Ethnic Indian

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    Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides
    of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf
    before the end, bash up the villain (who is the *real* bad guy), and be
    pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is
    possible only if he has a heroine - see rule 2 below).
    If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess
    heroes/heroines will a) die b) join the Red Cross and take off to
    Switzerland before the end of the movie.
    If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for
    at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).
    Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it
    is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be overruled. Else, it will be
    The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the
    second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30
    minutes, and commit suicide.
    In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a
    bullock-cart, or on foot.
    When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never 
    a) miss 
    b) run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always
    miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule 2).
    Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of a) pots
    b) barrels c) glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.
    Any movie involving lost and found brothers will have a song sung by 
    a) the brothers 
    b) their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain
    her sight in the climax) 
    c) the family dog/cat.
    Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in two categories:
    a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father - killedby the villain
    before the titles.
    b) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in Rule 1), saying "Tum
    kanoon se bach nahin sakte", only to pat him in the back in reel 23.
    Usually, this inspector's daughter is in love with the anti-hero.
    c) The corrupt inspector, (usually the real villain's sidekick)
    unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax.



    10. Marrying a blond is a sin. Making love to a blond is a partial sin.

    9.  Pre-marital sex is a sin. Marital sex is a partial sin.

    8.  Taking dowry is a sin. Giving dowry is a partial sin.

    7.  Bullying one's wife is a sin. Having to submit is a partial sin.

    6.  Gambling is a sin. Playing cards is a partial sin.

    5.  Drinking is a sin. Smoking is a partial sin.

    4.  Eating beef is a sin. Eating pork is a partial sin.

    3.  Hurting a cow is a sin. Hurting insects is a partial sin.

    2.  Not phoning home is a sin. Running up a huge bill is a partial sin.

    1.  Forgetting first language is a sin. Speaking with an accent is a
    partial sin.




    Everybody knows that 365 is the number of days in a year,
    Stephen Hawking's I.Q. and Gary Sober's highest score in Tests. But there's more
    to 365 than these pieces of statistical value, as you will find when you read
    365 IS ALSO THE . . .

    Number of times that P.V.
    Narasimha Rao has bothered to smile in his
    entire life.
    Number of ideas in Shekhar Suman's 'Movers
    and Shakers' that are directly ripped-off
    from Jay Leno's 'Tonight Show'.
    Number of people in India who have not
    seen Madhuri Dixit's navel.
    Number of issues of "Indian
    Express", in a year, that feature stories with
    weird, sensational headlines like "Dog
    Eats Car", "Girl jumps 11,463
    feet" or "Aliens found in Domino's
    Pizza carton".
    Average monthly salary of an
    employee at Asian Jokes Online.
    Number of incredibly stupid
    public statements made by Laloo Prasad Yadav every
    Total number of pointless,
    green flyovers that Chennai will probably have by the year 2005.
    Number of gaudy, overstated,
    ugly accessories that Bappi Lahiri wears
    every day.
    Approximate number of Indian
    dotcom companies which started up without even
    an original idea, in the past ten seconds.

    This article courtesy For more like this, please visit


    The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no
    one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree
    was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people
    revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of
    the reign being called on account of the game.


    A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
    He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to
    "Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me
    win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
    The Sardarji goes back to the synagogue. "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business,
    my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!!
    Back to the temple... "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my
    house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
    Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
    Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarhi is confronted by the voice of the God:


    Surinder's uncle was booked into an SIA flight to Bombay. But as this was his
    first time in an airplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place.
    When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle
    declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge
    me for food and drinks!" 
    So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading
    out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American
    history researcher, who was curious about the food. "Excuse me, what is
    that drink?" he asked. 
    The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of
    The the uncle took out several pieces of chapattis and started feasting.
    "And what is that dish?" asked the curious American. 
    "Wheat of India!" replied the uncle proudly. 
    Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the
    "What is it?" asked the American. 
    "Sweet of India!" replied the old man. 
    After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud "Pooooooooot!"
    from the uncle. 
    "What was that?" asked the American in disgust. 
    The old man replied coolly, "That's Air India!"


    Here are a few things that could happen:

    Mohini Devi, a housewife from Bihar sues PM for 1 Crore Rupees for
    sexually molesting her. She alleges that during his election campaign in
    Punjab he made overtures and advances of indecent nature - he kept saying
    "Hame karna hai!" Reports say she is open to an out of the court
    J H Patel says India should reduce the number of visas issued to 'aliens'.
    Demands cut in the number of American engineers being admitted into the
    country says the whites ('Caucasian-Indians') are 'stealing' away the local
    Sports: Bombay 'Bombers' beat Madras 'Sambars' 3 - 0 in a 5 game cricket
    tournament. Sachin Tendulkar says he wont be playing for Bombers from next
    season, as the Bihar 'Lalloos' have offered him 50 lakh more to play for
    Tonight on Zee TV: Kabaddi world series live! over 4 countries from around
    the world participating in his fast-becoming popular sport. Last time -
    runner ups Germany looking to beat current champions Bangladesh. (as usual,
    India is nowhere in the picture!)
    Fringe: Woman sues fast food restaurant chain TFC (Tandoori Fried Chicken)
    because the 'Chai' served to her was so hot that she burnt her lips.
    Techno: Shiv Nadar says his company's 'Khidkiyan 98' operating system
    could become the de facto standard, beating Microsoft's Windows operating
    system, since it is a copy of a more advanced Macintosh OS.
    India deports 250 'American - Indian' illegal aliens after they are found
    working in a saree manufacturing sweat shop in Dharavi.
    Hurricane "Bawandar" expected to lash the Andhra coast around
    1300 hrs IDT. Watch minute by minute progress live on Doordarshan.
    Amidst much controversy the Desi Gay Activists open a gay bar in calcutta
    called "Bar-Bar"
    San Francisco: Protesters demanded the shut down of fast food chain 'Udupi'
    which was becoming immensely popular with the younger generation. "Its
    not just the food" says Martha Smith, a housewife, "its the
    lifestyle that our children adopt with it - wearing lungis, listening to
    Karnatic music, lighting lamps and firecrackers on Halloween!".



    There was once a Indian and an Pakistani who lived next door to each other.
    The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one
    of his hen's eggs for breakfast. 
    One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the
    Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Pakistani pick
    up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told him that the egg
    belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani disagreed because the
    egg was laid on his property. 
    They argued for a while until finally the Indian said, "In my family we
    normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and
    time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and
    time how long it takes for me to get up, who ever gets up quicker wins the
    The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest pair of
    boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Pakistani
    and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Pakistani fell to the floor
    clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. 
    Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick
    The Indian said, "Keep the damn egg!"


    Santa and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Patiyala to New Delhi. The lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun
    game. Santa, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and
    explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me fifty rupees, and
    vice versa." 
    Again, Santa declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay
    me Rs. 50, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you Rs. 5000." 
    This catches Santa's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's
    the distance from the earth to the moon?" 
    Santa doesn't say a word, reaches into his purse, pulls out a Rs. 50 bill, and hands it to the
    lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." Santa asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back with four legs?" 
    The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no
    answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends
    e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour,
    he wakes Santa and hands him Rs. 5000. Santa thanks him and turns back to
    get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs Santa and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" 
    Without a word, Santa reaches into his purse, hands the lawyer Rs. 50, and goes back to sleep. And you
    thought Sardars were dumb.


    Application Form To Be Filled For Contesting Indian Elections
    1. Name of Candidate : _______________________ 
    2. Present Address 
    (i) Name of Jail : _______________________ 
    (ii) Cell Number : _______________________ 
    3. Political Party : _______________________ (List ONLY the Last Five parties
    in the Chronological (Order) 
    4. Sex: [ ] 
    A - Male 
    B - Female 
    C - Mayawati 
    5. Nationality: [ ] 
    A - Italian 
    B - Indian 
    6. Reasons for leaving last party (circle one or more) 
    A - Defected 
    B - Expelled 
    C - Bought out 
    D - None of above 
    E - All of above 
    7. Reasons for contesting elections (circle one or more) 
    A - To make money 
    B - To escape court trial 
    C - To grossly misuse power 
    D - To serve the public 
    E - I have no clue (if you choose "D, attach Certificate of Sanity from a
    Recognized Government Psychiatrist) 
    8. How many years of public service experience do you possess? 
    A - 1-2 yrs 
    B - 2-6yrs 
    C - 6-15yrs 
    D - 15+yrs 
    9. Give details of any criminal cases pending against you (Use as many
    Additional Sheets as you want) 
    10. How many years have you spent in Jail? [ ] (Do not confuse with question
    A - 1-2 years 
    B - 2-6 years 
    C - 6-15 years 
    D - 15+years 
    11. Are you involved in any financial scams? [ ] 
    A - Why not 
    B - Of Course 
    C - Definitely 
    D - I deny it all 
    E - I see a foreign hand. 
    12. What is your Annual Corruption Income? [ ] 
    A - 100-500 Crores 
    B - 500-1000 Crores 
    C - Overflow... (Convert all your $ earning from Hawala etc to Rupees) 
    13. Do you have any developmental plans for India in mind? [ ] 
    A - No 
    B - No 
    C - No 
    D - No 
    14. Describe your achievements in space provided: [_________] 
    Thumb Impression of candidate (Not that of the person who filled the form)


    A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little
    late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face -- some even look a
    little frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the room.

    "What's the matter?" he asked

    "Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news."

    "What's the bad news?"

    "India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site;
    Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them both
    that this could lead to regional war -- that may go nuclear."

    "Oh my God, what could be worse than that?"

    "Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra."


    If you are a typical, single, Indian man who lives in the USA, the time will
    come when it will dawn on you that the only chance you have to indulge in wedded
    bliss lies in the hallowed institution of the "Arranged Marriage". You
    probably left India when you were twenty-one, having squandered your adolescence
    striving to get here. At this point, you are twenty-five or older, and have been
    out of touch with the general Indian female population for more than a decade.
    All the women you know back home are married. This manual is written for those
    of you who harbor hopes of acquiring a beautiful arranged bride.
    If you belong to the rarified set of intellectuals to whom the external
    female form holds no charms, and those who evaluate others according to the
    quality of their inner selves, this manual is not for you. Before you stop
    reading, please accept my heartiest congratulations on your self control and
    ideological correctness. I am not worthy of even addressing you (kneel! kneel!).
    No, this manual is for the rest of you, mere mortals, who still have enough
    red blood in their veins so that you can admit, even to yourselves, that you
    rather like the idea of having a beautiful wife.
    Of course, before I even go about describing how to acquire beauty, it is
    necessary to define it. And this is where I expect the most disagreement. There
    will be those among you who proclaim, "But beauty is in the eye of the
    beholder!" And you would be partly right.
    If you are a man who equates beauty to facial attractiveness, there is not
    much that this manual can do for you. You are a very fortunate man, for Indian
    women have the most beautiful faces of any race in the world. You have a very
    large pool to choose from, and you do not need much help in choosing, because
    you can look at each prospective bride's face and decide whether she is
    beautiful or not.
    No, this is written for those who would like their wife to have a good figure
    too. For you, the job is harder. Typically, Indian women do not get much
    physical exercise, and consequently, if they are not scrawny, tend to be on the
    overweight side. Why do you think sarees are so popular in India? Because they
    can hide all the embarrassing bulk! Some men think that Indian women do not have
    shapely legs by reasons of genetics. I say to them, check out the figures of the
    IA (ABCD to you politically incorrect guys) women. They are on par with anything
    I have seen on any other race. This is because IA women work out and take care
    to keep themselves in shape. You cannot go covering yourself up around here, not
    if you want to get dates.
    If you are one of those academic types who have not given much thought to the
    matter, or merely one of those blighters who like to ask intelligent questions
    to which you already know the answers, and ask me, "But why does one NEED a
    beautiful wife?" I would reply that beauty is a double edged sword. It has
    its advantages and disadvantages, some of which I summarize below.
    Advantages of having a beautiful wife.
    a) A beautiful girl is much easier to adjust to than an unattractive one. You
    will be much more tolerant of her faults during the initial
    "adjustment" phase of marriage, simply because you will not have the
    heart to get irritated with someone so lovely. She will be much easier to
    forgive after a fight.
    b) If you are the typical desi engineer, you will not be exactly Adonis
    Reborn. If your wife is homely too, your child will probably look like the Swamp
    Thing, or the Blob. If you love your unborn children, you owe it to them to give
    them a beautiful mother.
    c) A beautiful wife enhances your social stature. People will look at you and
    think, "How the ^&*% did that !@## land such a gorgeous babe? He must
    have something that is not visible on the outside!" You will get invited to
    more parties, especially by men who want to spend the evening drooling at her.
    Conversely, if your wife is homely, you will be rather embarrassed to take her
    to gatherings of your friends, especially if they are all married to knockouts.
    d) And most importantly, sex will be much better if your wife is
    good-looking. Otherwise, after a couple of years when the pent-up horniness of
    the past 25+ years has worn off, you probably will not be even able to get it
    up, unless you resort to ungentlemanly and undignified tactics, like fantasizing
    about Sridevi when you are in bed.
    Disadvantages of having a beautiful wife.
    a) If you are one of those for whom innocence, virtue, and chastity are
    important, beautiful women are not for you. My empirical research shows that,
    while beauty (or the lack of it) in a woman is in no way indicative of her
    intelligence, beautiful women are invariably very street-smart. They KNOW that
    they are good looking, and have got used to people bending over backwards to
    accommodate them. This dawns on them very early on in life, when they observe
    that teachers are much nicer to them than to their less-attractive friends, when
    almost all the men they encounter behave like brainless, testosterone-driven
    apes in their presence, when they observe that they get things done twice as
    quickly in a government office.
    As a teenager in college, a beautiful woman would have had lots of men vying
    with each other for her friendship and affections. She would have to be more
    than human not to have enjoyed the attention. She would have played the men one
    against the other, as women have done since time immemorial. She might have
    dated, and even had affairs. In the process, she would get to know men all too
    well, and would realize that they are but putty in the hands of a good-looking
    b) A good-looking woman is more than a match for the average desi engineer.
    She will twist you around her little finger and make you jump through hoops.
    Things will get done her way nearly all the time. Of course, it will be fun to
    jump through hoops for someone as lovely as she is. A homely woman, on the other
    hand, will usually be so grateful to you for marrying her that she will treat
    you like a king.
    c) As I mentioned before, a beautiful woman is unlikely to be particularly
    virtuous or righteous. But that is okay, since too much virtue often goes
    hand-in-hand with rather undesirable traits. A virtuous woman may also be ugly,
    weird, boring, hyper-religious or frigid.
    d) A beautiful woman is more likely to "stray" after marriage too.
    This is the USA, and the fact that a woman is married does not make her
    off-limits to adventurers or would-be Casanovas. The more lovely a woman is, the
    more likely is she to be propositioned by her male colleagues or friends. Ergo,
    she is subject to much more temptation than her homely counterparts. Think about
    this... how would it be if women kept asking you, a man, to make love to them?
    How many times would you refuse?
    How to go about selecting a beautiful wife.
    First of all, there is the matter of mentioning the fact to your parents. If
    your parents are anything like mine, they will freak out when they hear that
    their dear devoted son is actually interested in earthy things like beauty (and,
    by extrapolation, sex). It is not considered good form to say that beauty is
    important to you in Indian circles.
    Here is a very important tip... do not leave bride-hunting to your parents!
    Beauty is going to be the last of their priorities, coming after caste,
    horoscopes, family background, perceived virtue of the girl etc. Make it very
    clear to them that beauty is high on your list of priorities. State in no
    uncertain terms that you will not marry anyone who does not measure up to your
    standards. That will prevent them from goofing off during bride-hunting,
    shirking their responsibilities and palming off some family-friend's daughter on
    Another unpalatable fact is that your mother will not want you to marry
    someone too beautiful. This often comes as a surprise to most sons, but the
    reason is simple. Mothers know that, sooner or later, there will be a tussle
    between her and her daughter-in-law over her son's affections and loyalties.
    Since women are extremely conscious of their looks and tend to rate themselves
    accordingly, a beautiful woman has a psychological advantage over a less
    attractive one in an argument. Also, your mother knows that a beautiful wife
    will tilt the scales against her as far as you are concerned, since such a wife
    will probably have you dangling by the balls, if you pardon the expression. So,
    left to herself, your mother will limit her search to women who are less
    attractive than she perceives herself to be.
    Before you start on your bride-hunting, you should convince yourself that you
    deserve a beautiful wife. Do not ever think, "But I am not so good-looking
    anyway, what right have I to demand a lovely girl?" Since Man started
    walking the earth, it has been the man's wealth that has been traded off for the
    woman's beauty. Rest assured that your looks will be the last thing on a girl's
    mind when she rates you as a prospective husband. (I am limiting myself to
    arranged marriages here). She will be weighing your earning potential,
    green-card potential etc. Even in this land of feminism,
    "Cosmopolitan" has articles on "How to hook a rich husband"
    and "The ten best places to meet successful men".
    You have worked hard, and wasted ten of the most wonderful years of your life
    getting where you are. You deserve to get something out of it. Do not squander
    your bargaining position. In other words, do not be ashamed to make your
    preference for beauty known.
    How to check whether she is beautiful.
    First of all, never consent to marry a girl whom you have seen only in
    photographs. PHOTOGRAPHS LIE!!!! Photography is an art that can make HKL Bhagat
    look like Zeenat Aman. All too often, photographs sent to prospective suitors
    contain only the face. Also, they usually have been so air-brushed and
    sanitized, all the pimples and other irregularities removed, that the end
    product has little in common with the original. Also, it is a certain fact that
    no woman will consent to send you photograph that presents herself in an
    unflattering light.
    These days, in the urban areas of India, it is often the practice to take an
    album-full of pictures of a girl when she gets to marriageable age. These
    pictures show the girl in various outfits, eastern and western. The album is
    then sent to prospective grooms-in-the-states. During my last visit to India, I
    learned from an authoritative source that many of these pictures are blatant
    forgeries, involving splicing the girl's head on to the figure of some other
    girl, sometimes professional models. In one case, pictures of a girl's
    good-looking sister were went out instead. Bottom line: do not make a decision
    based merely on photographs!
    Once you see the girl directly, you can easily check whether her face
    measures up. The figure is a different matter altogether. Women have conducted
    more research into packaging themselves than have been conducted on the entire
    US space effort. You should realize that, while you were struggling in your
    engineering program in undergraduate on grad school, women were learning the
    techniques of camouflage. She KNOWS that it is her looks that count. By
    packaging herself so that she seems attractive to a non-resident Indian for
    about 10 minutes, she can earn all that it took the NRI 10 years of hard work to
    realize. Women are extremely honest with their friends about their positive and
    negative points. They are intensely aware of their flaws, and work
    systematically towards concealing them.
    So, if she seems to have a liking for loose, flowing sarees orsalwar-kameez,
    keep your mind open to the possibility that she may be overweight. That fold of
    her saree draped oh-so-elegantly across her midriff might be concealing a
    paunch. It it is wound demurely around her back, she probably has spare tires.
    Does she walk slowly and sedately, like an old Spanish galleon making its way
    across the seas? She is probably holding her paunch in.
    So what do you do if she always appears in such clothes? You cannot very well
    demand that she change clothes... that would be outrageously bad form. AND SHE
    KNOWS THAT! One way to approach such a problem is the following. Tell her that
    she cannot wear a saree in the states ,that it would be embarrassing for you.
    Tell her that if she is not willing to wear jeans, shorts and pants on a regular
    basis, you are probably not a good choice for her. Subtly hint that you would
    like to see her in western clothes. If she refuses flat-out, my friend, you can
    be sure that she is hiding something. If she has a good figure, she will make
    damned sure that you see it.
    A large percentage of women in India have huge hips and very heavy thighs.
    This is mainly due to lack of exercise. In a saree orchuridar, it is impossible
    to check for these, which is why they are so popular. If a woman states that she
    does not wear pants, warning bells should ring in her mind. One way to check for
    obesity under asaree or salwar is to note the relative positions of her bosom
    and midriff. For a woman with a good figure, the bosom should be at a
    considerably higher level. If she dresses so that the bosom does not stand out,
    it is almost surely because she has a paunch that comes to the same level. Or
    she may be droopy, saggy or totally flat.
    Let me reiterate, if a girl has something to show, she will make damned sure
    that you will see it.
    One way to see how your prospective bride looks when she is not dressed up is
    to ask to see her family albums. NOT the ones that they keep out ostentatiously
    but the ones that they keep tucked away at the corner of the shelf. A lot of
    overweight women go through crash diets during the wedding season, starving
    themselves or going to professional "fat-farms" to lose dozens of
    pounds, to get into presentable shape for the darshan. I know of one woman who
    lost 60pounds in 8 months preparing for the wedding. She quickly gained it all
    back after the marriage. Pictures of the woman taken 2 or 3 years ago should
    tell you whether she is inclined to obesity.
    If, on the other hand, she is a thin woman who has padded herself up to look
    good on darshan day, there is no way on earth that you can tell. The best way to
    check for this sort of stuff is to enlist the help of a sympathetic, liberated,
    female, friend, sister or other relative. She can easily see through the
    disguise and give you unbiased estimates of the interior. So, if you have a
    sister, you had better start being nice to her.


    Two Pakie's see an advertisement in a window, reading "be white for $10" . They both want to become white as they believe they will no longer be subject to racial abuse. 
    As only one of them has any money, he agrees to try it and if it's good, he'll lend the other Pakie $10. He goes into the shop, while the other waits outside. After an hour or so, the Pakie who went to have is skin changed to white comes out looking really good and white. 
    The other Pakie then says "wow that really worked, can you lend me $10 so I can be white as well". 
    His friend turns round and says "fuck off you Pakie" and walks off.


    Bhola as you know, is a not too smart kind of guy. 
    Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men
    and they would beat him up and steal his money.
    Finally, Bhola decided that it would serve his best interest to
    walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this
    wouldn't happen again.
    He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend
    himself.  So, one day, on the way home from work Bhola took his old route
    home and sure enough there they were.  He walked up to them and the battle
    The next afternoon Bhola went to his karate class with a black
    eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.  His instructor, shocked, asked him
    what happened.
    "Well," explained Bhola, "I took my old way home
    last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they
    beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!"


    Bhola goes to a grocery store.  He finds cat food at
    special prices.  He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. 
    The Manager gets suspicious.  He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and
    will probably feed cat food to his kids.  He asks Bhola to show him his cat
    before he could let him have cat food.  Bhola goes home and returns with a
    cat and gets to buy the cat food.

    Next week Bhola finds dog food at special prices.  He picks a dozen cans of
    dog food and goes to check out.  The Manager again gets suspicious. 
    He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably
    feed dog-food to his kids.  He asks Bhola to bring and show him the dog
    before he can let him have dog food.  Bhola goes home and returns with a
    dog.  He gets to buy the dog food.

    Next week Bhola comes to the grocery store with a bag.  He asks the manager
    to put his hand in the bag.  The Manager puts his hand in the bag and
    immediately takes it out.  He shouts at Bhola: "What! This is

    Bhola calmly replies: "Yes, and I want toilet paper"


    One afternoon, Bill Clinton was sitting in his office when his telephone
    "Hello Mr. Clinton," a heavily accented voice says. "This is
    Bholaji.  I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on
    Well, Bholaji," Bill replies, "This indeed is important news! Tell
    me, how big is your army?"
    At this moment in time," says Bholaji after a moments calculation,
    "There is myself, my cousin Herolal, my next door neighbor Pyarelal and the
    entire Kabbadi team from the Village. That makes 8!"
    Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Bholaji that I have 1 million men
    in my army waiting to move on my word."
    OK," says Bholaji. "I'll have to ring you back!"
    Sure enough, the next day Bholaji calls back. "Right Mr. Clinton, the
    war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
    "What equipment would that be, Bholaji?" Bill asks.
    Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Chacha's tractor from the
    Once more Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Bholaji that I have
    50,000 tanks, 2000 mine layers, 10,000 armored cars and my army has increased to
    1 and a half million since we last spoke."
    "I'll be dogged!" says Bholaji. "I'll have to ring you
    Sure enough, Bholaji calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Clinton, the
    war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've gotten out old
    Govind's crop sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the Hockey team
    has joined us as well!"
    Once more Bill sighs and says "I must tell you Bholaji that I have 4000
    bombers and 8000 high maneuverability attack planes and my military
    installations are surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles and since
    we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
    "Oh cripes," says Bholaji. "I'll have to ring you back."
    Sure enough, Bholaji calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Clinton, I am
    sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
    "I'm very sorry to hear that," says Bill. "Why the sudden
    change of heart?"
    "Well," says Bholaji, "We've all had a chat and t'be sure,
    there's no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners of war."


    Pyaaaray Lal,
    I am writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live
    where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most
    accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved! I won't be able to give
    you the address as the last person who stayed in this house took the numbers
    with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
    This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works
    too well, last week I put in three shirts and pulled the chain and I HAVE NOT
    The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time
    it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted
    me to send you, your aunt said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with
    all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
    We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we don't make the
    last payment on GRANDMA'S FUNERAL, she will come up again. Your father has
    another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass in the cemetery.
    Your sister had a baby this morning, I haven't found out whether it is a boy or
    a girl, so I don't know whether you are an uncle or an aunty.
    Your Uncle Herolal fell into a whisky vat.  Some men tried to pull him out,
    but he fought them off and drowned.  We cremated him and he burned for
    three days.
    Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving
    and the other two were in the back.  The driver got out- he rolled the
    window down and swam to safety. The other two friends drowned  as they couldn't'
    get the gate down.  There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much
    has happened.
    Love, Mom

    Bholaji goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I ache all over. Every where I
    touch it hurts."
    The doc says "Ok, touch your elbow."
    Bholaji touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
    The doc, surprised,says "touch your head."
    Bholaji touches his head and jumps in agony.
    The doc asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens.
    Every where Bholaji touches it hurts like hell.
    The doc is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays etc... and
    tells Bhola to come back after two days.
    Two days later Bhola comes back and the doctor says, "We've found your
    "Oh yeah? what is it ?"
    'You've broken your finger!'


    A Sardarni competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast
    Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.
    The French woman came in first, the English woman second.
    The Sardarni finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived
    with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I
    think those other two girls used their arms."


    Once an Indian minister was on a tour to France and his French counterpart
    invited him for a dinner. When the Indian minister arrived at the latter's
    residence, he was astonished to see that the latter was living in a very grand
    and luxurious bungalow and they had dinner in silver spoons and plates and all
    his bungalow were filled of precious antiques and other articles. He can not
    hold himself back and asked the French minister the reason for him living in
    such a grand style. On asking the French minister took him to a window.
    French Minister : Do you see the river over there ?
    Indian Minister : Yes.
    French Minister : Do you see the bridge over it ?
    Indian Minister : Yes.
    French Minister : 10%.
    After 5 years the same French minister got a chance to visit India and now it
    was the turn of our same Indian minister to invite him for a dinner. When the
    French minister arrived at the Indian minister's residence, he was stunned to
    see that the latter was living in a palace like house and they had dinner in
    golden spoons and plates and he had hundreds of servants and all his bungalow were
    filled of jewelries and costliest furniture, antiques and other articles. Now it
    was his turn to ask, "Dear friend how could you afford to live such a grand
    The Indian minister took him to a window. 
    Indian Minister : Do you see the river over there ?
    French Minister : Yes.
    Indian Minister : Do you see the bridge over it ?
    French Minister : No.
    Indian Minister : 100 %.


    A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher. She was
    riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were
    attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in
    frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and
    told her teacher so. She asked him what she should have done - what would have
    been the appropriate, Buddhist response.
    The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with
    great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."


    A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial
    India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
    "Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."
    "Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.
    A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.
    "Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.
    A few months later, same guy, same problem.
    The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"
    "Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.
    "Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.
    The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."


    This article courtesy For more like
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    "What are you doing today, oh mother of my children?"
    queries papa ji. "Well," replies mum ji, "I think I'll
    get some chores out of the way, like marrying off your son!"
    "What a great idea." agrees dad. "You do that while I
    wash the cars!"
    And so the wheels of the 'marriage machine' are set in motion. Once
    moving anyone wishing to stop them is simply steam rolled over! Before
    long an unsuspecting couple find that it has carried them all the way to
    the temple. Accompanied by a million voices commanding their every move,
    they sit cross legged in total bewilderment wondering which order to
    obey first.

    Oh kidha, Sorniya!

    Evolution of the arranged marriage actually starts as soon as the grades have
    been achieved, the job secured and the Ford Mondeo acquired. For then, life for
    the single Asian suddenly shifts into the "eligible" gear. Not only do
    mum and dad treat you like a prize poodle at Crufts but family relations (most
    of whom you never knew you had), suddenly become very aware of your existence,
    height, weight, qualifications and shoe size!
    Your eligible presence is announced to anyone and everyone who may be
    remotely connected to a potential partner! Usually this takes the form of
    word-of- mouth or for the more discerning families, the Matrimonial section of
    Des Pardes! Whichever method is used it does not really matter for the Asian
    grapevine is far more effective than any 'information super highway'! Once the
    word is out on the street, the marriage gangsters have got ya!
    The belief that "marriages are made in heaven" holds little value
    for Asians on the 'arranged marriage train'. Instead, what quickly becomes
    apparent is that "marriages are made by Aunty Golabo" - who has a very
    high success rate! A lady who is believed to harbor an advanced scientific
    method to ensure that 100% chemistry is achieved between her
    "arrangements". That is, one must be a male and the other not!
    Hyperactive ladies such as Aunty Golabo, have successfully converted a
    fun-time hobby into full-time employment. One that is best described as a
    "marriage broker". The broker's portfolio contains "you" as
    the investment being hedged against unattached stock floating on the market!
    Although she acts as the go-between, you can be assured that she'll
    go-between, under, over and sideways to make sure that the couple reach that
    temple on time! Only then can another notch be etched on the "number of
    marriages that I fixed" scale.
    So what do parent's look for in their outlawed son (ie in-law to be)?
    Financial security (supported by the last three pay slips), of good repute (ie
    no punch-ups with rival gangs), an education (minimum four GCSEs) and owning a
    strong body with no hereditary diseases. Similarly, the son's parents also have
    their requirements specification! Of a sheltered and easily-satisfied home (with
    no exposure to MTV) followed by competence in housework, a degree in kitchen
    management studies and a willingness to conform to their pattern of living!
    Further to these demands, the arrangees themselves add their own ideals. The
    lady looks for intellect to feed weekend dinner parties, a broad outlook to
    ensure a balanced approach, appreciation and practice of sexual equality,
    kindness, generosity, trust-worthiness, ...and on, and on, and on! Fortunately,
    the guy's requirements can, for all intensive purposes, be reduced to one; she
    must be a babe!
    With so many variables, constraints and participants involved, it's a real
    wonder that such projects ever see the light of day, let alone result in an
    ever-lasting marriage! Nevertheless, they do and there is a sporting chance that
    the two families will live happily ever after (sometimes this even includes the
    couple themselves)!
    Indeed there is a high probability of AM (Arranged Marriage) occurring in the
    morning to start a PM (Perfect Marriage) in the afternoon. Well, there is if
    Aunty Golabo got her sums right!


    A monk was driving in India when suddenly a dog crosses the road. The car hit
    and killed the dog. The monk looked around and seeing a temple, went to knock on
    the door. A monk opened the door. The first monk said: "I'm terribly sorry,
    but my karma ran over your dogma."


    After making a trip of South India, Santa Singh, his wife and his son were
    returning to Punjab in Tamilnadu Express.

    Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his
    son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the
    stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of
    Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed. When Santa and his son returned they
    found that a South Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had occupied his son's

    Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that
    he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh
    explained the whole situation to him in English.

    Santa Singh explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving
    birth to my child."


    An elderly Punjabi admitted to the intensive care department of a hospital
    requested that he take lessons in French. The doctor was puzzled and asked him
    "Well, French is the language of heaven," he sighed. "I want
    to be able to communicate with everyone in heaven if I die."
    "But how are you so sure that you will end up in heaven? You might go to
    hell. What good will French do you then?" asked the doctor.
    "That will no problem. I am fluent in Punjabi."


    Son : Pop... what is the
    Ramayan stuff that all my friends in school talk about..
    Pop : So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked
    him.  But, like, his step mom, or somethin', was kind of a bitch, and she
    forced her husband to, like, you know, send this cool dude, he was Ram, to some
    national forest or reserve or somethin'.
    Since he was going, for like, somethin'
    like more than 10 years or so, he decided to take his wife and his bro along. 
    You know... so that they could all chill out together.  But dude, the
    forest was reeeeeeal scary shit, really man, they had monkeys and devils and
    shit like that.  
    But this dude, Ram, kicked their ass with darts, bows and
    arrows, so it was fine.  But then some bad boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, were
    our man, and his bro Lakshman, pissed!  And you don't piss this son-of-a-gunz
    'coz, he just kicks ass and like, all the gods were with him.  
    So anyways,
    you don't mess with gods.  So, Ram and his bro get an army of monkeys. 
    Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys, just go along with me, 
    OK.  So, Ram, Lakhs, and their monkeys whip this gansta's ass in his own
    hood.  Anyways, by now, their time's up in the forest and anyways, it gets
    kinda boring.  You know no TVs or malls or shit like that.  So, they decided to hitch back home.  He, his bro and the wife are back home.  

    People thought, well, you know, at least they deserve somethin' nice and they
    didn't have any bars and clubs in those days.  So they couldn't take them
    out for a drink, so the people decided to smoke.  And they also had some
    lamps, they lit the lamps too.  So it was pretty cooool... you know with
    all those fireworks really, they had some local band play along with the
    fireworks, and you know what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding, that was
    the very first musical-synchronized fireworks.  You know, like the 4th of
    the July stuff, but just more cooler and stuff, you know.  
    And, so dude,
    that was how, like, this festival started.  Cool!!!  Diwali Rocks
    Maaaan!  Got it...


    Mr Harpreet Singh Gulati is traveling from Moscow to Turban Pore [Capital of
    Khalistan] by Kithe Pacific. 
    Seated besides him is Gary Kasparov. Gary asks him whether he would like to
    play chess to kill time. 
    Gulati : "Oye Gar(r)y. You think I don't know who U are?. I can't
    compete with a world champion" 
    Gary : "How about if I play left handed ?" 
    Gulati : [Think.. Think..] "OK!" 
    Gulati is demolished in 4 moves... and is very upset through-out the rest of
    the journey. On landing he meets his friend Manpreet Singh. 
    Gulati : Hey! U know what! I played Chess with Gary Kasparov and he defeated
    me in spite of him playing left-handed... 
    Manpreet : Oye ullu-de pathey!! He sure did fool you!! U know what!! Gary IS


    There came a big flood, and the water around Bhola's house was rising
    Bhola was standing on the porch, watching water rising all around him, when a
    man in a boat came along and called to Bhola, "Get in the boat and I'll get
    you out of here. Bhola replied, "No thanks, God will save me."
    Bhola went into the house, and the water was starting to pour in. So, he went
    up to the second floor.
    As he looked out, another man in a boat came along, and he called to Bhola,
    "Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here."
    Again, Bhola replied, "No thanks. God will save me."
    The water kept rising. So, Bhola got out onto the roof.
    A helicopter flew over, and the pilot called down to Bhola, "I'll drop
    you a rope,grab onto it, and I'll get you out of here."
    Again Bhola replied, "No thanks.  God will save me."
    The water rose and rose, and soon nearly covered the whole house. Bhola fell
    in, and drowned.
    When he arrived in Heaven, he saw God, and asked Him, "Why didn't you
    save me from that terrible flood?  Did I not show you my faith?"
    With a loving but irritated tone God replied, "What more would you have
    me do?  I sent people in two boats and a helicopter?"


    Gujarat Engineering & Medical Entrance Exam 
    Time Limit: 3 Weeks 
    1. What language is spoken in Tamil Nadu ? 
    2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
    reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the
    first name of Pierre Trudeau. 
    3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to 
    (a) build a bridge 
    (b) sail the ocean 
    (c) lead an army or 
    (d) WRITE A PLAY 
    4. What religion is the Pope? 
    (a) Jewish 
    (b) Catholic 
    (c) Hindu 
    (d) Polish 
    (e) Agnostic (check only one) 
    5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters? 
    6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on
    the 5? 
    7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately) 
    8. What are people in India's far north called? 
    (a) Westerners 
    (b) Southerners 
    (c) Northerners 
    9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton 
    10. Six kings of India have been called Akbar , the last one being Akbar the
    Sixth. Name the previous five. 
    11. Where does rain come from? 
    (a) Macy's 
    (b) a 7-11 
    (c) Canada 
    (d) the sky 
    12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? 
    (a) yes 
    (b) no 
    13. What are coat hangers used for? 
    14. The "Jana Gana Mana " is the National Anthem for what
    15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR-spell your
    name in BLOCK LETTERS. 
    16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
     17. Which part of India produces the most oranges? 
    (a) Gujarat 
    (b) Russia 
    (c) Canada 
    (d) Pakistan 
    18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you
    19. What does AIR (All India Radio) stand for? 
    20. The University of Chandigarh tradition for efficiency began when
    (a) B.C. 
    (b) A.D. 
    (c) still waiting *You must answer at least three questions correctly to


    How does a Gulti commute office 40 miles away?

    He walks all the way because he wants to get a good resale value for his car.

    Why does a Gulti wish for rain?

    Because he gets a free car wash.

    How does a Gulti wash clean his cloth and carpet?

    He stuffs both together into washing machine to save few pennies.

    Why does computer books in book stores get a Gulti smell?

    Because those books were returned by a gulti after 30 days free trial.



    Gyani Zail Singh went to the US & had a meeting
    with Reagan.  Reagan said, "I want to show you the advancement in
    technology in USA. Come with me." 
    Reagan takes him in a deep forest and says. "Dig the ground."
    Zail Singh digs.
    Reagan says, "More, more, more..."
    Zail Singh has now reached a 100 feet.
    Reagan says, "So now, did you find anything?"
    Zail Singh, "I got a wire!"
    Reagan says, "You see, it shows that even 200 years ago we used to have
    Zail Singh was very frustrated and he invited Reagan to India.
    In India GyaniJi says, "Now I want to show you the advancement in
    He takes Reagan to a forest and asks him to dig.
    After some time GyaniJi says, "More. .. more... more!"
    Reagan has now reached almost 400 feet.
    Zail Singh says, "Find anything?"
    Reagan tries but finds nothing, "Nothing here!"
    GyaniJi says, "You see even 400 years ago we had gone WIRELESS!"


    Singh stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a
    "Yes, sir?"
    "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
    "What was wrong with it?"
    "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
    The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took
    our phone book."


    Hodgee comes to the United States from India, and he's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor.

    The doctor says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
    Hodgee takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and breathes in the fumes for ten minutes.
    Then he comes back to the doctor and says, "It worked. I feel terrific. What was it?"
    The doctor says, "You were homesick."


    The Scene: The Girl is a 23 year old investment banker working in New York.
    The Boy is doing his residency in Boston and was given her number by his mother,
    who is a friend of the Girl's aunt's brother-in-law's cousin's uncle's wife in
    Monday night, 10 pm 
    Girl: Hello? 
    Boy: (Shit, she's home!) Umm, hi! Is this ---? 
    Girl: Speaking. 
    Boy: My name is ---. I don't know if you know who I am- (God, what if she
    doesn't know who I am? I'll sound like a complete idiot.) Hell, I already sound
    like a complete idiot. I don't even know why I'm doing this!) 
    Girl: Oh, you live in Boston, right? 
    Boy: Yeah. (Ok, she was told about me, that's a fucking relief. I wonder what
    she was told - "He's a resident, tall, and fair, and he graduated from Ivy
    League school!" God, she probably hates me already!) 
    Girl: Yeah, my mother mentioned you had my number. (I can't believe he
    actually called!) 
    Boy: So, how are you? Oh yeah, that's real original, but what the hell else I
    am supposed to say- Umm, hi, I don't know you, but do you want to be
    Girl: I'm fine. And you? (Ok, this is off to a great fucking start) 
    Boy: I'm good. (Ok, think, think!) So, I heard you're an investment banker?
    (Oh, that's a real winner. Now I can be a bad conversationalist and an
    Girl: Yes. 
    Boy: (Ok, she is not helping me at all!) Where do you work? 
    Girl: Merrill Lynch. 
    Boy: Hey, that's a great firm! (I sound like a complete moron. I should just
    hang up except my mother would somehow find out and kill me!) 
    Girl: Yeah, it's a nice place to work. (God, this guy sounds like a complete
    Boy: So...(Stall ,stall!) 
    Girl: So you're doing your residency in cardiology? (Like my mom didn't tell
    me that 500 times already!) 
    Boy: (Ok, I can handle this...) Yeah, I'm in my second year. (Alright, now
    say something else, but what do I say? Do you drink and have sex? Cause if you
    want to marry me, you can't be one of those goody goody South Asian girls who
    think if they kiss a guy they've practically gone all the way) So, what do you
    like to do in your free time? 
    Girl: (Umm... get wasted...) Oh, you know, hang out with my friends, go to
    Boy: Where do you like to hang out in NY? 
    Girl: (Shit, what am I supposed to say? This guy could be some religious
    freak! I can't say bars - I'll say clubs, you can go to clubs and not drink...)
    Oh, sometimes we go to the movies, or there's a couple clubs that are good...
    (That was good, I made it sound like I like clubs, but I'm not really into
    Boy: (Ok, she goes to clubs, that's a good sign. If she was really religious
    she wouldn't do that.) Yeah? I like to dance also. 
    Girl: (He likes to dance- that's a good sign. He can't be that stiff!) So
    where do you hang out in Boston? 
    Boy: (Should I say it- alright, I'll say it, what the hell!) Umm, the same,
    bars, clubs, stuff like that. 
    Girl: (He said bars! So he probably drinks. Good sign. I should explore this
    further...) Are there any good bars in Boston? 
    Boy: Yeah, there are some nice ones, I mean, I'm not a huge drinker, but I
    like having a good time. (Ok, that gives the impression of someone who enjoys
    drinking but is not an alcoholic - pretty good, if I do say so myself!) 
    Girl: (That sounds really positive. This guy sounds kind of cool. But if he's
    so cool why is he calling me? Shouldn't he have a girlfriend? Or not need to
    call random girls his mother tells him about? God, what if he's completely ugly?
    Or has never been kissed?) Yeah, me too. Although I hope my parents never find
    Boy: Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. (I wonder if she's butt) 
    Girl: (Ok, so he didn't freak out at the living a double life reference-
    another good sign. I just wish I knew what he looked like...) So... 
    Boy: (Or she could be really fat with a huge mustache. Well, there's only one
    way to find out!) So, I know this sounds a little crazy, but I'm visiting some
    friends in NYC next weekend and I wonder if you'd want to get together for
    coffee sometime. 
    Girl: (Coffee. That's totally safe. If he's totally nasty I can have a quick
    espresso and run like hell!) Yeah, that sounds great. 
    Boy: (Alright that went pretty well. Coffee's pretty harmless. And who knows,
    maybe she'll be cool. Now I have to get the hell out of this conversation...) So
    I have your e-mail, should I just e-mail you soon and we can figure it
    Girl: (E-mail is sooo much better than the phone. Thank God for e-mail!)
    Yeah, just e-mail, I check it all the time at work, so- (God, this is getting
    Boy: Alright, I'll e-mail you soon. (Meaning in two days cause I don't want
    to look too desperate, but at the same time I don't want to look like I'm trying
    not to look too desperate) 
    Girl: Coo

    To help the new wave of incoming students from India, here are the proper
    answers to awkward questions asked everyday: 

    Q. What does that red dot on women's forehead mean? 

    A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills
    by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is
    one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered
    the art of archery and hit the target.... 

    Q. You're from India? I have read so much about the country. All the
    wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you
    still use elephants for transportation? 

    A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house.
    But later, we started participating in elephant-ride sharing schemes
    with our neighbors, to save the air. You see elephants have an
    "emissions" problem..... 

    Q. Does India have cars? 

    A. No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to
    encourage ride-sharing schemes. 

    Q. Does India have TV? 

    A. No. We only have cable. 

    Q. Are all Indians vegetarian? 

    A. Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India. 

    Q. How come you speak English so well? 

    A. You see when the British were ruling India, they employed Indians
    as servants. It took too long for the Indians to learn English. So the
    British isolated an "English-language" gene and infused their
    servants' babies with it and since then all babies born are born
    speaking English. 

    Q. Are you a Hindi? 

    A. Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India. 

    Q. Do you speak Hindu? 

    A. Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity. 

    Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt? 

    A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me
    go to school. 

    Q. India is very hot, isn't it? 

    A. It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously. That is
    why tea is such a popular drink in India. 

    Q. Are there any business companies in India? 

    A. No. All Indians live on the Gandhian principles of
    self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food.
    That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians -- it is is a lot of
    hard work. 

    Q. Indians cannot beef, huh? 

    A. Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So
    eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the population of
    the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human

    Q. India is such a religious place. Do you meditate regularly? 

    A. Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink. But it
    is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I meditate
    like that. But the bosses there do the same thing. That is why things
    are so inefficient there. 

    Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do

    A. We don't have shoes. So we burn the bottom of our feet to make it
    hard so that we can walk. 

    Q. Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work? 

    A. I prefer it to coming naked.



    There was once LKY visited India. He was warmly welcomed by Gandhi, who took
    him to view many places in India. After sightseeing, LKY has this to say to
    Gandhi, 'All the places I have visited in India are dirty, filthy and untidy.
    you should see how clean Singapore is!'
    A month later, Gandhi made a visit to Singapore. LKY brought him to Compass
    Rose for dinner. Gandhi who was unhappy with LKY insult, tried to find some
    dirty places in Singapore to return the insult.
    He took a pair of binoculars and look all around singapore to find a place
    which is dirty, but could find none. Finally, Gandhi after 10 mins of searching,
    saw a place which is very dirty and untidy.
    He signaled to LKY and ask him to take a look. Gandhi said, 'This particular
    place is extremely dirty and untidy. Can you tell me where it is?'
    LKY took a look from the binos and said with a smile, 'Oh, that is Little


    There is a sale on any item, you buy 100 of them.

    You put your clothes in suitcases instead of wardrobes.

    You have a 'Singer Brother' sewing machine at home.

    Your mother has a minor disagreement with her (or your dad's) sister and doesn't talk to her for ten years.

    You call an older person you've never met before "uncle".

    You hide everything from your parents.

    Your mother does everything for you if you are male.

    You do all the housework and cooking if you are female.

    Your relatives alone could populate a small city.

    Everyone is a family friend.

    Everyone always called you for help on homework.

    You read law, medicine or engineering at university.

    You were thick (i.e. stupid) so you studied accounting or business instead.

    You know no one who has studied music.

    You went to a university as far away from home as possible.

    You still came back home to live with your parents after you had finished.

    Your best friend got married at the age of 16.

    You only make telephone calls after 6pm (discounts) or after 9 p.m.

    You like the meat well done.

    You eat onions with everything.

    You use chilli sauce instead of tomato ketchup.

    You fight over who pays the dinner bill.

    You say you hate Indian films(/songs) but secretly watch(/hear) them with your

    You teach Westerners swearwords in your language.

    You order Indian food in your own language to impress the people you're
    with but the waiters don't understand you.
    You avoid public places when with a member of the opposite sex, especially if there is an acquaintance within a 250 miles radius.
    You always say "open the light" instead of "turn the light
    You secure your baggage with a rope.
    You're walking out of customs with your trolley at the airport and you see
    all twenty-five members of your family who have come to pick you up.
    You get very upset when airlines refuse to accept your luggage which is
    just 80 lbs. overweight.
    You go back to your parents' country and people treat you like a member
    of...the royal family.
    You ask your dad a simple question and he tells you story of how he had
    to walk miles barefoot just to get to school.
    Your Dad drives a GM.
    You're rich so he drives a Mercedes.

    (For females)

    You're parents would freak out if you wore a crop top baring your midriff...but wearing a sari is perfectly acceptable

    Your brother had no curfew while you had to be home at 11pm

    You are ALWAYS taking off and putting on your shoes wherever you go
    to your American friends, oil is used purely for cooking and not as a grooming aid

    When your American friends cringe at the thought of their parents in bed,
    you wonder how odd it would be to see your parents get within one foot of...each other

    Your parents have nicknames but only because people they work with just
    stop when trying to read their names

    You have annoying nicknames like Chotu or Chicku,(lots more to add here)

    Your parents call all your friends "Beta" whether they are Indian or
    not Your parent are panicking if you aren't married and you turn 25

    Either you really like Indians of the opposite sex or you can't stand them

    Your mother measures wealth in gold and diamonds

    A horoscope must decide your wedding date

    Your parents drink 6 cups of tea a day

    You are sick and tired of answering questions about "the dot"

    Your friends could not explain your religion to someone if they tried
    You could not explain your religion to someone if you tried
    In the smallest...of subcompact cars, you still can't see over the wheel
    without a phone
    WITH the phone book, you can't reach the pedals.
    You have cousins you have never met, whose names you don't know, but who
    insist they're related to you, even though they bear NO resemblance to...anyone YOU know.
    Your parents push the concept of an arranged marriage on you and try and
    demonstrate how well it works whenever they're not fighting.
    Your parents compare you to all of their friends' kids.
    You notice that whenever you go to another Indian's house, your parents
    always talk about work and business.
    The second you pull out of someone's driveway, your parents start
    talking...about them.
    Every few months your parents say when they're moving back to India
    No one ever seems to call ahead of time to say they are coming over for a visit.



    Two diplomats are riding in a limousine in Moscow, an Indian and a Russian, discussing state
    The Russian says to the Indian, "Rohit, I like you, but my superiors say the deal can't
    go through. They don't want to be associated with  your country. They tell me it's filthy and the 
    citizens just shit on the streets." 
    "That is not true!" exclaims the Indian, "We are very fact, you're not one to talk,
    isn't that someone shitting on your fine  sidewalk?" he points out the window where there 
    is indeed a squatted figure defecating on the sidewalk. 
    The Russian diplomat is enraged. "Stop the car!" he yells at the driver,
    Pavel. "Pavel, go execute that shitting man." Pavel nods at his boss, stops
    the the car and takes out a gun. 
    After a minute, he shakes his head and returns to his boss. "Sir, I cannot execute him." 
    "Why the hell not?" yells the Russian. 
    "Sir, he's the Indian Prime Minister."


    Why do Indians smell? (submitted by: Foyf

    So blind people can hate them too

    What do the average Indian weigh? (submitted by: Foyf


    Why is Delhi a male city (Maha Nagar) and Bombay a female city (Maha Nagri)?
    (submitted by:

     Because Delhi has Qutab Minar and Bombay has Gateway of

    What does INTERNET stand for? (submitted

    Indians Networking To Ensure Raillery Now En Then. 

    What do you call a smart Indian? (submitted

    A: Indigenous. 

    Q: Why is India a banana republic? (submitted

    Because the politicians keeps chanting, "Hame ye banana hai, wo
    banana hai!



    lawyer: Case-wani
    Sindhi lawyer after a case: Purse-wani
    The blue-skier sindhi: Akash-wani
    Supplied in south indian hospitals: Nursing gum
    Desi who falls at people's feet: Charan Singh
    Desi who falls at peopls' feet and stays there: Gir charan Singh

    is a smart Malayalee called?

    is a dynamic malayalee called ?

    did the malayalee crossed the road ?

    did one Bengali voyeur ask another?

    was wire invented?
    marwaris spotted the same coin.

    did the Gujju think the film Gandhi was about a woman?
    Be(h)n Kingsley was in it.

    is a communist Sindhi called?

    is a Sindhi who falls from the first floor called?

    is a Sindhi who falls from the 17th. floor called?

    is a Sindhi who falls from the 30th. floor called?

    are the degrees of egoism in Tamil Nadu?
    I, Iyer, Iyengar.

    is a jiving Sardar called?

    do you call a sardar who drinks only beer ?

    do you call a sardar who has only one drink ?

    sikh scuba diver .. JULL-UNDER SINGH
    better adapted sikh diver .. JULLUNDER SINGH GILL

    bald sardarjee .. BAL-WANT SINGH

    does a sardarjee say to a whore ? 

    do you say (Bhagwan Shri) Rajneesh detests city life ?
    from Koregaon he went to Oreg(a)on.

    is A.P the land of underwears ?
    there they keep saying - yemUNDEE, chappUNDEE, koorchUNDDEE etc.

    is the (State) Anthem of A.P ?

    is the most famous jingle in A.P ?
    days are here again ...

    do you call a bong who talks a lot, sometimes without making sense?
    Chatter Jee.

    is that guy visiting the Golden Temple everyday?
    Mandir Singh.

    do you call a very rich Malayalee?

    is he who has many publications to his credit?

    do you call a bong who takes bribe?

    is he who visited the Russia-China border?
    Wall Singh

    is that guy who enlightens others?

    do you call a sikh female's boyfriend?
    Pal Singh

    do you call a sikh guy running towards the enemy camp with a white flag
    his hand? 

    does a malayalee spell the word 'MOON' ?
    - O yet another O N.



    If the Titanic was made in India:
    10) There would be 10 times as many people on the ship.
    9) There has to be a song with a girl wearing a white dress, singing in the
    8) By the end of the movie he finds his mom, dad, sister and brother.
    7) It's seven and half-hours long.
    6) The movie would be called "Doobta Hua Pyar".
    5) Kate Winslet played by Madhuri Dixit, and Leonard Di' Caprio played by Salman
    4) The boat would sink, because there are too many people on it.
    3) None of the people would float for long cause of the saris.
    2) They would be serving mango fruity on the boat.
    1) Wait a minute it was an Indian movie if you think abou  it.
    Can you imagine how many times we would hear "Bachaoooo"!!!
    PS: The hero, heroine, his mom, dad, sister and brother will float in the cold
    water for days and yet survive. The villain will drown in the first drops of


    An Indian who just came from India walks into a hardware store and asks to
    see the chain saws. Picking up one, he asked the store clerk, "How many
    trees will this one cut in an hour?" 
    "Oh, that one will cut about five good sized trees in an hour,"
    replied the clerk.
     "What about this one?" asked the Indian. The clerk
    "That's an intermediate model which cuts around ten trees." 
    "And this one?" asked the Indian. 
    "That's our best model. It should cut at least 20 trees in an
    hour," said the clerk 
    "I'll take it!" said the Indian. Two days later, the Indian returns
    to the store and angrily states, "Hey, this saw is terrible. I could only
    cut three trees in one hour with it!" 
    The clerk says, "Gee, I don't understand that. This is the best chainsaw
    we carry. Wait a minute while I check it out." The clerk pulled on the
    starter rope and the saw immediately activated with a loud roar. 
    'Hey," said the Indian, "what's that noise?"


    A Sikh was on his way to Khalsa Club when he
    decided to take a short-cut through somebody's garden. The owner comes out
    Owner: Hey, do you know you are trespassing? 
    Sikh: No, I'm Jaspar Singh. 


    A well dressed man was having a dinner in "Kake Da Hotel". After he
    finished his dinner, he started to wash his hands with table and chair. The
    owner saw him and got real angry and asked, "Have you had dinner in some
    nice hotel before?" 
    Man: "Ya!" "I had dinner once in Ashoka Hotel." 
    Owner: "There also, you washed your hands with table and
    Man: "Yes, I did." 
    Owner: "Nobody told you anything!" 
    Man: "They kicked me and said 'agar ase hi karna hai to kisi Kake Da
    Hotel mae jake khana khaa'.


    Santa Singh and Banta Singh are sitting in a bar sipping Black Label Johnny
    walker when Banta Singh noticed a gorgeous blonde sitting by herself in a
    corner. As he was getting up to talk to her. 
    Bar Tender said "Hey don't worry about her, She is lesbian!
    Banta Singh "Lesbian or no lesbian, I get all of them" and he
    stylishly holding his whiskey in his left hand walked to her table. Then leaping
    forward in a very sexy voice he said "Where exactly in Lesbia, you


    A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
    happened.  Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
    When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.  
    The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his
    secretary to send the boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
    The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
    Dear GOD,

    Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted 95%.



    Want to propose a girl
    Just do it - Nike
    Before going to propose to a girl
    Believe in the best - BPL.
    If you are hesitating before proposing to a girl
    Vicks ki goli lo kich kich door karo - Vicks.
    If you are going to propose to a girl
    Chances are 50-50 - Britannia.
    If a girl slapped you when you proposed to her
    Take it easy - Limca.
    Girl says NO !
    Jor ka jhatka dhire se lage - Mirinda.
    Those who succeed in love always say
    We dream because we do - Daewoo.
    If some one wants to write a love letter to his girlfriend
    Likho script apna apna.- Rotomac.
    If you love someone
    Go get it - Visa power.
    Boy riding a bike with neighbor's girl
    Neighbors envy owner's pride - Onida.
    Not satisfied with your date
    Yeh dil mangey more - Pepsi.
    A guy having a number of girl friends
    The Complete Man - Raymonds.
    A smart girl having a number of boyfriends
    Yeh hai hamara suraksha chakra - Colgate.
    For those lost in love
    Har shaam ka sathi main aur mera - Bagpiper Whisky.
    For a guy 'r gal who hasn't yet found one
    Dhoondte rehe jayo ge - Surf Exel


    A Master Thief in London was giving a Coaching Class on Stealing and had
    students from all over the world. The Indian happened to be a Sardar. After
    several grueling classes on Theory came the final and decisive class of all, a
    practical demo.
    The master took all his pupils to a house nearby in the darkness of night and
    entered that. But by mistake he overturns a vase.
    Owner : Who's that?
    Master: Miaooow...
    The owner is satisfied and goes back to sleep. Mission accomplished.
    The Sardar is very impressed. Returning to Punjab, he decides to open a similar
    class for his fellow Sardars. Does so and follows the same schedule of theory
    Then he goes for the demo with his pupils. Enters the house of a rich Sardar in
    darkness, and tells the other Sardars, " These are the various steps for
    stealing. You just observe. " Firstly, he goes and overturns a vase.
    Owner : Koun Hai ? ( Who's that ? )
    Sardar : Mai Billi . ( I am the cat.)
    Owner : Oh, Billi ( Oh. Cat.) and goes back to sleep.


    When the antenna of my small television in India broke, I looked up the
    relevant part's number in the manual provided by the company and wrote to them
    asking for a replacement. 
    When the package arrived, I was furious to see that they had sent Part No 699
    when I had actually asked them for No 669. I shot off an angry missive to their
    Public Relations Dept. 
    Their reply: Turn it upside-down.


    For long, India's colonial rulers divided the country's population by the numbers. And as current-day politicians continue with that
    unholy task, we present a shortcut to make their work easier. Here's distinguishing India's different cultures by the numbers: 
    One Malayalee is a narial-pani shop. 
    Two Malayalees is a boat race.
    Three Malayalees is a Gulf job racket. 
    Four Malayalees is an oilslick. 
    One Tamilian is a fugitive sandalwood smuggler. 
    Two Tamilians is a suicide-bomb squad. 
    Three Tamilians is a classical music school. 
    Four Tamilians is a Jayalalitha fan club. 
    One Andhraite is a cycle-rickshaw driver. 
    Two Andhraites is a spice shop. 
    Three Andhraites is a Naxalite outfit. 
    Four Andhraites is the Telugu film industry. 
    One Bengali is a rosagulla shop. 
    Two Bengalis is a black-and-white movie. 
    Three Bengalis is a Mohun Bagan support group. 
    Four Bengalis is a Marxist movement. 
    One Rajasthani is a cattle-seller. 
    Two Rajasthanis is a mason. 
    Three Rajasthanis is a puppet show. 
    Four Rajasthanis is a folk dance-drama. 
    One Goan is Remo Fernandes. 
    Two Goans is a Feni distillery. 
    Three Goans is a football club. 
    Four Goans is an all-night-long beach party. 
    One Mangalorean is a supari seller. 
    Two Mangaloreans can't stand one another. 
    Three Mangaloreans is an Udupi restaurant. 
    Four Mangaloreans is a fanatical Konkani Sabha. 
    One Bombayite is a hawker. 
    Two Bombayites is a film industry. 
    Three Bombayites is a slum. 
    Four Bombayites is the rush-hour train crowd. 
    One Maharashtrian is a bus conductor. 
    Two Maharashtrians is a kabaddi match. 
    Three Maharashtrians is a Ganpati procession. 
    Four Maharashtrians is a Shiv Sena Shakha. 
    One Gujarati is a share broker in a Mumbai train. 
    Two Gujaratis is the total chatter in a Mumbai train. 
    Three Gujaratis is a rummy game in a Mumbai train. 
    Four Gujaratis is a dandiya-raas session all night long.
    One Kutchi is a kirana shop. 
    Two Kutchis is a stationery shop. 
    Three Kutchis is a saree shop. 
    Four Kutchis is the entire Bombay retail trade. 
    One Sardarji is a truck-driver. 
    Two Sardarjis is a roadside dhaba. 
    Three Sardarjis is a terrorist outfit. 
    Four Sardarjis are always found in jokes. 
    One Sindhi is a currency racket. 
    Two Sindhis is a papad factory. 
    Three Sindhis is a duplicate goods shop. 
    Four Sindhis is a lot of gas around (yeech!). 
    One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav. 
    Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad. 
    Three Biharis is a caste killing. 
    Four Biharis is the total literate population of the state. 
    One Bhaiyya is a milkman. 
    Two Bhaiyyas is a chanawala (or panipuri wala). 
    Three Bhaiyyas is a temple-destruction squad. 
    Four Bhaiyyas is a halwai shop. 
    (And 12 Bhaiyyas is one SMALL family). 
    One Kashmiri is a boatman. 
    Two Kashmiris is a carpet factory. 
    Three Kashmiris is a tourist agency. 
    Four Kashmiris is a terrorist outfit. 
    One Kannadiga is a coffee estate. 
    Two Kannadigas is a Udupi restaurant. 
    Three Kannadigas is a pepper powder factor. 
    Four Kannadigas is an anti-Cauvery squad. 
    One Punjabi is chhole-bathure 5 times a week. 
    Two Punjabis is one bottle of whisky in one night. 
    Three Punjabis is a public fist-fight. 
    Four Punjabis is 200 kg of excess weight. 
    One Parsi is a sentence punctuated with BC's and MC's. 
    Two Parsis is a doctor and a lawyer. 
    Three Parsis is a 75 year old man and his two unmarried sisters.
    Four Parsis is half their remaining population. 
    One Pakistani is one too many.............. 


    Herolal is driving down the Delhi-Amritsar highway, when he
    spots Bhola standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.  He pulls the
    car over to the side of the road and notices that Bhola is just standing there,
    doing nothing, looking at nothing.
    Herolal gets out of the car, walks all the way out to Bhola and asks him,
    "Excuse me, what are you doing?"
    Bhola replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
    "How?" asks Herolal, puzzled.
    "Well I heard they give the Noble Prize to people who are out standing
    in their field."


    This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come indo my humble shop." 
    So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. 
    The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on,
    Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power. 
    In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, and ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!


    A Pakistani tourist after a long walk in one of very fancy clean streets of
    Delhi found himself needing to urinate badly. After a long search he could not
    find any place to you-know, and eventually couldn't control himself and chose a
    silent corner of a clean street to release himself. 
    As soon as he had just started you-know-what, a Delhi police official
    approached him, "Hey, What do you think you're doing here?" 
    Pakistani tourist: "Sorry I have to Pee" 
    Police : "No PP here okay ? Follow me." 
    The Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby with lots of grass,
    flowers and singing birds around. 
    Police: "PP here..... and have a nice day". 
    Pakistani tourist : "Oh Sir, ....... that's very nice of you, is this
    Indian courtesy?"
    Police: "No.......this is The Pakistani Embassy!"


    A Desi chap was deeply in love with a pretty foreign girl, whom he wanted.
    But he did not have the courage to talk to her in person. So he decided to go
    alone and with the help of a dictionary, he wrote a letter of proposal to
    HE WROTE : 

    Most worthy of your estimation
    after a long consideration
    and much mediation. 
    I have a strong indication 
    to become your relation. 
    As to my educational qualification, 
    it is no exaggeration or fabrication 
    that I have passed my matriculation examination; 
    no doubt without any hesitation and very little preparation. 
    What do you say to the solemnization 
    of our marriage celebration 
    according to the glorification of modern civilization 
    and with a view to the expansion of the population of present
    On your approbation of the application, 
    I shall make preparation to improve my situation, 
    and if such obligation is worthy of consideration 
    it will be our argumentation of the joy and 
    exaltation of our joint dissimilation. 
    Thanking you in anticipation and with devotion, 
    To remain victim of your fascination. 

    SHE WROTE : 

    Dear Mr. Victim of my fascination, 
    Congratulation for your lengthy narration 
    of course full of affection aimed at an affiliation 
    for a combination which on examination 
    I find is a fine presentation of your ambition. 
    You have passed your matriculation with little preparation, 
    what about my graduation after a long botheration, 
    so improve situation in education 
    and make an application by acquisition 
    of post graduation and minimum qualification 
    for the convocation and before taking your photo for circulation 
    undergo beautification. 
    Further strict observation of the following conditions is the 
    regulation for the determination of our relation. 
    1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my connection. 
    2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a victim of any
    fascination and, 
    3. Procreation must not be your recreation. 
    In anticipation of a solid action instead of continuation of paper
    I Remain, 
    Unaffected by your affection.



    "Good morning, bapu and bibi jis. This is your very handsome captain
    welcoming you to Ranj-Jet Airways. Sorry we are four days late in taking off but
    I had to do some overtime at the bakery.
    This is the ek, dho, five, sex flight to New Delhi. We cannot guarantee that
    we will end up in Delhi but rest assured it will be somewhere in the East. And
    if you are very lucky we may even be landing on your village! A real Punjabi
    will land where he wants to, isn't that right brothers!
    Today we have 12 passengers on the plane - which is a bit of a problem
    because we only have 5 seats! Hmmm.
    For safety reasons we will be counting all the passengers again during and
    after the flight. We have a very good record for safety. In fact we are so safe
    even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us! I am pleased to tell you that
    over 50% of our passengers end up at their destination. For those of you who
    don't make it, don't worry, our staff have lots of experience consoling the
    next-of-kin. If, however, you are still worried then ask Stewardess Bubbly to
    tell you about our out of court settlements.
    We will do everything to make your journey an enjoyable one and even a
    surviving one! If our engines are too noisy for you, don't worry, we'll turn
    them off! We even make your fall to earth pleasant by serving complimentary chaa
    during free-fall! And for our religious passengers, we are the only airline who
    can help you find out if there really is a God!
    Sadly, today's in-flight movie will not be shown because my son forgot to
    record it off the television. But if you really want to see a film then we will
    be glad to fly next to Air India so that you can look at their movie through the
    Although there is no-smoking in this airplane, you may find that during the
    flight you can see smoke in the cabin. Don't worry your good minds over this! It
    is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! Yes, we
    are very advanced at Ranj-Jet Airways. Not only do we provide you with a life
    jacket but we also give a free bathing costume to the aunties and a swimming
    kacha to the uncles!
    Some airlines are happy to fly thousands of feet over landmarks but not Ranj-Jet
    Airways! For your pleasure we try to get as close as possible for the best view.
    If, however, we go a little too close then please let us know. Our co-pilot
    sometimes becomes too enthusiastic. Remember that guy who crashed into the White
    House, well it is the same bloke!
    Now kindly sit on your stool and tie your belt. For those of you who can't
    find a belt please tie your nala to the door handle. And for those of you who
    can't find a stool, sit on your suitcase instead.
    Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my
    nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the cock
    pit. Thank you for choosing Ranj-Jet Airways. We guarantee that we may not
    always take you on a flight but we'll definitely take you for a ride!"


    Traveling on Indian Roads is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle
    and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly
    exhilarating, always unforgettable -- and, when you are on the roads, extremely
    Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on a
    Sanskrit text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first
    time in English:

    The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.
    Indian traffic, like Indian society, is structured on a strict caste system.
    The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order,
    give way to:

    Cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, camels, light
    trucks, buffalo, jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters,
    auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying),
    handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.

    All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to
    slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the
    Indian drivers' mantra.
    Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):

    Cars (IV,1,a-c):

    Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, IE in clearing dogs,
    rickshaws and pedestrians from path.
    Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, IE to oncoming truck:
    "I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both
    die". In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights
    Single blast (casual) means: "I have seen someone out of
    India's870 million whom I recognize", "There is a bird in
    the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)"
    or "I have not blown my horn for several minutes."

    Trucks and buses (IV,2,a):
    All horn signals have the same meaning, viz: "I have an all-up weight
    of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I
    could." This signal may be emphasized by the use of headlamps.

    Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in
    Article II above.
    All maneuvers, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the
    last possible moment.
    In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear
    garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.

    Rights of way:
    Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic
    from the right, and also traffic in the middle.
    Lane discipline (VII,1):
    All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of
    travel shall occupy the center of the road.

    Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the
    middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other
    impression should be ignored.
    Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake
    every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken
    Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in
    the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle
    of villages/city centers. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle
    and the one you are passing -- and one inch in the case of bicycles or
    Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.
    Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse



    Santa was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." 
    Tired of his boasting, his boss called him bluff, "OK, Santa how about Tom Cruise?" 
    "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." 
    So Santa and boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure
    enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Santa! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" 
    Although impressed, Santa's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Santa that
    he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky. 
    "No, no, just name anyone else," Santa says. 
    "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. 
    "Yes, I know him, let's fly out to Washington." 
    And off they go. At the White House, George W. spots Santa on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Santa, what a surprise, I
    was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." 
    Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to
    Santa, who again implores him to name anyone else.  
    "The Pope," his boss replies.  
    "Sure!" says Santa. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." 
    So off they fly to Rome. Santa and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Santa says, "This will never
    work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out
    on the balcony with the Pope." 
    And Santa disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Santa emerges
    with the Pope on the balcony. 
    By the time Santa returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.  
    Working his way to his boss' side, Santa asks, "What happened?" 
    His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the
    balcony with Santa Singh?" 


    The world's most avid hockey fan, a beautiful sardarni, had arrived early at the stadium for the first game of the series between local
    rival teams only to realize that she had left her ticket at home.
    Not wanting to miss any of the match, she went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's wait she was just a
    few feet from the booth when a voice called out, 'Hey, Jasmeet!'
    She looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner of the voice - with no success. Then she realized she had lost her place in the
    line, and had to go back to the end of the line and wait all over again. Just as she got to the window, a voice called out, 'Hey,
    jasmeet!' Again she tried to find the voice and got out of line as she wandered looking
    for the owner of the voice. 
    But no luck. She was very upset as she got back in line for her ticket. 
    Finally she had her ticket and took her seat eager for the game to begin. As she waited for it to start, she heard the voice calling, 'Hey,Jasmeet!' once more. 
    Furious, she stood up and yelled at the top of her lungs, 'My name isn't


    A Sardar is travelling in a DTC bus in Delhi. It's a busy day and our
    Sardarji is roughing it out, standing up in the aisle and all. In his right hand
    is his briefcase (which appears to contain some valuables), with his left
    he is grabbing on to the railing for dear life.
    The conductor approaches him for a ticket. The Sardar who doesn't have a free
    hand to pull out his wallet gives the conductor a helpless look. The conductor
    reaches out for the Sardar's briefcase in an effort to help him out.
    "nahin! tum upar pakdo" says the Sardar clutching onto his

    Three men are driving in a car when it breaks down on an abandoned road: A
    Hindu man, a Jewish man, and a Polish man. After walking for a few miles, they
    come across a farm with a barn. Desperately seeking a place to sleep for the
    night, they knock on the door and ask the farmer if they can sleep in the barn.
    The farmer says it's OK as long as they don't disturb his sleep or the
    animals, so the three men go to sleep in the barn with all the animals.
    Fifteen minutes later, the Hindu man bangs on the farmer's door and asks if
    he can sleep on the floor of his room, because he cannot sleep with sacred cows
    next to him. The farmer says it's OK and lets him in.
    In another fifteen minutes, the Jewish man bangs on the farmer's door and
    asks if he can sleep on the floor of his room, because he cannot sleep with pigs
    next to him, and the farmer says this is OK. Now only the Polish man is outside.
    Fifteen minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door, and by
    this time is very annoyed. He opens it, and there stand the cows and the pigs...


    Bantu returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his
    father." Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - All the other kids could only
    say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am Sardar?"
    "No son, that's because you are intelligent. " Bantu seeming content
    with the answer, asks his father another question, "Dad, today we had Math
    class - All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to
    20. Is this 
    because I am Sardar ??"
    "No son, that's because you are intelligent," replies his father.
    Happy with the answer, Bantu poses another question to his father, "Dad,
    today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was at least twice their height. Is that because I am Sardar ??"
    The father replies, "No son, that's because you are 31 years old."


    Once upon a time there was a nice young man called Karim. He
    used to sell caps for a living, and roamed around several villages. One day he
    would be in Mughalsarai, the other day people would find him in Faizabad.
    It was an afternoon in the summer and he was traversing the vast plains when he felt
    tired and wanted to have a nap. He found a nice mango tree with lots of branches
    and cool shade, placed his bag of caps beside him and went to sleep. Tired as he
    was, he was quickly fast asleep. When he woke up after a refreshing little nap,
    he found that there weren't any caps in his bag!
    "Oh, Allah!", he said to himself, "Did the thieves have to find
    me of all people?" But then he noticed that the mango tree was full of cute
    monkeys wearing colorful caps!
    He yelled at the monkeys and they screamed back. He made faces at them and found the monkeys to be experts at that.
    He threw stones at them and they showered him with raw mangoes.
    "Ya Allah, how do I get my caps back," he said.
    Frustrated, he took off his own cap and slammed it on the ground. And Lo, the
    stupid monkeys threw their caps too! Smart Karim didn't waste a second,
    collected the caps and was on his way.
    50 YEARS LATER....
    Young Abdul, grandson of famous topiwala Karim who was also working hard at
    making $$$ doing his family business, was going through the same jungle.
    After a long walk he was very tired and found a nice mango tree with lots of
    branches and cool shade. Abdul decided to rest a while and very soon was fast
    asleep. A few hours later, when Abdul woke up, he realized that all the caps
    from his bag were gone! Abdul started searching for the same and to his surprise
    found some monkeys sitting on the mango tree wearing his caps.
    Abdul was frustrated and didn't know what to do. And then he remembered a story
    his grandfather proudly used to tell him.
    "Yes!!!! I can fool these monkeys!!!", said Abdul.
    "I'll make them imitate me and very soon I'll get all my caps back!"
    Abdul waved at the monkeys -- the Monkeys waved at Abdul. Abdul blew his nose -- the Monkeys blew their noses.
    Abdul started dancing -- the Monkeys were also dancing. Abdul pulled his ears -- the Monkeys pulled their ears.
    Abdul raised his hands -- the Monkeys raised their hands.
    Abdul threw his cap on the ground ............ .... one of the monkeys jumped
    down from the tree, walked up to Abdul; slapped him and said, "Do you think ONLY YOU HAD A GRANDFATHER?????"


    Spielberg's smash hit dinosaur flick "Jurassic
    Park" is the latest victim of the Telugu film industry's remake
    factory. The blockbuster special-effects extravaganza is being
    re-made for a Telugu audience, and the script will
    undergo some modification to appeal to the discerning
    Telugu movie go-er.
    "What is there in Spielberg or George Lucas? They
    make good films, but our film will be better than the
    original. We are using Indian values to add
    some interest value." said someone named Rao.
    Reports reveal that the main
    story line will involve a dinosaur whose mother is
    kidnapped by smugglers. The dinosaur then sets off on a long journey to
    rescue her, discovers that the kidnappers had killed his
    father over the issue of some merchandising rights,
    and gets his revenge by blowing
    up a few helicopters. On the way, he meets and falls in love with a
    girl dinosaur with big breasts and garish
    clothes, and marries her at the end of the film. Efforts are on to design
    a dinosaur with a moustache, as this is essential
    for a hero to be successful in Telugu.
    There will also be some spectacular song and fight
    sequences, including a group dance atop the Eiffel
    tower, and a brutal fistfight involving
    some fruit carts and an
    "What is the use of brown
    dinosaurs? So boring. We are going to have more colorful
    dinosaurs - probably pink, lime-green
    and royal purple, "said someone named Reddy.
    When asked if they might also be candy-striped or polka-dotted,
    he angrily retorted "What? Are you crazy? How can
    dinosaurs have patterns?"
    The film is tentatively titled "Jurassic
    Alludu", but producers are also toying with alternatives like "Bobbili
    Dino" and "T-Rex No.1."
    This article courtesy For more like this, please


    Time for answering the questions is twenty minutes.
    Answer all the questions, and answer them honestly. Please remember you're
    trying to become a cop, for Christ's sake!!

    1. At the time of traffic accidents, I can shut
    out the outside world and focus completely
    on milking the situation for profit - ignoring
    all damage to public property and loss of life or limb.

    yes no.
    2. I have no problem with roasting
    in the hot summer sun for hours, in clothes that are two
    sizes too small.

    yes no.
    3. My waist size is
    (in inches)

    46 78
    4. I can effortlessly switch
    between 'aggressively rude', 'condescending'
    and 'sickeningly, groveling
    polite', depending on the social standing
    of the person I am talking to at the moment.

    yes no.
    5. If you come across a multiple
    traffic violation that includes drunken driving,
    driving without a license
    and loss to property, how would you evaluate
    the situation?

    Rs. 1,500
    Rs. 5,000 plus
    Rs. 100, plus the
    chance to deliver a 45 minute lecture.
    6. I have no particular
    emotional need to be nice once in a while, even to women,
    children and the elderly.

    yes no.
    7. I am spineless enough to ignore
    big-time offences by government vehicles,
    while simultaneously harassing a nerdy college student
    for not having his anti-glare sticker in the
    proper place.

    yes no.
    8. I have an exaggerated
    opinion of my own importance in the larger scheme of things.

    yes no.
    9. Faced with a severe traffic jam, I have the
    ability to look busy by smacking
    auto rickshaws
    with my lathi, screaming angrily and running
    to and fro - all without doing a single thing to
    clear things up.

    yes no.
    10. In the space provided, write down whatever
    you know about police procedures, the
    law in general and basic human ethics.

    This article courtesy For more like this, please visit


    They've finally gone and done it! The parents have arranged one of those
    "meetings" where the "Any Other Business" is "Would you
    like pink balloons or red ones at the wedding reception?"
    Yes! You're being introduced to a potential marriage partner. But to your
    horror Prince/Princess Charming(less) has a personality about as interesting as
    your big toe, wears clothes straight from the Patiala fashion show for Punjabi
    Farmers, has a face like a Pizza (with extra olives) and worst of all is an Accountant!

    Lady: "Naheeeee! Mummy, don't force me to spend the
    rest of my life with this uloo!
    So how do you tell them that you're not interested? Well, there are obvious
    ways to say "Take a hike, Jack (or Jaswinder)!" but that could lead to
    teary eyes all round! So for your well-being The Funjabis have put together
    "Ten Ways To Say Get Lost - With A Smile." It may help you to adjourn
    the meeting more gracefully so you can live to have another one the following

    Wipe your nose on your sleeve and then wipe it on theirs - twice!
    Order a bucket of ghee to put in your saag during roti.
    Sit on the dining table and shout loudly for food!
    Tell them about your cuddly animal with which you like to sleep (ie the
    neighbor's bullock)!
    After roti, lick your plate frantically - then offer to lick theirs!
    When serving the ladoos, shout "Catch!" and throw it at them.
    Talk with your mouth full and spray the samosa filling when talking.
    Ask if anyone knows any good Punjabi swear words. When they say no,
    proceed to tell them all the ones that you know. Direct them at the grand
    mother for more effect!
    Ask if you can tattoo your name on their forehead - in Punjabi.
    Cat whistle at the parents - especially at the mother (whether you're a
    boy or a girl)!

    If this doesn't do it, we suggest you go for the pink balloons at the


    A saadhu (saint) and a shikaari (hunter) meet in a forest. The
    shikaari sees a bird and shoots. 
    He misses and exclaims: "Behanchood! I missed". 
    The saadhu says killing animals is wrong as it is and using
    dirty language when not succeeding makes it worse. After some time the shikaari
    sees a deer and shoots.
     He misses again and shouts: "Lund saalaa! phir sae
    The saadhu warns him: "If you use such crass language
    again. I will call upon the Gods to curse you." 
    This time the hunter spots an elephant at ten meters range. He
    shoots and still misses and cries out: "Gaanduu! Missed even
    The saint loses his tolerance and prays: "O God. This man
    has sinned thrice in front of a saint, despite warnings. Take him
    "Thooom!" There is a lightning bolt from the sky and
    the saadhu is vaporised. Awestruck, the shikaari looks towards the sky and hears
    a thunder "Bhoonsadiwaalae! I missed too."


    Gora-Boy was an unnaturally Gora Indian Boy. He wasn't very handsome, or good looking, or have a nice voice, but All the aunties loved him because
    Gora-Boy was so unbelievably Gora.
    His mother used to introduce him to all her friends proudly, and they used to remark on Gora's boys Gora-ness. She proudly used to say "he takes after
    me" and all the other aunties would smile and nod, and give Gora-Boy 10 pound notes in return for pulling tightly at his cheeks.
    One day, Gora-Boy was travelling on the train with his friends to Paris. Sitting behind him was White-Kid, who was called Richard. Richard had dark
    hair, and spoke in a funny way because his father was one quarter Indian.
    Gora-Boy sat opposite to some nice, Indian girls on the train, who naturally thought he was so handsome just because he was Gora, and for no other
    reason. He made them laugh because he could do really good impressions of Indian Uncles. He was especially funny when he would say Indian phrases with
    English words like
    "Camon Camon, Jaldee Karo!"or
    "Nai Bhai, Bullshit ho gya!"
    The Nice Girls thought that Gora-Boy was fooling around and that he had just learned these phrases from some Indian neighbours. That is until they saw
    Gora-Boys Passport and started screaming, when they looked at his Oh-So Indian name. They screamed like as if they had just seen a celebrity. They
    couldn't believe he was actually Indian! How Gora he was! How normal he was compared to other vain Indian Boys! What good Urdu he could speak!
    How could he be so funny and charming and actually be Indian!
    How their fathers would love him!
    The Nicest of the Girls, who was very fair herself, had dark brown highlighted hair and was wearing green contact lenses scrawled down her
    number and handed it to Gora-Boy who smiled and just put in his pocket. Then she impulsively took Gora-Boys arm asked Gora-Boy to walk her to the Buffet
    Car. All of Gora-Boys friends started whistling. Gora Boy (who had never really liked Indian Girls that much anyway) was surprised because this had
    never happened to him before outside of a club. He just politely took the hand of the Nice Girl and walked off.
    Richard who was positively looking to get lucky, saw what had happened with
    He walked up to he rest of the Nice Indian girls and said "I bet you can't believe I am Actually


    Three friends who, after graduating from college, were meeting for the first
    time in years. They each had gone back to their native cities of Jullundhar,
    Bombay, and Calcutta.
    The man from Bombay wanted to impress his two other friends with the medical
    expertise in Bombay so he stated: "I know of a doctor in Bombay who joined a
    severed arm with special glue."
    Not to be outdone, the friend from Calcutta said: "That's nothing. One
    of the doctors in Calcutta recently rejoined someone's head with a special
    "We have gone EVEN further," proclaimed the man from Jullundhar.
    "One of my uncles was cut into two right around the navel. Our doctor
    immediately slaughtered a goat and joined its rear half to my uncle's upper
    half. So we have my uncle as well as two liters of milk everyday."


    A Surd was going by train from Delhi to Bombay. He kept getting off at every
    station to buy a ticket till the next station. When the train reached Delhi, the
    Surd's co-passengers asked him why he kept on buying tickets instead of buying a
    ticket for the entire. The Surd replied that his doctor had advised him against
    taking long journeys.


    India wins Cricket match; 120 people die of shock
    Bihar sold to Pakistan; Resulted In an unrelated incident: Literacy
    soars up to 86% in India and in another interesting incident Pakistan's
    literacy rate also increases by 50 %.
    Population Statistics: 42% - Literate, 58%- Politicians.
    Flood in Bihar; 2 die of thirst.
    India wins Gold in India versus Rest Of India Games
    Poverty to be eradicated in India using Virtual Reality Software.
    Laloo to be made National Animal.
    Ramar Pillai produces Pottasium Permanganate from rice, water, a
    stick and some Pottasium Permanganate.
    No bombings in Kashmir today
    Suit filed holding Sharad pawar responsible for Battle of
    Doctorate conferred on Jayalalitha for completing 2 months in Jail
    Death penalty upheld for Attempted Suicide victim.



    10. A chain of "Bhaskar-RaoBins" ice cream stores all over the
    country, in collaboration with Baskin Robins. 
    9. Kraft will make "PARAMESAN CHEESE" at Madras, in collaboration
    with Parameswaran & Co. 
    8. Kentucky Fried Chicken will open its chain of Indian version, to be named,
    "KARNATAKI FLY-ED CHICKEN" and will be headquartered at Bangalore. 
    7. Pizza Hut will open a chain, in the back alleys of all cities, its
    version, to be named:"PICHHE HUT". Headquarters: Kanpur. PICHHE =
    means back-alleys for the uneducated 6
    . McDonalds will open its fast food restaurants to be named: "McDosalu".
    Hqs. Hyderabad. Main menu: Idli and Dosa. 
    5. Mr. Submarine will name its restaurants as "Mr. SUBRAMANI", to
    be headquartered at Madras. 
    4. Red Carpets colored with biodegradable (hence environmentally friendly)
    red PAAN. Juice extracts will enjoy duty-free status in US. 
    3. Dallas Cowboys will own a new franchise: Dilli's COW-BHAIS, to teach
    Indians how to play Football.... with hands. 
    2. Duty-free import of Ambassador cars into USA, as long as they are not used
    outside of Demolition Derby. 
    1. Internal Revenue Service will provide technology transfer of its Tax
    System software to Indian Income Tax Dept and to be named: "UNCLE SHYAM". 


    10. You have named your son as 'Baba' and your daughter as 'Ratna'.[Baba and Ratna are two popular Zarda (tobacco) brands, in India]
    9. You are getting too many offers to act in Dracula films.
    8. You threatened to kill the PAAN SHOP guy for giving you a 'meetha' (sweet) Paan instead of a Zarda (tobacco)
    7. When there are no Paan shops around, you climb an Eucalyptus tree and
    start chewing the leaves.
    6. Customs people start inspecting your tooth cavities for smuggled
    5. Western folks stare at you and ask what dye you used for your teeth?
    4. Buffaloes stare at you and wonder why you are also ruminating like
    3. You accidentally spat on the guy in the Tinopal dress, going for an interview, and he beat the hell out of you.
    2. You have been caned in Singapore for littering the streets.
    1. Your wife/girl-friend insists that you kiss her on her cheeks.


    10. You think most Indian teenagers are pure and chaste. 
    9. You think everyone in the world knows about the O.J. Simpson case. 
    8. You can't believe the world wide web exists in India. You can't believe
    Delhi has had phone services like call waiting and the other fancy stuff you get
    here for the past three years and you can't believe there have been ATM (like
    MAC) machines in Indian cities for more than 7 years. 
    7. You like Broccoli. 
    6. You find cricket to be boring but watch golf, bowling or curling on
    5. You express sarcasm with "Yeah, right." 
    4. When you see anyone at all pass by you on the road, you greet them with a
    "Howz it goin", "Whassup" or "How you doin" and
    keep walking on. 
    3. You say "interesting" when either you don't care or think it is
    2. You refer to India as a Third World Country. 
    1. You understood, enjoyed and could relate to every joke in Asian Jokes
    & Funny Pictures.


    10. The Hero and Heroine fall in love without first having a fight 
    9. The Hero doesn't sing "mere pyaari behana" to his sister,
    neither does she get raped nor does she get married off to some goon who ill
    treats her. 
    8. The Hero actually asks the Heroine to elope with him instead of
    confronting her father and finally winning him over. 
    7. The Hero's bachelor friends at work do not get to come home and enjoy a
    meal cooked by the newly wed bride, with one of them ogling at her with evil
    6. Since the Hero and Heroine get married very early in the movie, they
    should have known that something was going to go wrong and should have taken due
    5. The movie is called "Bombay" but we don't get to see even one
    overflowing electric train. (It is like Ice station Zebra with no Zebras
    4. Hero/Heroine do not have enough friends or relatives for a final group
    3. The Hero's children are ignorant about religion because the director
    forgets to include a scene where the Hero or Hero's father has a table with a
    Bible, a Koran and a Bhagwad Gita. 
    2. The Heroine forgets to teach her children the family re-unification song,
    when separated we see the kids helpless not knowing what to do unlike their more
    well bred counterparts from other films. and 
    1. "Rabert! Agar aam janta, marra marri karne lage, tho humme kaise
    phillummo me chance millega"


    Once Laloo Yadav, Sonia Gandhi, a saint and a schoolboy were traveling by a
    private plane. Suddenly the engine caught fire and the pilot came out shouting, "This
    plane is going to crash! And we have only four parachutes and there are five of
    us in the plane.
    Since I am a very important Indian Airlines pilot I am taking one parachute
    and getting out of here." Saying this he rushed to the luggage area grabbed
    one parachute and jumped off the plane. Sonia Gandhi said, "Since I am the
    future Prime Minister of India I am very important and have to live!" She
    also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
    Laloo Yadav said, "I am the king-maker of this country, the most honest
    politician of India and above all the most intelligent person living in this
    country, and the most intelligent person must live!" Saying so Laloo went
    to the luggage area, grabbed one and jumped off the plane.
    The old saint said to the school boy, "There is only one parachute left, and
    there are two of us. I am an old man and don't need to live any more. You take
    the last parachute and jump."
    The school boy said, "Don't worry! There are still two parachutes left with
    us! The most intelligent person, Laloo Yadav, jumped off the plane with my
    school bag!"


    Say open or close the light.
    Say chok-o-late instead of chocolate.
    Say Hullo instead of Hello.
    Say Vot instead of What.
    Everything you eat is sauted in garlic, onion, chili and tomatoes.
    Try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.
    You try to eject food particles from between your teeth by pressing
    your tongue against them and making a peculiar noise like, tshick, tschick,
    tschick or pphht.
    Nibble at a toothpick like dessert.
    Say hello by simply raising your eyebrow.
    Automatically shorten peoples name even though they are already
    short. Know some one named either, bobby, inky, pinky, chinky, or tinku.
    Are standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the airport.
    Arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think it's the norm.
    Snap your fingers while dancing in a group.



    Advice to father thinking about whether he should let his daughter continue her studies or get her married :
    " Vell, if you wantu study her, then study her. If you wantu marry her, then marry her ."

    An instructor explaining the working of pendulum: "Take an elephant of negligible weight"

    Instructor: "Take a copper wire of any metal...and pour any liquid solution of sulphuric acid
    in a round bottom flask of any shape."

    "Do not smoke and spoil the botany of ur body"

    He/she's my cousin brother/sister.

    "You three, both of you kneel down together separately"

    "Hey, please keep quiet. The president is rotating outside"

    "I have to put my child to sleep"

    " Florida paan shop. Prop: Raju . B.A, M.A. "

    " Don't talk bad in front of my back "

    Did you cut the ticket, yet?

    "Entry too entry otherwise disentry"

    The principal just passed away.

    Who took out the breeze of my cykill.

    My cykill is understanding the tree.

    Open the windows and let the AIR FORCE come in"!

    "Open the doors of the window, and let the atmosphere come in "


    Three scientists, an American, a German, and an Indian, were
    talking and bragging about the technological advances their respective countries
    have achieved in the field of medicine.
    The American said "In Washington, there was a baby boy born without arms
    so we attached artificial arms on him.  And now that he's grown up and
    became an Olympic professional boxer and a gold medallist !"
    The German replied, "That's nothing to what we have achieved.  Back
    in Berlin, there was a baby girl born without legs so we attached a pair of 
    artificial legs on her.  Now she is a three-time Olympics marathon gold medallist
    The Indian interjected " Is that all you have achieved , just gold medallists?  In Patna, Bihar we had a baby boy born without a HEAD ! We
    attached a COCONUT and called him Laloo and he has grown up and now he is the
    Chief Minister of Bihar !"


    Bill Gates was in India a few days ago. He announced that Microsoft plans to
    release a windows version in Hindi.
    Here are some Windows related terms that may be used in the Hindi version of...
     Phaail = File
     Bachao = Save
     Aise Bachao = Save as
     Subko Bachao = Save All
     Mujhe Bachao = Help
     Dhoondo = Find
     Firse Dhoondo = Find Again
     Hilao = Move
     Daak = Mail
     Daakiya = Mailer
     Paas se dhekho = Zoom
     Duur se dhekho = Zoom Out
     Kholo = Open
     Bandh Karo = Close
     Naya = New
     Khatara = Old
     Badli Karo = Replace
     Bhaago = Run
     Chhaapo = Print
     Dekh Ke Chhaapo = Print Preview
     Kaapi = Copy
     Kaato = Cut
     Kato = Stupid Houseguest
     Chipkao = Paste
     Payshul Chipkao = Paste Special
     Goli Maaro = Delete
     Nazaara = View
     Hathiyaar = Tools
     Hathiyaar Khambha = Toolbar
     Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet
     Iska Bhi Naam Nahin Aata = Database
     Futaas Ki Goli Kha = Exit
     Ped = Tree
     Thooso = Compress
     Chooha = mouse
     Tik-Tik Karo = Click
     Idhar-se-Udhar.Udhar-se-Idhar = Scrollbar
     Cheers !


    your mother has a short-haired, curly perm.
    your dad is some sort of engineer or doctor.
    your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you
    were 12 when you were really 15. 
    you ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later
    they're still lecturing.
    you have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry.
    everyone thinks you're "Indian" no matter what part of South
    Asia your ancestors were from.
    you've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life.
    your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids.
    you've had to sit through videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women
    attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest or library.
    your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage."
    you drive mostly Japanese cars.
    you've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom.
    you know what's going to happen in every Hindi movie before it
    you've never gotten little red envelopes around February.
    piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back and
    closet doors.
    you're father and grandfathers have hair on their ears
    idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian
    your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher.
    at least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses
    your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12
    midnight to say, "In India (or other native country), we studied even
    your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the
    street in any given area as long as they are Asian.
    an Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your
    mother? Well then, is it your sister?"
    your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both
    your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in 8th
    everyone thinks you're good at math.
    you like $1.75 movies
    you like $1.50 movies even more.
    your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing From Asia with
    fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks and English words that make no sense, in great colors
    like yellow, pink, magenta, orange and the ever popular lime green.
    your parents insist you marry within your race.
    you either really, really want to go to NYU or really, really want to
    stay away from it
    your parents have never kissed you
    you learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than your
    "You want a stereo!" When I was your age, I didn't even
    have shoes!!"
    you have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie
    and Uncle."
    you have 12+ aunts and uncles from both your mother's and your
    father's side
    at expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for
    your beverage and NEVER order dessert.
    your parents simply cut the green/black part off the bread and say
    "Eat it anyway. It's still good."
    the vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses. Thick
    you will most likely be taller than your parents.
    your parents have either made you play the piano, the violin or both.
    you get nothing if you do well in school, but crapped on if you don't
    when going to other peoples' houses, you always have to bring a gift.
    your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones
    with the blue and pink stripes at the top.
    your family owns a tennis racquet.
    your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on TV (i.e. Michael
    the furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet, the
    decorations or any of the rest of the furniture.
    you have rocks, sticks, leaves and strange-smelling, unknown
    substances in your pantry for use as medicine.
    you own a rice cooker or two
    you buy corn oil by the gallon.
    your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head.
    your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to
    school, how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how much they
    still appreciated going
    your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can
    "grow into it" and wear it for years to come."