Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative.

Related:

• Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone.
  Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon...
• Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring.
  Please leave me a message and I'll call you back at...
• Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
  Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's...
• I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain.
  Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings...
• Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name,
  number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you...
• Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter,
  so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting...
• Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls.
  So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak...
• I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills.
  If you need any money, or if you just want to check...
• Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet,
  just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've...