I Broke Up With My Psychiatrist. I Told Him I Had Suicidal Tendencies.
I broke up with my psychiatrist. I told him I had suicidal tendencies. He
told me from now on I had to pay in advance.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias.
Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back....
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own.
One of them said, "So will you." -- Rodney Dangerfield...
Last week I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age.
She locked me in the cellar ... My wife's an earth sign....
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library.
When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. -- Rodney Dangerfield...
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
-- Henny Youngma...
I once asked my father if things were bad for him during the Depression.
He said the first six months were bad, then he got used to me. -- Rodney Dangerfield...
When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought....
My cat wasn't broke, but I had him fixed anyway.
I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
-- Excerpt from insurance form....