Stupid Criminals


Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people -- many of
whom use their stupidity for personal gain.

From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new
levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To these brave
men and women we present the highest possible honor: entry into the
"Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."

The following are their accounts . . . .

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a
cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of
their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the
machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared,
they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached
to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With
their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police
station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk
sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold
it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and
demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him
the loot, he fled -- leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf
holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle
chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does
not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to
demonstrate his swing, which he does -- backward! A substantial amount of
narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for
her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a
modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where
*else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back
to her house -- where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages
gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from
a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got
4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to
pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment,
he provided the court a check -- a forged check. He got 10

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drugstore, pulled
a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his
head -- and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a
bank after hours and stole -- are you ready for this -- the bank's video
camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape
recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the
videotape of himself stealing the camera.)

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a
bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty
badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to
the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window
through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So
he located a phone and dialed "911" for help...

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home
site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they
snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto
the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain
surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more*
walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and
returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys
in the truck -- so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a
convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter
and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man
pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled --
leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got
from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

Seth Croston Barber <>
Last modified: Wed Oct 06 13:29:36 PDT 1999

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