscription and copyright information:

    The Cameron Column, A Free Internet Newsletter
    Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 1998
    To subscribe, send a message to with the words "subscribe
    cameron" in lower case as the first line in your message.



    Here's a little list of "Doc-isms" -- What doctors say, and what they're
    really thinking:

    "This should be taken care of right away."
    I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
    profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

    "Welllllll, what have we here...?"
    He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

    "Let me check your medical history."
    I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more
    time with you.

    "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
    I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
    I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

    "We have some good news and some bad news."
    The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is,
    you're going to pay for it.

    "Let's see how it develops."
    Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

    "Let me schedule you for some tests."
    I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

    "I'd like to have my associate look at you."
    He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

    "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
    I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

    "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
    I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

    "That's quite a nasty looking wound."
    I think I'm going to throw up.

    "This may smart a little."
    Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

    "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
    I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

    "This should fix you up."
    The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

    "Everything seems to be normal."
    Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

    "I'd like to run some more tests."
    I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can
    solve this one.

    "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
    You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink
    who'll split fees with me ...

    "There is a lot of that going around."
    My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something
    about this.

    "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
    I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next


    Doctors Out Hunting

    Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group
    were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a
    pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first
    to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.

    "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to
    get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was
    long gone.

    Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the
    pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure
    if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have
    babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered,
    as the creature made good its escape.

    Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist.
    Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended
    prey's identity.

    "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The
    fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this

    Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's
    weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his
    smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist
    beside him.

    "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"


    A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were

    The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that
    we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him
    looking for work in six weeks."

    Then the German doctor bragged, "That''s nothing, we can take a lung
    out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in
    four weeks."

    The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way
    behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White
    House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking
    for work."

    • Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
      Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
      But I'm not allowed up on the couch!
    • Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
      Doctor: Do you drink a lot?
      Not really - I spill most of it!
    • Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
      Doctor: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.
    • Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!
      Doctor: When did this start?
      Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the...
    • Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!
      Doctor: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?
    • Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
      Doc: I never make rash promises!
    • Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog!
      Doctor: So what's wrong with that?
      I think I'm going to croak!
    • Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bridge!
      Doctor: What's come over you?
      2 buses, 3 motorbikes and a train.
    • Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards!
      Doctor: I'll deal with you later.
    • Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle!
      Doctor: I see your point.
    • Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains!
      Doctor: Pull yourself togerther man!
    • Doctor, Doctor I have 59 seconds to live!
      Doctor: Wait a minute will ya!

    An old man and a old lady went in the doctor's office to get their
    yearly exam. The doctor came in and started to get some information
    from them. He then told the old man that he needed to have a stool
    sample and a urine sample. The old man turned to the old lady and
    asked her what the doctor said.

    "He needs a pair of your underwear."

    Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
    forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was
    But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to
    reassure him, ''Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first
    doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last.
    And, you're single. So just let it go.''
    But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality.
    ''Howard, you're a veterinarian...''

    A woman and her husband go to the doctor because the woman is
    complaining of shortness of breath. After fifteen minutes, the woman
    comes out into the waiting room.

    "Apparently, my problem is that I have a nice cooter."

    "Excuse me?" says the husband.

    "That's what the doctor said. My problem is that I have a nice
    cooter." The husband is a bit angry and goes in to talk to the doctor.

    "What's this about my wife having a nice cooter? I need a damn good

    "That's not what I said," says the doctor. "I said she has acute

    One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband gently taps
    his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

    The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey, I've got a
    gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

    The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes
    later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

    This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment
    tomorrow, too?"

    A man goes to a doctor for his annual prostate exam. A week later he
    comes back to the same doctor and asks him to do the exam again.

    The doctor says, "Okay, it never hurts to be careful. I might have
    missed something."

    So the doctor does the exam all over again.

    The next week the same man goes to the same doctor and asks the doc
    for another exam.

    The doc says, "Again? This really is not necessary - but, it's your

    He performs the exam again, and this time something pricks his finger.
    The doctor pulls out a dozen long-stem roses.

    The doc says to the man, "Here's the problem, you have a dozen
    long-stem roses in your rectum."

    The man then excitedly replies, "Read the card! Read the card."

    Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Twelve: One to do it. one to chart it. ten to write the policy and

    Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Twenty: one primary care physican to change it and 19 specialists
    to take it apart and look at it under a microscope.

    A woman walks into her doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I need to
    lose weight fast." And the doctor says, "Instead of putting food in
    your mouth, try putting it up your butt."

    Two months later she comes in and says, "Doctor, it's a dream come
    true. I'm half the size I was." But the doctor notices that she is
    bouncing up and down up and down... and he asks, "But where did you
    get this twitch?" The woman replies, "I don't have a nervous twitch,
    I'm chewing bubble gum."

    A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

    None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

    After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

    "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

    After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

    She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

    "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

    Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

    After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a daffodil, anyway."


    Two doctors opened an office in a small town.

    They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and

    The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors
    changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."

    This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
    council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

    No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.

    Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."

    But is was still not good! So they tried:

    "Minds and Behinds"

    "Analysis and Anal Cysts"

    "Nuts and Butts"

    "Freaks and Cheeks"

    "Loons and Moons"

    "Lost Souls and Ass Holes"

    None worked.

    Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title
    they thought might be accepted by the council:

    "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."


    Emergency Medical Services
    (stupid) Frequently Asked Questions with answers!

    Q. Do you need to go to school for this or can anyone do it?
    A. You have to go to school, it is long and hard and most of the people
    involved like to abuse the hell out of you while you are doing it.

    Q. Hey, Ambulance dudes, how do I get to the Dead concert at the Oakland
    Coliseum? (or any other request for directions)
    A.Hmm, well,uhhh. I'm sorry I don't think you can get there from here.

    Q. I'm seeing things, will you take me to the hospital?
    A. Sure, if you are seeing rats and bugs we will take you to County
    Hospital, if you are seeing music and hearing colors we will take
    you to the Berkeley border and drop you off, you'll fit right in.

    Q. Do you like you like your job?
    A. Yes, in spite of everything I do like my job.

    Q. Do you make a lot of money?
    A. Not enough by a long shot. At least not after my State, Local, and
    Federal Government gets through with my check.

    Q. How come the Police come to the call with you?
    A. Investigation, crowd control, and to keep me from getting my ass kicked
    by an irate bystander/family member/patient.

    Q. How come all the Firefighters come to the call too? What do they do?
    A. Beats the hell out of me, it's not like the patient is on fire or

    Q. Have you ever seen a dead body?
    A. Yes, in all the various states of decomposition and putrefaction. I've
    even seen maggots in ones that weren't dead yet.

    Q. Do you have anyone (like maybe a patient) in the in the back of your
    ambulance right now ?(asked while we are sitting in the unit eating
    lunch in the parking lot of Doug's Bar B Q)
    A. No patients. Only the Paramedic Student; don't bug him, he's a stress
    case and might crack.

    Q. What antacid is best for a stomach ache (asked in the parking lot of
    7-11 at 03:30 a.m.)?
    A. Pink, white or green pay your money and take your chances.

    Q. Do you have any spare change?
    A. Take a hike, I don't believe there is such a thing as spare change.

    Q. Can I have bus fare to get to the hospital?
    A. Yes, if it means you won't take an emergency rescue vehicle out of service
    so you can get to a routine appointment for your toothache and if you
    promise to quit bugging me.

    Q. How long have you been doing this (asked by a recently hired rookie
    A. Let me figure it out. Since you were in second grade, partner.

    Q. How come you are smoking that pipe , don't you know that is bad for you?
    A. How can pipe tobacco be bad for you? If it was bad for you they couldn't
    sell it at Walgreens Drug Store. Right?

    Q. Can me and my four kids ride in the back with my boyfriend to the hospital?
    A. No.

    Q. Can I ride up front on the way to hospital?
    A. Maybe, if I like you and think you wont bug my partner in the back.

    Q. How comeis painted on your front grill?
    A.There is a device on motor vehicles that is known as a rear-view mirror, some
    people have even been known to use it to see what is behind them when
    they are driving.

    Q. How fast will your ambulance go?
    A. I don't pay that close of attention, faster than my employer would be
    comfortable with, most likely.

    Q. Is he going to make it?!! Is he going to make it?!! (asked in reference to a
    patient who puked after too many 40 ounce bottles of Old English 800 Malt
    A. Yes, I am sure that in spite of our best efforts , he will survive.

    Q. Can I have a band-aid?
    A. This is an ambulance, our band-aids are 8 inches x 6 inches. How many do
    you need?

    Q. What happened? (at an minor fender-bender auto accident).
    A. Plane crash!

    Q. What happened? (outide of a house where a person was having shortness of breath).
    A. Plane crash!

    Q. What happened? (at a plane crash)
    A. Shark attack!

    Q. What does EMT stand for?
    A. Every Menial Task,
    Eggcrate Mattress Technician

    Q. What does the EMS on the side of your rig stand for?
    A. Earn Money Sleeping, now please let me get back to earning some money,

    Q. Does this tie go with the rest of my suit? (asked by a guy on his way to
    A. Sure, a red, purple , pink, and black tie always goes with a gray
    pinstripe suit.

    Q. Do you have an extra one of them urinal bottles. I have to piss real bad.
    A. No. We don't carry those any more but thank you for sharing.

    Q. What is the worst thing you have ever seen?
    A. A 12 gauge shotgun blast to the left side of a woman's face that didn't kill
    her, so she was writhing on the floor and trying to scream through the
    blood running out of her mouth with a good part of her face missing.
    Either that or it was the 6 month old baby who died because his drugged
    out parents left him on the floor heater grate until he was so cooked
    that the flesh of his fingers split away from the bones. Now aren't you
    sorry you asked?

    Q. Are you always this much of a smartass?
    A. No, I am usually much worse, but the medication is helping.

    Q. Why did you bring the patient here?
    A. I guess the sign out front that says "Emergency Department; Physician on
    duty" fooled me into thinking that this was a hospital that treated

    Q. Do you think the patient can be triaged to the lobby?
    A. Since they demanded transport for a refill on their prescription I am sure that
    the lobby is more than an appropriate place for them to go. Unless you
    can triage them to the parking lot or the nearest bus stop.

    Q. How come the patient didn't just call a cab or take the bus?
    A. Because the taxi services and the bus lines are smart enough not to take
    Medi-cal instead of cash payment.

    Q. What are the patients bowel sounds? (On a critical 'auto vs. tree' patient).
    A. Since we were on the side of the freeway and now are enroute to the
    hospital the bowel sounds pretty much resemble a diesel engine.

    Q. Did you look for ID?
    A. Sorry, no. I might find guns, knives razors and crack pipes during the
    physical exam but I am not going to reach into his pockets looking for ID
    and find a needle.

    Q. What's the patient's name? What's the patient's name?!! (on a cardiac arrest
    A. I don't know, I asked him four times after he coded and he wouldn't answer
    me once!

    Q. What are the vitals? (Different Nurse, same code).
    A. If we're doing CPR right he should have a pulse rate of 80-100/min,
    24 respirations/min, and a blood pressure of maybe 40 systolic.

    Q. Can the patient sign the insurance and permission forms?
    A. Only if they use your pen.

    Q. (On the radio) Are you sure she's in ventricular tachycardia? The complexes
    are rapid and wide not narrow, right?
    A. Uh, yeah I'm sure it's V-tach, we covered this rhythm in some detail in
    Paramedic school. Is this a pop quiz?

    Q. Can we clear? We don't do this medical stuff. (Fire Captain).
    A. Yes, you can clear. I am sure there is a La Z Boy recliner and a quart of ice
    cream waiting for you somewhere.

    Q. Is he dead? (Different Fire Captian, same department).
    A. What tipped you off? The dependant lividity, the rigor mortis, or maybe the
    ants crawling in and out of his nose?

    Q. Why can't you hold over for a few hours this morning? (Managment).
    A. Why not? I've only been awake for 26 hours straight and been puked on twice,
    I think it is safe to say I would rather floss my teeth with barbed wire.

    Q. Can you guys hear the siren when it's on while you are in the cab of your
    A. What?! You will have to speak up I can't hear you from all the years of
    listening to the siren inside this ambulance.


    ER Tales

    Just a few stories from our nations Emergency Rooms to prove that fact is
    stranger than fiction.


    Emergency Department Ping Pong

    By....who else?

    OK, Sports's Saturday night, 3 am and time for inter-service
    hospital ping pong. Staff Internal Medicine has won the tossup and has
    elected to receive. The other services are in position and here comes the
    first patient!!

    Chief Complaint: "feel bad"

    History: Mr. Amos Leeks, 59 Y/0, 385 pound alcoholic, diabetic,
    hypertensive male with history of three old myocardial infarcts, angina,
    congestive heart failure, COPD, chronic renal insufficiency, gout,
    hypothyroidism and "nerves".

    The Medicine service jumps into position. Dr. Shafer Goodloe, medical
    raconteur, man-about-town and big time babe magnet gets the nod from the
    referee. Shafer enters the room with a spotless white coat, stiff bow tie
    and gleaming implements of destruction hanging from every pocket.

    The clock starts....Dr. Goodloe jauntily saunters into the room and sidles
    up to the patient with a big cheesy smile....

    "Hi there Mr. Leeks...ever been in the Army?"

    "Yeah, but they threw me out for flat feet".

    " the interest of continuity of care, we feel that you should
    return to a Veterans Administration Hospital. The doctors there are
    familiar with these problems and they can follow you in perpetuity"


    "Naaaa...I don't like that place. The nurses are ugly and they let a bunch
    of smart ass kids in white coats practice on me when they thought I wasn't
    looking....I want to stay right here and have you take care of me."

    FOUL! Serve again....

    Shafer assumes his most intense young doctor countenance.....

    "Hi there Mr. Leeks....... got any pain right here (does hand stand on
    Amos's right upper quadrant).


    PINGGGG....Surgery consult.

    "Hello, Surgery...we got a guy down here with excruciating right upper
    quadrant pain, mild jaundice and a history of fatty food intolerance". He
    needs to be on the surgery service.

    "What else is wrong with him"

    "Oh, just a few minor medical ailments"

    "How much does he weigh?"

    Oh, maybe three hundred and.." (click)


    Shafer's face darkens..........

    "Say...Mr. Leeks....ever taken any Valium?"

    "Yeah....someone gave me some once".

    PINGGGG! Psychiatry consult...

    "Hello, psychiatry...we got a guy down here who looks pretty depressed. May
    be suicidal. Has a history of Valium abuse. He needs to be on the Psych

    OK, just have him sign a consent for electro-convulsive therapy and send
    him around in the morning. We'll buzz him till he sees God".

    "What about his work up?"

    "What about it?" (click)


    Shafer begins to sweat and his bow tie droops....the other services
    nervously shift from foot to foot....

    "Say...Mr. any pain here? (pops Lumbar 5 with ball peen hammer).


    PINGGGG! Orthopedics consult.

    "Hello, Orthopods...we got a guy down here with exquisite low back pain
    radiating to both legs, he needs to be admitted to Ortho."

    "What day is today?"


    "Sorry, back pain only on Tuesdays and alternate Thursdays. Make him a
    clinic appointment for three weeks." (click)


    Metaphorically speaking, Shafer takes the gloves off...No more Mr.

    "Hi there Mr. Leeks.......have any pain in your head? (Shines
    quartz-halogen light in left pupil dilated with homatropine)"


    PINGGGG! Neurosurgery consult.

    "Hello, a guy down here with an exquisite headache
    accompanied by flashing lights and not relieved by anything. He needs to be
    admitted to you."

    " problem...get him a CAT scan with and without contrast, lumbar
    puncture, angiogram, EEG, put him on your service and we'll consult on him
    in the morning" (click).


    Medical team calls time out, stops the clock and pulls into a huddle. As
    they whisper and murmur..a Senior Medical Student pops up to see if the
    patient is still there...he is. After a moment they break and return to the
    game with broad grins.

    "Hello...OB-GYN....we got a woman down here with an imperforate hymen,
    adreno-genital syndrome and bilateral femoro-labial hernias...."




    Code of Ethical Patient Behavior -- Version 2

    OK, We all go the doctor for our aches, pains worries and some of us just
    to have someone to listen to our problems. Guess What, doctors are human
    too, so here are is a guide of what to do and not to do

    Code of Ethical Patient Behavior
    (The Patient's "HYPOCRATIC" Code")

    They've already heard it before. Just sit back and take the pain

    If you make your doctors unhappy, they might just make a slip
    with the needle as they are inserting it into your butt.

    Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
    It wouldn't look to good if you are smiling when the medical books
    indicate you should be wincing

    Even if you're babes, your sustained and repeated come-ons to
    pay in "trade" are still harrassment.

    Hey, 4 years of medical school, 4 - 7 years in residency and another
    one or two in fellowships have already made it impossible for your
    doctorto speak normal English anyway.

    Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
    research paper will surely be of widespread interest, and you
    might even become famous in a medical textbook, or if you really
    complain enough, have a procedure named after you.

    See #2, Keep you doctor happy..

    Really bad form

    Your treatment room can't be used for others for the rest of
    the day and you almost killed the doctor.

    You may likely be told you need a referral to a "specialist" .

    It's a shame but true...


    A woman goes to her doctor and tells him that she can't get any sex from her husband. So he gives her some pills and says "they are experimental pills, put two into his coffee and see what happens.

    So she does and the next morning come back and says "the sex was great what if I use ten?"

    And the doctor replied "they are experimental pills so try it and see what happens.

    So the next day she comes back and says "the sex was better, can I put the whole bottle in and see what happens?"

    The next morning a little boy comes in and says, "my mother's dead, my sister's pregnant, my arse hurts like hell and my father is sitting in the corner saying "here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."

    This Flu Strong Enough to Daze Even Hercules
    By Pat Cashman

    I had intended on this morning of Jan. 10 to take a sweeping look back
    at the year 2000 -- so far. I was going to offer my list of the most
    significant individuals ... the most important developments ... and,
    perhaps, the outstanding teriyaki places, of the last 10 days.

    It was to be what they call in the column-writing business a think

    Unfortunately, I cannot think.

    Granted, that shortcoming hasn't held me back before. But this time, it
    is especially acute. A couple of days ago, I came down with the flu --
    which is short for fluidcomingout.

    My list of symptoms sounds like the lineup you might see on a local rock
    band poster: "Live! The Sweats! Nasal Congestion! Dry Cough! With a
    special appearance by Malaise!" (To tell you the truth, while I do have
    most of the traditional flu symptoms, malaise really isn't one of them
    for me. And even if it was, it makes me uneasy and depressed to even
    think about it).

    It turns out that the flu has been hanging around this planet for a very
    long time. Hippocrates -- a large man, known to his friends as Hippo --
    first described the symptoms of what he coined as "the crud" back in 412

    "The patient is sometimes feverish ... but then, sometimes has the
    chills. It may indicate that the patient has trouble making a
    commitment." Not me. I committed to all of it, including muscle
    aches. In fact, as I write this, my love-handles are killing me. I've
    also got an oddly deep and throaty voice -- almost identical to that of
    the actor Tom Bosley. I've been amusing myself for the last several
    days by saying: "Hey Fonzie! Where's Potsie?" This is also part of
    the delirium that accompanies the flu.

    I've been lying around watching a lot of TV, too. Programs that
    normally would seem ridiculous appear incredibly profound when you're
    sick and groggy. This snatch of actual dialogue was heard by me from an
    episode of "Hercules" the other day:

    HERCULES: "Don't you realize that what you're doing is wrong?"

    DISGRUNTLED BAD GUY: "Oh, sure, Hercules. It's easy for you! You're
    the son of a god! You've had all the advantages!"

    I found myself talking out loud to the screen: "The guy's making a
    pretty good point there, Hercules."

    While the flu can be a very serious thing for people who are not
    normally healthy, for the majority of us it's only a moderately severe
    illness. In fact, most people are back on their feet within a week.
    And acrobats and contortionists are back on their hands and heads.

    The best way to understand the flu is to think of it not as a single
    malady, but as three different influenza virus families, A, B and C.
    Within each family are many viral strains, basically like different
    brothers and sisters -- brothers and sisters who have all intermarried.
    No wonder they're all mean and ugly.

    So just because I might have come down with flu family member Denise
    doesn't mean I'm completely out of the woods when I get well again.
    Because her creepy little brother Ernie -- who is also her husband,
    uncle and grandpa -- could be waiting around the corner. So much for
    family values.

    Of course, most of us grew up being told to wear a long coat and boots
    in chilly weather because a cold head and wet feet were sure-fire ways
    to get colds and flu. (If you wear a long coat and boots in warm
    weather, you become a person of interest.) But the real way to avoid
    germs, of course, is to wash your hands a lot. Because as my mom often
    pointed out: You don't know where they've been. Like my hands got up
    and walked around when I wasn't looking.

    In fact, I knew exactly where those hands had been. I just didn't want
    her to find out.

    But there really does seem to be something to the handwashing routine.
    And even though Lady Macbeth had a lot of other troubles, she never did
    come down with the flu. And she was only washing her hands in her

    So there are a couple of ways to try ducking the flu bug: 1) Avoid
    contact with all other humans, at all times, or, 2) get a simple flu
    shot. I made my decision early on and decided to avoid contact with all
    other humans. But I slipped up and caught the virus while chatting with
    my flu-sick uncle last week. It seems odd -- especially since I was on
    the phone with him for only a couple of minutes.

    Now my life has become a smorgasbord of remedies and nostrums. I'm
    taking analgesics, suppressants, antihistamines and decongestants. I'm
    throwing back vitamin C, zinc, echinacea -- and lots and lots of water,
    a liquid found in beer.

    I read somewhere that the human body is composed of something like 90
    percent water. So according to my most recent measurements, my body is
    now 106 percent water.

    Yesterday, I decided to buy some over-the-counter stuff at Albertsons.
    One product, called "flu, cold & cough hot liquid medicine," came with
    this warning: "Do not use if you have difficulty in urination." Being
    106 percent water already, that would not be an issue. Difficulty
    stopping, yes. Starting, no.

    But the warning label continued: "May cause breathing problems, nausea,
    fever, aches and pains." Wait a minute! I already have those! I don't
    need the medicine, after all!

    I also noticed that Children's Bubblegum-flavored Tylenol may cause
    excitability in kids. Gee, what a surprise. Why not just go for it and
    start manufacturing Children's Pure-Sugar Tylenol?

    Now, as I am finishing this column, I have just taken Nyquil ... or
    Dayquil ... or Middle-of-the-afternoonquil ... or something. The
    warming label says the medicashun might cause drowzines and an
    inAconcenrate to ability. Fortunately, I donut seem to have any such
    sideburns. And I am sertainly smart enough not to take such stuff such
    as like that while columnizing my words. I just saw a giant bunny
    floatering past my window wearing a ballerina outfit

    (Editor's note: Consult your physician before believing anything Pat
    Cashman writes.)


    Yesterday, I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo who told me that they are on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they think will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company now. The drug is called Gingko Viagra, and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.


    • A Graduate Nurse throws up when the patient does.
      An experienced nurse calls housekeeping when a patient throws up.
    • A Graduate Nurse wears so many pins on their name badge you can't read it.
      An experienced nurse doesn't wear a name badge for liability reasons.
    • A Graduate Nurse charts too much.
      An experienced nurse doesn't chart enough.
    • A Graduate Nurse loves to run to codes.
      An experienced nurse makes graduate nurses run to codes.
    • A Graduate Nurse wants everyone to know they are a nurse.
      An experienced nurse doesn't want anyone to know they are a nurse.
    • A Graduate Nurse keeps detailed notes on a pad.
      An experienced nurse writes on the back of their hand, paper scraps, napkins, etc.
    • A Graduate Nurse will spend all day trying to reorient a patient.
      An experienced nurse will chart the patient is disoriented and restrain them.
    • A Graduate Nurse can hear a beeping I-med at 50 yards.
      An experienced nurse can't hear any alarms at any distance.
    • A Graduate Nurse loves to hear abnormal heart and breath sounds.
      An experienced nurse doesn't want to know about them unless the patient is symptomatic.
    • A Graduate Nurse spends 2 hours giving a patient a bath.
      An experienced nurse lets the CNA give the patient a bath.
    • A Graduate Nurse thinks people respect Nurses.
      An experienced nurse knows everybody blames everything on the nurse.
    • A Graduate Nurse looks for blood on a bandage hoping they will get to change it.
      An experienced nurse knows a little blood never hurt anybody.
    • A Graduate Nurse looks for a chance "to work with the family"
      An experienced nurse avoids the family.
    • A Graduate Nurse expects meds and supplies to be delivered on time.
      An experienced nurse expects them to never be delivered at all.
    • A Graduate Nurse will spend days bladder training an incontinent patient.
      An experienced nurse will insert a Foley catheter.
    • A Graduate Nurse always answers their phone.
      An experienced nurse checks their caller ID before answering the phone.
    • A Graduate Nurse thinks psych patients are interesting.
      An experienced nurse thinks psych patients are crazy.
    • A Graduate Nurse carries reference books in their bag.
      An experienced nurse carries magazines, lunch, and some "cough syrup" in their bag.
    • A Graduate Nurse doesn't find this funny.
      An experienced nurse does.


    A doctor, a nurse, and the CEO of a HMO all died on the same day. Upon
    approaching the pearly gates, St. Peter asked the doctor why he should
    be admitted to heaven. The doctor answered, "I healed the sick and
    cared for the dying for many years." St. Peter agreed that he should
    be let into heaven.

    When the nurse was asked the same question by St. Peter, she replied,
    "I comforted the ill and the dying for many years, as well as educated
    and cared for the families." St. Peter allowed her into heaven as

    St. Peter then turned to the CEO of the HMO and asked him the same
    question. The CEO responded, "I have cut the cost of health care and
    prevented many unnecessary procedures."

    St. Peter thought about what to do and then said to the CEO, "I have
    decided to allow you into heaven, but only with a referral, and only
    for three days!!"


    Managed Caring Plan
    Friendship Providers, Inc.

    Welcome to Managed Caring(tm), a whole new way of thinking about
    friendship. The Managed Caring Plan(tm) combines all the advantages of a
    "traditional" friendship network with important cost-saving features.

    Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened
    accredited Friendship Providers. All of your friendship needs are met
    by members of your Managed Caring(tm) panel.

    If you're like most people, you're probably receiving Friendship Services
    from a network of Providers haphazardly patched together based on where
    you've lived, worked, or gone to school. The result is costly duplication,
    inefficiency and conflict. Some Providers may not meet national standards,
    responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or experimental
    behavior. Under Managed Caring(tm), your friendship needs are coordinated
    by a designated Best Friend, who Cares(tm) about the quality of all your

    Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers
    are as concerned as we are about delivering quality Caring(tm) in a
    cost-effective way. They have joined our network because they want to
    focus on Caring(tm) for you rather than devoting their resources to the
    paperwork and high Bad Friendship premiums that have sent the cost of
    traditional Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing. Our Friendship
    providers have met our rigorous standards of loyalty.

    Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary Friendship
    Procedures that have sent the cost of the traditional Friendship Delivery
    system skyrocketing. By training, experience, and by virtue of knowing
    you for what you really are, your Best Friend is qualified to refer you to a
    Special Friend within the Managed Caring(tm) network should your needs
    fall outside the scope of his or her excellent training.

    No. The only time you can see a Friendship Provider without first
    consulting your Best Friend is in the event of a Friendship Emergency.

    The Managed Caring(tm) Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day,
    365 days a year anywhere in the world, even if you need a friend out of
    town, after business hours, or when your Best Friend is Caring(tm) for
    someone else. You may be on a business trip and find yourself lonely.
    In such a case, you may make a New Friend, and all appropriate Friendship
    Procedures delivered in this Emergency Friendship will be covered under
    the plan, provided you notify us within two business days.

    Typical Friendship Procedures covered include (but are not limited to):
    Chewing the fat, slinging the bull, shooting the breeze, hanging out,
    checking in, cheering up, kidding around, dropping over, partying,
    moaning, gossiping, joshing, ribbing, holding your hand, patting your

    Yes. Ineligible services include (but are not limited to): drinking in
    excess of six ounces of alcoholic beverages, lending sums in excess of $5,
    going the extra mile, exchanging ethnic or dirty jokes, and sex.

    If you need a Friendship Procedure, call the toll-free number on your
    Managed Caring(tm) I.D. card to arrange for precertification of the
    proposed Procedure. All appropriate Procedures will be approved for
    coverage within 24 business hours.

    We do. Isn't that what friends are for?


    Managed Care Music Critic

    The president of a large California managed care company was also board
    chairman of his community's symphony orchestra. Unable to attend a concert,
    he gave his tickets to the company's director of health care cost
    containment. The next morning, the president asked his associate how he
    enjoyed the performance, Instead of the expected usual polite remarks, the
    director handed him the following memo:


    To: Mr. Michael Holtz
    From: Stanley Gogetter
    Subject: Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony"; Performance of

    The undersigned submits the following comments and recommendations
    relative to the performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony by the
    Civic Orchestra as observed under actual working conditions,

    (A) The attendance of the orchestra conductor is unnecessary for public
    performances. The orchestra has obviously practiced and has the
    prior authorization from the conductor to play the symphony at a
    predetermined level of quality Considerable money could be saved
    by merely having the conductor critique the orchestra's
    performance during a retrospective peer review meeting

    (B) For considerable periods, the four oboe players had nothing to do.
    Their numbers should be reduced and their work spread over the
    whole orchestra thus eliminating peaks and valleys of activity.
    If it is indeed at all necessary to have oboes, a break-thru team
    should be established to see if their parts could be combined
    with those of the clarinet players, who could simply switch
    instruments as required, there-by cutting the reed instrument
    requirements approximately by one-third.

    (C) All 12 violins were playing identical motions. This is unnecessary
    duplication the staff of this section should be drastically cut
    with consequent savings If a large volume of sound is required,
    this could be obtained through electronic amplification, which has
    reached very high levels of reproductive quality. Or perhaps the
    reduced number of violin players could pre-record their various
    parts on tape and co-ordinate the playback(s) with the actual
    performance. I doubt the audience would even notice.

    (D) Much effort was expended playing 16th notes or semi-quavers. This
    seems an excessive refinement as most of the listeners are unable
    to distinguish such rapid playing. It is recommended that all
    notes be rounded up to the nearest 8th. If this is done, it would
    be possible to use para-professionals instead of experienced
    musicians. This alone would save a great deal of overhead on the

    (E) No useful purpose would appear to be served by repeating with horns
    the same passage that has already been handled by the strings.
    If all such redundant passages were eliminated, as determined by
    the utilization review committee, the concert could have been
    reduced from two hours to 20 minutes. Besides, having heard the
    melody once, I fail to see what the audience gains by unnecessary
    repetition. being able to reduce the house lights, and either
    heating or air conditioning (depending on the season) would
    greatly increase the profits on each ticket by ending the concert
    forty minutes sooner.

    (F) This symphony had two movements. If Schubert didn't achieve his
    musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should
    have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should
    be cut.

    In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given
    attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to
    finish his symphony.


    New Revolution in Cheap Health Care -- Affordable HMO Opens
    by Baja Arizona Publishing Company

    TUCSON -- Federated Health Care of America announced today the newest
    innovation in cheap health care -- an HMO without doctors.

    "One of the most expensive parts of the health care system is the
    doctors," explained Andrew Bongle, President of FHCA. "They cost a lot
    of money in salaries and malpractice insurance, and they have this nasty
    habit of ordering really costly services such as surgery."

    In order to keep the cost of health care affordable for their investors,
    FHCA has purchased thousands of do-it-yourself photo booths and
    installed them in Walmarts around the country. The booths have been
    retrofitted with a microchip diagnostic system similar to the ones found
    in auto repair shops, and a series of sensors.

    "Our patients will simply have to sit in the HealthChair, as we call
    them, and answer a series of questions, such as 'Do you have a fever?'
    The sensors will detect the body temperature and other probes can be
    inserted in various parts of the body to complete the diagnosis," Bongle

    "Our in-store health care booths are the cutting edge of instant service
    delivery to our clients," noted Bongle.

    The HealthChair Booths will dispense pre-measured doses of generic drugs
    such as aspirin.

    "For the more serious illnesses or injuries, the HealthChair will
    dispense a How To Manual for the patient to take home so they can treat
    themselves," Bongle noted. "For a few extra dollars, we will even
    provide video instructions."

    "For example, many surgical procedures only require a local anesthetic,
    so the patient will be given a disposable scalpel, a dose of pain
    killer, and instructions on how to perform the surgery themselves,"
    Bongle explained. "This gives new meaning to home health care."

    In addition to eliminating doctors, the new FHCA HealthChair booths
    eliminate nurses and hundreds of other expensive employees. "The whole
    system is automated so no human beings are required for health care
    delivery," Bongle added. "The only staff we will need is to process
    billings to insurance carriers."

    Since the HealthChair booths have video cameras installed in them to
    view patients, questions of privacy have arisen. "We have solved that
    problem by offering our patients discounts on their health care if
    they'll let us sell the pictures of their naked bodies on the Internet,"
    Bongle said.

    America's first rock'n roll nursing home opened today in Green Valley,
    Arizona -- a notorious retirement community.

    "Given the demographics of the country," explained Richard Sottleworth,
    head of the Oldies But Goodies Nursing Home, "it only made sense to
    cater to the incoming generation of senior citizens."

    The traditional nursing home just didn't seem appropriate for people
    weaned on the Rolling Stones. "There is no way the old type of old
    folks home is going to work with people playing dominoes and listening
    to Lawrence Welk," explained Sottleworth. "What works best is to create
    a familiar environment for our clients."

    The Oldies But Goodies Nursing Home will feature 24 hour rock music, and
    medicinal marijuana. "Actually, the next generation of senior citizens
    is going to be a lot easier to deal with," Sottleworth explained,
    "because we can really dope them up and they'll love it."

    The Oldies But Goodies Nursing Home Company plans a national chain of
    rock-oriented care facilities. "We are trying to get Dick Clark or Mick
    Jagger to do promos for us, but so far no luck," added Sottleworth.
    "But, there's plenty of aging rockers out there, so someone will need
    the money," he added.

    In addition to round-the-clock dope, the new nursing home will offer
    electric guitars for residents. "They're all deaf, anyway," Sottleworth


    Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain.

    My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

    I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"

    With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not THAT sick!"


    For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

    5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

    Heavenly HMO

    Three health care professionals find themselves at the Pearly Gates.
    Saint Peter asks the first, "Why do you belong here?"

    The first replies, "I was a great surgeon. I have saved countless

    "Welcome," says Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you."

    Saint Peter then asks the second, "Why do you belong here?"

    The second answers, "I was a family practitioner. I treated young and
    old alike. I made them well again."

    "Welcome," says Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you."

    Finally, Saint Peter asks the third, "Why do you belong here?"

    The third says, "I ran an HMO. I helped pay for thousands to receive
    medical care."

    "Okay," replies Saint Peter, "But you can only stay a day and a half."


    History of the Voices in Your Head

    2000 BC - These voices are the gods and the spirits of humans. You
    are blessed.

    0 AD - These voices are of God, you are His son.

    400-1200 AD - These are the voices of the Devil, you are Cursed you
    must die.

    1350-1500 AD - These are voices of the Saints, liberate us.

    1600-1750 AD (esp. US) - These are voices of the Devil and of witches.
    You are a witch. You must burn.

    1800-1990's AD - These voices are your SuperEgo, your Ego, and your
    Id. You are insane. You must be locked up.

    2000 AD - These voices are the gods and the spirits of humans. You
    are blessed.


    To: All Hospital Staff
    From: Administration/Groundskeeping
    Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures

    Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in pharmacy.

    In addition to routine nursing duties, charge nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the parking areas. In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The ward clerk will be responsible for watching cardiac monitors and security monitors as well as regular duties.

    Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something or may make arrangements with Subway or Pizza Hut to deliver. Coin operated telephones will be available in patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.

    Housekeeping and Physical Therapy will be combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of motion exercises as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non- ambulatory patients for special discounts on their final bill. Time cards will be provided.

    As you can see on the "from" line above, hospital administration is assuming the grounds keeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawnmower, weed-whacker, etc.

    Maintenance is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the Time-Life "How to..." series of maintenance books. These can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on "Basic Wiring", but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

    Cutbacks in phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related tests on patients who are already bleeding.

    Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two X- rays per patient stay. This is due to the turn-around time required by Photomat. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets.

    Photomat will also honor competitors coupons for one-hour processing in emergency situations so if you come across any extra coupons please clip out and send these to ER.

    In view of the hot summer temperatures, the Utilities Dept. has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.

    In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are asked to contribute discarded produce. Pharmacy will utilize this for antibiotic production. These will be available for purchase and, coincidentally, will soon be the only antibiotics on our HMO's formulary.



    Years ago most hospitals were known for their "TLC" (Tender
    Loving Care). Well, I guess most still are, except now, TLC
    means Take Lottsa Cash.

    My sister-in-law, Clara, wanted to see if she could get some
    information on my condition after I had had a mild heart attack.
    She asked the duty Nurse if I was making any progress.
    "Not in the least." the Nurse replied, "He's not my type."
    - - - - -

    When I was in Howard County General I kind-of took-up a habit
    of flirting with this one particular lil' Nurse. One morning I
    told her I wished I could stay longer as I enjoyed our banter.
    She said, "You may just get your wish. My boyfriend, the Ward
    Doctor, heard you flirting with me yesterday."

    Mrs JimJr kept her sense of humor while she was in the hospital
    for a very serious condition. She could only be fed intravenously,
    which isn't very pleasant at all. She asked the Nurse if she could
    have a couple of extra bottles this one day. The Nurse asked her
    "Whatever for ?" She kinda giggled and said, "I'm having people
    over for lunch."

    At a Prima Care Clinic in Wylie Texas, an older woman found one
    reason or another to visit daily. She had few friends and liked
    to chat with the Doctors and Nurses. They in turn treated all
    of her medical complaints with seeming concern and compassion.
    Showing up one afternoon, after being absent for over a week,
    a Nurse asked her why she hadn't been there in so long.
    The lady responded, "I've been sick all week."


    Psychiatric Hotline


    Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."

    If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

    If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

    If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you
    want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little
    voice will tell you which number to press.

    If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which
    number you press. No one will answer.


    A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.

    After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

    "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

    "Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.

    She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.

    The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says, "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"

    The woman with a wry grin on her face responds..."Well of course I don't. I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!"


    A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

    "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

    "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

    As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

    "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"


    One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were out riding when
    Lone Ranger jad to take a piss. So Lone Ranger goes over to the bush
    pulls down his pants and then he screams. He runs over to Tonto and
    says, "Tonto I've been bitten by a snake on my penis go to town and
    ask the doctor what to do."

    So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Lone
    Ranger has been bit by a snake what do I do?"

    The doctor looks at Tonto and says, "You take a knife and make an x on
    the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venim."

    Tonto thanks the doctor and rides back to Lone Ranger and Lone Ranger
    asks "What did the doctor say?"

    Tonto looks at Lone Ranger and says "Doctor say you gonna die!"

    Play Doctor

    The seven-year old told her mom that a little boy in her class
    asked her to play doctor.

    "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

    "Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the
    insurance company."


    Life in Hypochondria
    (c) 1999 by W. Bruce Cameron

    I am one of those people for whom the mention of a disease is the same as a
    diagnosis. This is particularly true when those public service messages
    come on the radio, listing the 14 signs of edema--invariably, I have all 14
    symptoms. Like this:

    Public Service Announcer: "Do you have skull apathy? Skull apathy
    afflicts one out of ten men who were present during atomic bomb tests and
    then later fell into the Love Canal. Listen closely to these symptoms:

    "Has there recently been an obvious change in a wart or mole, such as
    pulsating colors or bird whistles?"

    (Ohmygosh, yes! I have a mole I've been calling Bullwinkle, because that
    is sort of who it looks like, and lately he seems to have developed a funny
    bend in one of his legs.)

    "Do you sometimes believe you can see Al Gore talking without moving his


    "Do you think you are like everyone else?"

    (Doesn't everybody?)

    "Do you have trouble booting Windows 95?"


    "Do flames shoot out of your eyes when you are driving at night?"

    (Yes! Well, sort of.)

    "Are you troubled by cold sheets, swooping bats, percussion grenades?"

    (Yes Yes Yes!)

    "Did you cry at the movie Titanic, even though there were other guys in the

    (Yes! Hey wait, I didn't say that.)

    "If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is probably too late to
    see a doctor. In fact, you probably lapsed into a coma somewhere after the
    third question. Have a nice day."

    Just great, now I've got skull apathy and I'm about to go coma. I zoom
    home and breathlessly dial my doctor's telephone number, assuring the
    receptionist that this is a life and death emergency and yes, I have

    "This is Doctor Spleensplitter."

    "Doctor Spleensplitter! This is Bruce Cameron! Thank God you answered the

    "Oh, I'm... I believe I picked up the wrong line."

    "Dr. Spleensplitter, I've got the top ten reasons to have skull apathy,
    plus I can feel a coma coming on. You have to help me!"

    "Skull apathy?"


    "What sort of symptoms are you experiencing, Mr. Cameron?"

    "Well, I have this mole shaped like a moose, only lately it looks like it
    has developed a limp."

    "Well then. Maybe you should see a veterinarian."

    "Plus, I sometimes see Al Gore using Windows 95 without moving his lips!"

    "Mr. Cameron..."

    "I need some of those same pills you gave me last time."

    "Mr. Cameron, those were placeboes."

    "Yes, that's what I need, more placeboes! Only more powerful ones."

    "More powerful placeboes."


    "Mr. Cameron, may I ask you a very important question?"

    "Yes, I have insurance."

    "No, not that. I was reviewing your file the other day..."

    "You were? Why, do you suspect I've got something even more serious than
    skull apathy?"

    "No, actually, it's because our staff requested a whole new filing cabinet
    to put it in, and I wanted to see if there was anything in there we could
    throw out. Mr. Cameron, do you realize you've complained of nearly every
    malady known to man?"

    "I have?"

    "Plus some I'd never heard of before. Wake Apnea. Sudden Shower Syndrome.
    Reverse Appendicitis. And now this new one..."

    "Skull apathy?"

    "Precisely. Mr. Cameron, has anyone ever suggested to you that you might
    be suffering a bit of hypochondria?"

    "Hypochondria? Is it serious? What are the symptoms? Tell me straight,
    doc, how much time have I got?"

    "No, it isn't serious at all. In fact, a lot of people have it, in some
    form or another."

    "So I caught it from somebody else?"

    "Mr. Cameron, hypochondria is merely a term for people who worry
    obsessively that they may have some disease or affliction."

    "Well, I am worried! I'm worried I might have hypochondria! Are there any
    placeboes that can be used to cure it?"

    "You're not understanding me, Mr. Cameron. It isn't a real disease."

    "You mean I'm sick with something FAKE?" This opens up a whole new realm
    of doom that I hadn't even contemplated before. I swallow, feeling the
    first trickle of a whole host of phony symptoms. "What's next, a CAT scan?
    An MRI? Should I have my internal organs removed? Doc, I'm too young to
    have hypochondria. I was just beginning to live life to the fullest!"
    Well, maybe not to the fullest, but I had just purchased fresh batteries
    for the TV remote and was looking forward to a night of crisp channel
    changes. Now it seems pointless, somehow.

    "Mr. Cameron, I'm afraid I'm not making myself clear, here. There's
    nothing really wrong with you. You just have a morbid obsession."

    He thinks he is fooling me, with his medical jargon, but I know what
    morbidity is. From the Greek word "Mortimer," which means death.
    Mortician. Post Mortem. Today I mort, yesterday I morted, tomorrow I will
    have mortalized. Tomorrow.

    "24 hours." I whisper.

    "Mr. Cameron?"

    "I appreciate you calling me, Doc."

    "Well, I didn't call you."

    "Whatever. I just... having one more day to at least put my life in order,
    maybe catch one last episode of Baywatch..."

    "Mr. Cameron."


    He sighs heavily. "I'll call in a prescription for some placeboes right
    away. Treated aggressively, you should be well on your way to recovery by
    the end of the week."


    A class from a nearby university was visiting a major drug manufacturer. The tour guide led the students to a glass-enclosed room. They could see several people in white lab coats. With her back to the glass, the guide announced: "In this room researchers are actively searching for a cure for cancer."

    She stopped short as the group broke out laughing. Puzzled, the guide turned to look.

    Through the glass she saw three scientists in animated debate, flipping through the Yellow Pages.


    • This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?
    • Viagra, The quicker dicker upper
    • Viagra, One-a-day, like iron
    • Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
    • Viagra, Home of the whopper
    • Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em
    • Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
    • Viagra, Tastes great, more filling
    • Viagra, Ten inches long ... and growing.
    • Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to.

    1. You are assisting a primary nurse with charcoal administration down an orogastric tube. The room measures eight feet by twelve feet. The patient starts to retch before the tube is pulled. Knowing that charcoal can spew out of a tube in a five foot radius (even with a thumb over the opening) and the stretcher is two feet wide, how many feet per second do you have to back up to get less charcoal on you than the primary nurse?
    2. Doctor A picks up a chart out of the rack. S/he finds that it is a repeat patient with abdominal pain. Doctor A puts the chart back. Doctor B picks up the chart five minutes later and also returns it to the rack. Doctor A leaves the nurses' station heading south at three miles per hour. Doctor B leaves the nurses station for the doctors' lounge at five miles per hour. How long before the patient is at equal distance from Doctor A and Doctor B?
    3. You were assigned two large treatment rooms and the gynecologic room. By the end of the day you have cared for ten patients. Four patients were female over the age of 80, all complaining of weakness. Two patients were male, ages 72 and 50. The last four were female, between the ages of 24 and 40, all complaining of abdominal pain. It is 3:00 p.m. and time to restock the rooms. How many bedpans will you need?
    4. You are the primary nurse for an elderly patient with congestive heart failure. The IV stick was exceptionally difficult, but you are able to start an 18 gauge catheter on the second attempt. You leave the room to check on another patient. A relative thinks that the IV has stopped dripping and opens the clamp. How much IV fluid will infuse before you return?
    5. You are sent for your morning coffee break. You need to use the restroom but can't find one unoccupied and have to walk down to the lobby. The coffee pot is dry and you have to make more. When you get to the cafeteria, the line extends ten feet into the hallway. You can't remember exactly when your break began. How much time do you have left?
    6. You are the primary nurse taking care of a particularly shy female in the gynecology room. Her private physician arrives to see her, but you can see that he is not in a particularly good mood. After much coaxing, the patient agrees to a pelvic exam. How many people will open the door during the exam?
    7. An elderly man arrives in the Emergency Department by rescue squad. Twenty minutes later his wife arrives and registers him. She is shown the entrance to the department and slowly shuffles in. How many rooms will she walk into before she finds him?
    8. You are assigned to the EENT room. You have a patient to be checked for a peritonsillar abscess. The ENT physician has been paged and expects to arrive in 45 minutes. Three hours later, he arrives and is at the patient's side, asking for a flashlight. Lightly jogging at 22 miles per hour, how many rooms will you have to search before you find one?
    9. You have been asked to cover a coworker's rooms during her break. One of her patients is an elderly, confused male with an enlarged prostate. A catheter has been inserted and his physician is coming to see him. Somehow he manages to get off the stretcher. The drainage bag is firmly hooked to the side rail. Knowing that the catheter is 16 inches long and the drainage tubing is three feet long, will he be able to reach the door before pulling out the catheter?

    Medical Opinions

    A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other
    doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."

    The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then
    they'll see that I was right."


    First there was Psychotherapy,

    Then there was PsychoPharmacology

    Now there is ATTITUDE SURGERY!

    If you have tried the traditional mental health route...and are still having attitude problems.... consider having an OPTORECTOMY procedure.

    The purpose of this operation is to sever the cord that connects your rectum to your eyes and, hopefully, alleviates your poopy outlook on life.


    Medical Report Blunders

    Doctors may not say exactly what they mean..........
    The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated
    by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer,
    Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.

    By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
    feeling better.

    Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

    The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to
    his feet.

    On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
    completely disappeared.

    The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

    I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.

    Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have
    suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he
    stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

    The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be

    Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need
    disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

    Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but

    The patient refused an autopsy.

    The patient has no past history of suicides.

    The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

    Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

    Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

    The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
    with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

    She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
    directions in early December.

    The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her
    original complaints.

    She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
    was very hot in bed last night.

    The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

    The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
    ran out of gas and crashed.

    Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would
    like to work her up.

    She is numb from her toes down.

    While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

    The skin was moist and dry.

    Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

    Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

    Patient was alert and unresponsive.

    When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

    This patient has been under many psychiatrists in the past

    The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

    She was divorced last April. No other serious illness.

    Dr. [Blank] is watching his prostate.

    The patient was advised not to go around exposing himself to other

    The patient was somewhat agitated and had to be encouraged to feed and
    eat himself.

    The patient developed a puffy right eye, which was felt to be caused
    by an insect bite by an ophthalmologist.

    Apparently the mother resented the fact that she was born in her

    Physician has been following the patient's breast for six years.

    He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left above
    the knee amputation last year.


    Medical Specialists

    When doctors were told to contribute to the construction
    of a new wing at a hospital:

    The allergists voted to scratch it.
    The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
    The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
    The microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein.
    The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of
    The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a
    The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
    The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
    The parasitologists said, "well, if you encyst".
    The pathologists yelled, "over my dead body!"
    The pediatricians said, "grow up".
    The proctologists said, "we are in arrears".
    The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
    The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole
    The radiologists could see right through it.
    The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
    The plastic surgeons said, "this puts a whole new face
    on the matter".
    The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
    The D.O.s thought they were being manipulated.
    The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
    The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
    The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
    And the otologists were deaf to the idea.

    The new wing didn't fly!


    Medical or Surgical?

    Conversation between two small boys in the children's ward of a

    "Are you medical or surgical?"

    "Gee, I don't know what you mean by that."

    "Well, were you sick when you came in, or did they make you sick
    after you got here?"


    Medical Truths

    • The patient furthest away from the nurses' station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses' station.
    • You always remember "just one more thing" you need after you've gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.
    • The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.
    • When you cancel extra staff because it's so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.
    • If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on. Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.
    • There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
    • When management smiles at you, be afraid, very afraid ...
    • Staffing will gladly send you three aides--but you have to float two of your RNs.
    • As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.
    • Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you've had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.
    • You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other end ...
    • Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn't doing well.
    • Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching.
    • The more sophisticated the equipment, the longer it takes to get repaired.
    • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
    • As soon as you've ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests!

    Announcement: the Mental-Illness-of-the-Month Club is being disbanded immediately. The reasons being:

    1. During dipsomania month, the club party spent 10 times its budget on refreshments.
    2. During kleptomania month, all of the club furnishings were removed, and (as aforementioned) the budget was already spent and gone.
    3. During megalomania month, the club organization broke down due to having sixteen claimants to being Club President, etc.
    4. During multiple personality month, our club roster roughly tripled in size with no increase in dues.
    5. During paranoia month, the inflated roster dropped to zero as each member changed his or her mailing address and left no forwarding address for the club.

    You members were obviously out to ruin us; it's all clear now. It took all our remaining personal savings to track you all down. Therefore, here is your last installment: clinical depression. Have a nice day.


    With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous British pharmaceutical company is working to re-dress the balance:

    • MIRRORCILLIN -- A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once.
    • STOPPANAGGIN -- Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend.
    • COSMOPOLIRA -- Doubles female intelligence to almost simian levels, allowing "facts" in trash lifesytle magazines to be disputed.
    • LOGICON -- Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively without being diverted into non-relevant postulates such as "you dont't love me anymore".
    • PARKATRON --72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford Festiva into a space only 12 metres long, 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes.
    • MAGNATACK -- Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger than in reality - no practical use for this drug has yet been found.
    • WARDROBIA -- Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can safely walk past a "sale" notice, and an amazing 42% stayed within their credit limit.
    • BEERINTULIN -- Engenders a females desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.

    Murphy's Laws of EMS

    The First Law of EMS:
    All emergency calls will wait until you begin to eat, without regard to the time.
    Corollary 1: Fewer accidents would occur if EMS personnel would never eat.
    Corollary 2: Always order food "to go".
    The Law of Time:
    1. There is absolutely no relationship between the time at which you are supposed to get off shift and the time at which you will get off shift.
    2. Given the following equation: T + 1 Minute = Relief Time, "T" will always be the time of the last call of your shift. E.g., If you are supposed to get off shift at 08:00, your last run will come in at 07:59. (Or if you have early relief coming in you will see you relief sitting at the first stop light from the station, waving!)
    The Law of Gravity:
    Any instrument, when dropped, will always come to rest in the least accessible place possible.
    The Law of Time Versus Distance:
    The distance of the call from the Hospital increases as the time to shift change decreases.
    Corollary 1: The shortest distance between the station and the scene is under construction.
    The Rule of Random Syncronicity:
    Emergency calls will randomly come in all at once.

    The Law of Respiratory Arrest:
    All patients who are vomiting and must be intubated will have just completed a large meal of Barbecue and Onions, Garlic Pizza, and Pickled Herring, all of which was washed down with at least three cans of Beer.
    The Basic Principle for Dispatchers:
    Assume that all field personnel are idiots until their actions prove your assumption.
    The Basic Principle for Field Personnel:
    Assume that all dispatchers are idiots until their actions prove your assumption.
    The Axiom of Late Night Runs:
    If you respond to any Motor Vehicle Accident call after Midnight and do not find a drunk on the scene, keep looking: somebody is still missing.
    The Law of Options:
    Any patient, when given the option of either going to Jail or going to the Hospital by a Police Officer, will always be inside the Ambulance before you are.
    Corollary 1: Any patient who chooses to go to Jail instead of the Hospital has probably been in my rig in the past.
    The First Rule of Equipment:
    Any piece of Life-saving Equipment will never malfunction or fail until: a)You need it to save a life, or b)The salesman leaves.
    The Other Rules of Equipment:

    Interchangeable parts don't
    Leak proof seals will
    Self-starters won't.

    The First Law of Ambulance Operation:
    No matter how fast you drive the Ambulance when responding to a call, it will never be fast enough, until you pass a Police Cruiser, at which point it will be entirely too fast. Unless you are responding to an"Officer Down" call then it is physically impossible to be travelling fast enough!
    EMS Bathroom Rules:

    If a call is received between 0500 and 0700, the location of the call will always be in a Bathroom.
    If you have just gone to the Bathroom, no call will be received.
    If you have not just gone to the Bathroom, you will soon regret it.
    The probability of receiving a run increases proportionally to the time elapsed since last going to the Bathroom.

    General Principles Concerning Dispatchers:
    Given the opportunity, any Dispatcher will be only too happy to tell you where to go, regardless of whether or not (s)he actually knows where that may be.
    Corollary 1: The existence or non-existence of any given location is of only minor importance to a Dispatcher
    Corollary 2: Any street designated as a Cross-street" by a Dispatcher probably isn't.
    Corollary 3: If a street name can be mispronounced, a Dispatcher will mispronounce it.
    Corollary 4: If a street name cannot be mispronounced, a Dispatcher will mispronounce it anyway.
    Corollary 5: A Dispatcher will always refer to a given location in the most obscure manner as possible. E.g., "Stumpy Brown's Cabbage Field" is now covered by a shopping center.
    The Law of Triage:
    In any accident, the degree of injury suffered by a patient is inversely proportional to the amount and volume of agonized screaming produced by that patient.
    The Gross Injury Law:
    Any injury, the sight of which makes you want to puke, should immediately be covered by 4x4's and Kerlix.
    The Supervisor Equation:
    Given the equation: X +Y = Q

    Q = Quality of Care
    X = the care that you render
    Y = the assistance supplied by any Supervisor.

    If you can eliminate Y from the equation, the Quality of Care will improve by X.
    Corollary 1: Generally, Field Supervisors have no business in the Field.
    Corollary 2: The level of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
    Corollary 3: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
    The Law of Protocol Language:
    The simplest Protocol Directive will be worded in the most obscure and complicated manner possible. Speeds, for example, will be expressed as "Furlongs per Fortnight" and flow rates as "Hogsheads per Hour".
    Corollary 1: If you don't understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.
    Corollary 2: If you can understand it, you probably don't.
    The Law of EMS Educators:
    Those who can't do, teach.
    The Law of EMS Evaluators:
    Those who can't do or teach, evaluate.
    The Law of Light:
    As the seriousness of any given injury increases, the availability of light to examine
    that injury decreases.
    The Law of Space:
    The amount of space which is needed to work on a patient varies inversely with the amount
    of space which is available to work on that patient.
    EMS Relativity:
    The number of distraught and uncooperative relatives surrounding any given patient varies exponentially with the seriousness of the patient's illness or injury.
    The Theory of Weight:
    The weight of the patient that you are about to transport increases exponentially by the
    number of floors which must be ascended to reach the patient and the number of floors
    which must be descended while carrying the patient.
    Corollary 1: Very heavy patients tend to gravitate toward locations which are furthest from mean sea level.
    Corollary 2: If the patient is heavy, the elevator is broken, and the lights in the stairwell are out.

    The Laws of Non-Transport:

    A Life-or-Death situation will immediately be created by driving away from the home of patient who has just thrown you out of their house.
    The seriousness of this situation will increase as the date of your trial approaches.
    By the time your ex-patient reaches the witness stand, the Jury will wonder how patient in such terrible condition could have possibly walked to the door and greeted you with a large suitcase in each hand.

    The First Rule of Bystanders
    Any bystander who offers you help will give you none.
    The Second Rule of Bystanders:
    Always assume that any Physician found at the scene of an emergency is a Gynecologist, until proven otherwise. (Unless the emergency is obstetrical in nature, then the bystander will be a Dermatologist.)
    The Rule of Warning Devices
    Any Ambulance, whether it is responding to a call or traveling to a Hospital, with Lights and Siren, will be totally ignored by all motorists, pedestrians, and dogs which may be found in or near the roads along its route.
    Corollary 1: Ambulance Sirens can cause acute and total, but transient, deafness.
    Corollary 2: Ambulance Lights can cause acute and total, but transient, blindness.
    note: This Rule does not apply in California, where all pedestrians and motorists are apparently oblivious to any and all traffic laws.
    The Law of Show and Tell
    A virtually infinite number of wide-eyed and inquisitive school-aged children can climb into the back of any Ambulance, and, given the opportunity, invariably will.
    Corollary 1: No emergency run will come in until they are all inside the Ambulance and playing with the equipment.
    Corollary 2: It will take at least four times as long to get them all out as it took to get them in.
    Corollary 3: A vital piece of equipment will be missing.
    The Rule of Rookies
    The true value of any Rookie, when expressed numerically, will always be a negative number.
    The value of this number may be found by simply having the rookie grade his or her ability on a scale from 1 to 10.
    Medical skill: 1 = Certified Health Hazard, 10 =Johnny and Roy.
    Driving ability: 1 = Obstruction to Navigation, 10 = Mario Andretti.
    The true value of the rookie is then found by simply negating the Rookie's self-assigned value.
    Corollary 1: Treat any Rookie assigned to your Unit as you would a Bystander. (See The First Rule of Bystanders, above.)
    Corollary 2: We were all rookies once upon a time....
    The Law of Rules:
    As soon as an EMS Rule is accepted as absolute, an exception to that Rule will immediately occur.
    PS - Murphy was an optimist!


    In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade
    name and generic name. For example, the trade name of
    Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
    Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call
    Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

    The FDA has been looking for a generic name for
    Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of
    government experts, it recently announced that it has
    settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
    considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin,
    Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

    Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be
    available in liquid form, and will be marketed by
    Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a
    mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally
    pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer
    call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to
    the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good
    old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new
    concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

    Thought for the day: There is more money being spent
    on breast implants and Viagra today than on
    Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
    should be a large elderly population with perky boobs
    and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of
    what to do with them.

    A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor
    takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the
    window. Right away he tells her to undress.

    After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this
    he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

    "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological

    "That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her

    "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

    "Yes," says the woman, "yYou're checking for any lumps or breast

    "That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual
    intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm
    doing now?"

    "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

    Nurse: Doctor, Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room!

    Doctor: Well, go in there and tell him I can't see him!!


    A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him, "Doc, I think I have an
    obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by
    showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and
    asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says, "OMIGOSH!!
    Four people having sex!!!!".

    Next the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and says,
    "One man having sex."

    Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the patient
    identifies as, "two woman and one man having sex".

    The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I
    do believe that you have an obsession with sex."

    To which the man replies, "ME????? YOU'RE the one drawing all the
    dirty pictures!"


    Old Habits Die Hard

    Dr. Shapiro was a obstetrician/gynecologist for 25 years. One day,
    he decided he just couldn't deliver one more baby.

    He was just burned-out, so he decided to completely change professions
    and enrolled in an auto mechanics course to become an auto mechanic.

    After several months he took his final exam and was totally surprised
    when he made a score of 200 on a test with a possible score of 100.
    He thought he had better ask the instructor why such a score.

    The instructor explained "Well, Dr. Shapiro, you correctly disassembled
    the engine for 50 points, and you correctly reassembled the engine for
    another 50 points and I gave you an extra 100 points for doing it all
    through the muffler!"


    Old Wives' Tales
    by Richard Cutler

    I don't know how long those women had to be married to think up the
    original Old Wives' Tales but MY wife started coming up with them in
    our honeymoon suite.

    According to her it was bad luck for a bride to get undressed and ready
    for bed in front of her husband. I'm still not sure of the connection
    between misfortune and a locked bathroom door at the Motel 6. But I
    wasn't allowed to see her in her gown before the wedding and she wasn't
    about to let me see her get out of it, either, later on.

    It didn't surprise me all that much. Having been raised under the
    supervision of a mother and two grandmothers I learned quickly that much
    of the wisdom women impart is based on some strange concatenation of
    superstition, folklore and myth ... all of it in the public domain and
    freely circulated and adapted to apply to almost any situation. Even
    when it's logic-free or contradictory.

    Like how when we were little and couldn't go in swimming until an hour
    after lunch but were popped in the tub right after supper.

    Or my mother's favorite: Feed a cold and starve a fever, which my wife
    thinks is the other way around. Yet either way will cure a cold in six or
    seven days -- and with my wife's plan you also get to lose weight.

    Actually, one of my sore spots is her belief about colds. My contention
    is that if you get a chill, sit in a draft or go out and get wet in the
    rain or snow you catch cold. I base this on what my mother said every time
    she bundled me up to the point where normal vision and locomotion were
    inhibited and then sent me off to school or out to play.

    That, plus the fact that every time I've tested the notion since then on
    my own I have gotten sick. Besides, that's obviously why they are called
    colds in the first place.

    My wife says that's a lot of hogwash. (Yes, coming from New Jersey she
    sometimes talks like that.) She will concede that just maybe such conditions
    lower one's resistance and allow the odd germ or virus to get in and do its
    dirty work but cold air and chills are not the cause.

    She also has feelings about water. For a cold she will alter the word to
    "fluids" but otherwise she is specific: An apple a day is important, but the
    true doctor deterrent (and prescribed treatment for anything from general
    malaise to hangnail) is water. Eight glasses a day. Every day. Summer or
    winter and all points in between.

    I am lucky to get three down the hatch, max. Even if I mowed the lawn in
    100 degree heat I couldn't gag down eight glasses. Beer, maybe ... or Coke,
    but that's not good enough for her. She says this and coffee and iced tea
    don't count. Maybe I could get down a couple of more with a dollop of Scotch
    (for coloring) but I am told that somehow negates the effect.

    My feeling is that eight glasses of water, plus the occasional juice and
    milk will (even with first-rate plumbing) make sloshing noises when you walk.
    I say that if we were meant to consume that much water our earliest ancestors
    would never have been allowed to crawl up onto dry land.

    And I don't care if coffee DOES dehydrate me. I can't face the day without it.
    Lots of it. Water just won't cut it.

    My wife is full of stuff like this.

    She says that everything she tells me can be found in medical literature going
    way back.

    Maybe so. But I don't recall seeing anything about it in the Hippocratic Oath,
    which is probably unconstitutional by now ... at least the parts about healing
    the sick whether they have insurance or not -- and house calls. (Okay, so
    maybe I didn't read it all that carefully.)

    But we just naturally go round and round about doctors, anyway. To hear us
    then you'd think we were on that late night talk show "Politically Incoherent"
    the way she just keeps talking all during my remarks for fear I'll sneak a
    point in edgewise.

    Personally, I think the medical profession lost something when it split off
    from the barbering trade, and whereas I have to be dragged kicking and
    screaming to a physician (even since BEFORE my sigmoidoscopy), I willingly
    visit the lady who cuts my hair. And not just because she holds my head
    steady with her cleavage and I tip her generously when she's done.

    My wife also insists that a house should be kept about five degrees below
    comfortable. Early in our marriage I was given the responsibility for coming
    up with the money to pay the mortgage and any other bills necessary to
    maintaining a normal home. And she got to be in charge of the thermostat.

    So far she hasn't come up with an adage regulating the TV set. But just in
    case, I'm holding on to the remote.


    • "Today class, let's open our convicted criminals to rib two."
    • "Don't bite it! You need to swallow it alive for it to work!"
    • "They should translate these obscure medical terms into something easy, like Latin."
    • "It may seem like pointless superstition to you youngsters, but I haven't washed these hands since my first delivery 37 years ago."
    • "What do you mean we're out of wild boar snout?!?"
    • "Headache? Take two spotted salamanders and call me in the morning."
    • "Arthur, Schmarthur. What kind of insurance dost thou have?"
    • "Verily, it would seem our instructor Master Bush knoweth not the name of *any* disease!"
    • "Good woman Thurmond, to you a son is born. 'Strom' shall he be called."
    • "Put down that dwarf and hand me the pliers!"
    • "Now, remove the speculum from the fire and insert it thusly..."
    • "No, no, push that yellow stuff back in. That's pus from the *good* fairy!"
    • "Good knight, thy speed at treating boils is unsurpassed in all the kingdom! Thou shalt be called 'Sir Lance-a-lot'."
    • "Come now Hypoglycies, how can too much sugar possibly be bad for you?"
    • "Gesundheit! Now be sure to wipe that off his liver."

    The "Oy!" of HMOs

    Frequently Asked Questions About Managed Health Care
    --by David Lubar

    Q. What does HMO stand for?
    A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots
    go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered
    that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if
    he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the
    physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice-mail and
    referral slips, but the result remains the same.

    Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
    A. No. Only those you need.

    Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the
    doctor I want?
    A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
    insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who
    were participating in the plan at the time the information was
    gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those
    who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you
    but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining
    doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an
    office just a half day's drive away!

    Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
    A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want
    to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be
    pre-stuck with it.

    Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
    A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

    Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
    A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

    Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name
    brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me stomach ache.
    What should I do?
    A. Poke yourself in the eye.

    Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
    A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

    Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
    A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your
    primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then
    get sick.

    Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
    handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart
    transplant right in his office?
    A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10
    co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

    Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
    A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

    Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
    A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.


    A Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients

    1. Do Not Expect Your Doctor To Share Your Discomfort.
    Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him
    to lose valuable scientific objectivity

    2. Be Cheerful At All Times.
    Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires
    all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

    3. Try To Suffer From The Disease For Which you are Treated
    Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to

    4. Do Not Complain If The Treatment fails To Bring Relief.
    You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight
    into the true nature of your illness, Which transcends any mere
    permanent disability you may experience.

    5. Never Ask Your Doctor To Explain What He Is Doing Or Why
    He Is Doing It.
    It is presumptuous to assume that profound matters could
    be explained in terms that you would understand.

    6. Submit To Novel Experimental Treatment Readily.
    Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the
    resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.

    7. Pay Your Medical Bills Promptly And Willingly
    You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however
    modestly, to the well being of physicians and other humanitarians.

    8. Do Not Suffer Ailments That You Cannot Afford.
    It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your

    9. Never Reveal Any Of The Shortcomings That Have Come to Light In the
    Course Of Treatment By Your Doctor.
    The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you
    have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

    10. Never Die While In Your Doctor's Presence Or Under His Direct Care.
    This will only cause him needless inconvenience and


    A Long Alphabetical List of Phobias

    Ablutophobia- Fear of washing or bathing.
    Acarophobia- Fear of itching or of the insects that cause itching.
    Acerophobia- Fear of sourness.
    Achluophobia- Fear of darkness.
    Acousticophobia- Fear of noise.
    Acrophobia- Fear of heights.
    Aerophobia- Fear of drafts, air swallowing, or airbourne noxious substances.
    Aeroacrophobia- Fear of open high places.
    Aeronausiphobia- Fear of vomiting secondary to airsickness.
    Agliophobia- Fear of pain.
    Agoraphobia- Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places
    like markets.
    Agraphobia- Fear of sexual abuse.
    Agrizoophobia- Fear of wild animals.
    Agyrophobia- Fear of streets or crossing the street.
    Aichmophobia- Fear of needles or pointed objects.
    Ailurophobia- Fear of cats.
    Albuminurophobia- Fear of kidney disease.
    Alektorophobia- Fear of chickens.
    Algophobia- Fear of pain.
    Alliumphobia- Fear of garlic.
    Allodoxaphobia- Fear of opinions.
    Altophobia- Fear of heights.
    Amathophobia- Fear of dust.
    Amaxophobia- Fear of riding in a car.
    Ambulophobia- Fear of walking.
    Amnesiphobia- Fear of amnesia.
    Amychophobia- Fear of scratches or being scratched.
    Anablepobia- Fear of looking up.
    Ancraophobia or Anemophobia- Fear of wind.
    Androphobia- Fear of men.
    Anemophobia- Fear of air drafts or wind.
    Anginophobia- Fear of angina, choking or narrowness.
    Anglophobia- Fear of England, English culture, etc.
    Angrophobia - Fear of becoming angry.
    Ankylophobia- Fear of immobility of a joint.
    Anthrophobia or Anthophobia- Fear of flowers.
    Anthropophobia- Fear of people or society.
    Antlophobia- Fear of floods.
    Anuptaphobia- Fear of staying single.
    Apeirophobia- Fear of infinity.
    Aphenphosmphobia- Fear of being touched. (Haphephobia)
    Apiphobia- Fear of bees.
    Apotemnophobia- Fear of persons with amputations.
    Arachibutyrophobia- Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the
    Arachnephobia or Arachnophobia- Fear of spiders.
    Arithmophobia- Fear of numbers.
    Arrhenphobia- Fear of men.
    Arsonphobia- Fear of fire.
    Asthenophobia- Fear of fainting or weakness.
    Astraphobia or Astrapophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.
    Astrophobia- Fear of stars and celestial space.
    Asymmetriphobia- Fear of asymmetrical things.
    Ataxiophobia- Fear of ataxia (muscular incoordination)
    Ataxophobia- Fear of disorder or untidiness.
    Atelophobia- Fear of imperfection.
    Atephobia- Fear of ruins.
    Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting.
    Atomosophobia - Fear of atomic explosions.
    Atychiphobia- Fear of failure.
    Aulophobia- Fear of flutes.
    Aurophobia- Fear of gold.
    Auroraphobia- Fear of Northern lights.
    Autodysomophobia- Fear of one that has a vile odor.
    Automatonophobia- Fear of ventriloquist's dummies, animatronic creatures,
    wax statues - anything that falsly represents a sentient being.
    Automysophobia- Fear of being dirty.
    Autophobia- Fear of being alone or of oneself.
    Aviophobia or Aviatophobia- Fear of flying.

    Bacillophobia- Fear of microbes.
    Bacteriophobia- Fear of bacteria.
    Ballistophobia- Fear of missles or bullets.
    Bolshephobia- Fear of Bolsheviks.
    Barophobia- Fear of gravity.
    Basophobia or Basiphobia- Inability to stand. Fear of walking or falling.
    Bathophobia- Fear of depth.
    Batonophobia- Fear of plants.
    Batophobia- Fear of heights or being close to high buildings.
    Batrachophobia- Fear of amphibians, such as frogs, newts, salamanders,
    Belonephobia- Fear of pins and needles. (Aichmophobia)
    Bibliophobia- Fear of books.
    Blennophobia- Fear of slime.
    Bogyphobia- Fear of bogies or the bogeyman.
    Bromidrosiphobia or Bromidrophobia- Fear of body smells.
    Brontophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.
    Bufonophobia- Fear of toads.

    Cacophobia- Fear of ugliness.
    Cainophobia or Cainotophobia- Fear of newness, novelty.
    Caligynephobia- Fear of beautiful women.
    Cancerophobia- Fear of cancer.
    Carcinophobia- Fear of cancer.
    Cardiophobia- Fear of the heart.
    Carnophobia- Fear of meat.
    Catagelophobia- Fear of being ridiculed.
    Catapedaphobia- Fear of jumping from high and low places.
    Cathisophobia- Fear of sitting.
    Catoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors.
    Cenophobia or Centophobia- Fear of new things or ideas.
    Ceraunophobia- Fear of thunder.
    Chaetophobia- Fear of hair.
    Cheimaphobia or Cheimatophobia- Fear of cold.
    Chemophobia- Fear of chemicals or working with chemicals.
    Cherophobia- Fear of gaiety.
    Chionophobia- Fear of snow.
    Chiraptophobia- Fear of being touched.
    Cholerophobia- Fear of anger or the fear of cholera.
    Chorophobia- Fear of dancing.
    Chrometophobia or Chrematophobia- Fear of money.
    Chromophobia or Chromatophobia- Fear of colors.
    Chronophobia- Fear of time.
    Chronomentrophobia- Fear of clocks.
    Cibophobia or Sitophobia or Sitiophobia- Fear of food.
    Claustrophobia- Fear of confined spaces.
    Cleithrophobia or Cleisiophobia- Fear of being locked in an enclosed
    Cleptophobia- Fear of stealing.
    Climacophobia- Fear of stairs, climbing or of falling downstairs.
    Clinophobia- Fear of going to bed.
    Clithrophobia or Cleithrophobia- Fear of being enclosed.
    Cnidophobia- Fear of strings.
    Cometophobia- Fear of comets.
    Coimetrophobia- Fear of cemeteries.
    Coitophobia- Fear of coitus.
    Contreltophobia- Fear of sexual abuse.
    Coprastasophobia- Fear of constipation.
    Coprophobia- Fear of feces.
    Coulrophobia- Fear of clowns.
    Counterphobia- The preference by a phobic for fearful situations.
    Cremnophobia- Fear of precipices.
    Cryophobia- Fear of extreme cold, ice or frost.
    Crystallophobia- Fear of crystals or glass.
    Cyberphobia- Fear of computers or working on a computer.
    Cyclophobia- Fear of bicycles.
    Cymophobia- Fear of waves or wave like motions.
    Cynophobia- Fear of dogs or rabies.
    Cypridophobia, Cypriphobia, Cyprianophobia, or Cyprinophobia - Fear of
    prostitutes or venereal disease.

    Decidophobia- Fear of making decisions.
    Defecaloesiophobia- Fear of painful bowels movements.
    Deipnophobia- Fear of dining and dinner conversations.
    Dementophobia- Fear of insanity.
    Demonophobia or Daemonophobia- Fear of demons.
    Demophobia- Fear of crowds. (Agoraphobia)
    Dendrophobia- Fear of trees.
    Dentophobia- Fear of dentists.
    Dermatophobia- Fear of skin lesions.
    Dermatosiophobia or Dermatophobia or Dermatopathophobia- Fear of skin
    Dextrophobia- Fear of objects at the right side of the body.
    Diabetophobia- Fear of diabetes.
    Didaskaleinophobia- Fear of going to school.
    Dikephobia- Fear of justice.
    Dinophobia- Fear of dizziness or whirlpools.
    Diplophobia- Fear of double vision.
    Dipsophobia- Fear of drinking.
    Dishabiliophobia- Fear of undressing in front of someone.
    Domatophobia or Oikophobia- Fear of houses or being in a house.
    Doraphobia- Fear of fur or skins of animals.
    Dromophobia- Fear of crossing streets.
    Dutchphobia- Fear of the Dutch.
    Dysmorphophobia- Fear of deformity.
    Dystychiphobia- Fear of accidents.

    Ecclesiophobia- Fear of church.
    Ecophobia- Fear of home.
    Eicophobia or Oikophobia- Fear of home surroundings.
    Eisoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors or of seeing oneself in a mirror.
    Electrophobia- Fear of electricity.
    Eleutherophobia- Fear of freedom.
    Elurophobia- Fear of cats. (Ailurophobia)
    Emetophobia- Fear of vomiting.
    Enetophobia- Fear of pins.
    Enochlophobia- Fear of crowds.
    Enosiophobia or Enissophobia- Fear of having committed an unpardonable
    sin or of criticism.
    Entomophobia- Fear of insects.
    Eosophobia- Fear of dawn or daylight.
    Epistaxiophobia- Fear of nosebleeds.
    Epistemophobia- Fear of knowledge.
    Equinophobia- Fear of horses.
    Eremophobia- Fear of being oneself or of lonliness.
    Ereuthrophobia- Fear of blushing.
    Ergasiophobia- 1) Fear of work or functioning. 2) Surgeon's fear of
    Ergophobia- Fear of work.
    Erotophobia- Fear of sexual love or sexual questions.
    Euphobia- Fear of hearing good news.
    Eurotophobia- Fear of female genitalia.
    Erythrophobia, Erytophobia or Ereuthophobia- 1) Fear of redlights. 2)
    Blushing. 3) Red.

    Febriphobia, Fibriphobia or Fibriophobia- Fear of fever.
    Felinophobia- Fear of cats. (Ailurophobia, Elurophobia, Galeophobia,
    Francophobia- Fear of France, French culture. (Gallophobia, Galiophobia)
    Frigophobia- Fear of cold, cold things.

    Galeophobia or Gatophobia- Fear of cats.
    Gallophobia or Galiophobia- Fear France, French culture. (Francophobia)
    Gamophobia- Fear of marriage.
    Geliophobia- Fear of laughter.
    Geniophobia- Fear of chins.
    Genophobia- Fear of sex.
    Genuphobia- Fear of knees.
    Gephyrophobia, Gephydrophobia, or Gephysrophobia- Fear of crossing
    Germanophobia- Fear of Germany, German culture, etc.
    Gerascophobia- Fear of growing old.
    Gerontophobia- Fear of old people or of growing old.
    Geumaphobia or Geumophobia- Fear of taste.
    Glossophobia- Fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak.
    Gnosiophobia- Fear of knowledge.
    Graphophobia- Fear of writing or handwriting.
    Gymnophobia- Fear of nudity.
    Gynephobia or Gynophobia- Fear of women.

    Hadephobia- Fear of hell.
    Hagiophobia- Fear of saints or holy things.
    Hamartophobia- Fear of sinning.
    Haphephobia or Haptephobia- Fear of being touched.
    Harpaxophobia- Fear of being robbed.
    Hedonophobia- Fear of feeling pleasure.
    Heliophobia- Fear of the sun.
    Hellenologophobia- Fear of Greek terms or complex scientific terminology.
    Helminthophobia- Fear of being infested with worms.
    Hemophobia or Hemaphobia or Hematophobia- Fear of blood.
    Heresyphobia or Hereiophobia- Fear of challenges to official doctrine or
    of radical deviation.
    Herpetophobia- Fear of reptiles or creepy, crawly things.
    Heterophobia- Fear of the opposite sex. (Sexophobia)
    Hierophobia- Fear of priests or sacred things.
    Hippophobia- Fear of horses.
    Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words.
    Hobophobia- Fear of bums or beggars.
    Hodophobia- Fear of road travel.
    Hormephobia- Fear of shock.
    Homichlophobia- Fear of fog.
    Homilophobia- Fear of sermons.
    Hominophobia- Fear of men.
    Homophobia- Fear of sameness, monotony or of homosexuality or of becoming
    Hoplophobia- Fear of firearms.
    Hydrargyophobia- Fear of mercurial medicines.
    Hydrophobia- Fear of water or of rabies.
    Hydrophobophobia- Fear of rabies.
    Hyelophobia or Hyalophobia- Fear of glass.
    Hygrophobia- Fear of liquids, dampness, or moisture.
    Hylephobia- Fear of materialism OR the fear of epilepsy.
    Hylophobia- Fear of forests.
    Hypengyophobia or Hypegiaphobia- Fear of responsibility.
    Hypnophobia- Fear of sleep or of being hypnotized.
    Hypsiphobia- Fear of height.

    Iatrophobia- Fear of going to the doctor or of doctors.
    Ichthyophobia- Fear of fish.
    Ideophobia- Fear of ideas.
    Illyngophobia- Fear of veritgo or feeling dizzy when looking down.
    Iophobia- Fear of poison.
    Insectophobia - Fear of insects.
    Isolophobia- Fear of solitude, being alone.
    Isopterophobia- Fear of termites, insects that eat wood.
    Ithyphallophobia- Fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect

    Japanophobia- Fear of Japanese.
    Judeophobia- Fear of Jews.

    Kainolophobia- Fear of novelty.
    Kainophobia- Fear of anything new, novelty.
    Kakorrhaphiophobia- Fear of failure or defeat.
    Katagelophobia- Fear of ridicule.
    Kathisophobia- Fear of sitting down.
    Kenophobia- Fear of voids or empty spaces.
    Keraunophobia- Fear of thunder and lightning.
    Kinetophobia or Kinesophobia- Fear of movement or motion.
    Kleptophobia- Fear of stealing.
    Koinoniphobia- Fear of rooms.
    Kolpophobia- Fear of genitals, particularly female.
    Kopophobia- Fear of fatigue.
    Koniophobia- Fear of dust. (Amathophobia)
    Kosmikophobia- Fear of cosmic phenomenon.
    Kymophobia- Fear of waves.
    Kynophobia- Fear of rabies.
    Kyphophobia- Fear of stooping.

    Lachanophobia- Fear of vegetables.
    Laliophobia or Lalophobia- Fear of speaking.
    Leprophobia or Lepraphobia- Fear of leprosy.
    Leukophobia- Fear of the color white.
    Levophobia- Fear of things to the left side of the body.
    Ligyrophobia- Fear of loud noises.
    Lilapsophobia- Fear of tornadoes and hurricanes.
    Limnophobia- Fear of lakes.
    Linonophobia- Fear of string.
    Liticaphobia- Fear of lawsuits.
    Lockiophobia- Fear of childbirth.
    Logizomechanophobia- Fear of computers.
    Logophobia- Fear of words.
    Luiphobia- Fear of lues, syphillis.
    Lutraphobia- Fear of otters.
    Lygophobia- Fear of darkness.
    Lyssophobia- Fear of rabies or of becoming mad.

    Macrophobia- Fear of long waits.
    Mageirocophobia- Fear of cooking.
    Maieusiophobia- Fear of childbirth.
    Malaxophobia- Fear of love play. (Sarmassophobia)
    Maniaphobia- Fear of insanity.
    Mastigophobia- Fear of punishment.
    Mechanophobia- Fear of machines.
    Medomalacuphobia- Fear of losing an erection.
    Medorthophobia- Fear of an erect penis.
    Megalophobia- Fear of large things.
    Melissophobia- Fear of bees.
    Melanophobia- Fear of the color black.
    Melophobia- Fear or hatred of music.
    Meningitophobia- Fear of brain disease.
    Menophobia- Fear of menstruation.
    Merinthophobia- Fear of being bound or tied up.
    Metallophobia- Fear of metal.
    Metathesiophobia- Fear of changes.
    Meteorophobia- Fear of meteors.
    Methyphobia- Fear of alcohol.
    Metrophobia- Fear or hatred of poetry.
    Microbiophobia- Fear of microbes. (Bacillophobia)
    Microphobia- Fear of small things.
    Misophobia- Fear of being contaminated with dirt of germs.
    Mnemophobia- Fear of memories.
    Molysmophobia or Molysomophobia- Fear of dirt or contamination.
    Monophobia- Fear of solitude or being alone.
    Monopathophobia- Fear of definite disease.
    Motorphobia- Fear of automobiles.
    Mottephobia- Fear of moths.
    Musophobia or Murophobia- Fear of mice.
    Mycophobia- Fear or aversion to mushrooms.
    Mycrophobia- Fear of small things.
    Myctophobia- Fear of darkness.
    Myrmecophobia- Fear of ants.
    Mysophobia- Fear of germs or contamination or dirt.
    Mythophobia- Fear of myths or stories or false statements.
    Myxophobia- Fear of slime. (Blennophobia)

    Nebulaphobia- Fear of fog. (Homichlophobia)
    Necrophobia- Fear of death or dead things.
    Negrophobia- Fear of Negros.
    Nelophobia- Fear of glass.
    Neopharmaphobia- Fear of new drugs.
    Neophobia- Fear of anything new.
    Nephophobia- Fear of clouds.
    Noctiphobia- Fear of the night.
    Nomatophobia- Fear of names.
    Nosocomephobia- Fear of hospitals.
    Nosophobia or Nosemaphobia- Fear of becoming ill.
    Nostophobia- Fear of returning home.
    Novercaphobia- Fear of your mother-in-law.
    Nucleomituphobia- Fear of nuclear weapons.
    Nudophobia- Fear of nudity.
    Numerophobia- Fear of numbers.
    Nyctohylophobia- Fear of dark wooded areas, of forests at night
    Nyctophobia- Fear of the dark or of night.

    Obesophobia- Fear of gaining weight.(Pocrescophobia)
    Ochlophobia- Fear of crowds or mobs.
    Ochophobia- Fear of vehicles.
    Octophobia - Fear of the figure 8.
    Odontophobia- Fear of teeth or dental surgery.
    Odynophobia or Odynephobia- Fear of pain. (Algophobia)
    Oenophobia- Fear of wines.
    Oikophobia- Fear of home surroundings, house.
    Olfactophobia- Fear of smells.
    Ombrophobia- Fear of rain or of being rained on.
    Ommetaphobia or Ommatophobia- Fear of eyes.
    Oneirophobia- Fear of dreams.
    Oneirogmophobia- Fear of wet dreams.
    Onomatophobia- Fear of hearing a certain word or of names.
    Ophidiophobia- Fear of snakes. (Snakephobia)
    Ophthalmophobia- Fear of being stared at.
    Optophobia- Fear of opening one's eyes.
    Ornithophobia- Fear of birds.
    Orthophobia- Fear of property.
    Osmophobia or Osphresiophobia- Fear of smells or odors.
    Ostraconophobia- Fear of shellfish.
    Ouranophobia- Fear of heaven.

    Pagophobia- Fear of ice or frost.
    Panthophobia- Fear of suffering and disease.
    Panophobia or Pantophobia- Fear of everything.
    Papaphobia- Fear of the Pope.
    Papyrophobia- Fear of paper.
    Paralipophobia- Fear of neglecting duty or responsibility.
    Paraphobia- Fear of sexual perversion.
    Parasitophobia- Fear of parasites.
    Paraskavedekatriaphobia: Fear of Friday the 13th.
    Parthenophobia- Fear of virgins or young girls.
    Pathophobia- Fear of disease.
    Patroiophobia- Fear of heredity.
    Parturiphobia- Fear of childbirth.
    Peccatophobia- Fear of sinning. (imaginary crime)
    Pediculophobia- Fear of lice.
    Pediophobia- Fear of dolls.
    Pedophobia- Fear of children.
    Peladophobia- Fear of bald people.
    Pellagrophobia- Fear of pellagra.
    Peniaphobia- Fear of poverty.
    Pentheraphobia- Fear of mother-in-law. (Novercaphobia)
    Peniaphobia- Fear of poverty.
    Phagophobia- Fear of swallowing or of eating or of being eaten.
    Phalacrophobia- Fear of becoming bald.
    Phallophobia- Fear of a penis, esp erect.
    Pharmacophobia- Fear of taking medicine.
    Phasmophobia- Fear of ghosts.
    Phengophobia- Fear of daylight or sunshine.
    Philemaphobia or Philematophobia- Fear of kissing.
    Philophobia- Fear of falling in love or being in love.
    Philosophobia- Fear of philosophy.
    Phobophobia- Fear of phobias.
    Photoaugliaphobia- Fear of glaring lights.
    Photophobia- Fear of light.
    Phonophobia- Fear of noises or voices or one's own voice; of telephones.
    Phronemophobia- Fear of thinking.
    Phthiriophobia- Fear of lice. (Pediculophobia)
    Phthisiophobia- Fear of tuberculosis.
    Placophobia- Fear of tombstones.
    Plutophobia- Fear of wealth.
    Pluviophobia- Fear of rain or of being rained on.
    Pneumatiphobia- Fear of spirits.
    Pnigophobia or Pnigerophobia- Fear of choking of being smothered.
    Pocrescophobia- Fear of gaining weight. (Obesophobia)
    Pogonophobia- Fear of beards.
    Poliosophobia- Fear of contracting poliomyelitis.
    Politicophobia- Fear or abnormal dislike of politicians.
    Polyphobia- Fear of many things.
    Poinephobia- Fear of punishment.
    Ponophobia- Fear of overworking or of pain.
    Potamophobia- Fear of rivers or running water.
    Potophobia- Fear of alcohol.
    Pharmacophobia- Fear of drugs.
    Proctophobia- Fear of rectum.
    Prosophobia- Fear of progress.
    Psellismophobia- Fear of stuttering.
    Psychophobia- Fear of mind.
    Psychrophobia- Fear of cold.
    Pteromerhanophobia- Fear of flying.
    Pteronophobia- Fear of being tickled by feathers.
    Pupaphobia - fear of puppets Pyrexiophobia- Fear of Fever.
    Pyrophobia- Fear of fire.

    Radiophobia- Fear of radiation, x-rays.
    Ranidaphobia- Fear of frogs.
    Rectophobia- Fear of rectum or rectal diseases.
    Rhabdophobia- Fear of being severely punished or beaten by a rod, or of
    being severely criticized. Also fear of magic.(wand)
    Rhypophobia- Fear of defecation.
    Rhytiphobia- Fear of getting wrinkles.
    Rupophobia- Fear of dirt.
    Russophobia- Fear of Russians.

    Sarmassophobia- Fear of love play. (Malaxophobia)
    Satanophobia- Fear of Satan.
    Scabiophobia- Fear of scabies.
    Scatophobia- Fear of fecal matter.
    Scelerophibia- Fear of bad men, burglars.
    Sciophobia Sciaphobia- Fear of shadows.
    Scoleciphobia- Fear of worms.
    Scolionophobia- Fear of school.
    Scopophobia or Scoptophobia- Fear of being seen or stared at.
    Scotomaphobia- Fear of blindness in visual field.
    Scotophobia- Fear of darkness. (Achluophobia)
    Scriptophobia- Fear of writing in public.
    Selaphobia- Fear of light flashes.
    Selenophobia- Fear of the moon.
    Seplophobia- Fear of decaying matter.
    Sesquipedalophobia- Fear of long words.
    Sexophobia- Fear of the opposite sex. (Heterophobia)
    Shamhainophobia: Fear of Halloween.
    Siderodromophobia- Fear of trains, railroads or train travel.
    Siderophobia- Fear of stars.
    Sinistrophobia- Fear of things to the left, left-handed.
    Sinophobia- Fear of Chinese, Chinese culture.
    Sitophobia or Sitiophobia- Fear of food or eating. (Cibophobia)
    Snakephobia- Fear of snakes. (Ophidiophobia)
    Soceraphobia- Fear of parents-in-law.
    Social Phobia- Fear of being evaluated negatively in social situations.
    Sociophobia- Fear of society or people in general.
    Somniphobia- Fear of sleep.
    Sophophobia- Fear of learning.
    Soteriophobia - Fear of dependence on others.
    Spacephobia- Fear of outer space.
    Spectrophobia- Fear of specters or ghosts.
    Spermatophobia or Spermophobia- Fear of germs.
    Spheksophobia- Fear of wasps.
    Stasibasiphobia or Stasiphobia- Fear of standing or walking.
    Staurophobia- Fear of crosses or the crucifix.
    Stenophobia- Fear of narrow things or places.
    Stygiophobia or Stigiophobia- Fear of hell.
    Suriphobia- Fear of mice.
    Symbolophobia- Fear of symbolism.
    Symmetrophobia- Fear of symmetry.
    Syngenesophobia- Fear of relatives.
    Syphilophobia- Fear of syphilis.

    Tachophobia- Fear of speed.
    Taeniophobia or Teniophobia- Fear of tapeworms.
    Taphephobia Taphophobia- Fear of being buried alive or of cemeteries.
    Tapinophobia- Fear of being contagious.
    Taurophobia- Fear of bulls.
    Technophobia- Fear of technology.
    Teleophobia- 1) Fear of definate plans. 2) Religious ceremony.
    Telephonophobia- Fear of telephones.
    Teratophobia- Fear of bearing a deformed child or fear of monsters or
    deformed people.
    Testophobia- Fear of taking tests.
    Tetanophobia- Fear of lockjaw, tetanus.
    Teutophobia- Fear of German or German things.
    Textophobia- Fear of certain fabrics.
    Thaasophobia- Fear of sitting.
    Thalassophobia- Fear of the sea.
    Thanatophobia or Thantophobia- Fear of death or dying.
    Theatrophobia- Fear of theatres.
    Theologicophobia- Fear of theology.
    Theophobia- Fear of gods or religion.
    Thermophobia- Fear of heat.
    Tocophobia- Fear of pregnancy or childbirth.
    Tomophobia- Fear of surgical operations.
    Tonitrophobia- Fear of thunder.
    Topophobia- Fear of certain places or situations, such as stage fright.
    Toxiphobia or Toxophobia or Toxicophobia- Fear of poison or of being
    accidently poisoned.
    Traumatophobia- Fear of injury.
    Tremophobia- Fear of trembling.
    Trichinophobia- Fear of trichinosis.
    Trichopathophobia or Trichophobia or Hypertrichophobia- Fear of hair.
    Triskadekaphobia- Fear of the number 13.
    Tropophobia- Fear of moving or making changes.
    Trypanophobia- Fear of injections.
    Tuberculophobia- Fear of tuberculosis.
    Tyrannophobia- Fear of tyrants.

    Uranophobia- Fear of heaven.
    Urophobia- Fear of urine or urinating.

    Vaccinophobia- Fear of vaccination.
    Venustraphobia- Fear of beautiful women.
    Verbophobia- Fear of words.
    Verminophobia- Fear of germs.
    Vestiphobia- Fear of clothing.
    Virginitiphobia- Fear of rape.
    Vitricophobia- Fear of step-father.

    Walloonphobia- Fear of the Walloons.
    Wicaphobia: Fear of witches and witchcraft.

    Xanthophobia- Fear of the color yellow or the word yellow.
    Xenophobia- Fear of strangers or foreigners.
    Xerophobia- Fear of dryness.
    Xylophobia- 1) Fear of wooden objects. 2) Forests.

    Zelophobia- Fear of jealousy.
    Zemmiphobia- Fear of the great mole rat.
    Zoophobia- Fear of animals.


    Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was
    softly sobbing.

    "Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

    "I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said
    the girl.

    When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

    "Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

    The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

    • Lay nude in your backyard and ask the gardner to probe you with his hoe.
    • Urinate into a thimble.
    • Learn to tolerate lukewarm spongebaths by forgoing your adored hot shower for a week and using one sink full of tepid water to clean yourself. Do not wash your hair, either!
    • Toothbrush? What's that?
    • Run your hand over a moving orbital sander while practicing your smile and repeating to yourself: "This is just mild discomfort."
    • Do not go grocery shopping for 2 weeks, and clear all real food out of the house.
    • Drink a quart of any house paint, preferably white. Then have someone try to force a slinky down your throat while you force yourself to breathe through your nose.
    • Get dressed in a paper tablecloth and stuff straws up your nose. Lie on a bus bench during the rush hour.
    • Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes. Alternately rub an ice cube over your chest, stab yourself with a knitting needle, and tie a necktie around your arm so tight it feels like it will fall off.
    • Get used to talking in the "We" mode, as in "How are we today?" "We are just fine, thank you."
    • Decorate a rolling coat tree with several strands of Christmas lights plus a bag of yellow liquid. Practice walking up and down crowded aisles in the grocery store wearing your paper tablecloth, worn terry robe, and paper slippers. Bonus points for doing this in the frozen food section.

    A Difficult Case

    Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over
    a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"

    The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy
    world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to
    die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter
    to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did
    anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter
    from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."

    "What was the result?"

    "It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but
    I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"


    Psych Discussion
    From the Metropolitan Diary section of THE NEW YORK TIMES 10/5/98

    It was a reception marking the end of hte academic year for graduating
    psychiatry residents. A man whose wife was one of the graduates was left
    on his own for a short time. The man, who wishes to remain anonymous, was
    surrounded by what he called a sophisticated group of well-known
    professors, residents, spouses andother members of the psychaitric
    community. He was amused and impressed at the exchange he overheard
    between two of the professors:

    Prof #1: "I want to apologize to you."

    Prof #2: "Oh really? For what?"

    Prof #1: "Well, over the past six months or so, I fell that I've been rather
    short with you. I haven't been supportive of your work and I don't think
    that I've treated you with the respect that you deserve. But I just wanted
    you to know that this has nothing to do with you. I've been having some
    personal problems and I never meant to bring these problems to work."

    Prof #2: "Oh no, no, no. Don't be silly. It's an honor to be the object
    of your transference."


    Psychiatric Medicine

    Psychiatrist to patient: "We've made great strides in your case Mr.
    Blumberg. Originally it was thought that phobias such as this were a
    result of a chemical imbalance in the brain. Now we've progressed to
    the point where we don't know what causes it."


    The Doctor is in the House

    "I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his

    "I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed
    that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very
    disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back
    to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and
    then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my
    appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this
    strange dream."

    The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding,
    "A Coke? You call that a breakfast?"


    Psychological Tests

    A patient goes to a psychiatrist for the first time and is given some
    tests. The psychiatrist draws a circle and says, "What does this make
    you think of?"


    The psychiatrist draws a tree and repeats his question.

    "Sex," the patient answers again.

    The psychiatrist proceeds to draw simple figures of all sorts... a
    house, a car, an apple, and so on... each time getting the same
    response. Sex, sex, and sex. Finally the psychiatrist says, "You have
    an obsession with sex."

    The patient says, "Me? You're the one who's drawing all those dirty


    Psychotherapist Business Troubles

    A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he
    started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford
    to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he
    told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above
    his shop entrance.

    But, instead of his business building up, it began to
    slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away
    from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided
    to check it out himself. Then he understood why !

    The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word
    into the 3 words :



    Real Excuses

    Have you exhausted the excuses for taking a day off? Are all your
    grannies dead? Does the boss no longer believe the one about the
    crippled aunt who keeps falling over?

    Well, then, try these! They're not *excuses*, they're *real*!

    AIR CONTROLLERS SYNDROME: Peptic ulcers occurring among air traffic
    controllers, as a result of job stress. {Illinois Medical Journal,

    ALOPECIA WALKMANIA: Loss of hair from prolonged use of personal
    stereo headphones. {Journal of the American Medical Association,

    ANCHORMAN GLAZE: Glazed-eye look of TV anchorman caused by looking at
    the teleprompter through glaring camera lights.
    {Syracuse, New York, TV station, 1960}

    ARTIC TEMPER: Extreme irritability developing amongst arctic
    explorers exposed to darkness, monotony, isolation and sensory
    {Lancet, 1910}

    BEER DRINKERS FINGER: Swelling, bluish discoloration and wasting of
    finger caused by placing pop-top beer can rings on finger. {JAMA,

    BINGO BRAIN: The headache associated with carbon monoxide
    intoxication which occurs after spending long hours in smoke filled
    bingo halls. {Canadian Medical Association, 1982}

    BIRDWATCHERS TWITCH: The nervous excitement of spotting a species for
    the first time. {New Scientist, 1982}

    BODY BUILDERS PSYCHOSIS: Psychotic episodes associated with the use
    of anabolic steroids; causing hallucinations, paranoid delusions,
    grandiose beliefs and manic-depressive symptoms. {Lancet, 1987}

    BOOKSELLERS BENDS: Sickness caused by changes in atmospheric pressure
    as the book the customer wants is always on the top shelf. {?}

    CASINO FEET: Soreness of the feet caused by standing in front of slot
    machines for long periods of time. {Wilmington Morning Star, 1981}

    CHICKEN NECK WRINGERS FINGER: Partial dislocation and arthritis of
    middle finger joint from continued use of this finger to dislocate
    chicken necks for slaughtering. {BMA Journal, 1955}

    CHRISTMAS DEPRESSION: Psychological stress during holidays related to
    the use of alcohol and social pressures. {JAMA, 1982}

    CREDIT-CARD-ITIS: Pain over the rear and down thigh due to pressure
    on nerve from a wallet stuffed with credit cards.
    {New England Medical Journal, 1966}

    DISCO DIGIT: A sore finger from snapping fingers while dancing.
    {New England Medical Journal}

    DOG WALKERS ELBOW: Pain caused by constant tension and tugs from a
    dog leash. {New England Medical Journal, 1979}

    flashing lights of electronic video games. {BMA Journal, 1982}

    ESPRESSO WRIST: Pain in espresso coffee machine operators from strong
    wrist motions required to make the coffee. {JAMA, 1956}

    FLIP-FLOP DERMATITIS: Skin disease on feet from wearing rubber flip-
    flops. {BMA Journal, 1965}

    FRISBEE FINGER: Cutting of finger from strenuous throwing of a
    frisbee. {New England Medical Journal, 1975}

    GOLF ARM: Shoulder and elbow pain after too many rounds of golf.
    {BMA Journal, 1896}

    HOOKERS ELBOW: Painful shoulder swelling suffered by fishermen
    repeatedly jerking upwards on a fishing line. {New England Medical
    Journal, 1981}

    HOUSWIFITIS: Nervous symptoms related to spending too much time
    managing a busy household. {Centrescope, 1976}

    HUMPERS LUMP: Swelling suffered by hotel porters from lugging heavy
    bags. {Diseases of Occupations, 1975}

    ICE-CREAM FROSTBITE: Frostbite on the lips from prolonged contact
    with ice-cream. {New England Medical Journal, 1982}

    JAZZ BALLET BOTTOM: Painful abscesses suffered by dancers who
    frequently spin on their bottoms. {Daily Telegraph, 1987}

    JEANS FOLLICULITIS: Irritation of the hair follicles from the waist
    down to the knees caused by ultra-tight jeans.
    {New England Medical Journal, 1981}

    JOYSTICK DIGIT: Trigger finger pain following prolonged use of video
    game joysticks. {JAMA, 1987}

    KNIFE SHARPENERS CRAMP: Painful hand swelling from sharpening too
    many knives. {Diseases of Occupations, 1975}

    LABEL LICKERS TONGUE: Ulcers in mouth from sensitivity to sticky
    labels. {Dangerous Trades, 1902}

    MONEY COUNTERS CRAMP: Painful seizure of muscles from counting too
    much cash. {English University Press, 1975}

    MOTORWAY BLUES: The sort of headaches noted by drivers on congested
    motorways. {BMA Journal, 1963}

    NUNS KNEE: Swelling of kneecap from repeated kneeling in prayer.
    {Diseases of Occupations, 1975}

    OYSTER SHUCKERS KERATITIS: Eye irritation from contact with fragments
    of oyster shells. {BMA Journal, 1896}

    PANTIE GIRDLE SYNDROME: Tingling or swelling of feet from wearing a
    too-tight pantie girdle. {BMA Journal, 1972}

    PLAYERS LIVER: The hazard of spending too long in the bar instead of
    playing the game. {Encyclopedia of Sports, 1971}

    QUICK-DRAW LEG: Bullet wound in leg from practicing fast draw from
    gun in belt holster. {JAMA, 1966}

    REFLEX HORN SYNDROME: Tendency for drivers waiting in traffic jams to
    toot horns. {New England Medical Journal, 1976}

    RETIRED HUSBAND SYNDROME: Tension, headaches, depression and anxiety
    felt by women whose husbands have just retired. {Western Journal of
    Medicine, 1984}

    SEAMSTRESSES BOTTOM: Hardening of skin following long-term trauma of
    rocking on the hips while operating a sewing machine. {American
    Family Physician, 1979}

    SICK SANTAS SYNDROME: Low back pain from lifting heavy children and
    parcels and acquired illnesses from multiple contact with kids.
    {JAMA, 1986}

    TELEVISION LEGS: Loss of normal flexibility of the legs from being
    in a chair in front of the box for too long. {JAMA, 1958}

    TOILET SEAT DERMATITIS: Skin irritation on rear from spending too
    much time on the toilet. {Archive of Dermatology, 1933}

    UNIFORM RASH: Skin irritation of neck, chest and arms from wearing
    new uniforms. {BMJ, 1973}

    VOLKSWAGEN DERMATITIS: Allergic skin reaction caused by rubber bumper
    guards. {Archive of Dermatology, 1971}

    WORKING WIFE SYNDROME: Fatigue, irritability, headaches and
    diminished sex drive from strain of doing two jobs. {Lancet, 1966}

    YOGA FOOT DROP: Paralysis of foot due to compounded pressure from
    practicing Yoga positions. {JAMA, 1971}


    The Pediatrician
    By Jim Rosenberg

    When one of the boys gets sick, it affects our whole family.

    With David and Jacob, we have each end of the bipolar sickness mood
    line. Allow me to use the dog analogy, first explained by me to Barbara
    at 3 in the morning while David uncorked a fabulous night of whine
    tasting. David is the classic "Big Mopey Dog" -- he gets all tired,
    feverish, and pathetic. He just wants to be held and occasionally
    whimper. This is sad, but not too sad. Barbara has always had the "80%
    Theory" about David: he would be perfect if he were 80% of what he is
    now. I don't like to ask her too much about the theory, because I
    believe it extends to other, adult people living in the house, some of
    whom may be typing this right now. Jacob is the "Little Yappy Dog" --
    he squirms and squawks and lures you right up close to him so he can
    issue the "Begin Spewing" command -- or at least open his bottomless
    mucous spigot and drain it onto your suit jacket.

    I often take the boys to the pediatrician, which is a stressful
    experience. First, David can be counted on to mother me. Despite our
    almost genderless family structure, David is deeply suspicious of my
    nurturing ability, and keeps mental track of my failures in this
    department. "Daddy," he begins. "Don't forget to take the checkbook.
    Last time, you didn't take the checkbook. Last time, that frowny-face
    lady said you owed money. Last time, you said you'd remember the
    checkbook..." Okay, okay! I'll remember the checkbook, now get off my
    back you three year old nag!"

    I am typically the only man at the place, except for parents who are
    obviously on their first visit with a newborn -- before the men have had
    time to come up with the really good excuses ("Must hunt food. Must
    kill beast."). When I open the door to the waiting room, the women look
    up and gasp as if it's Elvis.

    I cannot let it bother me, because my mind is 100% occupied with the
    instructions Barbara gave me. She, and only she, knows *exactly* what
    to tell the Doctor in order to get the medicine. This information is so
    complicated I've got to keep repeating it to myself so I don't forget
    (mucous green, fever for at least four days, poor appetite; mucous
    green, fever for...). If I mess up, I've got to grab a Doctor, hold my
    mechanical pencil up to his throat, and shout to the whole office:
    "Okay, everybody chill. Just give me the pink antibiotic stuff and
    nobody gets hurt. That's right, nice and easy."

    When David is being examined, he lets up on lecturing me and starts
    bossing around the Doctor for a bit. "You forgot to look in my ears to
    see if they're pink," he says -- barely hiding his disgust. I enjoy the
    break, and usually get a sympathetic look from the Doctor. Jacob, on
    the other hand, screams from check in to check out at the top of his
    lungs. When he is actually being examined, he hits a Minnie
    Ripperton-like high note which shatters the glass covering the Doctor's
    diploma. Then, he looks at me as if I've sold him out.

    I love the boys' pediatrician. He is an older doctor who I like to call
    "Metaphor Man." He has long since abandoned the awkward jargon of most
    physicians, and replaced it with a mind-blowing repertoire of metaphors
    for every possible sickness. I can't wait to get to the end of the
    visit so he can let me have it, in all it's vivid glory: "Mr.
    Rosenberg, David's cold here is like a train. We could try to run next
    to it as fast as we can, but all that would do is get us tired.
    Instead, we could let it run its course and guide it as best we can in
    the right direction." I have a weakness for this sort of stuff, and
    this guy is an absolute master. Every time I leave the office, I
    rededicate myself to becoming a more colorful writer.

    The problem is, when I get home Barbara asks me "what did the Doctor
    say?" My answer is usually "don't run next to a train." This doesn't
    sit well with the Mrs., who doesn't appreciate metaphors the way I do,
    and simply wants Jacob to stop retching on her navy blue wool blazer.

    I'm getting better at the sick thing, but I know I've still got a long
    way to go.


    What is the name of the Russian Doctor who performs sex-change
    It's Doctor Kutchakockof!

    Case Report:
    Unique Case of Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer's Syndrome

    Source: North Pole Journal of Medicine, vol 1 no.1, December 1998

    Author: Dr. Iman Elf, M.D.

    On January 2, 1998, Mr. C, an obese, white caucasian male, who
    appeared approximately 65 years old, but who could not accurately
    state his age, presented to my family practice office with complaints of
    generalized aches and pains, sore red eyes, depression, and general
    malaise. The patient's face was erythematic, and he was in mild
    respiratory distress, although his demeanor was jolly. He attributed
    these symptoms to being "not as young as I used to be, HO! HO!
    HO!", but thought he should have them checked out. The patient's
    occupation is delivering presents once a year, on December 25th, to
    many people worldwide. He flies in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer,
    and gains access to homes via chimneys. He has performed this work
    for as long as he can remember. Upon examination and ascertaining
    Mr. C's medical history, I have discovered what I believe to be a
    unique and heretofore undescribed medical syndrome related to this
    man's occupation and lifestyle, named Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-
    Deliverer's Syndrome, or ASBPDS for short.

    Medical History: Mr. C. admits to drinking only once a year, and only
    when someone puts rum in the eggnog left for him to consume during
    his working hours. However, I believe his bulbous nose and
    erythematic face may indicate long-term ethanol abuse. He has
    smoked pipe tobacco for many years, although workplace regulations
    at the North Pole have forced him to cut back to one or two pipes per
    day for the last 5 years. He has had no major illnesses or surgeries in
    the past. He has no known allergies.
    Travel history is extensive, as he visits nearly every location in the
    world annually. He has had all his immunizations, including all
    available vaccines for tropical diseases. He does little exercise and
    eats large meals with high sugar and cholesterol levels, and a high
    percentage of calories derived from fat (he subsists all year on food he
    collects on Dec. 25, which consists mainly of eggnog, Cola drinks, and
    cookies). Family history was unavailable, as the patient could not
    name any relatives.

    Physical Examination and Review of Systems, With Social/Occupational
    Correlates: The patient wears corrective lenses, and has 20/80
    vision. His conjunctivae were hyperalgesic and erythematous, and
    Fluorescein staining revealed numerous randomly occurring corneal
    abrasions. This appears to be caused by dust, debris, and other
    particles which strike his eyes at high velocity during his flights.
    He has headaches nearly every day, usually starting half way through
    the day, and worsened by stress.

    He had extensive ecchymoses, abrasions, lacerations, and first-degree
    burns on his head, arms, legs, and back, which I believe to be caused
    mainly by trauma experienced during repeated chimney descents and
    falls from his sleigh. Collisions with birds during his flight, gunshot
    wounds (while flying over the Los Angles area) and bites consistent
    with reindeer teeth may also have contributed to these wounds.
    Patches of leukoderma and anesthesia on his nose, cheeks, penis, and
    distal digits are consistent with frostbite caused by periods of
    hypothermia during high-altitude flights. He had a blood pressure of
    150/95, a heart rate of 90 beats/minute, and a respiratory rate of 40. He
    has had shortness of breath for several years, which worsens during
    exertion. He has no evidence of acute cardiac or pulmonary failure,
    but it was my opinion that he is quite unfit due to his mainly sedentary
    lifestyle and poor eating habits which, along with his stress, smoking,
    and male gender, place him at high risk for coronary heart disease,
    myocardial infarction, emphysema and other problems. Blood tests
    subsequently revealed higher-than-normal CO levels, which I attribute
    to smoke inhalation during chimney descent into non-extinguished
    fireplaces. He has experienced chronic back pain for several years. A
    neurological examination was consistent with a mild herniation of his
    L4-L5 or L5-S1 disk, which probably resulted from carrying a heavy
    sack of toys, enduring bumpy sleigh rides, and his jarring feet-first
    falls to the bottom of chimneys. Mr. C. had a swollen left scrotum,
    which, upon biopsy, was diagnosed as scrotal cancer, the likely
    etiology being the soot from chimneys.

    Psychiatric Examination and Social/Occupational Correlates: Mr. C's
    depression has been chronic for several years. I do not believe it to be
    organic in nature-rather, he has a number of unresolved issues in his
    personal and professional life which cause him distress. He exhibits
    long-term amnesia, and cannot recall any events more than 5 years ago.
    This may be due to a repressed psychological trauma he experienced,
    head trauma, or, more likely, the mythical nature of his existence.
    Although the patient has a jolly demeanor, he expresses profound
    unhappiness. He reports anger at not receiving royalties for the
    widespread commercial use of his likeness and name. Although he
    reports satisfaction with the sex he has with his wife, I sense he may
    feel erotic impulses when children sit on his lap, and I worry he may
    have pedophillic tendencies. This could be the subconscious reason
    he employs only vertically-challenged workers ("elfs"), but I believe
    his hiring practices are more likely a reaction formation due to body-
    image problems stemming from his obesity.

    The patient feels annoyed and worried when he is told many people
    do not believe he exists, and I feel this may develop into a serious
    identity crisis if not dealt with. He reports great stress over having to
    choose which gifts to give to children, and a feeling of guilt and
    inadequacy over the decisions he makes as to which children are
    "naughty" and "nice". Because he experiences total darkness lasting
    many months during winter at the North Pole, Seasonal Affective
    Disorder (SAD) may be a contributor to his depression.

    Treatment and Counselling: All Mr. C's wounds were cleaned and
    dressed, and he was prescribed an antibiotic ointment for his eyes. A
    referral to a physiotherapist was made to ameliorate his disk problem.
    On February 9, a bilateral orchidectomy was performed, and no further
    cancer has been detected as of this writing. He was counselled to
    wash soot from his body regularly, to avoid lit-fire chimney descents
    where practicable, and to consider switching to a closed-sleigh,
    heated, pressurized sleigh. He refused suggestions to add a helmet
    and protective accessories to his uniform. He was put on a high-fibre,
    low cholesterol diet, and advised to reduce his smoking and drinking.
    He has shown success with these lifestyle changes so far, although it
    remains to be seen whether he will be able to resist the treats left out
    for him next Christmas. He visits a psychiatrist weekly, and reports
    doing "Not too bad, HO! HO! HO!".

    Conclusions: Physicians, when presented with aerial sleigh-borne
    present-deliverers exhibiting more than a few of these symptoms,
    should seriously consider ASBPDS as their differential diagnosis. I
    encourage other physicians with access to patients working in allied
    professions (e.g.Nightly Teeth-Purchasers or Annual Candied Egg
    Providers) to investigate whether analogous anatomical/
    physiological/ psychological syndromes exist. The happiness of
    children everywhere depend on effective management of these


  1. You've got enough Prozac in your purse to tranquilize King Kong.
  2. You really lose it whenever someone says, "Good morning."
  3. You spend more time in bed than a hooker at a Shriners convention.
  4. You keep your house so dark that mushrooms are growing in the carpet.
  5. Given a choice, you'd have no preference between sex or a root canal.
  6. On a really bad day, you wouldn't come to the door if it was Publishers Clearing House.
  7. You list Dr. Kevorkian as a character reference.
  8. Alcohol gives you strength and food settles your nerves.
  9. Your hands shake so badly that you can brush your teeth without any voluntary movement.

    • He calls you at two in the morning "just to talk."
    • Instead of rubber surgical gloves he wears oven mitts.
    • He keeps accidentally referring to himself as "the defendant."
    • After examining you, he says, "Now do me."
    • He thinks Eastern Medicine was developed in Long Island.
    • He keeps accidentally referring to your legs as "drumsticks."
    • His examination room is Room 201 at the No-Tell Motel.
    • He introduces you to his anesthesiologist, "Doctor Jim Beam."
    • Before surgery, he asks if you want this "to go."
    • He tries to color your X-rays with crayons.


    Cigarette smoke is the residue of your pleasure. It permeates the air and
    putrifies my hair and clothes, not to mention my lungs. This takes place
    without my consent. I have a pleasure also. I like a beer now and again.
    The residue from my pleasure is urine. Would you be annoyed if I stood on
    a chair and pissed on your head and clothes without your consent?



    1000 Americans quit smoking each day - by dying!


    A Hospital to Avoid

    South African Health - Pelonomi Hospital
    Date: 26 July 1996 10:08

    "For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a dead
    patient in the same bed every Friday morning" a spokeswoman for
    the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters.
    "There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive
    checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible
    bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues." "However,
    further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths.
    It seems that every Friday morning a cleaner would enter the
    ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support
    system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go
    about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would
    plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the
    patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams
    and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher.

    "We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in
    question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department
    is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there
    should be no repetition of this incident. The enquiry is now

    from (Cape Times, 6/13/96)
    BTW, the headline of the newspaper story was, "Cleaner Polishes
    Off Patients."


    Female Pharmacist

    A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.

    The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

    The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

    The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

    The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

    When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.


    Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.

    Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.

    A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

    The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

    Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

    After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"


    This guy is suffering from extereme abdominal pain so he goes to the
    The doctor says that the problem is serious, but with medicated rectal
    inserts the problem should go away. After the inital insertion, the
    Doctor explains that the second should be inserted before bed.

    That night, before he goes to bed, the man attempts to insert the
    After about 15 unsuccessful tries he calls his wife for help. His wife
    puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the medicine. He lets out a
    scream. 'Did I hurt you?' his wife asks.

    "No, but when I was at the doctor's, he had TWO hands on my

    There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's
    convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from
    across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you
    know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.

    After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his
    hotel room.

    ''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.''

    After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished,
    she washes her hands again.

    This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You
    know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.''

    Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an
    anasthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''

    There was a doctor that had been having sex with a number of his
    patients, and he started to feel guilty. Then a little voice inside
    his head said, "You're not the only doctor that screws his patients."
    That made him feel a bit better. Until another little voice said, "But
    most of them aren't vets."

    The Rules of EMS
    1. Skin signs tell all.
    2. Sick people don't bitch.
    3. Air goes in and out, blood goes round and round, any variation on this is
    a bad thing.
    4. About 80% of the battery patients deserved it.
    5. The more equipment you see on a EMTs belt, the newer they are.
    6. If you drop the baby pick it up.
    7. When dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good
    saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
    8. All bleeding stops....eventually.
    9. All people will eventually die, no matter what you do.
    10. If the child is quiet, be scared.
    11. Always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes.
    12. If the patient vomits in the rig try to hold thier head to the side of the rig
    with the disposable equipment, not the stuff you have to clean.
    13. If someone dies by chemical hazards, electrical shocks or other on-scene
    dangers it should be the patient, not you.
    14. Any EMT, FF, LEO and/or scene chief who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient
    is the real problem.
    15. There will be problems.
    16. You can't cure stupid.
    17. If it's wet and sticky and not yours, leave it alone!
    18. If at all possible, avoid any edible item that firefighters prepare,
    especially the tuna casserole.
    19. Heaven protects Fools and Drunks.
    20. EMS is extended periods of intense boredom, interrupted by occasional
    moments of sheer terror.
    21. Every Emergency has three phases Panic, Fear, and Remorse.
    22. You are bound to get a call either during dinner, while you are on the
    can, or at 02:00 in the middle of a great dream.
    23. Rocket scientists that get into car crashes are the first ones
    to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
    24. The severity of the injury(s) is directly proportional to the difficulty in accessing, as well as the weight, of the patient.
    25. Turret mounted machine guns would work better than lights and sirens.
    26. Make sure the rookie EMT knows that a med patch is a radio term, and
    not a medicated bandage.
    27. Paramedics save lives; But it's EMT skills that save
    28. When a patient vomits outside, be sure to aim it at the citizens who
    wouldn't back up.
    29. Never trust your rig, drug box, or airway bag to be fully stocked. In spite of the assurances of the offgoing crew.
    30. If you don't have it, don't give up, Adapt, Improvise, Overcome, (then call
    for a second unit).
    31. There is no such thing as a "textbook case"
    32. Newbies always look for large things in the smallest compartments and
    vice versa.
    33. There is no such thing as a bad call. Only calls that didn't go the way
    you planned.
    36. If there are no drunks at an MVA after midnight, keep looking, some one
    is missing.
    37. Just cause your paranoid does not mean the Supervisor isn't around the
    38. Remember what MICN stands for, "May I interrupt your Call Now?".
    39. Just because someone's license date is before yours does not mean they
    know what they are doing.
    40. Newbies have there own way of doing things.


    • FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!

    • And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

    • Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

    • Uh-oh.

    • I don't know where that came from! Just put it over there.

    • Better crank up that anesthesia.

    • I don't think that was supposed to come off.

    • Gonna have to stop here, his insurance won't pay for the rest.

    • Well, it's five o'clock! We'll just put this off till tomorrow.

    • Hey....maybe the janitor knows what this is.

    • Cool! These colors are giving me flashbacks.

    A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.


    A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

    He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

    His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.

    He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting - "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"


    Q: What is the difference between a brain surgeon and God?

    A: God doesn't think he's a brain surgeon!

    Once there were three surgeons engaged in conversation. They got on the topic of their occupation and each stated who they liked to operate on.

    The first doctor said, "I like to work on electricians."

    "Why?" the others replied.

    He answered, "When you open them up, they are all color coded so you know where everything goes."

    The second doctor said, "I like to work on librarians."

    "Why?" the other doctors asked.

    He replied, "Librarians are all orgainized in a sophisticated pattern."

    The third doctor said, "Well, I like to work on lawyers."

    "Lawyers?!" replied the others suprised.

    "Yes, Lawyers" he stated.

    "But why?" they asked him.

    "Well, they are gutless, they have no spine, and their heads and butts are interchangable."



    Tombstone of an insomniac: I'm cured.

    Tombstone of a hypochondriac: I told you I was sick.


    Top Ten Signs You Need a New HMO

    10. When you visit, they sing, "We're in the money, we're in the money..."

    9. They have one hypodermic for each patient...and use it every year.

    8. The x-ray machine is an intern with a flashlight.

    7. No-one speaks English.

    6. The date on the medicine bottle does not was printed before
    the "new" laws took effect.

    5. They take your temperature and ask you drop your pants first...

    4. You have a severe coronary, and they give you an appointment in two weeks.

    3. The podiatrist is the same guy who loaded your bags at the airport.

    2. The diplomas on the wall are all from a local high school and include
    a 7th grade science project award.

    1. Patients check in, but you have not seen anyone leave...


    Types of Doctors

    There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they
    can be differentiated by the following method:

    General practitioners know nothing and do little.

    Surgeons know little and do everything.

    Internists knows everything and do nothing.

    Pathologists know everything and can do everything,
    but it's usually too late.

    ..and then we have Shrinks who cure deams...or dream cures.


    Viruses Are Comin' To Town
    a parody of the song Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town
    New Lyrics by

    You better watch out;
    You better not sneeze.
    You better not cough,
    'Cause you'll spread a disease....
    Viruses are comin' to town.
    They have many shapes
    And sizes as well,
    But they don't come alive
    'Til they enter a cell....
    Viruses are comin' to town.

    Their protein coat surrounds a core
    Of R- or D-N-A.
    They're so minute, there's not much more
    About them you can say.... Hey!

    They're hard to avoid,
    Though people have tried.
    It's too late now;
    There's nowhere to hide....
    Viruses are comin' to town.


    Hello! Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!

    • If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
    • If you are Codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
    • If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
    • If you are Paranoid, we know who you are. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
    • If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
    • If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
    • If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
    • If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
    • If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
    • If you have short-term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
    • If you have Low Self-Esteem, just hang up. None of our representatives would talk to someone like you!

    "This should be taken care of right away."
    I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

    "Welllllll, what have we here...?"
    He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

    "Let me check your medical history."
    I want to see if you paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.

    "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
    I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time..or..I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

    "I have some good news and some bad news."
    The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

    "Let's see how it develops."
    Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

    "Let me schedule you for some tests."
    I have 40% interest in the lab.

    "I'd like to have my associate look at you." 
    He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle. 

    "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
    I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

    "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
     I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

    "That's quite a nasty looking wound."
    I think I'm going to throw up.

    "This may smart a little."
    Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

    "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
    I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

    "This should fix you up."
    The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

    "Everything seems to be normal."
    Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

    "I'd like to run some more tests."
    I can't figure out what's wrong maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

    "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
    You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me..."

    "There is a lot of that going around."
    My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

    "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
    I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week!


    While at the Dentist
    by Russell Baker
    as appeared in the New
    York Times, December 4, 1998

    If G-d had truly made man in His own image, as widely alleged, there would
    be no dentists. No designer in his right mind, much less a perfect and
    omnipotent G-d, would have settled for teeth at the top of the human
    eating mechanism.

    Had some draftsman shown Him blueprints featuring a tooth- equipped jaw,
    G-d would surely have said, "Pshaw! I can do better than that," and that
    would have been the end of teeth.

    Instead, I spent two hours the other day with a mouth full of cotton,
    metal, slowly hardening plastics, rubber gloves and a variety of other
    people's fingers. After the usual moment of self-pity, I tried lifting a
    sinking spirit the good old-fashioned way; to wit, by looking on the
    bright side.

    Suppose man had no teeth. Would politics be possible without teeth
    flashing to mask faces terrifying with insincerity? What would have become
    of the Kennedys, of Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Carter, Nelson Rockefeller, Teddy

    Think of George Washington with his famous false teeth and painfully
    clamped lips. Father of our country he may have been, but he lacked teeth
    that dazzle. Isn't this why Americans have always felt uneasy toward him,
    never comfortable as they feel toward toothy rascals we constantly vote
    for while blinded by the glare of their teeth?

    A world without teeth? It would mean lovers on tube and screen preparing
    to kiss with no sparkling incisors and canines to bare to the camera.

    Today's entertainment lovers go at each other with widely parted jaws and
    dripping teeth, like those lions on PBS that are always chewing on poor,
    helpless wildebeests.

    A world without teeth? We'd be denied Dracula movies and the radio wit of
    the great Fred Allen sponsored by Ipana for the smile of beauty and Sal
    Hepatica for the smile of health.

    With no toothpicks pouring off the factory line, how could we tell when
    the cake is done?

    Yes, it is thin stuff, and two hours is long. The dental chamber, however,
    offered another distraction: television.

    The set, mounted at ceiling height with its greedy salesman's eye staring
    down, was tuned to one of those perpetual news channels. This day there
    was no perpetual news, just perpetual olds:

    Two Congressmen spoke of their respect for the Constitution. Snow was
    falling on Western mountains. Children had murdered their parents. Parents
    had murdered their children. President Clinton had let photographers show
    him exuding the look of leadership. Movie stars were having children out
    of wedlock. Extravagantly paid athletes said they were being

    Forced to watch this for two hours, I was astonished by the intense
    concentration on money. Commercial after commercial urged viewers to turn
    over money to this or that bank, this or that brokerage house, the implied
    promise being that the money would be miraculously multiplied by financial

    Did banks and brokers advertise constantly -- or at all -- on TV before
    the present Golden Age of Money? Beer, cars, soda pop, aspirin tablets
    were TV's lifeblood in my youth.

    The typical TV addict of those years would have been hard pressed even to
    say what a broker did or why a bank should be considered trustworthy if it
    paid you 2 percent for your money and lent it back at 12 percent.

    It was as depressing as a Novocain needle to sit there awash in all this
    appalling evidence that so many lives are now consecrated to the money
    game. All those brokerage-house commercials! There must now be millions
    and millions of people willing to let Wall Street desperadoes handle their

    Money, money, money, money was apparently the perpetual news. There were
    minute-by-minute bulletins from Wall Street. The Dow was up, the Dow was
    down, the Dow was steadying. The Nasdaq was down, up, down, up, down . . .

    Actors posing as bankers and brokers were pleading for money and promising
    happiness, which apparently would ensue once you were chin deep in money.
    Was it for this that Americans died at the Alamo? And won the battle of
    Midway? And heroically suffer the consequences of faulty jaw design?


    A woman is at a doctor's office. She begs the doctor, "Please kiss

    The doctor says, "No!"

    She asks again, "Doctor please kiss me."

    The doctor says, "No!"

    Once more she begs the doctor: "Doctor please kiss me!"

    The doctor says, "No! I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."

  11. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.

  12. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

  13. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An apple a day."

  14. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

  15. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

  16. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

  17. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little "M"s on them.

  18. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

  19. Exam room has a tip jar.

  20. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

  21. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.

  22. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

  23. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.

  24. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park,"

  25. 24-hour pre-authorization line is 1-800-GUD-LUCK.

  26. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.

    You Might Be a Nurse If ...

    You avoid unhealthy looking peoples in the mall for fear that they'll
    drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

    It doesn't bother you to eat a candy bar with one hand while performing
    digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand.

    You've had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings
    say, "I'm afraid of shots."

    You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.

    You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage.

    You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.

    You have your weekends off planned a year in advance.

    You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food.

    You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.


  28. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal is perfectly normal to you.

  29. You find humor in other people's stupidity.

  30. You believe in serial spraying of Prozac.

  31. Your idea of comforting a child is placing him in a papoose restraint.

  32. You believe that "Shallow Gene Pool" should be a diagnosis.

  33. You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce.

  34. You think unspeakable evil will befall you is anyone says: "Boy, it sure is quiet around here."

  35. When you are out in public, you compliment complete strangers on their veins.

  36. You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide - Getting It Right The First Time."

  37. You have ever had to leave a patient's room before laughing hysterically.

  38. You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

  39. You have ever restrained someone, and it was not a sexual experience.

  40. You commonly utter the phrase: "What changed tonight at 2am that made this emergency after 6 months?!"

  41. You believe that "Too Stupid To Live" should be a diagnosis.

  42. You think putting a Valium salt lick in the ER waiting room is a novel idea.

  43. When you mention vegetables, you are not thinking of a food group.

  44. You have been exposed to so many x-rays you don't even bother with birth control.

  45. You have used the words "Healthcare Reform" to strike fear in the hearts of your co-workers.

  46. You have heard, "Why, I don't know how that got stuck there" too many times.

    but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.

    Exercise 1:
    Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

    Exercise 2:
    Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

    Exercise 3:
    Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again. You are now properly prepared.


    You're so ugly that when you were born, the doctor looked at your
    mom and said, ''This is going to cost extra if I have to touch its