1) Always store beer in a dark place.
2) Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until
3) Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what
can't be done, and why. Then do it.
4) It has long been known that one horse can run
faster than another -- but which one? Differences
5) A poet who reads his verse in public may have
other nasty habits.
6) Small change can often be found under seat
7) It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles
being too tired.
8) Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
9) It's better to copulate than never.
10) Never appeal to man's "better nature." He may not
have one. (Invoking his self-interest gives you
11) An elephant: a mouse built to government
12) A Zygote is a Gamete's way of producing more
13) God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent.
It says so right here on the label. If you have a
mind capable of believing all three of these
divine attributes simultaneously, I have a
wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please.
Cash and in small bills.
14) Waking a person unnecessarily should not be
considered a capital crime. For a first offense,
15) Beware of altruism. It is based on self-
deception, the root of all evil.
16) Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
17) Rub her feet.
18) To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of
the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
19) Does history record any case in which the majority
20) Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at
tax collectors and miss.
21) Never try to outstubborn a cat.
22) Natural laws have no pity.
23) You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily
as by being too trusting.
24) Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
25) Pessimist by policy, optimist by temperament -- it
is possible to be both. How? By never taking
unnecessary chances and by minimizing risks you
can't avoid. This permits you to play the game
happily, untroubled by the certainty of the
26) "I came, I saw, SHE conquered." (The original
Latin seems to have been garbled.)
27) The greatest productive force is human
28) A skunk is better company than a person who prides
himself on being "frank".
29) The correct way to punctuate a sentence that
starts: "of course it's none of my business,
but...." is to place a period after the word
"but". Don't use excessive force in supplying
such morons with a period. Cutting his throat is
only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
30) Don't try to have the last word. You might get